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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend my sister's wedding

144 replies

TheRealThursdayNext · 05/01/2015 22:09

(sorry for another wedding dilemma thread, will try to be brief)
My sister gets married in May and the guest list includes our father who I haven't spoken to for 20+years, and don't intend to see ever again, particularly not in public at an important event.
So I intend to tell her I won't go if he does. I'm not going to ask that he is not invited, who she has there is her choice, but I do expect her to tell me whether or not he is attending so I can base mine and my family's (partner & kids) attendance on that.
He's not a monster, he just pushed us out of his life many years ago so I made a conscious decision to live mine without him in it as the less painful option, rather than waiting for him to get in touch (he didn't), and my sister is fully aware of this. It's been a successful decision and has allowed me to move on from an unhappy childhood. Naturally my sister isn't estranged from him, although they had a few years of not speaking. I think it will also be pretty awkward for our mother (who has never remarried, to his 2 subsequent wives, one of whom he left her for) who doesn't really have anything to do with him either.
Sis hasn't mentioned to me that he's invited, which I'm a bit annoyed about, it's come back to me via another relative. I will say something to her about it when we next talk and I expect her to tell me I'm being selfish, I think she's a bit naive to expect us both to go, or for our mother to fully enjoy the day. I would be sad to miss her wedding but I'm not prepared to spend the whole event feeling awkward and uncomfortable, avoiding his gaze and that of all the other family members who are aware of the situation, or a possible confrontation. And I couldn't possibly imagine the photographer trying to gather 'all the bride's family' for a cosy photo. so AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
myfallingstar · 07/01/2015 11:27

Out of Order why are you involving your sister in this and thus spoiling her big day

I recently have had a falling out with a friend of a friend she is now refusing to come out if I am their, constantly making her choose it's very immature I think the mutual friend is Pratt however I don't care if she comes on night out or not by this behaviour she has shown her self to be spoilt and my friend hs pretty much cut contact she can't be arsed with The demands on who will and won't be invited and finds it immature she can't just be a adult on the few nights a year we do go out

It's very immature just tell your father if he tries to speak to you at the wedding this is not the time of place if you make her choose you won't be seeing your sister either

HootyMcTooty · 07/01/2015 12:17

YABU. Yes your DSis should have told you and your DM that she had invited your DF, but maybe she's waiting until he replies, he might not have confirmed whether or not he's attending. She might have decided not to cause you both stress until she knows he's going.

You say there was no abuse, so if he is going, don't miss out, you'll regret it. Just tell your DSis you won't be in any staged photos with him and will not be talking to him.

She has every right to invite her DF to her wedding. Likewise, you have every right to ignore him.

eurochick · 07/01/2015 12:23

Yabu. Why are you letting a man who apparently means so little to you control whether or not you attend such a significant event as you sister's wedding?

Go, ignore him, support your mum and be there for your sister's big day.

GreatAuntDinah · 07/01/2015 12:28

DH's sister didn't attend our wedding for similar reasons. He shed a few tears over it.

Roussette · 07/01/2015 12:28

Oh for goodness sake, this isn't about you, just go to the wedding for the sake of your sister's happiness. It's just one day, that's all.

ReallyBadParty · 07/01/2015 12:35

Well, I don't think YABU at all.

I think it's difficult for people with "normal" families to understand the huge emotional impact of such a meeting after all that's happened, and tbh I think it's quite likely that some discussion about it all might raise its head at the wedding.

It's difficult to be supremely well mannered and restrained as you would be with non family when feelings built up over many years are brought to the surface.

So I think that while she is perfectly reasonable to ask him, if that's what she wants to do, you would be perfectly reasonable just to decline politely, without getting into it all.

Good luck

Jojoanna · 07/01/2015 13:01

I don't think YABU.
II is up to your sister who she invited. But you can politely decline as said above by Really bad.

GraysAnalogy · 07/01/2015 14:18

I have family who I don't particularly want to see but it wouldn't make me miss my sisters wedding. Sod that. And weddings are usually big enough that you don't have to come into direct contact with someone you want to avoid anyway.

You made a 'conscious decision' to go NC but she didn't, I don't think it's naive of her to expect adults to be able to be civil in these circumstances. I will add it would be completely different if there was a history of abuse.

MagratsHair · 07/01/2015 14:42

This is all rumour at the moment though, you don't actually know whether he is invited or attending or both or neither!

9Bluedolphins · 07/01/2015 14:57

I suspect that the people who are saying you are selfish have never been in this kind of situation themselves. If you go, it will really be a scary and traumatic experience for you. If you briefly and politely explain to your sister why you don't feel able to go, but that you really wish her well etc, and give her a nice wedding present in advance and arrange to meet up afterwards, she should be mature enough to understand, hopefully. She will have loads of other friends and family there. It's a pity she chose to invite him, making it v difficult for you and your mum. Maybe financial reasons for that?

9Bluedolphins · 07/01/2015 15:02

I find it a bit weird how people make such a big deal over whether one person attends the wedding or not. Of course, if you refuse to attend out of spite, that is hurtful, but this would be different, and you would explain that it was nothing to do with your feelings towards your sister.
I think it would be worse for your sister for everyone to attend and for there to be a really difficult atmosphere, with you and your mum dodging your father, and other people not understanding the situation and talking to all of you about one another, bringing you together for photos which you then resist, etc etc. Much better just to explain to sister and then not go.

GraysAnalogy · 07/01/2015 15:05

I'm sorry but you suspect wrong 9blue, because I have, and I'm sure other people on here have too.

I don't see how it will be scary and traumatic. Uncomfortable, anger inducing perhaps? The OP said herself it's a case of her being a 'bad actress' which i take for her being unable to conceal her distaste, not that she's going to break down in tears and fear.

I don't think it's a pity her sister chose to invite him at all, and odd to suggest financial reasons. And I think the only person who would be making this situation difficult is someone who tries to influence - with emotional manipulation - who attends the wedding.

GraysAnalogy · 07/01/2015 15:07

I find it a bit weird how people make such a big deal over whether one person attends the wedding or not

Which is what the OP is doing.

If she doesn't decide to go she'll have to tell her sister why. Sister is then going to feel absolutely terrible and I'm quite sure it'll put a downer on the whole day for her. She'll be thinking she's having to chose one or the other and she shouldn't be put into that situation.

BeCool · 07/01/2015 15:09

I feel really sad for your sister.

Go or don't go, but I agree that you are making this all about you, and not putting your sister first on her wedding day.

I speak as someone who is longtime estranged from her DF.

Thumbwitch · 07/01/2015 15:21

It's her SECOND wedding. So not quite such a big deal as if it were her first/only.

However - I do think YAB a little U, unless your mother also plans to boycott - she's going to need support there and you would be leaving her to face it all without your support.

I understand why you wouldn't want to see him, but you don't have to talk to him beyond the usual civilities.

TartinaTiara · 07/01/2015 15:52

YANBU. Up to your sister who to invite. Up to those invited as to whether they choose to attend. Bollocks to all the can't you be a grown up, you'll ruin her day nonsense. You're being a grown up by deciding, for yourself, exactly what you'll put up with and what you won't tolerate.

Women in general have to suck up all this shit about having responsibility for everyone else's feelings. I bet your father isn't losing a moment's sleep over whether you'll be there. Probably not losing any sleep over whether your DSis wants him there, either; he'll be deciding whether it suits him, and him alone, to go to this wedding. Be nice to your DSis, tell her you'll come and help her get ready and wave her off with a smile, but don't feel you have to attend the wedding.

9Bluedolphins · 07/01/2015 16:24

If the sister is even remotely close to her mum and her sister, the OP, she will know that their attending the wedding will be very hard for them. And they can't just blend in with the crowd - they'll be given a lot of prominence, with the dad, as the bride's closest family members.
The OP is not making the day all about her. She's proposing informing the bride well ahead of the day that she won't be there, and the bride will have all her friends and other relatives there for her, as well as her new husband. So hardly pining away on her own at her wedding. The sister not being there for those few hours will make little difference, and will avoid the risk of a difficult atmosphere and possibly even a scene. Not being prepared to be in photos, as one of the main players, wouldn't help improve the day, would it?
The mum can take a close friend or relative (eg her own sister) to support her.
My sister's new husband's relatives literally fought each other at her wedding, having had some alcohol. It's not her happiest memory.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 07/01/2015 18:05

Don't you just love these threads that go on and on and the OP (having been told they are definitely BU) are nowhere to be seen?

magoria · 07/01/2015 18:10

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I was going to say is there anyway you can suck it up for your sister and be the bigger person.

Then you posted this is her second wedding so I think you can politely decline.

Nearasdammit · 07/01/2015 18:13

Just ignore him. Unless the wedding is going to be held in a cupboard there'll be room for you and your father to give each other a wide berth surely?

WilburIsSomePig · 07/01/2015 18:21

Sorry but YABU. This isn't about you or your dad. Or even your mu. You don't need to cause a scene you just go and don't have anything to do with him. This will only be a drama if you make it one.

Eustasiavye · 07/01/2015 19:29

Tell your sister that you don't want to be seated anywhere near him and make sure you have your back to him.
Support your mum too.

Have a good time and ignore your dad.

With any luck he will not go.

Mrsjayy · 07/01/2015 20:13

Lots of divorced parents step parents and children manage to go to weddings and be civil for the bride I know it will be difficult but I do think you should go for your sisters sake it isn't her fault you don't speak to your dad

quietbatperson · 07/01/2015 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

9Bluedolphins · 07/01/2015 20:36

Hello - plenty of people think the OP is NBU. I think she should weigh up how awful she will find it, against the probably tiny positive difference it might make to the sister, and stay away. This worship of weddings - most important day of life etc - is way over the top. The OP would probably spend weeks dreading the wedding. Just silly to attend.