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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not allow 18 year old DD boyfriend to stay over

233 replies

TAG30 · 04/01/2015 13:02

My daughter got her first proper boyfriend a few months ago. She is almost 19 and he is a couple of years older. She has been very honest with me about everything and prior to this boyf, she had not been sexually active but she recently booked herself an appointment at the DRs to get the contraceptive implant.
She was constantly getting cabs home from his house at 3am as i didnt want her staying over but this seemed silly on my part as she was almost staying there anyway. Therefore, she has been staying over at his house a lot recently - to the point where i never see her now.
Am i being unreasonable to not want her boyf to stay over here? My DH is absolutely against it as he would feel uncomfortable knowing they were in bed together in the room above us and to be honest, so am i. Its just that now, shes never home and spends all her time there with his family. Is this just a case of needing to let go or would you allow them to stay over?

OP posts:
lady412 · 04/01/2015 14:21

I don't understand why you wont let him sleep over. It's not like she's still underage +she stays at his till 3am...i'm sure nothing different will happen in your house to his.

Just ask them to keep the noise down and remind them it's your house so they've to be reapectable such as no being all over each other when the room is full.
It's time to let go....she's an adult.

My mum let my bf move in when i was 18...rules where: dont be loud and if other ppl complained or knew what we was doing behind closed doors he was out.

usualsuspect333 · 04/01/2015 14:22

I never had a problem with my 18 year olds having their BF/GF staying over.

usualsuspect333 · 04/01/2015 14:24

It was also their home.

I never did the mY house my rules bollocks though.

mrsfarquhar · 04/01/2015 14:26

My parents let me have my boyfriend of the time stayover once we'd been together 6 months and they'd got to know him. But there were rules.

He could stay over 3 nights a week max. We had to be up and dressed at reasonable hour, by 9 am I think. Absolutely no swanning around downstairs in pajamas and dressing gowns. They made it clear this was our family home not a student house. We were not to do anything which would make anyone in the family feel uncomfortable, said very firmly so we knew they were talking about noisy shags!

It worked and I plan similar rules with my own dc but then they knew I was going off to university shortly and deep down were aware these were the last days of me living at home permanently.

SurlyCue · 04/01/2015 14:27

Im amazed that people would rather their 18 year olds move out completely rather than come to terms with their own difficulty with the fact their child is growing up. Surely its far better to have them at home when they embark on their first relationships (and all aspects of that) so that you can spot signs of abuse or unhealthy behaviours and are their for advice and guidance? Why make them feel they cant speak to you about what will be quite a big part of their adult life?

Brummiegirl15 · 04/01/2015 14:30

I think Mrsfarquhar rules are spot on.

But all those posters saying the op is being unreasonable. Absolutely not, it is your home and if it makes you feel uncomfortable then so be it. That is the whole point about it being YOUR home.

But I agree you run the risk of not seeing her. Rules seems a good way to go

Nomama · 04/01/2015 14:33

Surly, we are all probably those who left home before we were 18.

I imagine we are also those who never had sex, or a boyfriend sleep over, in our parents home (when our parents were in).

We are probably also those who never wanted kids to remain at home into their 20s and 30s and would have used this as another 'carrot' to entice a late teen to move out.

Just different perspectives really!

Bowlersarm · 04/01/2015 14:33

It is also your childrens home. I agree with, usual. I'm not making my children feel like their home isn't theirs the day they turn 18, and make them uncomfortable and unhappy being here.

ApocalypseThen · 04/01/2015 14:34

Im amazed that people would rather their 18 year olds move out completely rather than come to terms with their own difficulty with the fact their child is growing up.

That wouldn't be my problem at all. My problem would be the nature of my home life changing, and that of my other children, to facilitate one child. I don't want to not know who I will see at breakfast. I'm not really keen on overnight guests as a rule. I don't want to feel like I have to dress on a Saturday. I don't want separate lives under this roof.

I think I'm entitled to not want any of that. We also don't have a tv anywhere but the sitting room, for example, because I won't have all of the family in different rooms watching different tvs. That's not family life to me.

When they are old enough and don't care to live like that, my kids are perfectly welcome to set up their lifestyle in their home as they see fit. I will express no opinion on how they run their homes.

SirChenjin · 04/01/2015 14:35

18 year olds are adults Sue - if they want to live a certain way then what's wrong with them moving out? Generations of young adults have been doing just that. As for the idea that you have to keep young adults at home so that you can make sure they are not being abused Hmm. Let them grow up, for heaven's sake.

expatinscotland · 04/01/2015 14:36

Yes, and their siblings' home, too, a small one with one loo for 5 people.

CocobearSqueeze · 04/01/2015 14:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

usualsuspect333 · 04/01/2015 14:42

I didn't expect my 18 year olds to move out as soon as they hit 18.

Your home life does change as your children hit their teens, like it or not, but it' s not all cosy sitting together in the living room.

PerpetualStudent · 04/01/2015 14:43

with the idea of not wanting to 'facilitate' 18 year olds having sex, could I play devil's advocate and ask what you would rather facilitate - them having sex in a warm safe bed in (one of) their own homes, or boffing in a bush somewhere?

I remember being 16/17, having a serious boyfriend for the first time - felt like we had invented sex and we were the world's biggest geniuses for doing so, and celebrated by doing it everywhere, all the time. I won't even tell you about the multiple venues of our intimacy, but they were varied and often semi-public. And we were allowed to sleep over each other's houses - this was just extra, you know, like when you can't face the thought of double history without an orgasm under your belt.

Either I am a filthy abomination possible or this evidences you cannot stop loved-up, sexually mature teenagers getting it on.

I'm now 5 months away from being a parent myself, but personally I hope when the time comes, I'd be able to offer my child a listening ear and safe surroundings when the appropriate* time comes, rather than start laying down the law and condemning them to sneaking around...

*I mean for giving advice, not listening in, ew!

ToAvoidConversation · 04/01/2015 14:44

YABU and I feel that you are going to push her out of your home. My parents took the same stance as you and my be, the DF and now DH didn't feel very welcome. Thankfully, his parents allowed it and we stayed there a lot. As a couple we are now much more likely to pop over, to stay the night and feel relaxed in his parents house because they made us feel welcome. I was a very similar age to your DD when we met and was the only girl to stay over with him.

usualsuspect333 · 04/01/2015 14:44

My Teens had loads of friends stay over. I admit I'm quite different to most on MN though.

I didn't count them as guests,they were just my kids mates.

Original poster
TAG30 · 04/01/2015 14:47

Deep down I agree with pretty much everything said here. I have offered the spare bed thing but she would rather stay at boyfriends as they can stay together. Thanks for all your replies it's helped me gain a wider perspective than just ours. As they've only been together a couple if months, I may wait a little bit longer and work on the DH. He's quite adamant about this but then he often is about most things!
He seems a nice boy and very respectful to her and us so there's no issue there.
I know there's no real significance in 6 months but i suppose if they are still together then, it will prove they are not just a flash in the pan.

Thanks again everyone

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 04/01/2015 14:48

I'd rather have an extra person in my home in the shape of my dses girlfriend, than one less person because my DS feels happier out of my house at her parents house.

Saki5000 · 04/01/2015 14:48

It is your house and your rules. However, your rules are unreasonable if you don't usually have any objection to sex before marriage and you just object because she your little girl though. You need to accept that she had grown up.

If he has is own house you may find that she doesn't want to stay at your house with him anyway. Why would she?

SirChenjin · 04/01/2015 14:48

I can't speak for the OP - I have no idea where she would rather her DC had sex. My parents didn't facilitate me having sex with any of my boyfriends - short, medium or long term ones - by allowing them to spend the night, but funnily enough we managed without boffing in a bush somewhere (although obviously we did when the mood took us)

The OP's DD is getting a warm bed to DTD courtesy of her BFs parents who have decided that they will allow them to spend the night at his house. The OP has decided that she won't allow it - and that's fine. Hopefully they are mature and respectful young adults who have been well brought up and who can respect the fact that people have different house rules.

Saki5000 · 04/01/2015 14:49

is

cremedecacao · 04/01/2015 14:49

I think YABU. I have been with my DH since I was 16 and he was 18. Parents let him sleep in my room from about 6 months of us being together after I explained I was going on the pill. We got engaged when I was 17. I am now 25 and we are still together. Can't imagine us not sleeping in the same bed then or now! It sounds like your DD is mature and sensible and she has clearly respected your rules so far. Your decision to not let him stay seems based only on your feelings. Until she can move out the house is not just yours, it is hers too. and she has a right to feel comfortable and relaxed in her home just as much as you do. Not letting her partner stay would surely make her (and him) feel a little awkward and uncomfortable. Don't create an issue where there doesn't need to be one. People have sex!

Lurleene · 04/01/2015 14:50

I have an 18 yo DD and her boyfriend regularly stays over, or she at his.

She has been with him since she was 16 and I didn't allow him to stay whilst they were at Sixth Form but since they are now both working FT I think it's reasonable to treat them like adults.

I presume they do have sex whilst he's here but we've certainly never been aware of it when it is happening - I should imagine having your parents and little brother either side of you is a bit of a passion killer! I really think that the staying over is more important to them to be close to one another and enjoy each others other's company rather than work through the Kama Sutra.

The only real ground rules I have about this is being mindful of the fact there is a 9 year old in the house and that we know when her boyfriend is here ( he usually leaves his shoes somewhere obvious if they come home late) as if he is here I don't wander round in my dressing gown or a towel as I would feel embarrassed in front of him.

mrsfarquhar · 04/01/2015 14:55

I think its entirely possible to create a middle ground between facing one night stands by the toaster and accommodating a long term relationship in a way which you can all live comfortably.

If the DC are at home for the long haul (ie not planning a move to uni or move out of home) I think it might more difficult to come to terms with the change in home life. I understand Apocolypses point of view and think that's why my parents' rules worked - I remember them sometimes saying BF couldn't stay on certain nights just because they wanted to lie in and have the house to themselves that weekend. I don't remember it causing a problem as we knew in general they weren't being unreasonable.

I remember actually starting to behave much more maturely under this regime and started seeing my parents as people. We had a few evenings where we played board games as couples! Then I went to uni and we split up almost immediately...young love and all that.

Original poster
TAG30 · 04/01/2015 14:58

I think the fact we have a very small house actually makes it harder. Her room is a loft room above ours and we can hear her just walking around. I think it might just be as much to do with overcrowding and encroaching on our family life that is as much to do with it. Though DH is simply that it shouldn't be allowed. I think I'll speak to her and and DH about it.
Thanks for ur comments they've really helped

OP posts: