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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not attend my sister's wedding

144 replies

TheRealThursdayNext · 05/01/2015 22:09

(sorry for another wedding dilemma thread, will try to be brief)
My sister gets married in May and the guest list includes our father who I haven't spoken to for 20+years, and don't intend to see ever again, particularly not in public at an important event.
So I intend to tell her I won't go if he does. I'm not going to ask that he is not invited, who she has there is her choice, but I do expect her to tell me whether or not he is attending so I can base mine and my family's (partner & kids) attendance on that.
He's not a monster, he just pushed us out of his life many years ago so I made a conscious decision to live mine without him in it as the less painful option, rather than waiting for him to get in touch (he didn't), and my sister is fully aware of this. It's been a successful decision and has allowed me to move on from an unhappy childhood. Naturally my sister isn't estranged from him, although they had a few years of not speaking. I think it will also be pretty awkward for our mother (who has never remarried, to his 2 subsequent wives, one of whom he left her for) who doesn't really have anything to do with him either.
Sis hasn't mentioned to me that he's invited, which I'm a bit annoyed about, it's come back to me via another relative. I will say something to her about it when we next talk and I expect her to tell me I'm being selfish, I think she's a bit naive to expect us both to go, or for our mother to fully enjoy the day. I would be sad to miss her wedding but I'm not prepared to spend the whole event feeling awkward and uncomfortable, avoiding his gaze and that of all the other family members who are aware of the situation, or a possible confrontation. And I couldn't possibly imagine the photographer trying to gather 'all the bride's family' for a cosy photo. so AIBU to not go?

OP posts:

m0therofdragons · 07/01/2015 20:45

Dh's grandmother pulled the I'm not going if he is stunt for our wedding. I'll never forgive her for being so selfish and putting dh through it. It's hardly surprising she wants her dad there even if he's crap but I presume she also wants her sister there. You need to realise this isn't about you. Just ensure a few trusted people are there to keep him apart and ask your sister to make it clear he is not to approach you.

GraysAnalogy · 07/01/2015 20:49

I don't understand how it being the second wedding even matters, doesn't make it any less of a special day for her.

agree with m0therofdragons - love the username by the way

GraysAnalogy · 07/01/2015 20:49

tiny positive difference it might make to the sister

tiny difference? Really?

9Bluedolphins · 07/01/2015 20:59

Fun for the sister, having to spend her wedding ensuring that 2 or more of her close family members not meet, not be in the same photo, not have anyone mention the other to them, not mention the other or anything that might offend the other when they give a speech, and so on and so on. Stupid and stressful.
If the getting married sister wants her sister to come knowing that it will make her feel really bad, then she's being totally self-centred.

GraysAnalogy · 07/01/2015 21:05

Why would she have to do that? They're both adults, I'm sure they're capable of sorting themselves out.

Thumbwitch · 07/01/2015 21:27

Really Grays? You can't see that the weeping and wailling about "oh but it's her BIG DAY you have to be there" doesn't really add up when the OP was in fact at her sister's FIRST "big day" (and her father wasn't)?

She's done it once. I think it was also somewhat sneaky of the sister not to have mentioned that she'd invited their father - she obviously knew it was going to cause problems, so tried to avoid them by omitting to mention it - can't imagine what that would have been like for the mum and OP, turning up to the wedding and discovering that the father was there without any warning! Especially as he hadn't been to the first one.

Anyway, people have different ideas. I think on balance the OP should go, but not because of any of the "big day" crap, only to support her mum, if she also chooses to go.

Janethegirl · 07/01/2015 21:37

My dsis didn't invite us to her wedding as she thought my dd would be too intimidating to her dh's dds.
I was well pissed off but we still speak although my dd has no intention of inviting my dsis to her wedding.

GraysAnalogy · 07/01/2015 21:42

Weeping and wailing? Pointing out that it is a prominent day isn't people being hysterical ffs.

She may have wanted this chance for him to see her get wed, hopefully for the last time and hopefully to the man she'll spend her life with.

May is still a while off, we don't know if she wasn't going to mention it or if it's even true.

BeCool · 07/01/2015 21:43

Wow are 2nd weddings really that scorned upon?

GraysAnalogy · 07/01/2015 21:43

But yes you're quite right we all have differing opinions, it'd be a bloody boring forum if we didn't

olympicsrock · 07/01/2015 21:43

I do not think Yabu. I was in a similar situation last year when my brother got married. NC with father 10 years. I had previously attended dsis wedding and dsil funeral when he was there and he kept trying to talk to me which was awkward and unpleasant.
However db insisted that he wanted us all there so I went part to support my mum. It was awkward and difficult to avoid him. Receiving line was particularly bad. There were 200 people there and it was stressful seeing him grinning at me from the top table. I had firmly told db in advance that he needed to tell dad that I didn't want to speak to him and that I did not want to play happy families for the photos. Db still asked me to be in same small group family photos on the day. When I refuses he said fine just stay out of the pics which was a shame but I accepted his decision. I coped and I am glad I was able to support their wedding but it was shit. This is a no win situation OP.

wobblyweebles · 07/01/2015 21:51

Lots of divorced parents step parents and children manage to go to weddings and be civil for the bride

And lots don't. I was quite relieved that not all of my family came to my wedding. Much less stressful. In the end we had a pre-wedding party for those who weren't coming to the wedding, which meant we got to celebrate with everyone.

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2015 21:56

Brilliant post TartinaTiara, well said.

vivideye · 07/01/2015 22:02

I am really sympathetic because I understand what it's like not to want to see your father, but on balance I think you are being a little bit unreasonable.

My great uncle died last year and my awful father attended, who I hadn't seen since I was 17 (I am now 34) and kissed me on the cheek in an ostentatious sort of way. I didn't much like it but I was also surprised at how little I cared. As if that wasn't enough my utterly vile grandmother decided to have a bit of a go too. I decided to ignore them both and carry on regardless.

I am still pleased I went, and rather proud of myself too, if I'm perfectly honest! I wanted to celebrate and honour my great uncle and I did. My very nice great aunt and her children were really touched that I attended. If you base your attendance on whether your dad goes then you are giving him a lot of power over you, which can't be right. If I were you I'd worry about whether you might regret not going in the future as it will be a very important event for you and your sister to miss. Also, your dm will keenly want you around for moral support!

I do understand that you are also put out that your sister didn't tell you that she'd invited your dad. Maybe she wanted to know whether he'd come before she decided to tell you. She would have had to have told you at some point. she probably should have told you by now but maybe she hadn't got round to mustering up the courage to tell you! It's a conversation which probably needs a little courage before it's broached.

Anyway, good luck with your phonecall tomorrow.

UngratefulMoo · 07/01/2015 22:08

At my wedding DH's parents were in the middle of a highly acrimonious divorce. They both attended, were polite to each other, took part in photos with big smiles on their faces, and we just made an effort to make sure they didn't have to sit at the same table (we had two top tables).

DH would have been devastated if either one of them hadn't been there.

I obviously don't know what your relationship is like with your sister, but I think YABVU.

To a PP who said that they didn't get this fuss over weddings being the 'best day of your life' - that's fine, but not for you to decide for others. Is it important to your sister? And do you care about what is important to your sister? That's what you need to answer.

wiltingfast · 07/01/2015 22:25

YABU

I can't believe you would rather nurse your anger and resentment against your father, however justified, over attending an event as special as your sister's wedding, even if it is second time round.

If you don't go, your relationship with her will never quite be the same.

fairylightsonthetree · 07/01/2015 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladylily29 · 08/01/2015 17:16

YABU. You're making your sister's day about you and how you feel. You need to put on a brave face for her sake.

DustyGold · 08/01/2015 17:58

I think your sister in unreasonable for not letting you and your Mum know he is coming.
She knows the history. Maybe her day but does not take away responsibility or commonsense.
Being a bride does not take away empathy one would hope. She could have told you and your Mum and talked about issue like a grown up and not rely on a relative informing you.

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