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Original poster

In not being all humble and respectful and all that.(abortion related)

600 replies

IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 16:09

I have had the contraceptive injection twice now obviously I had it done on time and followed all instructions given to me I also usually use condoms I have 3 occasions where condom use has not been optimum all in the same weekend.

I have recently to my horror discovered that I am pregnant, POAS because I feel like crap and it felt like HG not expecting it to be the case but these things happen. Due to the amount of children I have one being tiny the nature of the relationship with my sexual partner and a quite serious history of HG and SPD(all but 1 previous pregnancy) I have booked in to have a TOP on Tuesday.

I'm quite comfortable with my decision and in general tend to be quite matter of fact about things.

My closest friend has gone very weird on me I declined an invitation for Tuesday from her and disclosed why. Ever since she has been upset because I'm not being sad enough she feels I'm being flippant about human life and not respectful.

I'm not entirely sure what she means by this and she has tried to be sympathetic not that it is needed but has mentioned this on a few occasions.

So am I meant to be sad and stuff or is it acceptable to feel positive towards the decision?

OP posts:
SukieTuesday · 04/01/2015 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fanfeckintastic · 04/01/2015 16:38

I had to travel to the UK for an abortion two and half years ago, I met another woman in the clinic who was getting the same flight home so we travelled together and while waiting for hours in the airport she was very upset, wanted to keep talking about it etc which is absolutely understandable. I, on the other hand felt nothing but relief (and sadness/anger that I had to leave my own country to have a termination) if I had been on my own I would have pottered around, had a look at the duty free shops, tried out some perfumes etc. Some may find that weird or strange but I think it just shows the certainty I felt in my decision.

BertieBotts · 04/01/2015 16:39

I would really struggle to support the OP. I would do my total best as her friend, but it's not something that I would be able to be matter of fact about.

If you find yourself in this position I think it would be most respectful to try and bow out and say "I'm struggling with this, is there someone else who can support you, because I love you and I want the best for you and I don't want us to fall out."

MorrisZapp · 04/01/2015 16:39

I couldn't be friends with somebody like that. I'm not sure I would ever see her in the same light again.

Things like this can suddenly show up unknown chasms of belief between otherwise close people. Believe it or not, the Scottish referendum had a similar effect in my life.

I've had a termination in the past but my friends are supportive as I have been when they've been through similar.

SukieTuesday · 04/01/2015 16:40

Spot on Bertie.

PacificDogwood · 04/01/2015 16:41

You are judging her for how she is feeling just as much as she is judging you.

My take on termination is fiercely pro-choice and my answer to anybody who does not 'approve' of women's rights to chose over what happens to their body is 'you don't like termination, don't have one'.

But I do think you are ingenious towards your friend.
Terminating a pregnancy or not is one of those situations in which there is no possible compromise.

ApocalypseThen · 04/01/2015 16:41

It's not that easy, is it though?

Yes and no. It's not easy to accept that your feelings aren't an accurate or relevant guide to any aspect of another person's life, but once you do accept that, it is easy to butt out and let others live as they see fit without your permission.

Annunziata · 04/01/2015 16:42

It might be perfectly legal but it is still very emotional for some people. You can think how you want, but you are being very unreasonable to think that you can tell someone that and they will be totally okay with that.

PacificDogwood · 04/01/2015 16:42

Bertie, I agree - the OP and her friend need to agree to disagree or fall out over this.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 04/01/2015 16:43

Of course the friend has a right to her own feelings but she doesn't have the right to tell of her feelings to the OP. She should keep them to herself and if she doesn't feel able to support the OP then she needs to back off which she could do by being too busy to see the OP.

Chipping the OP has been using the contraceptive injection so I assume the use of condoms is more for the std side of things. Maybe she felt she was covered by the CI wrt pregnancy when the condoms failed/she didn't use them.

TheCowThatLaughs · 04/01/2015 16:44

mytartanscarf I didn't tell anyone for years because I was made to feel by exp like I had done something very shameful and unusual. When I spoke to other women I was amazed to find that it was a fairly common experience and not something that I needed to carry around with me like a horrible deep dark burden Smile
But I never regret it or thought I had done the wrong thing. I was smiling when I came round from the anaesthetic!

HermioneWeasley · 04/01/2015 16:45

Of course you can feel positive - you are a responsible adult making what you think is best choice for you and your family.

Your friend can feel any way she wants to about your decision, but telling you that she doesn't think you are feeling or behaving according to the script she believes in is bollocks.

And you're not ending "a life". What anti choice nonsense.

SantanaLopez · 04/01/2015 16:47

If you find yourself in this position I think it would be most respectful to try and bow out and say "I'm struggling with this, is there someone else who can support you, because I love you and I want the best for you and I don't want us to fall out."

I would worry that someone would misjudge that too though, and say, as the OP has done, that I would be sympathetic but judging/ interfering.

It's not easy to accept that your feelings aren't an accurate or relevant guide to any aspect of another person's life, but once you do accept that, it is easy to butt out and let others live as they see fit without your permission.

If someone has told me that they are having an abortion, they are making my feelings accurate and relevant to them. It's not easy to put emotions around pregnancy tidily away in a box.

Original poster
IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 16:47

You can disclose that sort of information to who ever you deem fit, but personally I wouldn't be casually making an off the cuff remark about an abortion for the same reason I wouldn't be making an off the cuff remark about the condom breaking. My sex life, and birth control failure particularly, isn't really anyone else's business

She the only person I've spoken to in real life that is not employed by the BPAS,I'm not sure why I spoke to her about it other than she's my closest friend and we talk about all sorts. Sometimes its helpful to talk to very close friends about things you wouldn't talk to others about I wasn't casual it happened during a casual conversation that rapidly turned serious.

I know you didn't ask this but someone else has asked why this thread if I'm comfortable with the decision. I guess for the same reason that 90% of other threads happen to get stuff off your chest and get others opinions

OP posts:
SukieTuesday · 04/01/2015 16:48

I hope it all goes smoothly for you OP.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2015 16:48

Tartan. I'm glad you felt relieved. I think that's by far the best outcome when someone has made that decision & had a termination. I really feel for women who do it and regret it.

However, you said 'I wish it hadn't happened', which to me shows a level of respect for what you have done and not just a shrugging of shoulders and a 'So what' type attitude.

flimmyflam. Abortion is premissed on the idea that the foetus in early stages is not a person but just a growth that could potentially become a person, so if you agree with abortion (as I do) you must think that there is nothing to mourn apart from what might have been. I don't get how you can both support abortion and also feel that there is a death to feel sad about.

I agree that very early on it's 'just a cluster of cells', but that CoC is the start of a baby and I can both be upset at the loss of that potential whilst supporting a woman's right to have a termination. Thankfully where most of us live, this is a right and I wouldn't have it any other way, but I still think that it's regrettable for it to be a decision made without any sort of sadness or regret that it happened.

JassyRadlett · 04/01/2015 16:48

Chipping, you may want to check your reading comprehension before reaching for those judgey pants. They're not fitting quite right for some reason - oh, it's that the formulaic nonsense you've spouted has absolutely zero basis in the OP.

OP, your friend sounds like someone who, no matter what you'd said to her, would have found fault with any decision that wasn't 'I will continue this pregnancy despite the detriment to me, my life and my family'.

MorrisZapp · 04/01/2015 16:50

When I had a termination there were four of us having the same thing (medical termination). We watched Richard and Judy, ate tea and biccies, and chatted together as we awaited the expected outcome.

Nice girls, we enjoyed each others company. The abortion narrative suggests we should all have been sobbing and running out at the last minute etc but statistics suggest that most women who have a termination
do so without negative consequences for their mental health.

Annunziata · 04/01/2015 16:50

Of course it is ending a life.

Would you tell a woman who had miscarried that her baby wasn't alive? No. So don't lie about this. There is a child at the middle of this.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2015 16:50

X posted with loads. I will go back and read them, tartan's was the last one when I started typing my reply.

MrsDeVere · 04/01/2015 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 04/01/2015 16:51

If someone has told me that they are having an abortion, they are making my feelings accurate and relevant to them

No they aren't. They're telling you something about their own life. Your feelings may exist and can be what you like, but they just aren't a relevant decision making guide for other people.

SukieTuesday · 04/01/2015 16:52

Go light a candle Annunziata

Original poster
IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 16:53

But I do think you are ingenious towards your friend

I may very well be, talking it through with you lot will hopefully assist me with not being so.

I love my friend dearly and do not wish to get cross with her. Unfortunately now she knows she can't unknow

OP posts:
Blackout234 · 04/01/2015 16:54

I am firmly pro choice, MY choice will always be to not have an abortion (Unless for a medical reason however thats a different story), However i will respect any other womans choice to have an abortion as that is her right morally and by law. There is no way to "Act" For an abortion. If you're sad, you're sad. If you're ok,you're ok, if you're happy then you're happy and if you're angry then well, you're angry! and thats ok! Jeez. Seriously where does anyone get off (I'm looking at you chipping) on telling people they're blase with contraception and conception.

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