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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not allow 18 year old DD boyfriend to stay over

233 replies

TAG30 · 04/01/2015 13:02

My daughter got her first proper boyfriend a few months ago. She is almost 19 and he is a couple of years older. She has been very honest with me about everything and prior to this boyf, she had not been sexually active but she recently booked herself an appointment at the DRs to get the contraceptive implant.
She was constantly getting cabs home from his house at 3am as i didnt want her staying over but this seemed silly on my part as she was almost staying there anyway. Therefore, she has been staying over at his house a lot recently - to the point where i never see her now.
Am i being unreasonable to not want her boyf to stay over here? My DH is absolutely against it as he would feel uncomfortable knowing they were in bed together in the room above us and to be honest, so am i. Its just that now, shes never home and spends all her time there with his family. Is this just a case of needing to let go or would you allow them to stay over?

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 04/01/2015 15:08

Sorry if i've missed it but does she pay rent? i think if so then that changes it slightly.

When i was 21 i had paid rent for 3 years and been with the same bf since 16 and he still wasn't allowed to stay over. i was rarely home and mum and dad constantly told me how much they missed me but dad wouldn't budge. I thought it very unfair i was paying the same as friends who had rooms in shared houses but still couldn't have my boyfriend over. (one day dad called me at boyfriends house and said 'why don't you come home, it can't be very nice for you sleeping on bf's sofa every night' - he genuinely believed that!). It meant i went home twice a month from the age of 17 and moved out officially at 21 when i thought 'why the fuck am i paying rent for this?'

ExH and i weren't allowed to stay at either parents house till we were 25 - 2 years after we had moved in together. It meant we rarely stayed or visited. when we were 25 we said we wouldn't be going to pils at xmas unless they let us stay. we had 3 months of shouty/crying phone calls . They wouldn't let their 16yo ds visit his brother, even for the day, in case he saw our bedroom on his way to the loo (they also banned him from watching neiighbours as they thought it too adult )

Anyway, these are quite extreme examples of parents refusing to accept dc growing up. But i thought i'd share.

Personally if she isn't paying rent then yanbu. i wouldn't allow it in your position and i would accept seeing a lot less of my dc as a consequence (just like my parents did with me)

SunshineAndShadows · 04/01/2015 15:08

But aren't you then encouraging her to encroach on his family life? If it is a serious relationship and you want to build a relationship with him too and thus see her more then you need to question why sleeping over us such an issue. The fact is they are having sex. Just like you are.

If you want to her to feel welcome in her home then you need to think about exactly why you have a problem with it and what you can do

GreenShadow · 04/01/2015 15:09

In many ways I could probably be described as a bit old fashioned and conservative (small 'c') but in our family DS1 did have his GF staying over from about that age or even a bit younger. It started with groups of friends staying including the GF, and they'd be sleeping together in his bed albeit with other friends sleeping on the floor in the same room. Gradually, without discussion, it just sort of evolved into just the two of them sometimes. It was probably not the right way to go about it, but it's been OK.
We are lucky that we have quite a big house with a weird arrangement of bedrooms so they were not disturbing/intruding on other family members and I do think, if this had not been the case, we might have dealt with it differently.

But as others have said, they are adults and if they are going to sleep together anyway, then I'd rather they were happy doing it here than trying the back of cars or where ever. As OP has experienced in reverse, it does mean he is happy to be at home more than might otherwise be the case and we get to know GF better.

middlings · 04/01/2015 15:09

YANBU - I agree with those who say your house your rules, and while sex is a normal part of an adult relationship, it's no harm to set some boundaries as your DD is just barely an adult.

Also, the contraceptive implant is great - well done her - but are they also both going to the GUM clinic for a full screen? If the use of the implant means she isn't planning on using condoms, then that's foolish. When DH and I got together, and not using condoms came up after a while, I insisted on us both having full sexual health screens. Given that neither of us were spring chickens (although neither of us has a particularly colourful past) I'm surprised by how many people seem to be embarrassed or think I was odd!

SirChenjin · 04/01/2015 15:11

Presumably his family have decided that they are happy for the DD to stay over and do not see it as an encroachment on their family life.

The OP does not "need" to do anything, just as the BFs family do not "need" to do anything - other than decide what suits them and their family.

MrsKoala · 04/01/2015 15:18

Also, even if you do persuade your DH to 'allow' it. No doubt he wont be over the moon and they will know that and feel weird. They may continue to stay at his because it has never been an issue so feel more comfortable there. Ime that's what usually happens - one has is more easy going so it becomes the default place to stay.

RumbelowSale · 04/01/2015 16:15

my son regularly brought his friends home from uni. I frequently met them for the first time the morning after. Sometimes I met them more than once, sometimes not. Years later,I've had an email/letter..,"remember me?" With an update on their lives.

The only time I can remember cracking hard down on him was after hearing him talking to an ex on the phone"....."boring".....""booooring" in a switched off way.

I went fucking wild. Told him to treat an ex with the respect he treated her with when he was trying to get inside her pants.

Dunno what else I said, in full flow, but he always remembered that. And always acted accordingly afterwards, and now that he's a dad, tho his daughter is still at the pre-teen dating stage, he says the same to her. Success!

PeaStalks · 04/01/2015 16:30

We had to be up and dressed at reasonable hour, by 9 am I think. Absolutely no swanning around downstairs in pyjamas and dressing gowns.
Love this.

Purplepoodle · 04/01/2015 16:35

My parents and my the bf parents were like this - together from 17. Even when we had been together a couple of years it was still a no. Fair enough. But we sued to dtd anyway in bedroom before he/i went home so pretty pointless imo

2015 · 04/01/2015 16:46

YANBU..and I say that as someone who happily lets my DCs partners sleep with them in the house from about age 17'ish. Its never been an issue as they have always been long term relationships and the 'partners' have always been nice.

I've always told my DC that it's not a given that we would welcome their partners staying over. I wouldn't like it if it was someone I didnt know. Ultimately, it's my DHs and my house and we don't want to feel uncomfortable. Any 'uncomfortableness' would come about from not wanting to meet a virtual stranger while I wonder around in my jammies and from a feeling that I couldn't quite relax when there was a 'stranger' in my home. Iyswim.
I've also always told my DC that both me and my DH have to feel comfortable with any partners and either of us can veto 'sleep overs' if we want.

I can not relate to posters who feel uncomfortable about someone having sex with their child. I find that a bit odd to be concerned with anyone else's sex life even if it is my own child.

Bulbasaur · 04/01/2015 16:54

My parents did the whole "You can't sleep in the same room until you're married bit" with me and DH if we wanted to spend the night. We simply never spent the night. Even after we were married we were not keen on staying over for a while because we were still resentful about it.

So while it is your house, your rules. Infantalizing your daughter and continuing to treat her like a child will do no good for your relationship with her. She is voting with her feet, so if you want to be part of her life as an adult, you might want to start treating her like one.

Easterchuck · 04/01/2015 17:05

I feel comfortable with my teens having GFs staying. I'd not be happy with a selection of unknown faces but in a committed relationship I want their friends to feel welcome.
But I object to DS lending his GF my best shower gel

adora1985 · 04/01/2015 17:06

YANBU, but you do have to accept that you probably won't see much of your dd if you stick to your decision.
I started dating my DH at 19, having been with my previous bf for 3 years, from the age of 16. My mum really didn't like my previous bf, so wouldn't let him stay over. I respected that decision, and never pushed the issue, but to be honest I didn't like him very much for a lot of our relationship, so was never overly fussed.
However when I started dating my DH it was very different. He met all my family when we were just friends, so everyone knew him, and he was very respectful to me and my mum. She instantly liked him as his attitude was very different to previous bf. We spent all our time together, and I stayed over at his house a lot. My DH used to spend a lot of time at our house also and would then go home very late at night, and then one day my mum asked if he'd like to stay over. He moved in permanently not long after. We've now been together 10 years and married for over half of that time and own our own house.
I did ask her why she let him stay over, and she said it was because he was respectful, considerate, and she could tell that we both loved each other, so if she didn't let him stay then we'd have stayed at his instead and she wouldn't have seen me anymore. This wasn't something she wanted to happen, so took the decision to let us live together there. FWIW, we both paid board, pulled our weight around the house, and followed house rules. Once it got to a point where we wanted more privacy we both moved out together.
My point being, you are within your rights to not have the bf stay over if it makes you uncomfortable, but you have to accept that that decision will have the consequence of your dd staying with her bf instead, and you won't see her much any more. Only you know which scenario has the worst consequence for you.

RumbelowSale · 04/01/2015 17:20

Well said bulbasaur

My buttoned-up Bil wouldn't allow his daughter and her fiancée to share a bed "under his roof" until they were married . Despite the fact that they'd been living together during the uni years, had bought a house together in the city they both moved to where they both lived. Nope!

So who was the sex obsessed one there, then?

everlong · 04/01/2015 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsfarquhar · 04/01/2015 17:31

Peas - tis great isn't it! Think mum was concerned I'd be lazing around in a negligee and post sex glow and he'd be in his calvins when her friends came round for coffee. To be fair she also worked from home alot and had clients coming around. This was the long break between A levels and uni. We didn't have any such rules when BF wasn't there.

PointlessResolutions · 04/01/2015 17:32

It's your house, your rules, of course, OP. But having read what you have read here and having widened your perspective, I think you need a serious talk with your DH so that he understands the choice he has to make: Either he sees considerably less of his DD because she will choose to spend the night with her DP, or he accepts her adult relationship, which she is entitled to have and which she is handling very sensibly. His choice, his potential regrets.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 04/01/2015 17:32

I think YABU, particularly as she is 18 and an adult. Yes, they may have sex, but she's an adult and allowed to. Just buy yourself some earplugs.

MarjorieMelon · 04/01/2015 17:32

I've just remembered that I used to work with a woman who wasn't allowed to sleep with her partner when she went home for Christmas, they always made up a bed for him in the spare room. They got married when she was about 28 and her parents continued making up a bed for her husband in a different room. She was too embarrassed to broach it with them so they just went along with it

SirChenjin · 04/01/2015 17:39

Infantalizing your daughter and continuing to treat her like a child will do no good for your relationship with her

It's not infantalizing your adult children to say that you don't want BF/GFs staying over, and

It's ridiculous to say that it will do your relationship no good - unless of course you know the OP and her DD, and you know that they have a poor relationship? I would be horrified if I thought that my relationship with my teens (which is very good) was dictated to by whether or not I allowed them to have BF/GFs over - I would hope that I have raised young adults who respect the fact that there are house rules and whilst they can ask, DH and I might say no. I had a very good, close relationship with my mum - it was based on far more than whether or not she allowed me to have BFs to sleep over (she didn't btw).

And I'm speaking as someone who actually has no problem with sleepovers/sex under our roof/etc - but can fully respect the fact that other families have different rules.

DownstairsMixUp · 04/01/2015 17:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

supermariossister · 04/01/2015 17:50

she's an adult in an adult relationship I see no reason he shouldnt be able to stay over or that he should stay in another room you will have to accept that she is an adult and deal with that or accept that she will choose to stay at his home or possibly move out.

Writerwannabe83 · 04/01/2015 17:59

When I lived my mom I was never allowed boyfriends stay over.

I moved in with my dad when I had just turned 20 (to go to Uni) and he had no problem at all about me having my boyfriends sleep over. We talked about it and I told him I would be respectful and wouldn't "do anything" (yes I used those actual words) and we reached that agreement.

I lived with my dad for about 6 years and there were four boyfriends over that time who regularly stayed overnight and I kept to my end of the deal. To be honest, even if me and my dad hadn't come to the arrangement there's absolute no way I would have wanted to have sex with my dad in the room next door anyway! God no!

SolidGoldBrass · 04/01/2015 18:10

Given the housing crisis and the increasing numbers of people having no option but to live with their parents into their 20s and even 30s, I can see this becoming a bigger problem soon. Do you uptight 'not-in-my-house' types really think you're going to be entitled to police the sex life of a 25-year-old?

Original poster

TAG30 · 04/01/2015 18:11

We do have a very good relationship it's just lately I've realised that she is spending all of her time there and I don't want it to be the beginning of the end. She doesn't pay rent as she's on an apprenticeship and gets paid pittance, but I don't think it's a money thing. I've had it out with DH this evening and he has agreed to it. I'll have a chat and lay some ground rules down but I suspect she'll know it's not as easy as it is at his house and still might not stay but what else can I do.
Why is it so hard to be a good parent!!!

OP posts:

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