AIBU to not allow 18 year old DD boyfriend to stay over

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My daughter got her first proper boyfriend a few months ago. She is almost 19 and he is a couple of years older. She has been very honest with me about everything and prior to this boyf, she had not been sexually active but she recently booked herself an appointment at the DRs to get the contraceptive implant.
She was constantly getting cabs home from his house at 3am as i didnt want her staying over but this seemed silly on my part as she was almost staying there anyway. Therefore, she has been staying over at his house a lot recently - to the point where i never see her now.
Am i being unreasonable to not want her boyf to stay over here? My DH is absolutely against it as he would feel uncomfortable knowing they were in bed together in the room above us and to be honest, so am i. Its just that now, shes never home and spends all her time there with his family. Is this just a case of needing to let go or would you allow them to stay over?

Your house, your rules, of course. i presume you and your o/h haven't been disturbing her with your 'noises'...groans/creaking bed/loose headboard etc. over the years? I'm thinking no, may be wrong, tho...do you really really think they'll be any different? If yes...why? You know they're intimate but you stick at 'not in your house' ???

Tell me, if they decide to make their forever life together but decide against marriage, what then?

Think it all through, op...

My parents did this to me at 18, it was one of the reasons I moved out. I think it's a bit pathetic, when my dd is an adult, if she has a boyfriend of several months then he'll be welcome to stay over, assuming he's respectful of her and the rest of the family.

Pushing her out won't stop her having a relationship with him, they'll just meet and stay elsewhere.

Just because your DC has decided to have sex doesn't mean you need to facilitate it.

I find this an odd statement. It sounds like you are saying their is something wrong with her having sex? That kind of statement is more along the lines of what i'd expect if someone discovered their child was taking drugs. "Their choice but you dont have to facilitate it"

Good for you carrierpenguin.

It is possible that, unlike your parents, you will be one of those homes that contains adult children forever.

Maybe this is one of the ways we grow up! Want to act like an adult? Then live like one!

I personally wouldn't have it after only a few months. Needs to be a proper, committed, long term relationship before there's any of that craic under my roof. I'm not having a succession of boyfriends staying over like that. This is a family home, not a few bedsits with a common front door.

^^This.

So when my DC moved in with their partner for a year and then they both came to live here when they were waiting for a house purchase to go through it was absolutely fine.

I didn't want revolving doors either. Even if there was months in between

Sex is one (completely normal) aspect of an adult relationship. I assume the boyfriend is welcome in your house at other times, to eat to watch movies with her to talk to you all. Saying he cant stay over is like saying you accept all aspects of their relationship except that one. Which implies there is something wrong with that one aspect. When in actual fact the only problem is your own squeamishness about it. Which is ridiculous when you think about it. I hate that we are so prudish and illogical about sex.

Is it even about sex?

I don't think I would have fancied doing the deed with mum and dad sat down below or in the next room.

OP, it's your house, you can do what you want, but you will have to accept that if she wants to spend time with her boyfriend, you are going to lose out.

She is an adult in a serious relationship, it is her home as well as yours.
I'd think very carefully before you say no to this as it seems perfectly reasonable to me.
I have a 19 year old DS and his long term GF stays over here, in his room now and then. They are discreet. Wouldn't we all be in our parents' house?

She's an adult. You can't stop her staying at his if she wants.

Obviously at your house you can stop him staying over, but like PP have said, it might mean you see a lot less of her.

As others have said, your house, your rules. It is slightly odd that you and your husband can't cope with the idea of your adult daughter having sex though. The problem is yours, not hers; do you both have normal attitudes to sex and sexuality? Why so repressed? You know, Jungian psychotherapist would suggest that it's the result of repressed sexual jealousy to your daughter! Haha! Just saying.

Also, I do find all of this "you're facilitating her to have sex" talk a bit odd. She's nearly 19, not 12!

And again, like others have said... Would you want to have sex with your parents in the next room? I bloody wouldn't.

OP, give your daughter a bit of credit. Given that she's gone to the docs and got the implant, it sounds like she is taking herself and this relationship seriously. She sounds a lot more sensible than she could be!

I'm surprised how many people think the OP is unreasonable, and wonder how many of you have adult children? I say this because I think I have changed my mind since having them!

It is all too easy for your house to indeed become a series of beds its with a common front door, and with a queue for the bathroom to boot.

I did allow one of my daughters to have a regular boyfriend over at this stage, but it wasn't always ideal, and longer term I came to regret it.

Not unreasonable. I wouldn't like it.

I'm torn here. I agree yes your DD is an adult. However it is still your house and if that makes you uncomfortable then there is nothing wrong with that.

For the record I wasn't allowed to share a bed with a b/f at my parents until I was 25 (yep !!!) and even then my Dad was dead against it.

Before then it was sleeping on sofa. Their house , their rules.

My sister however who is a lot younger than me got it far easier!!!

As it happens now, me and DP stay all the time at my parents as they live 2 hours away and we never have sex in their house. It just feels disrespectful and uncomfortable. And we love sex! But we both feel the same about this. DP even wears his boxers in bed "in case there is a fire" I kid you not. I'm 38 btw!!

My advice is maybe say yes, only on sofa but be prepared for her to say no.
Maybe wait until they are further established then say yes.

Or perhaps explain ok yes, but that you feel uncomfortable with any sexual activity under your roof and you'd rather they refrained from it whilst staying at yours.

You are still entitled to your opinion and there is nothing wrong with that. Yes she may ignore you, but like me, she may also feel a bit uncomfortable.

She is an adult so perhaps have an adult conversation with her and if she gets funny then remind her she's now an adult and if wants to be treated like one then sometimes you have difficult discussions

Thing is though, Greenrememberedhills, it doesn't have to be an all or nothing situation, surely? There'd be nothing wrong with saying he could stay over, but maybe a couple of nights a week tops.

Posted too soon.

I would add that once you start it becomes quite difficult to say no down the line, and we ended up with three years of a regular partner practically living at our house, especially at weekends. Personally I found the presumption wearing eventually.

I wouldn't do it again, and in addition if you had more than one child close together it could theoretically lead to a number of extras needing to be catered for.

We allow our 18 year old to have his girlfriend staying over. He's an adult; I don't see the problem.

Your house your rules but this is exactly what happens and I think unless you want to change your rules you can't expect them to spend time at yours rather than his.

Me and my DH met when we were young, he was a couple of years older and had his own place an hour away. My parents wanted him to sleep on the sofa and he did for a while but things slowly progress as parents get more comfortable with the situation. During this time I spent quite a lot of my time at his since of course you would.

After a while things changed and we both had college timetables so DH was pretty much living with my parents since he had courses a few months days a week and so did I in the city I lived in it made sense for him to stay and he stayed in my room. So we spent a lot more time with my parents during that period and It became all quite normal but once we moved onto university I was spending most of my time living at his and then eventually we moved in together to a different apartment that suited work. We didn't marry for many years after this, so if you're waiting for marriage to accept it might be a while!

I suppose what I'm saying is things are temporary, as you get to know the guy I'm sure your views will change but keeping an open mind and you may feel ok about it one day without needing to have a big conversation about it.

we ended up with three years of a regular partner practically living at our house, especially at weekends

I may be an antisocial old moan bag, but I don't think I could stand that level of encroachment on my home. I need my space too!

My DF had the same rule and I had the exact same situation that you have put your DD in and stayed at my DP' house as a result.

My relationship with my DF broke down because we rarely saw each other and because of that I hardly ever see them now since having children.

She is an adult, she is thinking about contraception, she has been legally allowed to have sex for 2 years but hasn't until she found herself a stable relationship. I don't understand parents who cannot handle the thought of their adult children having sex, it's a natural part of a relationship. I assume that you and your DH have had sex whilst your children have been in the home and I don't understand the difference.

You can find it 'odd' all you like to talk about facilitating avocado - but it's about what the OP wants in her house, and if she doesn't wish for her house to be used in that way then it's not odd or even wrong - it's different.

YABU. Very much so. All it does is tell your daughter she isn't accepted as an adult and can't confide in you. You should be no more uncomfortable about your adult daughter having sex in her own room than you are about having sex in yours.

When I was 19 a friend asked her parents if her boyfriend of 2 weeks could stay over. 4 years down the line and he's still there (never spent a night apart).

I think her parents put up with it because they knew if they banned him she would just go to his instead. But thats extreme in my opinion because 2 weeks is not an established relationship.

I'd trial it with jim staying over.

If you really don't want to then you just have to accept you won't see her a lot, but maybe ask that you get to spend time with her one night a week or something.

Adults have their own place and pay their own bills.

Also there are a number of different issues. One is sex. For us that wasn't the key issue.

Another is privacy and space etc. there is a world of difference between being the kind of family who welcomes guests and friends-both planned and ad hoc- and a family who have in practice ended up with an unplanned non paying lodger.

A further issue we had at one point is that if our teenage daughter and her brother fell out, as sometimes happens, then at one point there was always someone in the house to take her side, and it got bloody wearing.