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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not allow 18 year old DD boyfriend to stay over

233 replies

TAG30 · 04/01/2015 13:02

My daughter got her first proper boyfriend a few months ago. She is almost 19 and he is a couple of years older. She has been very honest with me about everything and prior to this boyf, she had not been sexually active but she recently booked herself an appointment at the DRs to get the contraceptive implant.
She was constantly getting cabs home from his house at 3am as i didnt want her staying over but this seemed silly on my part as she was almost staying there anyway. Therefore, she has been staying over at his house a lot recently - to the point where i never see her now.
Am i being unreasonable to not want her boyf to stay over here? My DH is absolutely against it as he would feel uncomfortable knowing they were in bed together in the room above us and to be honest, so am i. Its just that now, shes never home and spends all her time there with his family. Is this just a case of needing to let go or would you allow them to stay over?

OP posts:

Roussette · 04/01/2015 19:17

LovelyBoots you are making out sex to be ugly and something to be ashamed of. Really not the way to be. Is it something to be done behind the bikesheds or in the graveyard and let's not talk about it?! You obvioiusly have sons - what the heck do you think of these girls they do all this unpleasantry with...

CalicoBlue · 04/01/2015 19:18

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but as you say you will see less of your DD.

My son is 17 and his gf is 16. I am happy for them to share his bed. Her mother is ok with it.

Things are different now. Though my mother let my df to stay over once I was 17.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/01/2015 19:32

We have allowed our kids to have steady partners staying over from 17 or so. I honestly think it is quite bizarre and creepy to try to control your adult child's sex life. No one has taken the mick and brought home a casual shag, it normally happens quite naturally after they have been together a couple of months.

What do parents who have a teen sex embargo want to happen? That their offspring learn about sex in a furtive, under a bush kind of way? That their kids move out and live in some crappy flat on a pitiful wage? That their kids save themselves frustratedly for the one and only have experience of one sexual partner?

We're happy for ours to be having healthy, normal fun in their own beds.

vienna1981 · 04/01/2015 19:44

Good for you Tinkly. I couldn't agree more.

GirlsTimesThree · 04/01/2015 19:44

It is strange when they first start staying over. Our eldest DD was 18 when she met her first boyfriend.
She's still with him two years later, but when he first started to stay over he stayed in the spare room. She asked after a few months if he could stay in her room which, although it felt very strange (our children are always our children no matter how big they get!) we agreed to. They were sleeping together at his house, we knew they were having sex because I'd taken her to the GP for contraception and it seemed ridiculous to object. I also wanted her to have the right environment to develop a good, normal, healthy approach to sex which I don't think would happen if she was having to sneak around in bushes, cars etc..
We (me, DH and younger 2 sisters) really like her BF - he's lovely, respects her and us and has really become part of our family. He cleans up, walks the dog, cooks, empties the dishwasher and runs errands for us if we need him to.
They spend as much time here as they do at his house when they're home (they're at uni and sharing a flat) and I absolutely love my house being filled with young adults. They're great fun.
It'll be very quiet next week when all but one DC have gone again.
You sound as though you have a lovely relationship with your DD. This will become your new normal quite quickly, honestly.

ohisay · 04/01/2015 19:44

when I was 18, my dad wouldn't let my now husband sleep over but then his mum kicked him out so he gave him my bed and I got the sofa his house, his rules. when mine are 18+ I will consider partners staying over when they are in a relationship.....no revolving doors in my house!!!!

Original poster

TAG30 · 04/01/2015 19:45

If it was just me, it wouldn't have been such a problem. But it's not. I have DH and other dc to consider which is why I asked for the opinion of others.
I love the mates dad' response but don't think I could bring myself to be so bold!

OP posts:

TheLovelyBoots · 04/01/2015 19:45

But there's something in the way that put. Something where you view the girls as slutty but sons not...
Really? Please explain how?

I would guess they'll have plenty of opportunity at university and while flat-sharing like I did in my 20's, I certaily don't expect them to not have sex (quite the opposite).

When I said "unpleasantness", I was referring to parents being exposed to their children's sex lives (this could equally apply in the reverse). There's no need.

Canigetanamen · 04/01/2015 19:47

My mil only allows married couple to share rooms before we were married we had to have separate rooms lol

Canigetanamen · 04/01/2015 19:49

This is very interesting as I have a older teen and a baby I think I will have a long term partners only allow no one night stands ECt

Original poster

TAG30 · 04/01/2015 19:49

Girltimesthree - thanks, I think it might just be weird to begin with. The dynamics have changed all of a sudden and it's not knowing how to accommodate everyone and to make sure everyone is happy. I just wanted to know how others handled

OP posts:

morethanpotatoprints · 04/01/2015 19:51

Ha Ha, this was me a year or 2 ago and don't blame you at all.
My ds1 is 23 and recently I bought a triple sleeper so he and his gf of 4 years can stay over in dds room and she can sleep in his old room.

I have a dd of 11 (today) and I wouldn't have wanted her to have values that included sleeping with somebody until they were a well established couple.

So even though he stayed regularly at her parents house, it wasn't happening in mine.

You set your own values and beliefs and it really doesn't matter what others say or do themselves.

skinoncustard · 04/01/2015 19:52

Molotov-''If your DD is sorting out contraception, that's great. Another of my ground rules wouls be that he must use a condom. I wouldn't care what hormonal contraception my DD was on - I would instil and insist upon the use of condoms''

Exactly how would you enforce this?

prettywhiteguitar · 04/01/2015 19:54

Why not get to know him a bit first by inviting him for an informal dinner ? I'm sure once your dh gets to know him it won't be so bad.

Bet to treat them like adults and maybe they will be more respectful and treat you I the same way

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/01/2015 19:57

Lovely. Seriously. No one is exposed to anyone else's sex life in our house. Everyone is in their own room with the door shut. No one is copping a quick shag on the sofa after we have gone to bed or taking the family car up a dark lane (at least, I don't think they are). However many partners it takes my offspring, to find the one, is up to them; I'm not keeping count. Take your time, shop around, don't rush into anything is my advice to them.

Canigetanamen · 04/01/2015 20:00

poster TinklyLittleLaugh

Not sure I agree with that I don't want my son to who around to much I don't want him known as a womaniser and I defiantly don't want my daughter doing that well not in my home anyway

CatCushion · 04/01/2015 20:03

TAG, it's your house and your rules. So YANBU unless you expect her to be somehow loyal to you and only stay at her boyfriend's place once a week or something like that. She can move out at her age!

The younger DC in the family home makes a difference, in my book, if they are under 16. If youger DC is very much younger, then that isn't fair on the older DC to have to wait to enjoy a normalised relationship in the parental home, and for it to be accepted.
A compromise, or rules similar to mrsfarquar's mum's rules would be good. Best arrived at together with your DD.
There's no year by year rule book because there are so many variations on what can work and be healthy and good. On the other hand, another combination of different family members in a different house, different partners and it could be disastrous.

BathshebaDarkstone · 04/01/2015 20:04

YABU. She's an adult, she's obviously having sex at her boyfriend's, why can't she stay the night? Also, personally I'd rather she was at home, safe.

Molotov · 04/01/2015 20:11

Of course I couldn't "enforce" the use of condoms.

I would, however, bleet on about hormonal contraception only being usually reliable in preventing pregnancy and not STIs. Also, with a hormonal contraceptive and a condom it would be almost impossible to get pg.

So, I would hope that my children would listen to me. I wouldn't be about to burst into the bedroom and make sure they rubber up or anything weird like that

Chillycamper · 04/01/2015 20:17

TAG I suddenly find myself in same situation with my eldest. Fr me It's not about sex. Her decisions and hopefully she's confident and secure enough to make good decisions for herself.

DH initially said no but the unintended consequence was that they stayed out, at BFs, at parties etc which just felt daft. It has been harder for DH to adapt but we are getting there.

We asked that we get chance to get to know BF first. She might have known him some time but he was almost a stranger to us and her much younger sibs.

We are currently working on how often and on her asking/letting us know.

One morning we all over slept and I ran around waking younger DCs in the nude before jumping in the shower and was horrified to see BFs trainers in the hall. At least it wasn't BF!

I do sound a bit old fashioned "this is not a flat share. We are a family and we all have to be respectful."

BTW bf is really lovely.

SirChenjin · 04/01/2015 20:23

CatCushion - I agree. I think there's been a lot of unfair criticism of people who don't think the OP is BU, but so much of the decision depends on a family's circumstances, dynamics and situation.

Saying yay or nay is not wrong, it's just different.

GirlsTimesThree · 04/01/2015 20:28

TAG That's it exactly. The dynamics changing. One day you're a family unit of however many, the next there's someone else there who makes you realise that your child has magically turned into an adult! Those years between 13 and 18 seemed to me to be the quickest to pass with the most and biggest changes.
I think the answer, as always, is communication, and you seem to have that covered.
You will get used to it and hopefully your daughter will appreciate your acceptance of her adult status.

mathanxiety · 04/01/2015 21:06

YANBU. 18 is an adult only when the 18 year old is able to afford her own place. There is more to being an adult than legal entitlement to have sex.

As an aside, I think the over-exclusiveness of the relationship as described sounds unhealthy. If she has given up her relationship with her parents in order to spend time with her BF after a relatively short time (a few months is not long imo), has she done similar with friends? Being so swept up in Luv that you are prepared to sacrifice other relationships is not a good thing.

mrsfarquhar · 04/01/2015 21:22

Maths, its not a good thing i agree but it happens. Being madly in love at that age can be totally overpowering and only with hindsight can you see it for what it was.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/01/2015 21:38

Math: so are people who can't afford to move out of the family home (something that's getting more and more common with the housing situation and the wages situation at present) still not adults even if they are 30?

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