to ask if honestly ... did you have a preference?

[chocgourmet]

DH and I are planning to TTC no2.

DS has just turned 1 and I really want a girl this time

I'm actually a bit scared to ttc in case it's another boy and it impacts on bonding with him which sounds awful.

Can anyone reassure me that these silly feelings go? Or not - and if they don't, how do you deal with them?

I only wanted boys. I didn't realise how much until pg with DD1, and I was devastated when I found out. I've written about it on here a lot, actually.

Now I have two amazing girls and I couldn't be happier. My family is complete, and I don't want another baby of either gender.

Genitals don't tell you much about a person's innate character, but they tell you a lot about how that person will be treated by the world. It is disingenuous to say you'd bring up boys and girls identically, because they will face different challenges.

First pregnancy I wanted a girl and gave birth to one :). We didn't find out the sex but I had an idea all along. This time I honestly don't know what I'd prefer. I never liked the idea of having a boy because I was scared I wouldn't bond as well but now the idea of a boy is lovely. I'd also be really happy with another girl. Ahhh maybe my mind will change in a few weeks

I saw a counsellor for antenatal depression with DD1; interestingly, she said that a lot of the people she saw who were experiencing gender disappointment were people who had had fertility issues and IVF. They'd spent so long imagining 'their' child without realising it, that when they came along and the gender didn't match the child they had in their heads, it was really difficult for them, if that makes sense.

No preference at all first time, and we asked not to be told. Second time for some reason dh and I both envisioned another boy, spent a lot of the pregnancy trying to find a boys name we liked, and thought very much about having 'boys'. We did ask to know the sex, but even though we had more scans than usual because my waters broke early and I didn't go into labour, at every scan the baby had it's legs crossed and they couldn't tell.

When dd was born we were very surprised! Took a while to agree on her name and bonding did take a little longer (although I think that was more because her birth was quite traumatic and dh and I seriously fell out).

By the time I got out of hospital she had her name (the girls name we wodul have given ds if he'd been a girl) she was very much ours, and even though she was a difficult baby we never struggled to love her.

As to why people perhaps have more issues now, lots of potential factors, mostly to do with the illusion of control I think. Now we can plan our families thanks to contraception (or at least we think we do) it's harder perhaps to accept that it's all a bit random, plus with most people having really very small families there are fewer chances to get the baby that you perhaps have in mind.

In the past I think that there was more of an understanding that babies come when they want to and you get what you get.

I truly, truly did not have a preference. I didn't find out the sex in my first or third pregnancies, I did for my second though, I really wanted to know and I thought the baby was a boy but it turned out to be a girl. I already had a boy (who I thought would be a girl!) I was right the 3rd time though I guessed boy and I was right, I even guessed his weight right!

With my first I had no preference and had DS. Baby number 2 hoped for a girl and had DD. I then had a massive gap before my next pregnancy (DS was 19 years, DD 16 years) and discovered I was having twins, honestly wasn't bothered as long as they were OK. They were born at 33 + 2 and in NICU for 7 weeks (both DD's), they both had lots of health problems, are OK now. Was just relieved that I was fortunate to take 2 babies home, regardless of their sex.
I do however understand why some parents have a preference like had 2DS would like a girl and vice versa.

I always knew I would rather have 2 boys or 2 girls than one of each. This was because when I was growing up, all the people I knew who had a sibling of the same sex seemed to get on a lot better with them than I did with my brother (who is actually OK now!) So I didn't really mind what DS1 turned out to be, but I did really want DS2 to be another boy. In the area I was living in then, you were not given the option of finding out the sex at the scan. Second time around, I would have very much liked to know, because if I
i had
been having a DD, I would rather have had my moment of slight disappointment then than when the baby actually arrived, which would seem really ungrateful and rejecting. I don't know for sure, because he was a boy and the question never arose in the end, but I think if you have a strong preference it is probably better to find out in advance if you can.

I had a boy first. It's didn't occur to me that dc2 could be a girl, actually had palpitations when it did occur to me at 8 months. I was terrified of having a girl - I knew little boys, I had a little boy already. Happily for me dc 2 was a boy. Dc3 I was a bit more prepared for a girl but still wanted a boy.

Yep. I didn't get it, doesn't mean I love the DC any less

I wanted a girl and was convinced I was carrying one. I was not. Which stunned me a bit , but by the time I took him home I had forgotten I ever wanted a girl.

I didn't have a preference, I was pretty terrified until the 20 week scan in all 3 pregnancies, so felt nothing but relief when the scan was done, the sex seemed irrelevant.

I have friends who were desperate for one or the other, and would and have never judged them for it.

I think in our society we get very used to be able to pick what it is that we want. And so on some level I think it can sort of comes a bit of a shock when it comes to trying to conceive that we get no say whatsoevereven though the such an integral part of your life. after all I get to pick where I live, my partner, hell thecolours of my curtains and sofa and yet not this. And so whilst rationally I know that I can't control it part of me thinks hang on I got to pick what I had for lunch, why do I have so little control here?

I think it is pretty natural to feel that if this were a matter of picking out of the John Lewis catalogue I would have preference for a gender. I think the issue is if your actual Childs gender becomes a disappointment or, as I have seen in more extreme cases, trying to force hobbies or activities on the child more normally seen in the other gender.

To elaborate on my previous post:

Thr first time round, I wanted a boy very badly as I had an awful relationship with my mother and was terrified that I'd be a dreadful mum to a girl, as I had no idea how to be a good one - no role model.

The second time round, I had calmed down a bit and realised that they're just people and that you csn treat them the same, pretty much I almost feel that I could have worked out a lot of my own mother issues if I'd become a mother to a girl, but it wasn't to be.

Oh well, I've got a good counsellor!

I was thrilled to be having a boy. I don't know how I would have felt if DS had been a girl. I guess deep down I wanted a boy but I can't honestly say I would have been disappoint with a girl, I may have convinced myself I had wanted a girl all along!

We are ttc DC2 now and I genuinely don't care. I'd be really happy to have a girl but I would be just as happy to have another boy because DS is ace!

I don't judge if someone has a preference at all, I don't think people can control how they honestly feel!

I wanted girls both times, and with DD1, for some reason I felt sure that she was right from the start. (All the silly tests, heart beat, etc said girl too)

The second time, for some reason I just felt like I was having a boy, and initially the scan looked like a boy too. I was ok about it. But I ended up needing another scan for something and that time it was quite clear that there were girl parts there. And I love having both girls, but I'm sure I would have been fine if a boy had popped out somewhere.

I was happy with whatever I got. Genuinely no preference. But with one of my pregnancies we thought we were having one gender, and ended up having the other. I was overjoyed to have another healthy child, yet at the same time sort of mourned for the one I did not have. It took me 6-8w to come to terms with it. And I was happy during that time; it did not spoil things for me.

I didn't mind, I've got 2 of each, DH minded as DS2's his only DC. He definitely wanted a boy, to the point where I found it quite irritating.

I just always assumed I'd have boys. In dh's family, out of the last 25 babies born, 22 of them had been boys. Sure enough, out popped ds. Delightful baby. Pregnant for second time and we just assumed it too would be a boy and only had boys' names sorted.

And then dd arrived! I had no idea how desperately dh had secretly been hoping for a girl. I still remember him sitting next to the bed in the hospital holding her, with this dreamy, slightly smug look on his face. She's been an absolute joy for the last 16+ years (as has ds).

After 4 losses obviously all I wanted was a healthy baby but I still had a preference even though either sex would have been loved and wanted just the same.

But we're being honest so I really, really wanted a DS and that's what I got I've always wanted a boy and was quite nervous at the prospect of a girl. I don't think we'll have another (related to losses and tough pregnancy) but again I'm worried about having a girl and would prefer another DS.

I remember a sweet little chap (the youngest of 4 boys), in my class once, telling me his mum was having another baby, but was crying all the time. He told me she'd just found out she was having another boy, "but she's fed up of us boys."

I had a DS first, no preference ahead of his birth and we didn't find out the sex. When I was expecting DC2 I kind of hoped they would be a girl because I'd always wanted one of each, but there was also an element of wanting another boy because DS was so brilliant. Overall I wanted a girl more than a boy, but not enough to want to find out at the scan. She did turn out to be a girl and I love having one of each, but am sure I would have loved another boy too. I don't think DH had a strong preference, but my mum told me after she was born that my dad was over the moon because he'd always wanted a granddaughter.

First child was a boy and we just 'knew' and were pleased. Second time around we had a DD. I was 55:45 wanting a girl (for curiosity, not pink, clothes, shopping etc) but really wanted another boy for DS. Same sexed siblings tend to be closer in adult life and I wanted DS to have a close adult relationship.

Thank you for starting this thread. It still feels a bit like a taboo subject and I find it hard to admit to how I'm feeling even to good friends. We have DD1 and have just found out we're expecting DD2. I felt like I had to find out ahead of time this time around as so many people were prophesying a boy and I had suspicions it was another girl. DH was gutted as he comes from a very blokey family and always thought he'd be taking a little lad down the rugby pitch (and prob onto the bar afterwards). If I'm 100% honest, I always thought I'd have one of each and have had to grieve a little bit for the son I will never have (really don't want to go through another pregnancy again). I've come to the same conclusion that I think other posters here have reached: that it's less a question of gender and more one of personality. It also pains me to think that my second little girl might ever feel anything less than entirely loved and wanted. Certain friends and relatives have been less than helpful by 'commiserating' with DH and saying things like 'oh well, there's always next time' which makes me feel a bit like Anne Boleyn but I'm glad I found out early so that everyone could get very much used to it beforehand and get ready to welcome her, whoever she is!