to ask if honestly ... did you have a preference?

[chocgourmet]

DH and I are planning to TTC no2.

DS has just turned 1 and I really want a girl this time

I'm actually a bit scared to ttc in case it's another boy and it impacts on bonding with him which sounds awful.

Can anyone reassure me that these silly feelings go? Or not - and if they don't, how do you deal with them?

Yes, I did, for reasons I am ashamed to admit and will probably get me a good old flaming.

I wanted a girl. I was raised Jewish and my upbringing was quite religious. I have turned my back on all of that: my husband isn't Jewish, we aren't raising my children Jewish (or anything for that matter). I grew up in a pretty restrictive environment. My parents' decision not to send me to a faith school meant that all of my friends were non-Jewish and no matter what my parents tried, I didn't have Jewish friends. Eventually, because I wasn't allowed out on Fridays or to do anything on Saturdays, my friends dumped me one by one and my teenage years were miserable.

So when I was pg with dd1, my parents informed me that if it was a boy, he would be circumcised. I said what if I didn't want that. What if my non-Jewish husband didn't want that. The ensuing row was horrific. I felt sick for wanting a girl just to avoid something we as a couple didn't want but that would probably mean I would be excommunicated from my parents (who I normally get on with well, but they cannot cope with the fact I am no longer religious). When dd1 was born, I was so relieved that I was not going to have to have that conversation. When dd2 came along, I was similarly relieved.

I loathe myself for having had those thoughts.

Some of the comments about sons disappearing are sad to read and does make me wonder as DSis and I both have boys (both wanted boys) so will we be left alone?

Then I realise that DH sees his parents at least once a week (DS and I are there too), we've been on hols with PIL and MIL will be providing a day childcare just like DM when I go back to work. I was also aware of keeping MIL involved in our wedding as DH is an only child so it was really important to her and she'd never be MoB. That's a really long-winded way of saying the old rhyme doesn't need to be true, boys can be just as involved as girls in later life!

Yes and I make no apologies for it either,as feelings are feelings.

With DC1...didn't care at all

Then I had DD1 and some of my friends had boys and were so so negative about them and very vocal that they were 'desperate' for girls. My own mother also always said 'girls were nicer'. I have no brothers and was bullied by boys at school and after having DD1, I really enjoyed being a girl mum. I really hoped DC2 would be a girl as I wanted two the same sex. I became a SMOG. I am not proud now but I used to feel sorry for people with 'just' boys and didn't see their appeal..

I was over the moon to get DD2 but I lost DD3 at 24 weeks. That put everything in perspective and I felt stupid for thinking about something as trivial as sex/gender. Well I actually had twin boys next!!!!!And I was thrilled that they were healthy and adored having boys and my eyes were opened to the fun of little DSs. With DC5 I was thrilled to get a 3rd DS! I realised they were every bit as nice as girls and I even prefer boys clothes shopping!!!! I admit my former SMOGness to show that sometimes it is simply worry about the unknown or ignorance. having my own boys made my also appreciate other people's boys.

manchestermummy I think your feelings were quite understandable and in fact came from a good place. And your children were girls anyway -- you didn't reject any actual boys (and wouldn't have done). It's time to forgive yourself.

Thank you friendly

I know someone who had 3 boys who after the birth of her 3rd son needed counselling as she felt bereaved that she didn't have a dd

manchestermummy that is awful - I think your feelings are eminently reasonable!

girliefriend - I have a friend who had a similar situation as she got a child of one sex when she expected to have one to match the one she already had. She had a whole mental future of her and her same-sex DC and said that she found it really hard to cope with the loss of that future. Add in the fact that her second pregnancy occurred as a result of initial contraceptive failure AND the fact that the morning-after pill didn't work and you can understand why she found it all so hard to cope with. She loves both her DC very much but she's had a hard few years I think.

Manchester that's completely reasonable! I'm having some of the same feelings to be totally honest.

We're not Jewish (we're raising out children as Catholics) but we are American and circumcision is definit The Done Thing in our area.

DS1 (7) is circ'd and I wish he wasn't. He was my first and I was young and completely out of it following his birth. I told the Dr I wasn't sure and he informed me of all the reasons it was "better" in quite a condescending tone. I felt railroaded but agreed.

Our second was a girl so not an issue. I'm due with DC3 in June and if he is a boy he will not be "done". I know it will be a struggle and I will have to explain my decision to family etc. I would be thrilled with another boy but I have to say a tiny part of me would be relieved to have another girl and have it not be a concern at all.

Both DP and I wanted a boy, we were disappointed when we discovered we were having a girl. That disappointment vanished long before she was born though and we love her so much :) there hasn't been one time at all in the 3.6yrs since her birth that either of us have wished she was a boy.

First time round we didn't care, we didn't find out until baby (boy) was born. It was an amazing experience to find out on the day, an experience that still makes me emotional when I think about it now.

I did however feel very strongly that baby I was carrying was a boy, so much so that had I given birth to a girl I'd have been questioning my "mothers instinct"

This time round OH expressed a strong wish to find out [he let me make the decision with our first] and we had other factors to consider. Finances were tighter, we had a new room to decorate etc.... After dating scan I agreed that we would find out and I must confess that my want for a daughter grew. It would have been so much easier to have a boy... We had all our boy clothes, the kids are sharing a room, we know what to do with a boy and we love having a little boy BUT I wanted a girl.

Anomaly scan showed I got my way and were were having a DD, literally 2 minutes after being told this we were then told that there was an issue with baby without going into too much detail worst case scenario was a life limiting illness.

Of course the health of my baby was paramount. It goes without saying but the amount of guilt I felt was horrific. I felt as though I'd spent so much time and effort concentrating on gender I'd somehow 'overlooked' the obvious.

Now of course we would love our child no matter what but at that moment if you'd ask me to choose a girl with possible life limiting illness or a healthy son I'd have opted for healthy. Because I want a child who will thrive, who will be fit and well, who will enjoy life and not suffer any pain.
(this is not in any way, shape or form meant to debate the pro's and con's of having a child with an illness / disability and the condition they suspected was never going to mean I'd even consider a termination. I refused an amnio as well)

I am just trying to put into words how my gender preference was completely overshadowed when it came to it.

As things turned out DD was fine. She is due anytime now and regular scans, assessments, genetic testing (on me and OH) have ruled out any issue.

Sorry that should have read

Now of course we would love our child no matter what but at that moment if you'd ask me to choose a girl with a life limiting illness or a healthy son I'd have opted for healthy

Personally I think its "normal" to be swayed one way or the other I mean let's face it we all have pictures in our heads of our unborn DC's and that image usually hints at a gender which of course builds up a desire to meet that child. I've heard of people being disappointed on finding out but never at or after the birth so don't worry :)

I do however think its odd that at least 2 RL friends (one ex friend) who are flat broke and one has 4 boys conceived through one night stands yet they keep having another and claiming they'll do so until they get the gender they want. Sorry slightly off subject :o

I really wanted a girl for my first. If we have another I don't think I'll care.

First born was a boy. I was frightened to death because at that point I had never held a baby ,didn't know anything about babies and thought I wouldn't cope with a boy.

He was born and I fell in love instantly.

I got pregnant with DC2. I told people I didn't care why I had and that the child would be loved no matter wht. Inside I was praying for a boy ( I'd got used to boys by now and couldn't cope with a girl!!)
I got a boy and I was peased.

Truth be told I'm pretty dam sure I would have been happy with whatever I got!!

Dc1 I wanted a boy. Got a boy.

Dc2 I had slight preference for a girl. Git a boy but was not disappointed in the slightest!

If I had another I wouldn't care either way, both my boys are so different from each other and are best friends.

DC1 not bothered-got a boy
DC2- slight girl preference, got another boy.
Several years on watching their relationship develop, sharing interests and experiences I realise Mother Nature knew best. For them individually, having a brother has been absolutely the best outcome.

1st pregnancy I genuinely didn't have a preference although was convinced it was a boy (I was wrong). Within seconds of birth I had bonded and the idea of her being a boy seemed ludicrous!

2nd time I had a mild preference for a boy (which it what I had) but am quite sure I would have been just as happy & bonded equally as well with a another girl.

I had a preference for a girl my second time, as I had a boy the first. I was trying not to get my hopes up too much and I don't think I'd have been absolutely devastated but I did really want a girl. I had a private scan at 11 weeks where I was told it was 'likely' to be a girl so crossed my fingers even harder then.

I always wanted girls. We didn't find out with number 1 and I was convinced that I was having a boy but no, I was wrong she was a girl. With my second pregnancy we found out as there were complications and we found we were having another girl, which I was happy about as I'd always wanted girls, but I was sad for dh as it meant he wouldn't have a son. I think I wanted girls as I had a good relationship with my sister and thought my girls would have the same, but there is a big age gap between them so they fight a lot. I'm done having children now but if I was to have another child I secretly would want it to be another girl but would love a boy if that was what I was given.