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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend my sister's wedding

144 replies

TheRealThursdayNext · 05/01/2015 22:09

(sorry for another wedding dilemma thread, will try to be brief)
My sister gets married in May and the guest list includes our father who I haven't spoken to for 20+years, and don't intend to see ever again, particularly not in public at an important event.
So I intend to tell her I won't go if he does. I'm not going to ask that he is not invited, who she has there is her choice, but I do expect her to tell me whether or not he is attending so I can base mine and my family's (partner & kids) attendance on that.
He's not a monster, he just pushed us out of his life many years ago so I made a conscious decision to live mine without him in it as the less painful option, rather than waiting for him to get in touch (he didn't), and my sister is fully aware of this. It's been a successful decision and has allowed me to move on from an unhappy childhood. Naturally my sister isn't estranged from him, although they had a few years of not speaking. I think it will also be pretty awkward for our mother (who has never remarried, to his 2 subsequent wives, one of whom he left her for) who doesn't really have anything to do with him either.
Sis hasn't mentioned to me that he's invited, which I'm a bit annoyed about, it's come back to me via another relative. I will say something to her about it when we next talk and I expect her to tell me I'm being selfish, I think she's a bit naive to expect us both to go, or for our mother to fully enjoy the day. I would be sad to miss her wedding but I'm not prepared to spend the whole event feeling awkward and uncomfortable, avoiding his gaze and that of all the other family members who are aware of the situation, or a possible confrontation. And I couldn't possibly imagine the photographer trying to gather 'all the bride's family' for a cosy photo. so AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 05/01/2015 22:41

as much as I appreciate your position I actually think yabvvu and quite nasty.

she is your sister! you should be going for her. you don't have to speak to your father and yiu cam ask your sister to have a picture taken of you her and your mum if you want but to refuse to go because you made a decision never to set eyes on him is incredibly selfish.

sliceofsoup · 05/01/2015 22:41

YABU.

He pushed you out of his life and now you are going to let him keep you away from your sisters wedding?

The best thing you can do is go along, be happy for your sister and hold your head high.

kennyp · 05/01/2015 22:42

after a few nights' sleep i'm sure you'll feel differently about it and will go, ignore your dad, stay for as long as you can and then leave with no need to speak to him (from the sounds of it)

(fwiw i had to go to a funeral recently and my estranged narcissist personality disordered mother was there. i hung on as long as i could before leaving and i would have regretted not going to the funeral just because of that old bat). (no communication at all at the funeral, nor the previous decade)

with hindsight, a month or so after the wedding - how do you think you'd feel if you didn't go? (for example)

Vycount · 05/01/2015 22:43

If Op attends then "slips away" she is in danger of making this about her, turning people's attention to her and becoming a topic of conversation. All she needs to do is resolve to enjoy herself and steer clear of any problems.

doubleshotespresso · 05/01/2015 22:43

Could you not attend the ceremony and leave staight afterwards? That way you are there to see your sister have her big moment but avoid any conflict later....

A weak compromise for you maybe?

weegiemum · 05/01/2015 22:45

I've been nc with my mother for almost 10 years. My younger brother got married about 15 months ago - she had said she wasn't coming but changed her mind the night before!

She blanked me and dh as I expected, and also our dc, which saddened me. Dd1 was 13 and had memories of her and wanted to say hello, but my mother was very offhand with dd1 which was upsetting.

I'm still glad I went to the wedding, it was a great day and it was so lovely to see my wee brother so happy, he'd always said he wasn't really the marrying kind!

I think you owe it to your sister to slap on a brave face and go. Definitely don't make her choose. My fil did that for our wedding - said he wouldn't come if we didn't invite his OW (was separated but not yet divorced from mil). It made things very tense.

Deemail · 05/01/2015 22:46

Yabu, if you do this you'll more than likely damage your relationship with your sis forever.
This is your sisters wedding, it's about her not you, if you refuse to attend then you're willingly choosing to cast a rather big shadow over not just her day but the next few months of planning and her initial newly wed period.
Sometimes loving someone needs to be unconditional and this is one of those times, she needs to come first not you.

Gawjushun · 05/01/2015 22:47

I've been to a wedding where I've had to be in the same room as estranged relatives. A few frosty glances were exchanged, but we all understood that it was about the bride and groom. I went with DH, left DC at home just in case it kicked off, and left the reception about 9 so there were no drunken arguments. As long as the seating chart has you on separate ends of the room then you should be able to work with it.

VanitasVanitatum · 05/01/2015 22:48

I agree that this is about your sister, not you. Surely you can do this for her, a day of feeling a bit uncomfortable versus a life time of her wedding memories being tainted for her?

noblegiraffe · 05/01/2015 22:48

My DH's dad didn't attend our wedding because he didn't want to be in the same room as his ex wife.

It was shit for my DH and has cast a shadow over the day ever since.

Get a grip and go to the wedding. It's not about you. Ignore your dad, celebrate your sister's wedding.

Balloonspaghetti · 05/01/2015 22:50

Also most brides tell the photographer beforehand who to avoid sticking in photos with each other... Mine was only a student photographer but she was savvy enough to ask about this when we met up prior, I think most would be these days as so many blended families. Mind you blind mil did get one papped with fil... Lucky she was blind and never knew... Didn't realise till we got the wedding photos back but only the one and likely a mistake that other than fil and his new wife nobody noticed, and they've never mentioned it since

Let your sister have a really special day. Wedding planning is really stressful and it's no wonder some people just elope in the end as by the end you start to wonder who the day is about and who it's for. Don't be the person she blames for stealing the joy from her wedding.

NeedABumChange · 05/01/2015 22:51

YABU and very self absorbed. I hope she tells you to naff off.

campingfilth · 05/01/2015 22:55

Jesus get over yourself and grow up! This is your sisters wedding offs. You do not have to talk to this man. You are being very selfish and unreasonable.

If you were my sister and refused to come to my wedding because I'd invited my dad then I doubt I would speak to you again.

Ratbagcatbag · 05/01/2015 23:00

Ok I'll be a lone voice and say yanbu.

If for your mental health and moving forward you went NC then you need to continue with that, I also think your dsis is being unfair by not telling you he's invited, she must know your feelings and to expect you to walk into that would be awful.

I'm nc with my dad, and I will never be in the same space as him again, I'd also hate for him to meet my dd, which I'm assuming would be firsts for your children too.

Hugs as its difficult.

I don't think you should say to your Sis if he comes you're not, I think like a pp said, ask if he's attending and if he is politely decline.

CrispyFern · 05/01/2015 23:01

It is hard, but you've got to do it for your sister, sorry! That's the grown up thing to do.

crazypuglady · 05/01/2015 23:01

I am in two minds about this. I think whether YABU or not depends on the type of person your father is.

I have a very similar relationship with my biological father and if I were in your shoes I couldn't go simply because he is an aggressive, histrionic narcissist who would be unable to leave ME alone. I could ignore him all day long but he wouldn't be able to ignore me. If your father is the same Id say it would be better all round if you didn't go tbh.

redrubyindigo · 05/01/2015 23:02

It is your sister's wedding not yours.
I understand your pain but get some bricks, build a bridge and get over it or risk your relationship with your sister.

It is a few hours out of your life.

Why was your childhood so unhappy? Was it all your Dad's fault?

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey · 05/01/2015 23:03

I've been in your DSis' s shoes. The drama that went on during the build up to my wedding was horrible. One party saying they couldn't come if the other was going to be there. We begged, cajoled, bribed, compromised, reassured and then gave up trying.

She came in the end and all was fine.
Buti won't ever forget how the wedding build up and day was overshadowed by her.

Original poster
TheRealThursdayNext · 05/01/2015 23:09

Some food for thought, thank you. I think I'm currently most hurt that she hasn't said anything to me about him being invited (he wasn't to her first wedding) and I wonder if she was ever going to, it has come as rather a shock to both our mum and me. And to all those 'it's her day' comments I am aware of that, which is why I am thinking it might be less stressful for her if I weren't there since I'm a shit actress. I'll sleep on it before I call her.

OP posts:
CrazyOldBagLady · 05/01/2015 23:10

I think you should suck it up and go. There will always be times in life when you have to be around people you aren't keen on, and if you are a grown up you just avoid those people as much as possible and disengage quickly and politely if you don't want to speak to them.

I'm unsure how your mother fits into this picture too. Has she also said she will not go to the wedding, or are you just projecting your own feelings onto her? If you decide to bring this up to your sister I wouldn't bring your mother into it at all, I presume she can speak and act for herself.

Balloonspaghetti · 05/01/2015 23:15

On the day the only times she'll actually notice you are when you are being supportive, helping touch up make up, wink of an eye before she walks down the aisle etc

When she is hugging you in photos

When you wave her off on honeymoon and tell her how proud of her you are

And if you create a scene

I wouldn't fuss over your acting ability. Nobody is asking you to play happy families - just to be outwardly civil and not batter your dad on her wedding day.

RockinHippy · 05/01/2015 23:15

YABVU & Passive aggressive to boot

It's your sisters wedding, you don't get to call the shots, just go to the wedding & put your spoilt brat head away for the day FFS

Balloonspaghetti · 05/01/2015 23:16

Also, has he officially accept the invite yet? He may yet decline himself.

Don't throw yourself under the bus just yet

RockinHippy · 05/01/2015 23:20

Just spotted your update - sorry, must not start a reply & get side tracked Blush

Honestly, just go, there will be so many people there you won't find it hard to just keep away from him - I've dealt with ?orse for a good friends 40th & it was actually quite empowering to face it & enjoy myself anyway Wink

zipzap · 05/01/2015 23:23

We've had this sort of at our wedding...

BIL got married about a year before we did - mil and fil are divorced, it was a small wedding and he invited both of them. mil refused to go on a 'I'm not coming if he is going basis' - and was then very upset when bil said no, I'm inviting both my parents and it is your decision whether or not to come, I'm not going to choose between my parents. BIL was very upset that she wouldn't come (he had said he would do everything he could to ensure that she would be kept apart from him at the event), mil was very upset that bil 'chose' fil over mil even though bil was insisting that it was mil that was 'choosing' not to come - basically a lose-lose situation.

Roll forward to our wedding... much bigger affair. Again, invited both pil. Mil hadn't got over missing bil's wedding, so again we promised that we would keep them apart as much as possible, they didn't need to sit anywhere near each other at any time, plenty of family around to keep an eye on both of them and keep them apart. Mil did come - and was glad, she didn't see or speak to fil or step-mil, had a nice time at the wedding. But BIL didn't come - because he didn't want to see mil there as he felt betrayed that she was coming to our wedding but hadn't come to his. argh. I think he also wanted to avoid fil but for separate reasons - but added to reasons not to come. Meant that dh was really upset as he adores his big brother and would have loved him to have been there. He also felt that it was a shame that he was essentially a victim (bit strong but you get what I mean) of mil's initial decision to not go to bil's wedding and that bil effectively got back at their mum but in doing so managed to hurt dh in the way that bil had been hurt originally so you'd have thought he wouldn't have wanted to inflict that on someone...

which is a long way around to say think very carefully before not going - because there could be repercussions that you don't expect further down the line. See if there is anything at all you can do to go and not see your dad - even if it means sitting on the grooms side or whatever. And then make the decision, rather than do a simple 'if he is there, I won't be' as things never are that simple!