to think that it is ok for a 10 year old to take himself to the toilet when you are in a pub

[jellymaker]

I have been out to a pub with friends and kids. My friend was really shocked that we allowed ds to take himself to the toilet there, saying that he could be attacked whilst in there. We are looking for opportunities for him to become independent before he goes to senior next year. this seems like a good one. AIBU to allow him to do this. At what age did your children do this ?

A ten year old NT child should be in the appropriate toilet.

And I have to say, that if I saw a woman in the public toilets with a boy who looked age 10 or above, I would certainly be telling her that his presence made me feel very uncomfortable. It would be absolutely true and I think I would have a right to say it. It may well be something that she had not considered properly before. Perhaps for some people, they are just in the habit of taking their boys in and never really think about when to stop.

Some of these steps of independence nice just come naturally and easily for both children and parents. Other parents and perhaps children find it more difficult...but the steps still need to be taken, and perhaps planned in as gradual increments. Confused....have you made that plan, time-wise for your son going into male toilets?

ChocolateWombat the decisions I have made regarding giving DS independence have never been easy. I worried myself sick the first time I allowed him to go to a male toilets on his own. I worried myself sick when I first allowed him to go and call for his friend. I was beside myself when he and his friend first went to the park on their own.

However, I do not have the right to allow my worry to prevent the appropriate development of my child.

One day he is going to be an adult, and I will probably worry about him then.

I would say around 5 or 6 is the age children should go in on their own.
An accompanied ten year old is, frankly, silly.

HittingABrickWall, well good for you for pushing yourself to give increasing independence, even if you find it hard.
Yes, I'm sure we will all continue to worry about our children throughout their lives. An element of concern and worry is totally normal. I guess the question is whether we allow the worry to paralyse us and stifle our children, or whether we push ourselves to deal with it, knowing they need their independence to grow.

This whole toilet thing shows that independence or lack of it can impact others too. Most of the things of growing independence like walking to the park or whatever, have no bearing on other people. However, having the wrong sex older children in public toilets or changing rooms can impact others......and for this reason, I think people need to be wiling to consider the rights of others too. There will still be a range of ages and attitudes, but surely everyone recognises there must be an age when it is inappropriate for a boy to be in a single sex ladies toilet. It really isn't a parents right to do it for ever if they like the idea.

A girl's right to an all female space could be over ridden if a boy was at real danger if he used the appropriately gendered loos. But he isn't.

And yes, boys have a right to a similar all male space too. So I would not expect a father to take a girl over school age to the men's loos either. Surprisingly enough, this never seems to be an issue...........

My grandsons are 8 and nearly 6. I let them go to the male toilets at soft play where I can watch the door and in Sainsbury's if I wait outside and they are together. If I just have one with me I let the big one go as above and take the 5 year old to the ladies with me. In busy places I'd wait outside for the 8 year old and take his brother with me.
I think 7 is my cut off as it is for changing rooms at swimming.

Dear god, it never entered my head when my girls were at primary to ensure that they were accompanied by a suitably-genitalled teacher to the loo. DD2 is 11 and the very idea of her being accompanied to the loo on a Y7 school trip would mortify her to the point of preferring to wet her pants (so you're off the hook, clary ).

BTW I would suspect that some of DD1's Muslim classmates wouldn't use a mixed loo in a public space. They would feel v uncomfortable with it.

(oh and I did say some; I'm thinking of one young woman in particular, who wears full hijab out of school. It wasn't a general comment on Islam. Lots of Muslim girls at the school, DP's dad was a Muslim, etc etc).

"BTW I would suspect that some of DD1's Muslim classmates wouldn't use a mixed loo in a public space. They would feel v uncomfortable with it."

But won't you think of the boys MI? Surely their safety is paramount????

unlucky Muslim women who cover their hair may remove/replace/adjust their scarf in women's toilets, as they should be able to reasonably expect no boys over the age 10ish to be there.

I'm another one who is sad about the idea that girls don't have the right to expect female-only places. It's not about what they might 'see' or what might 'happen', but the right they have to have a space where only ladies (and very young boys) will be. It's an important message that girls have the right to these places and boys/men don't have the right to enter as they please.

I also hadn't thought of the sanpro issue for my older daughter, either.

I've been sending mine off to the loos ("sweetie, I think it's over there - yes, I'm fairly sure it is") for ages now.

I find the mocking of a girl who may be embarrassed by sharing a sink with a boy rqther unpleasant, to be honest.

Thanks MI

Like other posters I am a bit surprised by some posts on here. We need to consider other people in society and that might well include young teenage girls.

Meant to send you a MI

(we need an edit post button!)

Quite Hak. What if she had a difficult time changing her tampon? In fairness we'd all be a little embarrassed but a teenage girl more so. I remember at that ages hating changing tampons in the girls loo at school.

Of course a 10 yr old can go to the toilet alone. You need to help your kids get a bit street smart.

Can't abide this idea there are paedophiles lurking everywhere. They aren't.

I have a 10yo ds.

He is as tall as the average 13yo, stocky, & has just had a very short, practical haircut* that makes him look like the archvillain's thuggish henchman. He also tends to scowl a lot when he's embarrassed.

Actually, he's a shy, sweet, geeky bookworm, but I can quite readily imagine him making a lone woman or girl in the Ladies jump out of their skin if he loomed into view unexpectedly - & they have a right to expect that not to happen in a female place.

AFAIC school age dc shouldn't be in the toilets or changing rooms of the other gender, (obviously unless there are SN involved). Definitely not 10yos. Mine haven't required an adult in attendance since they were old enough to wipe their own bums & re-adjust their own clothing.

*he went to the barber's in town & chose it independently whilst dh was getting his sisters' hair three doors away, before meeting his dad afterwards - another feat he managed to accomplish without anything awful happening to him, beyond an unfortunate haircut...

He sounds fab.

Mind you half the people on this thread would think me irresponsible for sending a child who looks like an immature nine year old into the loo on her own. DD2 is actually 11...