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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend my sister's wedding

144 replies

TheRealThursdayNext · 05/01/2015 22:09

(sorry for another wedding dilemma thread, will try to be brief)
My sister gets married in May and the guest list includes our father who I haven't spoken to for 20+years, and don't intend to see ever again, particularly not in public at an important event.
So I intend to tell her I won't go if he does. I'm not going to ask that he is not invited, who she has there is her choice, but I do expect her to tell me whether or not he is attending so I can base mine and my family's (partner & kids) attendance on that.
He's not a monster, he just pushed us out of his life many years ago so I made a conscious decision to live mine without him in it as the less painful option, rather than waiting for him to get in touch (he didn't), and my sister is fully aware of this. It's been a successful decision and has allowed me to move on from an unhappy childhood. Naturally my sister isn't estranged from him, although they had a few years of not speaking. I think it will also be pretty awkward for our mother (who has never remarried, to his 2 subsequent wives, one of whom he left her for) who doesn't really have anything to do with him either.
Sis hasn't mentioned to me that he's invited, which I'm a bit annoyed about, it's come back to me via another relative. I will say something to her about it when we next talk and I expect her to tell me I'm being selfish, I think she's a bit naive to expect us both to go, or for our mother to fully enjoy the day. I would be sad to miss her wedding but I'm not prepared to spend the whole event feeling awkward and uncomfortable, avoiding his gaze and that of all the other family members who are aware of the situation, or a possible confrontation. And I couldn't possibly imagine the photographer trying to gather 'all the bride's family' for a cosy photo. so AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
DarkHeart · 06/01/2015 16:17

Another one that thinks YABU and self-absorbed. Also being a shit actress is just an excuse- its HER day.

GraysAnalogy · 06/01/2015 16:19

Yep YABU.

I could completely understand if he was some sort of monster but you've said he wasn't, you gave the impression he was someone who couldn't be arsed and pushed you all away. I'm not saying that's not bad, it's horrible for you, but does it really make it that unbearable being in a room with him? You don't have to speak to him. You don't even need to look at him.

This will probably be your sisters only wedding, do you really want to miss it because of some tosspot you can easily ignore?

I think I'd be annoyed if my brothers did what you were thinking of doing. I'd be annoyed that you couldn't be civil - or just blatantly ignore - for a few hours of one day

sheldonesque · 06/01/2015 16:21

Another one who thinks you should go.

But I think if anything your sister has been unreasonable and selfish - she has not been fair. I understand it is her day and all but to not even tell/pre-warn you he is going when she must know how you feel?

Bit shit that.

lalaladeedah · 06/01/2015 16:29

YANBU to not go.

But YABU if you don't at least consider it a little bit more. I think if your DF wasn't actually abusive (although that line is a hard on to draw sometimes) then perhaps you could go for the ceremony and perhaps a glass of champagne afterwards. Perhaps make sure you leave before anyone gets too alcohol soaked and you lose it with him.

I'm trying to think what I would do in your situation if I had to see my abusive Stepfather (can't bring myself to tag "darling" in front of that) and I think I would be able go, providing I perhaps had a 'mentor' who would ensure I could enjoy the wedding without him coming up to me. I think I could manage a nod towards him.
In other words, it could be done, for the happiness of one of my siblings. Perhaps you could still consider going.

Viviennemary · 06/01/2015 16:33

I think you should go to the wedding. If your Dad is there just ignore him completely. And make sure you are not seated anywhere near him. You don't have to speak to him if you don't want to.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 06/01/2015 16:38

As others have said, I'd try to chat with your sister about this and see if there's some arrangements that can be put in place (like ensuring you and mum are on a different table to your dad, no photographs together etc). I'd try everything I could to make it work as best it can. I wouldn't risk losing a sibling relationship over someone I was NC with.

If my sister couldn't/wouldn't accommodate then I'd decline. I definitely wouldn't say I wasn't going if x was. I'd simply decline.

Stormingateacup · 06/01/2015 16:54

I'm generally of the opinion that grown adults should be able to behave themselves for one day for the sake of others. It's not about you.

I would answer differently if he'd done something terrible, abuse or whatever.

AngelDreams · 06/01/2015 17:02

i think i agree with the mn consensus here

"I went because I decided there's no chance I'd allow her to mean I missed out on things that were important."

this sums it up for me, is your sister more important than this man?

clairabellababy · 06/01/2015 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coumarin · 06/01/2015 17:17

It isn't about you or him, it's about your sister. It'll make her happy if her sister and her Dad are there.

If you don't go, you'll be making it about you. That seems incredibly selfish. Not just the sadness she'll feel on the day but for years to come.

Every group picture she'll have of her wedding will having a glaring omission that she'll notice and feel shit about, every time she looks at them.

I have a important family party coming up. Two of my siblings aren't talking to each so one is refusing to come. The party isn't for either of them and they're both important to the hosts who have nothing to do with the falling out. By refusing to go and harping on about for weeks the one refusing is making the focus be on them. The whole thing will be tainted by them not being there. Both siblings are responsible for the fall out but the one who's refusing to attend is being very selfish imo.

You don't have to talk to him or anything. Just paint a smile on and be there for your sister. Do something for someone else without thinking about yourself. For one day.

So yes YABU.

FaFoutis · 06/01/2015 18:33

The other thing is that if you make your sister choose she may well choose him. How would you deal with that?

bensam · 06/01/2015 19:04

I am another who thinks you should go - for your sisters sake. You could ask her to ensure that you're seated well away from him at the reception. It won't be difficult to avoid him and if he tries to speak to you, you can walk away. It's only for one day...

Aked · 06/01/2015 19:05

She is not being naive, you are being selfish. Its HER wedding day and she wants her family there, if you can't put it aside for one day your being childish.

WooWooOwl · 06/01/2015 19:17

Was your sister in contact with your dad at the time of her first wedding?

Mrsstarlord · 06/01/2015 19:18

Sorry but YABU.

Go and ignore him, you're an adult, put your sister first.

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2015 00:32

Grays you said This will probably be your sisters only wedding, it is not, the OP has already said she went to her sister's first wedding and her father did not.

Bogeyface · 07/01/2015 00:50

Not sure the OP is coming back after the raft of YABU that she got!

HelloItsStillMeFell · 07/01/2015 03:14

Maybe there was a rift or a long period of separation around the time of her first wedding. Perhaps he and the sister are making efforts at a closer relationship now. Regardless of what we or the OP think, that is the sister's prerogative and if she wants him there she should have him there. The OP needs to rise above it. Of course she doesn't have to go, but it seems childish, churlish and attention seeking to not.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 07/01/2015 03:18

And as for the photographer gathering people round for cosy family photos, that is not going to happen. Modern day wedding photographers deal with situations like this week in. week out. Your sister just gives him a list in advance of who she wants grouped together and who she doesn't.

All of this is far, far worse in your head than it will be in reality.

DixieNormas · 07/01/2015 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mmmicecream · 07/01/2015 08:35

Tricky.

YANBU not to go if you don't want to ... BUT if you don't go, you have to own and take responsibility the fact that your decision not to go is yours alone and all down to you, it's not your sister's/father's/mother's fault. FWIW I don't think your sister is being naive in inviting you both either.

Ultimately the choice is yours and yours alone here, and you have to weigh up what you hate the idea of more - seeing your father or missing your sister's wedding. Good luck!

FightOrFlight · 07/01/2015 08:49

Is he really that bad a person that you cannot bear to be in the same room for a few hours on you sister's wedding day? I'm sure you could ask your sister to have a word with him and tell him specifically not to try and approach you.

You say that he has made no effort to try an contact you in 20 years so it doesn't sound like he'd be rushing to make conversation with you anyway. Are you more worried that he will try and talk you, or that he won't try and talk to you, thereby rejecting you all over again?

It almost sounds like you feel you have this 20-year record of not being in the same room as him to 'keep up'. Being at the wedding with him doesn't mean you have thrown away your principles, just that you have put your sister first.

It could all be academic anyway and he doesn't turn up, just like her first wedding. Then the poor girl will have to deal with being let down by both of you. Be the bigger person for the sake of your sister - your Mum will probably be grateful for your moral support too.

MillionToOneChances · 07/01/2015 11:12

YABU. Suck it up for your sister's sake. It's just one day. Her day. Chin up and get on with it. She should have told you, but perhaps she feared this unreasonable reaction.

Vvvoom · 07/01/2015 11:25

I hate weddings! You should go and ignore him - unless he's violent and abusive - for your sister. You don't have to enjoy it, you just need to shoe your love for your sister.

biggles50 · 07/01/2015 11:26

Go for your sister and help to make her day special. Just imagine the repercussions of not attending her wedding. You will hurt her beyond measure.