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AIBU?

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Original poster

In not being all humble and respectful and all that.(abortion related)

600 replies

IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 16:09

I have had the contraceptive injection twice now obviously I had it done on time and followed all instructions given to me I also usually use condoms I have 3 occasions where condom use has not been optimum all in the same weekend.

I have recently to my horror discovered that I am pregnant, POAS because I feel like crap and it felt like HG not expecting it to be the case but these things happen. Due to the amount of children I have one being tiny the nature of the relationship with my sexual partner and a quite serious history of HG and SPD(all but 1 previous pregnancy) I have booked in to have a TOP on Tuesday.

I'm quite comfortable with my decision and in general tend to be quite matter of fact about things.

My closest friend has gone very weird on me I declined an invitation for Tuesday from her and disclosed why. Ever since she has been upset because I'm not being sad enough she feels I'm being flippant about human life and not respectful.

I'm not entirely sure what she means by this and she has tried to be sympathetic not that it is needed but has mentioned this on a few occasions.

So am I meant to be sad and stuff or is it acceptable to feel positive towards the decision?

OP posts:
gincamparidryvermouth · 04/01/2015 17:40

My step daughter lost her baby at 27 weeks and was obviously devastated and its something she will never get over. I would say that having an abortion is not something that anyone can take lightly and be matter of fact about.

I'm very sorry for your DSD's loss. I've had two abortions and I feel nothing but overwhelming relief and gratitude.

Enormouse · 04/01/2015 17:40

Can't believe I'm posting, but here goes.
I'm booked in for an abortion in 2 weeks time. I have to travel to do it as I'm in NI.

I have run the full gamut of emotions from sadness, guilt, anger at myself. But I'm now resigned to my decision and know it's the right one for me and my family. I feel relieved knowing the procedures booked and I feel guilty for being relieved. I have not name changed because I stand by my decision and have the right to make it.

I wish you the best idont Flowers. I know it's a decision you can't have made lightly.

TheCowThatLaughs · 04/01/2015 17:40

I woke up smiling because of a combination of being glad to no longer be pregnant and relief at having survived the GA.

PhaedraIsMyName · 04/01/2015 17:41

I suspect I might not have told her. At the very early stages, for me, it is just a cluster of cells which can spontaneously abort anyway.

I'll get flamed for this but , if I'm being honest I find it a bit odd when people talk about miscarrying a couple of weeks' after a missed period. To me that is a late period. I fully appreciate it many will not feel that way but there are different ways of viewing things.

I've never had an abortion but I'm sure that I would have had the time and place for a pregnancy not been right.

NancyRaygun · 04/01/2015 17:42

But Chipping it seems you can't so easily accept feelings the other way ie positive feelings and reactions to abortion. My point is that 'pro choice' means supporting an individual's decision about her pregnancy, it doesn't include caveats about an appropriate amount of grief or any opinion whatsoever on how a woman should feel about it. Anyway, you may have a point about OPs friend being concerned about her. It's just it sounds very very judgemental to even hint at an opinion on how another woman should think or feel about her own termination.

PhaedraIsMyName · 04/01/2015 17:43

Enormouse I hope all goes well. It is a scandal and a disgrace that within the UK there isn't consistency in our law.

Original poster
IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 17:43

moo I have never had one before. I'm quite old and thought the method I chose was pretty much foolproof. The condoms were only an add on for STI reasons because I am in a casual none committed relationship we have only been dating for about 7/8 months having sex for 4/5 months. And I have no idea who else he may be intimate with and so far its not my business

OP posts:
radiobedhead · 04/01/2015 17:45

As someone who has had an abortion and a miscarriage I can confirm the two are not alike.

Abortion - didn't want to have a child then with that person. It was sweet relief. Good decision. Don't regret it.

Miscarriage - really wanted a child with my husband. Sad. Very sad. Depressed. Grieved.

I'm afraid I don't have much respect for anti-choicers and I too would be disappointed if a friend behaved like your friend op. If she continued after I'd explained why the handwringing etc weren't necessary then I think I'd struggle to continue the friendship.

There needs to be less handwringing all round I think.

MooMaid · 04/01/2015 17:47

Huh IDon't I wasn't questioning you, I'm agreeing with you!

ToomanyChristmasPresents · 04/01/2015 17:53

I support you completely OP. Your body, your choice. Your reasons are rational, responsible and completely your own business. Why shouldn't you be at peace them?
Hopefully your friend will get over it. If not, perhaps your values are too different to remain friends. She sounds judgemental and overbearing to me.

radiobedhead · 04/01/2015 17:53

'Not a decision to be taken lightly.' What does that even mean. Why shouldn't it be a simple decision? Don't want to be pregnant anymore = have an abortion.

In fact let's make it simpler and stop patronising women. You want the pill? Have both of them. Do they still make people go back for the second one? Who wants to go to a clinic twice?

Make it easier and simpler .

Enormouse · 04/01/2015 17:54

Thank you phaedra.
It disgusts me that ni women are British citizens and taxpayers yet they can't have an nhs abortion in the uk.

There was a lovely NI/Irish based poster here, who had to continue a pregnancy where her child had a condition that was incompatible with life. I think of her often and hope she is doing well Flowers

radiobedhead · 04/01/2015 17:55

I believe NI MPs can vote on our abortion laws but we can't vote on theirs.

It's an utter disgrace.

LeoandBoosmum · 04/01/2015 17:56

I know that I could not have an abortion myself whatever the circumstances. I think I'd rather go through with a pregnancy and put a child up for adoption than abort so I can understand how your friend feels tbh. However much I disagree with abortion though, or how much your friend disagrees, you have made your choice. Perhaps you shouldn't have told her.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/01/2015 17:59

If you are opposed to, or judgmental about other women having abortions, you are a misogynistic moron, end of story. Neither you nor anyone else has rights of ownership over someone else's uterus.
And I support a woman's right to abortion on request right up until the moment of birth, as well.
Because women are people, not foetus-containers, and foetuses are not people until they are born.
(This is not to denigrate the grief felt by a woman who loses a wanted pregnancy, of course: the key factor for any pregnancy, and the only opinion about the outcome of that pregnancy, which matters is the opinion of the pregnant woman)

HouseBaelish · 04/01/2015 17:59

'Not a decision to be taken lightly.' What does that even mean. Why shouldn't it be a simple decision? Don't want to be pregnant anymore = have an abortion

YES.

I've been throught the full gamut of fertility related stuff. One child, secondary infertility, four years TTC, m/c. My circumstances have changed and I separated from my husband and I'm now in a sexual relationship. We use contraception. If anything went wrong I can say right now it would be the easiest decision ever to go for an abortion.

I hope all goes well OP. I'm glad you've reached your decision with such positivity

motherinferior · 04/01/2015 18:04

Enormouse, best of luck.

I found I was pregnant 14 years ago and at that point understood far more than I ever had before just why I needed the right to terminate. I could see my life taking off irrevocably in a direction I didn't want. It was horrifying and my body was taking over. And I was 37, in a (new) relationship, had always wanted children and had been deliberately careless about contraception.

I went ahead with the pregnancy. But I realised how much, in previous scenarios, I would have terminated and terminated with huge relief. And, yes, woken up smiling at the fact my life and body were my own again.

WannaBe · 04/01/2015 18:08

I hope we never become a society that is blasay about terminations. That doesn't mean that I think women shouldn't have the choice to terminate their pregnancies, however I think that we should think twice before considering potential life as disposable.

IMO termination has become as much of an option as contraception - and is almost seen as a get-out iyswim. It is far better to try to prevent pregnancy than to terminate one IMO, and the statistics of women who have had more than one termination are Shock

All that being said, it is clear that the op had taken precautions and still found herself pregnant, and not wanting to be in the same situation as in her last pregnancy she is choosing to terminate that pregnancy. That is her right and her choice.

Op it sounds though as if your friend is carrying a lot of her own guilt surrounding her own termination hence why she has reacted negatively to yours. I admit that i find it hard to understand how anyone can terminate a pregnancy and just carry on as if nothing has happened and feel nothing but happy and relieved, and I imagine that someone who has had a termination with a sense of sadness and loss is wondering how anyone else could go through what she has gone through and not be sad about it. In a lot of ways she is projecting her own feelings on to your situation. It may not be right for you but it is understandable that she might feel that way, and everyone is entitled to their own feelings, and not everyone can keep those feelings to themselves, even if they wanted to, such is human nature. :-)

mytartanscarf · 04/01/2015 18:13

I have never used contraception that cost £750.

IF someone is sooooo irresponsible that they can't even use contraception and have had (gasp!) more than one abortion - well they should go ahead with the pregnancy shouldn't they? That'll teach 'em.

TheCowThatLaughs · 04/01/2015 18:14

I support a woman's right to be blasé about terminating her pregnancy, if that's how she feels
I personally think it's quite dangerous territory to start dictating the appropriate response to an unwanted pregnancy or abortion.
I imagine many women have what would be considered to be "mitigating" circumstances for wanting a termination, but all that should be important is whether she wishes to continue with the pregnancy or not!

radiobedhead · 04/01/2015 18:17

'IMO termination has become as much of an option as contraception.'

Well unfortunately you are entitled to your own stupid opinions but you're not entitled to your own facts.

There is no evidence that women use abortion as contraception.

itsbloodyfreezing · 04/01/2015 18:19

Solid, you support termination of pregnancy up to 40 weeks? Sorry but that is not only moronic, it is disgusting. That is a fully formed human being you support the murder of. Perhaps you might not be so flippant if you were to visit the SCIBU I work in where there are tiny babies fighting for their lives - actually I suspect you would, as you sound so awful. I am pro choice and support the OP but your views are as dangerous and polarised as those of the anti choicers outside abortion clinics and every bit as sickening.

Original poster
IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 18:19

In fact let's make it simpler and stop patronising women. You want the pill? Have both of them. Do they still make people go back for the second one? Who wants to go to a clinic twice?

Yes they do,sometimes you have to go 3 times I was due to go on Monday for a consult then Tuesday for stage one then Thursday for the second part of the treatment.

Apparently I am lucky because I get so ill so quickly and travelling can especially be an issue for me I can have the consult and treatment start on the same day.

This is all of course if I scan at under 9 weeks if I scan I over then its surgical and will involve waiting for another appointment all whilst I get sicker and sicker with little to no support at home.

I am already at the throwing up blood stage and having anti sickness tablets and injections.

I will be travelling to the next county as mine does not offer these services and the appointment I have was the first available to me when I phoned on the day I found out. I could not get a quicker appointment further afield than the almost 2 hours I am already traveling

OP posts:
pommedeterre · 04/01/2015 18:20

She wants you to justify your decision in a way that makes it palatable for her.

It doesn't need to be palatable for her. She's not a good friend to be doing this.

SlaggyIsland · 04/01/2015 18:21

I haven't had an abortion. I've never become pregnant.
I've spoken about my choice to be child-free on other thread. This means that, should I accidentally become pregnant, I will immediately take steps to terminate the pregnancy.
I will not agonise over the decision, in fact it won't be a decision. I will feel no guilt and nothing but relief.
OP best of luck with it.