to think that it is ok for a 10 year old to take himself to the toilet when you are in a pub

[jellymaker]

I have been out to a pub with friends and kids. My friend was really shocked that we allowed ds to take himself to the toilet there, saying that he could be attacked whilst in there. We are looking for opportunities for him to become independent before he goes to senior next year. this seems like a good one. AIBU to allow him to do this. At what age did your children do this ?

DD is 10. DS is 11. They both take themselves to toilets in restaurants and pubs. I agree with you OP we have to start preparing our children for the world in which we live and these simple steps are a good way.

So if a 10 year old boy goes on a school trip some of you would expect teachers to take him to the ladies toilet?

No I wouldn't expect the teacher to take kids to the loo. The positive on school trips is there are likely to be a large number of kids together. I ask my DH to accompany my 9 year old son and have had a bit of as "what's the chances?" Thing is it's not just a "nasty" event is it, rape can be devastating. Why not be careful? This stuff does happen, it's rare but not unknown.

A boy would never be taken into the ladies on a school trip even infants go into the gents changing for swimming and toilets.

If 10 is too young to go to the toilet alone at what age is it Ok?

Honestly my ten yr old being.raped in.the toilets doesn't even figure as a risk. We all take far more risks everyday, crossing the road, going in the car etc.

My ten year old goes to the local park or shops and cycles two miles to school on his own. In a year and a bit he will be getting the public bus to high school.

Children are far more likely to be raped by a close family member or friend and I am pretty sure rapes happen in women's toilets as well, they are not a magic rape free zone.

Older boys going into women's loos are obiouslly no threat or danger to girls also using the loo.

But girls have the right to use the loo without boys being in there. The loo is a traditionally gender segregated place- and girls have a right to expect that. Boys have the same right- I don't know many boys over the age of about 7 who would not prefer to go to the men's loo.

It isn't just boys either. I remember a 11 yo girl being raped in a supermarket toilet - must be almost 10 yrs ago...when my DD1 was 5 ish. (And I discovered DP had been sending her in to the ladies on her own 'for a year or so')
There are risks and you can't cover everything and they do need to learn to be independent BUT rape/sexual assault is something that might affect them for the rest of their life. And if you can easily reduce the chance of something like that happening ...
Some of it depends on the type of loo - a busy loo, lots of people around, a group of them has got to be safer than one tucked away somewhere - or a quiet pub. And as others have said someone might already be in there.

I let my DD go to the loo on her own from the age of about 9...but only certain loos and then she had a time limit of a few minutes (depending on how far away the loo was etc) ...and I did keep an eye on it - I have once or twice been on my way to her when she has been coming back ...in the hope that would limit the damage that could be done to her

Sorry - I know there is no 'might about it - it will affect them -just to greater and lesser degrees.

If there was no male teacher to take him in the men's loo then yes

At 10 years old? Unbelievable.

I keep forgetting that all men are rapist and paedophiles.

Yes I know there are cases of it happening, but what about all the times that it doesn't happen?

I just asked ds3(10) yr 5 what happens on school trips, they go in the men's loo in small groups.

Ds4(6) yr2 they go with a helper, if helper is male to the men's if it's female to the ladies.

5madthings that's exactly what I'd expect. The expectation that a 10 year old boy be taken to the Ladies by a teacher on a school trip is laughable.

Who should it follow that if parents are concerned about DCs in public loos that they think ALL men are rapists & paedophiles? If that were the case women would never get together with men, would they? Not that rapists and paedophiles are necessarily male anyway

They must think a significant number are, mistressDeeCee, to think it worth curtailing their child's independence and potentially embarrass their child and others by not letting them use the appropriately gendered loo..."

I was being facetious Mistress It's just that some people carry on like everyone is out to kidnap their children because something happened ten years ago.
I understand being anxious and judging each occasion as it comes. There really aren't people out to kidnap children round every corner.
Yes I understand that it only takes one person to ruin your child's life but I think we need to temper this to a degree.

The older three madboys would look at me as if I had two heads if I said they had to come with me into the ladies!

Ds4(6) generally goes in the men's with an older sibling and is starting to ask to go in the men's on his own, where appropriate I let him go in.the men's on.his own. I imagine in a year or so he will always go into the men's.

confusedinbath so are boys OK to go into the men's loos on a school trip at aged 11?

I ask because I am running a trip this summer with year 7s and I wasn't planning to suggest that any of the boys went into the ladies with me

Surely the (minimal) risk of attack in the men's loos doesn't decrease as the child gets older? Surely any NT 10yo (or 8yo IMO) can understand and be told what to do if there is a problem (ie shout, run, get out of there) - this is the issue, as yes, a 3yo would not be able to take this in so they still need to be helped by mum or dad.

I am hoping none of you are planning to take 13-14 yo DSs into the loo with you.

It's not about what a 10yo boy will see in the ladies' loos - it's about my 13yo DD who really wouldn't want a lad from her school/mate of her younger brother's in there with her. And I personally think that her right to some female-only space when she needs to change her sanpro is pre-eminent.

Sorry for rant.

To answer your qu OP, a 10yo is fine in the men's loos alone IMO.

DS2 is 11 now and I am sure it is many years since he came into the ladies with me. He has an older brother (4 yrs older) which makes it easier, but still, like the 5madthings, he would look askance at me if I suggested he come with me into the ladies'!!

Pipbin I agree with most of what you've said. I think what gets me at times is, if parents are concerned their fears are scoffed at - but there ARE incidents and lets face it, enough have taken place in public toilets so I understand the fear surrounding it. I used to let my DCs go off on their own to toilets..no problem, Im in the same venue. But then there were 2 incidents in a Tesco I use regularly, another in a local Nandos less than 2 months ago. Its sad but it does make you more cautious.

Mine are grown now so I have no issue..but if they were young now yes, Id fret a bit about sending them off. I wouldn't deem that as somehow being an over-anxious parent who wouldn't let child go to loo unaccompanied until they were 16...! Just that whilst their young Id look out for them a bit more. You are right that we need to temper this to a degree but less horror stories and more staff supervision of public toilets would go some way towards helping with that, I think

Confused - I don't have DC. Yes those children did belong to someone. But then every child who is in any kind of tragic incident belonged to someone also. We can't wrap our children in cotton wool all the time. You need to take sensible precaution but allow your children some freedom.
Do you think that all the other parents in the thread are bad parents for letting their 10 year olds go to the toilet on the own?