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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not allow 18 year old DD boyfriend to stay over

233 replies

TAG30 · 04/01/2015 13:02

My daughter got her first proper boyfriend a few months ago. She is almost 19 and he is a couple of years older. She has been very honest with me about everything and prior to this boyf, she had not been sexually active but she recently booked herself an appointment at the DRs to get the contraceptive implant.
She was constantly getting cabs home from his house at 3am as i didnt want her staying over but this seemed silly on my part as she was almost staying there anyway. Therefore, she has been staying over at his house a lot recently - to the point where i never see her now.
Am i being unreasonable to not want her boyf to stay over here? My DH is absolutely against it as he would feel uncomfortable knowing they were in bed together in the room above us and to be honest, so am i. Its just that now, shes never home and spends all her time there with his family. Is this just a case of needing to let go or would you allow them to stay over?

OP posts:
jellybeans · 04/01/2015 18:15

YANBU my 18 YO DD is not allowed her bf to stay. Long list of reasons but mainly she shares a room with DD and there are 3 others small children about. Also bf has serious issues which we can't risk.

My own parents let my bfs stay about age 16/17 but I had my own room and they were all OK.

SurlyCue · 04/01/2015 18:15

OP i think you sound like a great parent TBH.

iwantgin · 04/01/2015 18:18

I have a 17 yo DS. He won't be having his gf sleepng over on a regular basis.

It's not even just about the sex. It's more a case of - if you want to be an adult, then move out and be an adult in your own home, and pay for two people.

PeoniesforMissAnnersley · 04/01/2015 18:20

I think YABU.

I was allowed boys (or girls,although I didn't take this up and ruined my mum's PC dream by being straight Grin ) to stay over as soon as I was sixteen, my mum had given me (and any friends who were in the vicinity) several chats on contraception, making sure to have sex when we were ready and not being pressured into it etc.

My first boyfriend wasn't allowed to have me in any room of the house except the "good" living room where we could sit as it had a glass door Confused we never DTD, not because of that but because I realised I didn't fancy him!

Second boyfriend (now DH) stayed over in my house from 16, his parents were initially less keen but I ended up moving in to their house when I was 18 and living there in the university holidays until we moved permenantly to the mainland at 21ish.

I think if it's about sex, it is silly to think that not letting them stay is achieving anything, if it's about not feeling comfortable in front of him and worrying home won't feel like home, then YANBU, just give it time and get to know him better.

Molotov · 04/01/2015 18:22

TAG, you sound like loving, responsible parents - and you're doing the right thing by your DD who sounds like a loved, responsible young lady.

Establishing ground rules are the right thing to do. You cannot guarantee that they will abide by them (e.g. 'no sex') because even though they will probably respect you and those rules ... they're almost 18yo and 19yo and if they're going to have sex, you will not be able to stop them.

If your DD is sorting out contraception, that's great. Another of my ground rules wouls be that he must use a condom. I wouldn't care what hormonal contraception my DD was on - I would instil and insist upon the use of condoms.

Original poster
TAG30 · 04/01/2015 18:22

He's a nice boy so I don't have issues there. She has her own room albeit very unsound proof as it's a loft room with just stairs and no door. Our youngest dd has her own room on our level.
Thanks surlycue - I just wish I had some guidelines or some set of standards that lists, year by year, what the best thing to do is.

OP posts:
Roussette · 04/01/2015 18:24

I don't think anyone really knows what they will do until their DCs reach that sort of age. Mine have and I surprised myself that I didn't actually mind a boyfriend staying as long as the relationship had been going on a while and appeared to be ongoing - I was not going to get into a revolving door situation.

However, I did tell DD1 when I was presented with this situation for the first time ..."do not think, that if you and JoeBloggs break up and you meet someone else that the next one can stay. If I don't particularly like him, if it's too soon, if ANYTHING that I can't even articulate to you that I don't want this, that is it. End of. My decision." (in other words, yes I am OK with this boyfriend staying over but that might not apply to any other boyfriend.)

Molotov · 04/01/2015 18:29

And I understand what iwantgin is saying now that I am 32yo and have a family and responsibilities of my own.

But I had a asshole of an aunt who, after I'd been with my now DH for about 2y said exactly the same thing ... and moving out amd being financially responsible wouldn't have stopped us falling in love. It might have forced me to grow up quicker; made me miserable and feel turned away by my beloved parents.

I suppose I'm saying that you don't always have to be hard about things. You've said, TAG, that this lad is okay.

Gentleness and understanding go a long way.

SurlyCue · 04/01/2015 18:29

I just wish I had some guidelines or some set of standards that lists, year by year, what the best thing to do is.

Well if you find it can you tell me where you got it? Grin i dont know a parent alive who knows what theyre doing every step of the way or doesnt agonise over making the right decision. I used to be very angry with my parents. Since becoming a parent myself that has miraculously changed Grin

vienna1981 · 04/01/2015 18:32

What a ridiculous situation. It just sounds like rules for the sake of rules with a degree of power-tripping thrown in for good measure. Two adults in a new, but so far stable relationship, who quite reasonably would like to share a bed. And one of the parents objects because...

The key word here is "adult". Show some trust and respect and you will receive in kind. Would OP have the same bonkers attitude towards a couple in their thirties ?

Sorry to be sanctimonious but this is just silly. However, all too common, I fear.

VictorineMeurent · 04/01/2015 18:33

YABU, Once my sons were 16 girlfriends were allowed to stay over, provided they were 16 too. At 18 your DD is an adult.

a2011x · 04/01/2015 18:36

It's about you and your husbands feelings but being completely honest I would possibly expect her to already be having sex with him. Sorry but it's very likely. Having been your daughter i would say try to treat her like the adult she is, I am now a mother and understand my mothers actions but I was having sex years before I asked if he could stay and it made no difference when she said no except we did it elsewhere and I disliked my mother a lot for having no trust in me and treating me like a child. I moved out at 18 because I hated my mothers rules and unfortunately it had to be that way for me. I would NEVER of had sex in the house with my parents there but that's just me, do what you think is right for your daughter , you know her better than any of us

TheLovelyBoots · 04/01/2015 18:38

Threads like this make me feel as though I'm living in a parallel universe. I wasn't allowed to have anyone share my childhood bed until I was married, and this is the way it will be in our house. If they go the modern/unmarried route then I'll have to take that as it comes.

Molotov · 04/01/2015 18:46

I think that relationships (especially those first ones in your youth) are best navigated with your parent's full support.

Original poster
TAG30 · 04/01/2015 18:50

I know they're having sex she's told me. I've told her to use c

OP posts:
Original poster
TAG30 · 04/01/2015 18:56

Went to early!!
I've told her to use condoms too. When she had the implant put in, she had all the other tests done too and they are both all clear. He was her first but she wasn't his.
I think having someone else in our family life is the weird bit. I don't care about sex before marriage as long as it's a long term relationship. I just don't want to hear it going on. As many have pointed out, she is going to be as conscious of this as we are so it should be ok.
It's been a steep learning curve that I needed some guidance on and I'm truly grateful for your opinions. Thanks again xx

OP posts:
Roussette · 04/01/2015 18:56

Hmmm, I just think times have changed LovelyBoots. I know I know they haven't changed for you but they have for me. I would never have dreampt of having a boyfriend stay in my childhood bed (as you put it) as my parents were strict and authoritarian. That's why I left home just as I reached 17. I didn't want that for my DC's. We have a strong close relationship. I trust them and I wanted to treat them as the wonderful adults they were becoming.

They haven't taken advantage of my decision. In fact, completely the opposite. There hasn't been a string of boyfriends/girlfriends staying. Just out of interest lovelyboots ... if you had an engaged DC, would you allow it then?

I have friends who felt like you do. Their DC's are now 25 and 28, one of whom is living with a partner and the other has a steady bf. They have changed their minds and now the DC's partners can stay in their rooms if they want because as my friend says "it just seems a bit silly to be so rigid. Last time I heard DD's bf creeping down the corridor". Her DD's bf is 30, good career, own house etc, and if you can't trust a 30 year old man who is seriously courting a daughter and has been for years, there is something very wrong with your trust in a child.

Original poster
TAG30 · 04/01/2015 18:57

Molotov - agreed. It's just difficult knowing the boundaries

OP posts:
unclerory · 04/01/2015 19:00

YABU, she's an adult. I wasn't allowed boyfriends to stay until DH and I were living together at 28. It was ridiculous, I was living away from home (and had been since I went to Uni at 18) so most of the year my parents had no input into my sex life but when I came to visit them suddenly I wasn't allowed to share my bed, despite only taking home serious boyfriends. They were very judgmental about me having sex before marriage and it was meaningless really since the other 50 weeks of the year I could do what I wanted in my own house. My younger DB on the other hand would have different girls appearing at the breakfast table and that was fine Hmm.

Greywackejones · 04/01/2015 19:03

Tbh based on your ops I can't see what other hoops you want your dd to jump. She's been responsible, she's included you, she's introduced you, it's been several months, she's (by what you say) trustworthy and he's ok at least.

I mean unless you want her wed at 19 precisely what more can the poor girl do?

If it's just you don't want to hear her orgasm, do what my mates dad did at the breakfast table one day. Just say it's hard knowing she has a better sex life than you do. Believe me, she will never ever be remotely noisy again. Even at 40....!

TheLovelyBoots · 04/01/2015 19:03

Just out of interest lovelyboots ... if you had an engaged DC, would you allow it then?

Sure.

My rationale is that my children will I don't want to know about it sleep with many women before they marry, and I simply don't want to be involved in that. I think it's merely a mark of respect for your parents that they are spared this unplesantry.

greenfolder · 04/01/2015 19:03

I have 2 teenage daughters. One in a relationship for 2 years. Bf not allowed to sleep over whilst we are there. We live in a snug house with another younger dc. It does mean we see less of them but that works too!

mrspremise · 04/01/2015 19:06

Just besure that you'll stick to you guns for ALL siblings. My DM would never allow me to share a bed with my (now) DH until after we were married, and we thoroughly respected that; her house, her rules! However, she later changed her rules (apparently based on strong beliefs and principles Hmm ) to allow my DB's girlfriend to sleep with him in his bed EVEN BEFORE THEY WERE ENGAGED. It has really affected the amount of respect I feel for her, unfortunately.

Greywackejones · 04/01/2015 19:08

Unpleasantry?! Seriously, you're doing it wrong!

But there's something in the way that put. Something where you view the girls as slutty but sons not...

Greywackejones · 04/01/2015 19:09

Ah echoing Mrs premise RL experiences it seems...!