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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU? Very obese man on train taking up seat.

187 replies

StackladysMorphicResonator · 02/01/2015 20:42

Please settle a pub argument - we have been discussing who IBU for nearly an hour!

I went on a 2h30 train ride today. An extremely obese gentleman sat down next to me about five minutes into the journey. The middle arm rest was down, but his bulk was unfortunately spilling both under and over it. He then opened up a broadsheet newspaper, causing his arm to sit about 2 inches from my nose, and read it throughout the journey, causing his arm to be either right in front of me or squashing against my shoulder every time he turned a page.

I sat for the entire journey silently fuming, but didn't say anything to him as I didn't want to embarrass him in public. However, I had a pretty miserable journey and moaned about it to friends in the pub this evening.

The majority opinion here is that I WBU by not asking him to keep his elbows to himself, and I've only got myself to blame for my uncomfortable journey. My reasons for not asking him to butt out of my space is that I thought it would be really embarrassing for him, and due to his size he couldn't help it - of the people present, the majority opinion is that he should have purchased two seats if he couldn't fit into one seat, and certainly shouldn't have been reading something that caused him to practically elbow me in the nose every time he turned a page, and I was being a massive wuss by not saying anything.

So, wise denizens of AIBU: was I BU (and a wuss) by fuming in silence, and if so, what should I have done?

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 03/01/2015 16:32

AyMamita I will not stand so that somebody of any age or either gender can keep a bag on a seat. Where would you like me to put your bag? I'm going to sit there gets the message across.

Andrewofgg · 03/01/2015 16:33

dexter73 It's a code that you are both MNers! Smile

RonaldMcDonald · 03/01/2015 16:38

Rabbit you certainly sound as though someone has been in your space today

People cannot help their size. That's about it really. They can mind their manners and as is clear here rudeness comes in all sizes

As I have said my brother is both polite and massive

I would suggest that you stand up to the tyranny of polite giant men wherever you see it Rabbit

BertieBrabinger · 03/01/2015 16:44

You should have politely pointed out you were a bit squashed OP. I understand you didn't want to embarrass the man and that's thoughtful (can't imagine joanne doing that, eh...) however after years of being one of those slight people larger folk choose to sit next to even things out, I'm a bit more assertive these days.

It does have an upside mind. Years ago I was on a long haul flight on my own, middle seat in row of 3, and found myself with two HUGE and pungent (trying to be nice here) blokes either side of me. Within an hour of take off both fell fast asleep ON ME and proceeded to snore very loudly indeed. The angel air steward took pity on me and beckoned me forward to business. So, I always think of those two enormous snoring men with affection now!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 03/01/2015 17:28

Rabbit. You sound rather paranoid. The reason he might choose a small person to sit beside is that then there would be slightly more room. Not as an act of bullying. Have heard it all now.

Momagain1 · 03/01/2015 17:59

Except, there isnt more room. Ronalds brother deciding he has a right to part of someone elses seat is a selfish thing to do, whether he is fot and ,assive, massively obese, rude or polite. He simply doesnt have a right to the seat rabbit paid for, and choosing to take her area makes him rude in selfish, whther or not he is usually seen as polite. If he needs more than one seat, he should pay for two, or pay for first class, or stand, targetting smaller people is not a nice solution, Ronald. It just isnt.

Momagain1 · 03/01/2015 17:59

'Fit and massive'

WooWooOwl · 03/01/2015 18:07

It is ridiculous to call it bullying when a person who needs more space than most tries to find someone small to sit next to. It is not bullying.

It is rude, selfish and inconsiderate to take up any of someone else's seat or personal space, but in a public transport situation, it is not bullying.

dexter73 · 03/01/2015 18:08

I thought that on trains you didn't pay for a seat but you paid for the journey so I'm not sure a large person could just buy 2 seats on a train. Also if the train was full and you sat down next to a large person and they asked you to move as they had paid for 2 seats you would probably be really annoyed that he wouldn't give up his empty seat.

joanne1947 · 03/01/2015 18:09

I don't think I've seen such awful remarks on here about obese people.
Fat people have the right to sit down as much as you do Aymamita why you think they do not is beyond me They do have the same rights as me, the right to a seat, not more than one seat. Some, not all, fat people seem to think others should take up less than one seat to accommodate their fatness.

RabbitOfNegativeEuphoria · 03/01/2015 18:10

It is bullying. It's targeting someone smaller than youth make them give you your space. It's totakky bullying. Physical intimidation. And it happens a lot and the people who do it are cocks.

RabbitOfNegativeEuphoria · 03/01/2015 18:11

You to. Sadly I cannot claim youth any longer.

ohmyactualgiddyaunt · 03/01/2015 18:12

Its not bullying. Please don't devalue the meaning of the word by using it incorrectly. Bullying is a sustained campaign against a single person not a bad choice on a single occasion.

TalkinPeace · 03/01/2015 18:15

RabbitOfNegativeEuphoria
So a massive Rugby player or basket ball player is not allowed to sit on a train because they bully people by their very size ?

Get a life.

The chap next to the OP was rude.
She was not assertive enough.

Tall people really can do nothing about their size.

WooWooOwl · 03/01/2015 18:15

Bullying is not a one off event, so while it may be one person intimidating another when they are forcing them to give up their space, it is not bullying.

RabbitOfNegativeEuphoria · 03/01/2015 18:16

It is bullying. It's done on purpose and in Ronald's brothers case it's ckearky done habitually. Bullying does not have to happen over a sustained time to one person - a bullying act is a bullying act whether it's the first time or the hundredth time. You ckearky haven't been subjected to this, but I have, countless times, and it is most definitely bullying because it's physical intimidation allied with targeting of someone smaller and weaker than the bully. It's not personal, but that doesn't stop it being bullying.

WooWooOwl · 03/01/2015 18:21

From the .gov website

There is no legal definition of bullying.

However, it’s usually defined as behaviour that is:

repeated
intended to hurt someone either physically or emotionally
often aimed at certain groups, eg because of race, religion, gender or sexual orientation
It takes many forms and can include:

physical assault
teasing
making threats
name calling
cyberbullying - bullying via mobile phone or online (eg email, social networks and instant messenger)

Rabbit, we will just have to disagree, because I don't believe it's bullying.

ArcheryAnnie · 03/01/2015 18:23

The man next to the OP was an arse as he was not only passively invading the OP's space by virtue of his size, but actively invading her space by virtue of being an inconsiderate bellend reading a large newspaper.

However, I'm a bit shocked at the way fat people on here are being vilified, starting on the very first page ("no sympathy" for fat people on public transport).

Should the fat all stay indoors unless they are rich enough to take taxis?

TalkinPeace · 03/01/2015 18:24

It is bullying. It's done on purpose and in Ronald's brothers case it's clearly done habitually.
THAT IS BECAUSE HE'S TALL
The only way he could stop being a bully in your eyes is to shrink
Get real

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/01/2015 18:32

rabbit

Ronald's brother sounds like he is being considerate

AmberNectarine · 03/01/2015 18:54

Ronald's brother can sit next to me, a small person, any day. Some of the lunatics on this thread, not so much.

What exactly are tall people supposed to do about their size? We've established that all the overweight people can lose weight, quick as a flash, natch, just but eating less etc, but what do the tall folk do? Sever their legs?

There is no shame in a bit of TOLERANCE. Except of complete dickheads, obviously. And that includes man in the OP with his newspaper, because that makes him a dickhead, not his weight.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 03/01/2015 18:57

Of course it's not bullying Rabbit.

That is one of the most daft posts I have ever read on MN.

MaidOfStars · 03/01/2015 19:31

it is most definitely bullying because it's physical intimidation allied with targeting of someone smaller and weaker than the bully
As one of the little ones who has experience of such targetting, I can't say I've felt remotely intimidated or bullied by it. It's just practical. And often accompanied by a small joke or similar, 'room for a big one....' or 'you can put your feet up on my legs' or whatever other nonsense people come out with when they are trying to rub along with fellow passengers.

WooWooOwl · 03/01/2015 19:35

Can't say I've ever felt bullied or intimidated by it either.

Inconvenienced and uncomfortable on flights maybe, because I expect to be more comfortable on a flight than I do a train, but not by tall people because you can be tall without needing anyone else's actual seat.

Reekypear · 03/01/2015 20:00

Being morbidly obese is now classed as a disability by the EU.

So bigger seats should be installed on public transport for morbidly obese people in order for them to sit safely for thier comfort and the comfort of others.