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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU? Very obese man on train taking up seat.

187 replies

StackladysMorphicResonator · 02/01/2015 20:42

Please settle a pub argument - we have been discussing who IBU for nearly an hour!

I went on a 2h30 train ride today. An extremely obese gentleman sat down next to me about five minutes into the journey. The middle arm rest was down, but his bulk was unfortunately spilling both under and over it. He then opened up a broadsheet newspaper, causing his arm to sit about 2 inches from my nose, and read it throughout the journey, causing his arm to be either right in front of me or squashing against my shoulder every time he turned a page.

I sat for the entire journey silently fuming, but didn't say anything to him as I didn't want to embarrass him in public. However, I had a pretty miserable journey and moaned about it to friends in the pub this evening.

The majority opinion here is that I WBU by not asking him to keep his elbows to himself, and I've only got myself to blame for my uncomfortable journey. My reasons for not asking him to butt out of my space is that I thought it would be really embarrassing for him, and due to his size he couldn't help it - of the people present, the majority opinion is that he should have purchased two seats if he couldn't fit into one seat, and certainly shouldn't have been reading something that caused him to practically elbow me in the nose every time he turned a page, and I was being a massive wuss by not saying anything.

So, wise denizens of AIBU: was I BU (and a wuss) by fuming in silence, and if so, what should I have done?

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 02/01/2015 21:08

He can't control his size, it's not as if he can go on a 3 minute crash diet to take up less space, he can control his newspaper though.

I don't understand men who sit with their legs wide apart. Surely their bollocks are not that large? Confused

dexter73 · 02/01/2015 21:08

70isalimitnotatarget - I didn't say that the op should be forced to move or stand in a corridor, I said that is what I would have done in her position.

joanne1947 · 02/01/2015 21:09

I would have moved seats or gone and stood in the corridor if none were left. I totally disagree. Why shuld anyone move to give an obese person space? I was in a booked seat on a train and a fat man sat next to me and pulled up the arm rest. I pushed it down. He said that with it down he did not have enough space (he was at the window side). I said I
"I've paid for my seat so it is mine". He fumed for a while then the ticket inspector guy came and I asked him if I was entitled to me seat, he said I was. After he left I said the the obese person that if he did not like having one seat he should eat less and try exercise. It was not a pleasant journey as he was fuming but I kept my space. I do not think anyone should take up more that one seat. [I struggle at times to keep my weight down but I fight it and manage to stay a reasonable size 8. It is not easy but lots of exercise and watching what I eat helps.]

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 02/01/2015 21:11

The ticket inspector was very rude, joanne.

dexter73 · 02/01/2015 21:12

joanne1947 - You don't have have to agree with me. It is what I would choose to do and is no more right or wrong than what you would choose to do.

CharlesRyder · 02/01/2015 21:14

CatsClaus I just spat my wine into my keyboard.

dexter73 · 02/01/2015 21:14

Actually joanne what you said to the man was pretty rude so maybe you weren't in the right so much in my opinion.

Itsnotsnowinghere · 02/01/2015 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 02/01/2015 21:15

I'd move if I felt claustrophobic unless there was no where else to sit. It's very off to be rude to someone because of their size though, poor bloke! Sad

ConfusedInBath · 02/01/2015 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eltonjohnsflorist · 02/01/2015 21:17

"After he left I said the the obese person that if he did not like having one seat he should eat less and try exercise. It was not a pleasant journey as he was fuming but I kept my space. "

You said this to the guy Joanne? Seriously???

KingJarethsBulge · 02/01/2015 21:17

I have no idea about your question, sorry op. But cat that made me howl with laughter Grin I can just imagine sitting there peering over his paper and telling him off for turning the page

"no, not yet, not yet! I'm still on the last paragraph for heavens sake. Some people have no consideration for others...by the way can I lend a pen to do the crossword puzzle after we have both finished reading, there's a dear"

Grin
KingJarethsBulge · 02/01/2015 21:18

Waves to charlesryder :)

joanne1947 · 02/01/2015 21:19

The ticket inspector was very rude, joanne. I have to say the inspector checked my ticket and that I was in the correct seat, he was not at all rude, he was polite to all passengers.
I agree that the other passenger can't suddenly lose weight but it is not hard to realise that the fact that clothes are getting tight means I am getting fat so I need to act now.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 02/01/2015 21:19

Oh, sorry, I thought the ticket bloke said that! Blush

Joanne, Biscuit

GlitzAndGigglesx · 02/01/2015 21:20

I find getting a pen out and doing the sudoku gets them to move it. Never tried this but would love to. In the past I have asked people to move it over slightly

Original poster
StackladysMorphicResonator · 02/01/2015 21:27

"It's very off to be rude to someone because of their size though, poor bloke!"

LadySybil I was definitely not rude to him, I didn't say anything to him, nor did I sigh/shrug in a passive-aggressive manner (our mutual friend Sam Vimes wouldn't stand for such behaviour!) - as an ex-anorexic I understand better than most people that eating disorders can mean you have little or no control over your size.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 02/01/2015 21:28

I would have smiled and asked firmly, "Excuse me would you mind folding your paper please?"

WRT his weight, well public transport is pot luck really.

We all run the risk of getting stuck next to someone who makes us feel uncomfortable. Whether that's due to their smell, their size, their babies/toddlers, their coughs, colds and sneezes.

Nowt you can do about that really.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 02/01/2015 21:29

I was talking to joanne, stackslady Smile

manicinsomniac · 02/01/2015 21:29

I would have been another silent seether as I'm a total wuss!

Broadsheet newspapers are ridiculous things to read on busy public transport. His weight is irrelevant. I never object to giving tall or fat people some of my space as I don't need it all and they can't just change their size like that. But his behaviour was unreasonable.

TheFourthLobster · 02/01/2015 21:32

He was unreasonable to read his paper like that. I had a terrible flight once, the man in front of me in the queue was severely obese; they asked him his weight at the counter and, as he was loud (!) I heard him say 25 stone. When we boarded the plane he came and sat next to me and put the arm rest up or he couldn't fit in the seat. I said sorry, but I want it down and told him to put the aisle armrest up. What really annoyed me was that they were travelling as a big group with his wife, two grand daughters, and he grand daughter's parents. He should have sat with his family rather than next to somebody else and let one of his other group sit in the seat next to me.

TheFourthLobster · 02/01/2015 21:32

He was unreasonable to read his paper like that. I had a terrible flight once, the man in front of me in the queue was severely obese; they asked him his weight at the counter and, as he was loud (!) I heard him say 25 stone. When we boarded the plane he came and sat next to me and put the arm rest up or he couldn't fit in the seat. I said sorry, but I want it down and told him to put the aisle armrest up. What really annoyed me was that they were travelling as a big group with his wife, two grand daughters, and he grand daughter's parents. He should have sat with his family rather than next to somebody else and let one of his other group sit in the seat next to me.

cabbageandgravy · 02/01/2015 21:33

Maybe we need some manspreading awareness notices on our public transport? www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/new-york-metros-campaign-to-stop-manspreading-9938025.html
Dunno what I'd have done op. Shuffled and nudged a bit I expect, fidgeted, reached clumsily for my bag, kept moving it.. "excuse me" "could I just?" "oh sorry" etc to make it clear he was in my way?.

joanne1947 · 02/01/2015 21:34

I admit I was rude but fat people piss me off.

OK now I will be flamed on here. It is not all that hard to control your weight before you get huge. My husband said recently that he is watching his weight and taking more exercise now he has retired (aged 67) because his 34" jeans feel tight. It is a simple matter of taking control when problems start and not letting them escalate.
To get right back to the original post on here if the person was obese it is easy for him to go first class and book a single seat.

Original poster
StackladysMorphicResonator · 02/01/2015 21:35

Happy to see I'm not the only silent seether (although in hindsight Worra's paper-folding suggestion would've been an excellent plan - will remember that in future)!

I agree with LadySybil that Joanne was unnecessarily rude and fat-shaming by bringing the ticket inspector into it (presumably the arm rest was down by that point, which meant no further intervention was necessary).

OP posts: