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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if honestly ... did you have a preference?

195 replies

chocgourmet · 10/01/2015 15:51

DH and I are planning to TTC no2.

DS has just turned 1 and I really want a girl this time Blush

I'm actually a bit scared to ttc in case it's another boy and it impacts on bonding with him which sounds awful.

Can anyone reassure me that these silly feelings go? Or not - and if they don't, how do you deal with them?

OP posts:
neversleepagain · 11/01/2015 20:52

When I found out I was having twins at 13 weeks I really wanted 2 girls, my second choice was one of each and 2 boys was my last choice (tbh I really didn't want boys but would never have admitted thus to anyone).

I was convinced I was having two boys. I was wrong!

impatienceisavirtue · 11/01/2015 21:10

I'm pregnant with my fourth boy. I'm delighted, he's happy and healthy and after two mcs and a lot longer than we thought ttc, we are over the moon.

I won't lie though. Whilst not disappointed to be having another boy, a part of me was sad that I will never have a daughter. I gave myself five minutes to have a pity party and then moved on.

102030 · 11/01/2015 21:20

I had a preference for a girl but had to wait until DC3 until I got one. I don't love my boys any the less for being boys though. After the first two were boys I thought it would be good to learn the sex of DC3 before she wa born so that I could get used to the idea of whatever sex she was. I think it was a good idea for me. I don't see what is so wrong with admitting you have a preference as long as you are not dissapointed with whoever it is you get.

I also had a preference for tall sons as they are some seriously short relatives on my DHs side along with some extremely tall relatives. Blush. I guess that is probably an unacceptable thing to have a preference for Confused. Obviously I normally keep my thoughts to myself.

102030 · 11/01/2015 21:26

impatienceisavirtue. My friends had four boys and when she had DS number 4 she made up some birth announcements with a cute photo of all four boys and the caption 'oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy' It really made me laugh.

impatienceisavirtue · 11/01/2015 21:36

I might have to steal that idea!!

GoldfishSpy · 11/01/2015 22:36

My 2 brothers are a huge part of my mum's life.

It's not true boys disappear!

Philoslothy · 11/01/2015 22:42

I wanted our fourth to be a boy as we had two girls, DS2 was indeed a boy.

DD3 ( baby 5) we were no bothered and we are not really bothered this time for reasons of symmetry a boy would be nice but of course it does not really matter.

Mrsfrumble · 11/01/2015 22:46

I've not read the rest of the thread... I was worried the reactions the OP may have got would have put me off posting honestly!

And honestly, yes. I wanted boys. I don't know why. I'm a tomboy, I have two older brothers and at that point only had nephews. I was so thrilled to find out that DC1 was a boy! When DC2 was revealed to be a girl I felt a twinge of disappointment - not much, because I already had my boy - and any reservations about having a girl disappeared when I held DD for the first time.

Now I realize how daft it is to have such preconceptions. Two girls would have been just as much of a blessing and a delight. But that was how I felt before I knew better.

LLJ4 · 11/01/2015 22:50

Actually, this is one of the kindest "gender preference" threads I've ever seen. Lots of honesty and reassurance; nobody telling us we're unnatural or ungrateful (because, after all, we aren't).

Olivia's Peace and Love is all around.

Sternin · 11/01/2015 22:51

When I gave birth in June, I initially thought I had had a boy. I was so thrilled when they corrected me and said it was a girl!

I like to think that it was because I subconsciously knew she was a girl, not because I didn't want a boy. I remember looking at what I thought were testicles and feeling confused, like something wasn't right.

holeinmyheart · 11/01/2015 23:36

goldfish Mmmm just consulted my six woman friends again who have male married children ........... Yep! They do disappear. I wish it wasn't true, but it is.
My married boys phone me regularly but I very rarely see them alone now. Their wives are their social secretaries and arrangements to meet up have to be made through them. Their wive's families come first. I accept this situation, It is just a fact of life.

With my daughters, I am still the main women in their lives. They arrange to go out with me shopping, lunching, etc. They wanted me there when they were pregnant not their MIL.
You only have to read the vitriolic threads about MILs on MN to understand that daughters prefer their own DMs. They are usually much more forgiving about their own families transgressions.

Your DM may not be telling you the truth about how she feels. You don't say whether your brothers are married.
I didn't know how hurt my DM was about how her darling baby boy disappeared when he married, until she was in her 80's. She didn't even tell me how mush she disliked my SIL until she was practically on her deathbed. She was discrete. My SIL still doesn't know, neither does my brother.

None of my children know any of this. I discuss it with my women friends because they are experiencing the same situation and they understand where I am coming from.
All six of us can't be wrong can we ? It is not just the six of us. Any Mother I meet says the same thing. The relationship with a married son is not the same as a relationship with a married daughter.
Of course there are exceptions, but in my circle of friends there isn't one.

sleepywombat · 12/01/2015 01:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluecarrot · 12/01/2015 01:34

I wanted #2 to be another girl (which she is) and DP wanted a boy. He says next time we should use all the old wives tales to swing it in his favour... I'd be happy for another girl. I'm not "girly" wanting to do makeup and fancy dress princesses etc, I just not sure I'll be as good a mum at meeting a boys needs as a girls as they grow up.

HicDraconis · 12/01/2015 05:09

holeinmyheart the vitriolic MiL threads are here because people post asking for advice, to vent ire and to seek companionship in their misery. If you have a fab MiL with whom you get on brilliantly, you don't feel the same urge to start a thread about it. Therefore the MiL / DiL relationship portrayed on mn is skewed at best.

I wonder if subconsciously you and your friends have treated your daughters differently ('knowing' that sons will be distant once adult) and that your children have picked up on it, turning your fear into a self fulfilling prophecy.

I also agree with sleepywombat that even if your observations are accurate (sample size of 7 so not the stuff observational studies are made of!) it was an unpleasant thing to post.

McKayz · 12/01/2015 05:42

With DS1 I wasn't bothered until the day of the scan. Then for some reason I really wanted a boy.

With DS2 I would have liked a girl and was worried I'd be upset but was actually really happy with another boy.

Probably get flamed for this but we tried the Shettles method to try and get a girl which worked. We wanted a baby so thought we would try it.

I don't know if there will be DC4 but I think we'd be happy with either.

McKayz · 12/01/2015 05:45

The boys disappearing thing is also bullshit. Maybe a few do but in my case PIL hear more from DH now than they did before we met!

duplodon · 12/01/2015 05:56

I have been thinking about this and in my and my husband's family, it just isn't true. My maternal grandmother had five boys and three girls, the girls live abroad and the boys visit her weekly, not only with their wives. My paternal grandmother and my husband's lived with us as children. My stepfather visits his mother weekly, without my mother. My sister lives with her mother in law, her husband also takes his mother to church and for lunch every week. My brother in law and his wife see my mil daily and she provides all childcare. My aunt's mil always cared for their children. My neighbour's mother in law provides two days childcare a week for them.

That's eleven boys who didn't disappear. They can't all be wrong, can they?

SocialMediaAddict · 12/01/2015 05:59

I had DD first and when I discovered I was pregnant with identical twins I really wanted boys (which they were).

duplodon · 12/01/2015 06:05

Also shouldn't all adult children 'disappear' in the sense of putting their new families first when they have them?

Oh and when my SIL lost a baby midterm, it was her PIL who buried the baby with her and her husband, though she has a good relationship with her own parents... And my sister's MIL went to my sister's first scan, not my own mother.

These are just small examples. I think if a mother tries to compete to be the most important woman in their son's life, the son rightly should 'disappear' though, as it is unhealthy and cloying for any parental relationship to expect to be so exclusive in adulthood.

TheWordFactory · 12/01/2015 06:45

I think many adult sons 'disappear' through apathy actually.

They consider the sending of cards/ gifts and the making of arrangements 'women's work' and leave it up to their wives. Not surprisingly then that their wives prioritise their own families.

These are all adult men, perfectly capable to buying stamps, sending emails or picking up the phone. The fact that they don't is not the fault of their wives/partners.

FriendlyLadybird · 12/01/2015 07:34

I was fairly convinced that DD (seond child) was going to be a boy, and was pleased about it. I have two younger brothers so was quite easy with the idea of handling two boys. But when the baby was born and snuggling on my chest, and the midwife and DH had a peek under the blanket and told me she was a girl I suddenly realised that a daughter was what I had wanted all along!

It's partly why I'm in not in favour of finding out the sex at 22 weeks, when it's still all rather abstract (grainy picture on a scan). You can't possibly be disappointed with a real life baby cuddling up to you, boy or girl.

FriendlyLadybird · 12/01/2015 07:39

Oh, and re. some of the messages above, my mother quoted at me:

"A son is your son 'til he gets him a wife
But a daughter's your daughter for the rest of her life."

It's not true, though. In my family, my father wasn't very good at keeping up with his mother, but there were reasons for that. His brother was great, my uncle on the other side had a lovely relationship with my grandmother, and both my brothers have good, and active, relationships with my mother.

thegreylady · 12/01/2015 07:40

My dd wanted a girl for dc2 but when ds2 was born she was delighted with him and having two the same sex has many practical advantages.

thegreylady · 12/01/2015 07:46

I have one of each. My dd lives close by so I see her and her dc a lot. My ds lives abroad but when I was ill he flew over and he is affectionate when we are together. I like his wife and love his dd. Boys and girls are different but equal. However little boys tend to be very loving whereas it is easier to br ver clos to an adult dd. Two boys would have been perfect as would two girls. Enjoy your family.

saltedcaramelicious · 12/01/2015 08:52

I secretly really wanted dc1 to be a girl. I was "convinced" it was a boy though and actually bought a blue item of clothing during pg. I think though that I was just preparing myself for the possibility of a boy, rather than having any kind of intuition. It didn't surprise me that he was a boy as if already told myself he was. I didn't find out the sex at scan, as I wanted to wait til the birth. I love him to bits, but really hope I do have a girl one day. I have no sisters or female cousins, and would love another female in my family to have that bond with. Ds and I have a lovely bond, I would still really like a girl though. Ds is 10 now so if/when I have another baby it'll just be lovely to have another baby, if I have another boy I won't be surprised - can't really imagine having a girl after being surrounded by mostly males! I would love it though.