AIBU to not allow 18 year old DD boyfriend to stay over

[TAG30]

My daughter got her first proper boyfriend a few months ago. She is almost 19 and he is a couple of years older. She has been very honest with me about everything and prior to this boyf, she had not been sexually active but she recently booked herself an appointment at the DRs to get the contraceptive implant.
She was constantly getting cabs home from his house at 3am as i didnt want her staying over but this seemed silly on my part as she was almost staying there anyway. Therefore, she has been staying over at his house a lot recently - to the point where i never see her now.
Am i being unreasonable to not want her boyf to stay over here? My DH is absolutely against it as he would feel uncomfortable knowing they were in bed together in the room above us and to be honest, so am i. Its just that now, shes never home and spends all her time there with his family. Is this just a case of needing to let go or would you allow them to stay over?

Once they're 18 they are your adult children. Our rules are both over 18 and that they have been together for 6 months. Worked with older dds and they respected our rules.

I can completely understand how it's hard to accept that your DD has grown up and made a decision to have sex - and to want to protect her - but she is an adult now and this is her choice. You aren't going to stop it from happening by banning them from the house, but you are likely to make them do something more stupid, like having sex in the back of a car where things are considerably less private! Ensuring that she can have sex safely in an environment where she feels comfortable is actually a good thing. I think you and your DH just need to get used to the (big) shift that has happened, rather than trying to hide from it.

Also, I don't think this is just about the sex. It sounds like you and your daughter have a wonderful, trusting relationship. I think it's great that she can talk to you about this stuff, and very, very healthy. I would be very careful about doing anything to jeopardise that, and I think keeping up some kind of pretence that this 'wasn't really happening' by excluding them from the house would do that.

i've slept with three people since I was 14, the first being my DP of two years who I am still with now.
I completely respect myeslf. I respect my body and so does he. infact he worships it. I do too - I modify my body does that mean I don't respect it. my mum still sees me as a child therefore hardly sees me and DP! she says "she doesn't like it" well I don't like my DP not being able to come to my house! he's the guy i love for christ sake and my mother can't see that, therefore doesn't see me.
Mum and dad still open my post (so when I have 'naughties' delivered, they have to go to DPs because at least peopler espect each other in that house!!)
They scream and shout at each other. in DPs house, there's no shouting.
My sister fucks me off because she's an absolute idiot 16 year old borderline alcoholic.
i love my family and DP loves them too - DP lives miles away so whats the point? he can't afford bus fares (we're both too poor to drive) so my family don't see us. its' sad but whatever. they can live with it. it winds me up. it makes me extremely angry and resentful that because i'm my mums pfb that means i will never be an adult in her eyes. I get no respect at home. No privacy. just walk into my room whenever you feel like it,g o on brush your teeth while i'm on the toilet! yeah thats fine, oo to the toilet while I'm in the shower!!!!
i think there'sa deeper seated reason why I want DP to hurry up and be ready to move out!!!
and i'm sorta glad he doesn't need to be a part of my dysfuntional relatives.

this is a completely different thread. haha!

I am not sure that trying to point out any problems parents see in a relationship, if they were able to see any as a result of being around the couple more, would necessarily be seen as welcome feedback on the part of an 18 year old, Writerwannabe. Some 18 year olds are very invested in their relationships.

I agree that it's not healthy to be staying over 24/7 at each other's houses. I'd try to encourage limit it to a few times a week and I'd always try to convey the message that it's not good to give up other relationships.But these messages need to be conveyed by conversations rather than rigid rule making.

I met my DH when I was 17, he was 21. He wasn't allowed to stay over at my mums when I was 18 even though she knew I was staying his house. At the same time my brother was having his girlfriend to stay and she was younger than me. It has made things awkward since then. I felt that we were "second best". I know it was just my mum being protective but I think if you set the rules down and if you have more than one, ensure that the same rule applies to both, then it's equal and fair.
Hope you can figure something out x

Whatever parents do they must do to all dc. I was furious that I wasn't allowed my long term boyfriend over when I was 18- not till 25- but my brothers was allowed to bring girls home at the same age. Most of which they only met that night which was more double standard because my parents subscribed to the idea that if I did one nighter it was disgusting!

They claimed 'its different for girls'. Still pisses me off now.

I just wouldn't want another adult in my house all the time. It's not a flat share. Nothing to do with sex. It would just annoy me.