Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not being all humble and respectful and all that.(abortion related)

600 replies

IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 16:09

I have had the contraceptive injection twice now obviously I had it done on time and followed all instructions given to me I also usually use condoms I have 3 occasions where condom use has not been optimum all in the same weekend.

I have recently to my horror discovered that I am pregnant, POAS because I feel like crap and it felt like HG not expecting it to be the case but these things happen. Due to the amount of children I have one being tiny the nature of the relationship with my sexual partner and a quite serious history of HG and SPD(all but 1 previous pregnancy) I have booked in to have a TOP on Tuesday.

I'm quite comfortable with my decision and in general tend to be quite matter of fact about things.

My closest friend has gone very weird on me I declined an invitation for Tuesday from her and disclosed why. Ever since she has been upset because I'm not being sad enough she feels I'm being flippant about human life and not respectful.

I'm not entirely sure what she means by this and she has tried to be sympathetic not that it is needed but has mentioned this on a few occasions.

So am I meant to be sad and stuff or is it acceptable to feel positive towards the decision?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 04/01/2015 17:12

Killing your child? Do me a favour. What century is this?

NancyRaygun · 04/01/2015 17:13

Is your friend always "me me me"? This is about you and she should take her cues from you. Her opinion should not enter into it at all IMO. I find it interesting that people are OK with abortion but only if the roman grieves a little but, not too much but a completely subjective arbitrary amount. We don't get to control other peoples behaviour and feelings, only our own. It's wrong to make conditions of how we think people should act or behave. I felt nothing but euphoric relief after my TOP. I had done the right thing snd have never regretted it. I wasn't happy that it had happened because I am neither a masochist nor insane. But I was happy happy happy the pregnancy was over. Chipping you don't sound pro choice, you sound like someone who would apply strict conditions and very uncomfortable with the unfortunate truth: abortion isn't tidy and neat and easily packaged into "sad and regrettable" sometimes it's a bloody relief and sometimes it's a nuisance. A contraceptive failure and a nuisance.

NancyRaygun · 04/01/2015 17:13

Roman? WOMAN

GallicShrug · 04/01/2015 17:14

She's not really entitled to her feelings as to how I should feel

No, she is not! I'm pleased for you that you know what's right for you, Idont, and heartily wish everyone was free & able to feel as certain :) Hope it goes perfectly.

Some other posters might like to consider that, when I were your age and there weren't any of them mobile telephones, the decision to keep a genetically compromised pregnancy was regarded in a similar way. It wasn't socially OK to go "No worries, it'll be harder work but we're up for this baby!" You were expected to weep, wail, agonise and generally act like a martyr. If you did enough of that, friends would be supportive (at least to your face.)

I's really not fine to treat anyone else's feelings about their own pregnancy as if it were yours - whether you're anti choice, anti single parenthood, or anti disability - because it's not your body, your mind or your life. It's horribly disrespectful!

basgetti · 04/01/2015 17:15

The most horrifying thing on this thread for me, Annunziata, is that even having read that the OP's last pregnancy left her critically ill you still want her to feel sufficiently sad and guilty, and as though she is 'killing her child.' FWIW I have just gone through an awful HG pregnancy and if I became pregnant again I would terminate without hesitation and probably wake up smiling that it was all over too.

Original poster
IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 17:16

Can we be a little nicer to annunziata her posts have been a useful insight that may help me not lose what has been a valuable friendship.

I'm struggling to keep up with the speed of the posts and I do have a stuff to do at the same time as being on here but I am still about and haven't run away or anything

OP posts:
Fuckmath · 04/01/2015 17:16

YANBU and your friend is being out of order.

I had an abortion which I reluctantly decided was the best thing to do in my circumstances, but felt devastated about. People told me to be more matter of fact and get over it! If you feel comfortable with your decision and are not upset, why should you have to act like you are. It's not anyone's place to police people's feelings about their own personal life and medical procedure. We are all different and there is a huge range of normal with regards to emotion about abortion. Anyone telling how you should be feeling needs to just do one. Your emotions are your own.

Best of luck on Tuesday.

80schild · 04/01/2015 17:16

I think OP that everyone has a different way of dealing with things, and she would feel sad - when I had an abortion 10 years ago it was the right decision at the time and I did not regret it. I didn't discuss my decision with any of my friends (in fact none of them knew I was pregnant).

However, when I subsequently had 2 children I started to feel weird about it and that was when I chose to confide in someone who I respected and was part of my community, although she was not a close friend.

It is wrong that women can't talk about it together without it being so emotional. I think attitudes would change so much if people talked more openly about their experiences without feeling they were being judged. If I had felt I could have confided in one of my friends maybe the outcome would have been different. I will never know!

mytartanscarf · 04/01/2015 17:18

No we cannot be nicer to a woman who accuses us of infanticide Hmm idiot.

Bulbasaur · 04/01/2015 17:18

Annunziata A tumor has living cells in it. Should we stop removing those? Hmm

It's not as simple as a cluster of cells is alive. A fetus is in a bit of a special category, because while it has potential to be something greater. But it is not a baby yet, and until that baby is born it is living inside of another human being who is viable and has rights to their own body autonomy.

Moreover, not every woman feels attachment to a fetus. I remember hearing about how hearing the heart beat for the first time was a magical moment. I was sorely disappointed when I felt nothing and saw only a blob on the ultrasound screen. It was not a "baby" to me. I would not have been upset if I had a miscarriage or abortion at that point. I didn't feel anything towards my daughter until she was born. Until then it was sort of a fake it till you make it for the sake of social pleasantries.

MooMaid · 04/01/2015 17:18

If you are not sad then there is no need to manufacture a feeling for someone elses benefit - you do what is best for you in your circumstances.

Your friend shouldn't dictate how you should feel but equally you can't dictate that she does feel like this way, it's just one of those things where people disagree and feel strongly.

Good luck with your decision, if it feels right to you then go for it. Don't mope around for her benefit but perhaps take a step back and let her figure it out in her own head. You don't owe her anything. Best of luck

SantanaLopez · 04/01/2015 17:20

I was taken aback by 'waking up smiling' too. I really wouldn't know what to say to someone who felt like that and I probably would put my foot in my mouth trying to say the right thing.

notagainffffffffs · 04/01/2015 17:21

Op I dont really think its about you at all. You never know whether she has regretted an abortion in the past or is ttc and struggling. Pregnancy is an incredibly emotive subject in general and I think you have accidentally hit a nerve.
I think tbh I would react the same way as her- I regretted the one I had at 18 terribly, had an mc few years later and thought it was a 'punishment'. Also from a Catholic family so it is a complex situation to say the least.
Give her a bit of breathing space and do what you have to do.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2015 17:22

No, Nancy, you are wrong, I am totally pro choice. I see nothing wrong with also finding the choice/necessity of it, for whatever reason, regrettable. I also see nothing wrong with saying that I find it odd that women can do it with absolutely no sense of regret that it has happened.

Anyway, Idont, I wish you well for Tuesday. Have a think about what I said, she might not be judging, she might just be worried that you are indeed ok about it, take care Flowers

Original poster
IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 17:23

Nothing wrong with my comprehension thanks Jessy. Nor am I making things up or a judgemental prick thanks SukieTuesday

You did say I was flippant about contraception and that I should have used the MAP. My understanding is that the contraception I used that has no window for my human error is meant to be one of the most effective available. I also understand that if I had have even attempted to obtain the MAP that it would not have been prescribed and would have been considered over kill and bad practise to dispense the second the injection was disclosed.

OP posts:
Original poster
IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 17:26

Add message | Report | Message poster mytartanscarf Sun 04-Jan-15 17:18:10
No we cannot be nicer to a woman who accuses us of infanticide idiot.

In all fairness I hadn't got to that bit yet

OP posts:
gincamparidryvermouth · 04/01/2015 17:27

This attitude is quite common IME. It's like they're tacitly offering you a deal: you're allowed the right to bodily integrity, but only if you admit to them that exercising it has fucked your life up forever. It's cos women are life-givers or some shit like that I think? So casting out a nascent life from your burgeoning womb is meant to be really harrowing. You've got to be sombre and quiet when you talk about it and you're meant to carry a "secret sorrow" with you forever more now. You're doing abortion wrong, OP.

MrsDeVere · 04/01/2015 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuggestmeaUsername · 04/01/2015 17:31

My step daughter lost her baby at 27 weeks and was obviously devastated and its something she will never get over. I would say that having an abortion is not something that anyone can take lightly and be matter of fact about.

Trills · 04/01/2015 17:32

Anyone mentioning the morning after pill in this situation either

A - has not read the OP (not even just not read the whole thread, but not even read the OP properly)

or

B - has no idea how contraception works

MooMaid · 04/01/2015 17:32

Because it's not "what is expected" according to some people MrsDeVere we all have to conform to what is expected, didn't you know!

Original poster
IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 17:34

Op I dont really think its about you at all. You never know whether she has regretted an abortion in the past or is ttc and struggling. Pregnancy is an incredibly emotive subject in general and I think you have accidentally hit a nerve

She has had a previous TOP that she states was the best decision she has ever made due to the circumstances (DV) when she had hers it involved travel to the uk and funding requirements. My only response to her was how can I support you and I did. She is also not in a sexual relationship so no possibility of ttc.

She professes to be very pro choice and has not questioned the choice at all she has made it very clear she thinks I would be irresponsible and crazy to make any other decision it is just my feelings about the matter that she's uncomfortable about.

OP posts:
Trills · 04/01/2015 17:35

I agree with Catilin Moran:

I’m not being flippant when I say it took me longer to decide what worktops to have in the kitchen than whether I was prepared to spend the rest of my life being responsible for a further human being

I haven't thought about what kind of worktops I want, I don't know the pros and cons of the different options. I don't know what I want here.

I have thought about having a(nother) child. I do know the pros and cons of the different options. I do know what I want here.

MooMaid · 04/01/2015 17:37

I don't think abortion should be taken lightly but sometimes I guess people just know what is right for them - and that's their choice. And I say that as someone who is currently pregnant. If however you're having an abortion on a regular basis then perhaps you're doing something wrong and need to take a look at what's going on. Then it may be a little blasé

MC must be an awful awful thing that I hope I never go through but I don't see that it's comparable. That pregnancy was wanted, in the OP's case it isn't and she took steps to try ensure she didn't get pregnant so as to avoid this situation in the first place

Catzeyess · 04/01/2015 17:39

I agree with pp her reaction is probably more about her stuff than judging/being nasty to you.

It's a very emotive subject and for all you know she might have had an abortion which she found upsetting/has fertility issues that she hasn't disclosed. Or just get emotional about stuff like this.

Avoiding you for a few days might be her way of preserving the friendship because she know she isn't in a place where she can be fully supportive yet.

I was exactly the same when my friend announced her engagement (I was feeling horrible about a breakup) and I just needed a few weeks to sort my head out so I could be appropriatly excited for her.