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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not allow 18 year old DD boyfriend to stay over

233 replies

TAG30 · 04/01/2015 13:02

My daughter got her first proper boyfriend a few months ago. She is almost 19 and he is a couple of years older. She has been very honest with me about everything and prior to this boyf, she had not been sexually active but she recently booked herself an appointment at the DRs to get the contraceptive implant.
She was constantly getting cabs home from his house at 3am as i didnt want her staying over but this seemed silly on my part as she was almost staying there anyway. Therefore, she has been staying over at his house a lot recently - to the point where i never see her now.
Am i being unreasonable to not want her boyf to stay over here? My DH is absolutely against it as he would feel uncomfortable knowing they were in bed together in the room above us and to be honest, so am i. Its just that now, shes never home and spends all her time there with his family. Is this just a case of needing to let go or would you allow them to stay over?

OP posts:
windchime · 04/01/2015 13:04

YANBU. Your home, your rules.

EatShitDerek · 04/01/2015 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VegasIsBest · 04/01/2015 13:07

I would allow the boyfriend to stay if they are in an established relationship. Can't see the problem to be honest. She's a grown up not your baby girl any more

Nomama · 04/01/2015 13:08

Nope! Not at all U.

If you don't want him to stay he doesn't stay. No one should feel uncomfortable in their own home and your DD can always move out on a permanent basis if she wants to .

Let go.

ClashCityRocker · 04/01/2015 13:08

I think you are being a little u. Could he stay over in the guest room or on the sofa?

At what point will it be acceptable for him to stay over?

EatShitDerek · 04/01/2015 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 04/01/2015 13:08

As it's your house you can please yourselves. Just why would you feel so uncomfortable?

However if you want to see very little of her you're going the right way about it.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 04/01/2015 13:08

could you let him stay but put them in separate rooms/him sleep on the sofa? Obviously it is your house and your rules but I do think you risk pushing her away, they are bound to want to stay at the house where they can be together especially in the early days of infatuation! A bit of compromise might be needed or you will never see her.

ClashCityRocker · 04/01/2015 13:09

And also, of course it is your house and your rules, but she can vote with her feet, which it seems she is choosing to do.

TestNamePleaseIgnore · 04/01/2015 13:09

Yabu

Cupoteap · 04/01/2015 13:12

Having been your dd, I would say you can't have it both ways. I would let them stay at yours, my experience was that my parents mused out on seeing the absive relationship I was in as they wouldn't allow him to stay

HearMyRoar · 04/01/2015 13:12

You are within your rights to say you don't want him in your house. Your house your rules and all that.

However, if you go down that route then you can't really get upset if she chooses to spend her time somewhere else. I think you have to except that she is 18 and entitled to want to sleep with her bf and spend the night with him. So it sort of depends what is more important to you, having your daughter at home or not having her bf stay over.

LadyLuck10 · 04/01/2015 13:12

Yanbu, you shouldn't not feel you have to bend the rules if you are against it. Yes she's an adult, then she can go out And find her own place. You could always compromise with him staying over on the couch/ guest room if you have.

titchy · 04/01/2015 13:12

I'm sure they wouldn't particularly relish the thought of you hearing them have sex either!

Is he nice? Respectful to her and you?

If so I think I'd be the pragmatist here, particularly as she's 18 and technically as adult, and let him stay over once or twice a week.

It would be a shame if she effectively left home without ever had a relationship with you where she was on more equal footing and treated more as an adult.

Time to start snipping away at those apron strings - and persuading your dh that it's ok! I'm guessing once she's married or living with her life partner he'd be ok at her sharing her bed when at yours?

ashmts · 04/01/2015 13:12

I think YABabitU. My parents were exactly the same, got my first boyfriend at 18 and although he was allowed to stay (he lived 200 miles away) had to sleep on the couch. They kept this up for years until we moved into together. Then when I had to move home for a bit they got me a double bed and relaxed. We're still together (I'm 24).

I can understand it making you uncomfortable but she's 18. I had to move out because my parents were treating me the same as when I was 14/15. If you learn to treat her as another adult living in your home you won't push her away as much.

SurlyCue · 04/01/2015 13:13

What is it that makes you uncomfortable? I would hazard a guess that your DD isnt too keen on the idea of you and her dad having sex while she's in the next room. However i would also guess that you and DH are considerate of the rest of the family and take care not to be obvious when having sex. As such i would expect your daughter to follow the same line of behaviour. She sounds pretty mature and responsible. Is there any reason why you think she wouldnt be discreet and respect the rest of the family?You are all adults, she is allowed to enjoy a sexual relationship and IMO as long as she is safe and respectful just like you are then no problem.

pebblepots · 04/01/2015 13:13

I'd personally allow them to stay at yours, would you really prefer to not see much of her? I think you both need to adjust to the idea that she is now an adult. So yabu

ilovesooty · 04/01/2015 13:15

If you offer the couch /spare room don't be surprised if she declines. She may feel that if you can't acknowledge their relationship as adults she'd rather not spend time under your roof and that's a valid choice too.

IHeartChristmasMoomies · 04/01/2015 13:16

YANBU to feel a bit uncomfortable, but TBH I think you should suck it up and let him stay. They are both adults, you know they are having sex (you seem to have a fairly open relationship) it seems daft to barely see her when this is only because you don't want him to stay over!

My parents were happy for my boyfriend to stay over when I was 18, it was so much nicer than always having to go to his. They actually forged a relationship with him.

I think you should speak to your OH and daughter and let him stay.

Tiptops · 04/01/2015 13:17

YANBU. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable in your own home.

However, don't be surprised if you rarely see her during the infatuation/ honeymoon stage. As unhealthy as it is, couples often want to be together constantly then.

ApocalypseThen · 04/01/2015 13:19

I personally wouldn't have it after only a few months. Needs to be a proper, committed, long term relationship before there's any of that craic under my roof. I'm not having a succession of boyfriends staying over like that. This is a family home, not a few bedsits with a common front door.

Plus, what you do for one you will have to do for the others. How do you feel about revolving lovers sharing your home for the foreseeable future?

Molotov · 04/01/2015 13:19

I met my now DH when I was 17yo. I fell utterly and completely in love with him and wanted to spend every second with him (in a way that only teenage girls can Blush Grin ).

I know how uncomfortable my parents were about him staying over. We were together for about 6m before he was allowed to stay (he used to have to leave our house at 10:30pm before that, then we'd speak on the phone from 11:30-2am. Usually about nothing; we'd both put the same film on and chatter Smile ). He was not allowed to sleep in my room - he had to sleep on a single bed in the spare room.

Have some sensitivity to your (adult) daughter's feelings. Show her some trust and it will be rewarded. If you push them away, you just won't see her for a while. It depends on what you are most comfortable with.

Tiptops · 04/01/2015 13:19

Also, at 18 I was staying out with my boyfriend whether my parents liked it or not. I certainly wouldn't have been travelling home at 3am because my Mum wanted me to.

MarjorieMelon · 04/01/2015 13:22

I would let him stay in the spare room/sofa. When they have been together 6 months I would let him stay in her room. I'm not sure what the significance of 6 months is - it just seems reasonable to me.

My aunt had two sons, son number 1 was never allowed to have his girlfriend in his room, even when they got engaged she was very prudish and it caused lots of arguments.

With son number 2 she wanted to be more liberal so he was allowed anyone over and took the piss and would have women who were one night stands staying over. Personally I felt as did my uncle that this was disrespectful to the rest of the family and my younger cousin would stay in her room as she didn't like seeing another stranger at the breakfast table.

SirChenjin · 04/01/2015 13:27

YANBU - your house, your rules etc. Just because your DC has decided to have sex doesn't mean you need to facilitate it.

She's obviously going to his house as a result, so if you're happy with that arrangement then just stick to your guns and say no.