Who IBU? Very obese man on train taking up seat.

[StackladysMorphicResonator]

Please settle a pub argument - we have been discussing who IBU for nearly an hour!

I went on a 2h30 train ride today. An extremely obese gentleman sat down next to me about five minutes into the journey. The middle arm rest was down, but his bulk was unfortunately spilling both under and over it. He then opened up a broadsheet newspaper, causing his arm to sit about 2 inches from my nose, and read it throughout the journey, causing his arm to be either right in front of me or squashing against my shoulder every time he turned a page.

I sat for the entire journey silently fuming, but didn't say anything to him as I didn't want to embarrass him in public. However, I had a pretty miserable journey and moaned about it to friends in the pub this evening.

The majority opinion here is that I WBU by not asking him to keep his elbows to himself, and I've only got myself to blame for my uncomfortable journey. My reasons for not asking him to butt out of my space is that I thought it would be really embarrassing for him, and due to his size he couldn't help it - of the people present, the majority opinion is that he should have purchased two seats if he couldn't fit into one seat, and certainly shouldn't have been reading something that caused him to practically elbow me in the nose every time he turned a page, and I was being a massive wuss by not saying anything.

So, wise denizens of AIBU: was I BU (and a wuss) by fuming in silence, and if so, what should I have done?

Reekypear That's extrapolating from questions of employment to much wider questions. There is certainly no obligation to rebuild existing buses and trains to carry fewer passengers - which is what you seem to be suggesting.

I would suggest that you stand up to the tyranny of polite giant men wherever you see it Rabbit

Ronald, I applaud you for your response. I don't think I could have been so polite myself!

As a tiny person, it wouldn't occur to me to be annoyed that someone tall wanted to sit next to me. Pre-DH it's how I met most of my boyfriends I love tall men.

The spilling out of another seat is annoying though, agree they should book two seats. Not to add fuel to the fire, if I am on crutches when I am travelling, I always apologise to the person seated next to me and try hard not to encroach on their space. Although, last time, no fucker moved to let me sit down!

Everyone automatically sits next to the smallest person around on the bus or train.

It's totally fattist to claim that if an obese person does it it's bullying. I bet you don't race to sit beside the largest person Rabbit.

On many trains you can't book seats anyway. What do obese/big fit people do then?

I sit next to the cleanest looking person I can spot on public transport. And the one who looks least likely to talk to me.

I have advised brother of his bullying ways
He says he always asks if the other person minds before bullying them ( sitting down )
I have informed him that this is apparently still bullying

He was a bit ?? To be honest

Ronald, he's tall and polite? Pretty much ticks all my boxes!

OP, YWBU. You should have looked at him and said something like 'sorry, but your newspaper is bothering me, could you please keep it over your side' then smiled and got on with the rest of the journey. There was no need for it to be embarrassing at all.

Hopefully, he would then have complied with your request but if not I would have asked again more assertively.

My FIL is very obese and always used to sit next to my very slim MIL on flights.(he no longer flys) My MIL used to say how awful it was and that she was always extremely uncomfortable . - bad enough when it's your DH but even worse if it was a stranger.

2015 Rough on your MIL but she married him. Did she suggest that somebody else should be made uncomfortable?

Rabbit are you insane ? Someone tall and broad shouldn't sit next to you as that is bullying ? Seriously you need help.

AndrewFog. That was an unessecerily arse'y post. . She sat next to him because it would be unfair to expect a stranger to. Even though it wasn't her fault he was fat.

All very interesting. What if the only seat left was by a fat person, would it be OK to sit there and put the armrest down and what if they object?

Well you could if you wanted to act like a dick.

Would it really be very dick-like to try to ensure you had a reasonable share of your own seat? Less so surely than objecting to a lowered arm rest?

OK 2015 if she did not suggest that somebody else should be uncomfortable, well and good. Your post was not clear. No intention to be arsey.

Tricky of course the armrest comes down. And stays down.

would it be OK to sit there and put the armrest down and what if they object?

I always just put the arm rest down when I sit down on a train seat. I don't ask: I just do it. I don't think that's unreasonable or acting like a dick: it means we both have a clear definition of our own space -- for the benefit of the person sitting next to me as much as me. It means I won't intrude on his/her space either!

I think what always annoys me about these sorts of situations is that I am forced to appear rude or demanding, simply because the other person is being rude, thoughtless, or inconsiderate. They're the ones pushing the boundaries, and being inconsiderate, yet I'm the one who has to request good behaviour -- which often annoys ill-mannerd or badly behaved people.

I was taught that "manners" are nothing to do with ettiquette but are about considering others as much as myself.

AndrewFogg (sorry if I mistakenly read your post as arsey )

No she would never have asked someone else to sit by him. He was really embarrassed about his weight and yet seemed incapable of doing anything about it. We tried anything and everything to try and encourage him to loose weight but nothing worked. He died of it in the end. It's a horrible way to die as he was ill and deeply unhappy for years.

No one else in the family is overweight not even the dog.

OP I would have said something to him but ime it rarely makes a difference anyway. I sat next to a man on a 12hr flight once who was reading a paper and jabbing me with his elbows as well as taking up the whole armrest, not an overweight man just an inconsiderate one, so I asked him not to invade my space so much and although he very politely agreed he didn't change anything and continued to blow me just as I drifted off to sleep for the rest of the 12hrs!

Some people are inconsiderate no matter what their size, and sometimes saying something does nothing to help so I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.

annabegins
the answer to that is to read their paper as well - including holding the corner
"its over my seat so I assumed you wanted me to read it too"

Do people think that if he bought two tickets there would have magically been another seat?

The train was full, and some people were standing. If he had booked 'two seats', he would have had to either give up part of the space he had legitimately paid for, in the interest of good manners, to allow someone else to sit, (which the OP has already pointed out is very unfair when it is the slim person doing so) or he would have had to spend the entire journey defending his right to have a partially empty seat next to him. Not much fun either way.

He was, however, unreasonable to read a large newspaper on a crowded train.

Hear hear Edna

Here we go again

Its ok for charming posters like Joanne to say "Fat people piss me off" and stupid platitudes like "its easy to lose weight" but anyone who shows moderate displeasure at that sort of offensive posting gets deleted.

Your modding really is questionable at times HQ.