to think that it is ok for a 10 year old to take himself to the toilet when you are in a pub

[jellymaker]

I have been out to a pub with friends and kids. My friend was really shocked that we allowed ds to take himself to the toilet there, saying that he could be attacked whilst in there. We are looking for opportunities for him to become independent before he goes to senior next year. this seems like a good one. AIBU to allow him to do this. At what age did your children do this ?

there have been so many cases of peodophiles lurking in every corner that it really scares me

The statistics still show that DS is far more likely to be abused by an uncle, a close friend, someone at church, a tutor or a scout leader than by some 'random' in a public toilet.

DS at 8 wold be utterly mortified if I made him go into the ladies' with me.

What if no alternative?

If we are somewhere familiar (a cafe we have been before for example) my 7yr old takes her younger sisters (5 and 3) but only one at a time and only if she is happy to do so.

Absolutely a 10yr old would go on their own!

My eldest son was about seven or eight when he started going in the men's by himself, but I have to admit I did hover outside until he was a bit older, 10 or so, I guess. He's nearly 15 now. My little boy is two, so I haven't had to worry about this for ages, but I guess I'd probably be about the same with him. DS1 stopped wanting to go in the ladies, to be honest.

i remember angst about this when the kids were about 6. At 10 they really should be capable of going to the loo by themselves.

I would be ok with a 10 year old by themselves in a mans loo, as far as I can remember I used to make ds1 go with his little brother when they were younger

If there was only me and they were 6,7,8 then they would go in the ladies with me. I would day they started to be embarrassed to go in the ladies from about 8

The child that was raped and murdered in a toilet in the USA had his aunt standing outside the toilets waiting for him. One in a million chance but I can understand why some parents would be very paranoid

Your friend's nuts! My 10 year old walks to the bus stop and gets on school bus, and back again by himself and no one bats an eyelid! If he couldn't manage a trip to the toilet by himself we'd really be in trouble!

My 8 yo ds refuses to use the ladies toilets and has done for the last year.

He goes in the men's by himself with no issue.

My DS is an only child so cant go with a sibling or take a younger sibling. He doesn't mind coming with me because he doesn't know any different. I don't send him in on his own but clearly he uses the cubicles on his own. He's a very particular young chap so I check to make sure its all clean. I don't have an age in mind when this arrangement will change - I'll use my judgement. He is a young 9 with little sense of risk so he is now starting to walk to his friend's house on his own so small steps :)

The main thing I would worry about is other people in the communal toilet. My son (forget at what age) once boldly went off to the men's toilet in a fast food restaurant in Central London while DH was downstairs ordering the food and I was sitting with DD. I suddenly realised he was alone in a room in Central London that I couldn't go into, where strange men would be getting their penises out...... yes it was a worry.

If I can see the loo from where I am then I would allow them to go on their own, if I can't I don't.

I used to be ok with my boys going by themselves but probably would be hesitant in a pub, until I read the story a few years ago about the 2 young brothers who got raped in a McDonald's toilet whilst their parents were a few metres away in the restaurant. I then tended to get my dh to take them in depending where we are. They are young teenagers now so obviously we don't accompany them now. It's sad that you have to think about these things on a trip out.

The risk is infinitely small - that's what so many people seem to forget.You have to weigh up risks. The risk of my 10yr old getting run over on his way to the school bus stop? Not very high, so I let him go. The risk of someone raping him in a pub loo? Even smaller, so I definitely let him go. Never ever seen a 9/10 yr old boy in ladies loos ... because it ain't right!

All of those saying "yes if I can see who is going in and coming out". What about someone who is already in there, that you didn't see go in, and therefore you wouldn't think it odd that they -and your ds- hadn't come out? I also don't see how seeing who is coming and going would make a difference? Do pedophiles wear a uniform now, that would make you go "OH SHIT".

DS is 3. Don't like to think about this to much yet. I'll freak out when the time comes, although I don't think it will be when he's 6, I think it will be closer to 8.

Although of course it is better to watch/keep an eye out than to not bother at all.

I always took my DCs to the loo when they were younger. Its not your DCs "skills" you worry about, its the actions of other adults that you simply do not know. Accompanying them to public toilets didn't somehow stunt their development..! Its true however that you can't be on the spot all the time, after all there can be danger in varying situations and places. But where you can be there I see nothing wrong with trying your best as a parent to err on the side of caution where possible. There's no way Id send my child off the the loo alone in a pub, someone could assault them and be off out of that pub door before parent knew a thing. & yes I know there are loads of stats etc that say assaults are unlikely but thats hardly saying they DON'T happen, is it? Im perfectly happy to get off my seat for 5 minutes and accompany a child

It is difficult but I think you do have to start letting them out of sight at some point. By the time they are at secondary school they will not be taken to the loo by a teacher on a school trip. They won't always go in a group either and they will be expected to cope with motorway service station toilets at this age. School friends don't always wait behind for the slowest one and teachers just count them back onto the coach.

Sadly they have to have the dangers of anything explained to them so just as you drum into them road safety/not playing with matches etc over the years you do have to explain other possible dangers. They should always be aware of who is around them, and when to yell like hell and when to leg it.

Horrible things can happen in pub toilets or anywhere else. My DB was 14 when he was 'approached' by a man in the toilets at a football match.

I did let my DS go to restaurant toilets at 10. They also used the mens changing rooms at the pool. The only place I did insist that they used the ladies with me if DH wasn't there was at railway stations. Lots of station toilets have entrances onto two platforms. That was always an extra worry because you can't watch both doors.

Another thing is when these 10 year boys go on outings with their friends and their parents. Do you ask the parents to take your child to the loo?

Since the age of about 11 my two have been getting the train into town on their own or with mates, and used the loos while they were out because that's real life.

Yes, yes to the poster who said that when her 10 year old daughter is out with her DH, the girl goes into the ladies alone and not into the mens with her father. I really think that at this age boys need to go in alone. Mothers, hover outside the door if you want to.

And yes to the fact that these attacks are very unusual. There is risk involved in everything, but it is all about gauging the liklihood and also preparing children to cope with increasing independence. The risk is there for an 8 year old, a 10 year old, a 14 year old, a 17 year old and an adult. So we have to choose when we are willing to let children face that tiny risk. Yes, there will be a range of responses from adults. Some will be sending their 3 year olds into unknown public toilets and it seems others will still be taking them in at 12 or 13. By the age of 10 though, most boys will be going in alone and will feel rather embarrassed to be taken into the ladies and will certainly receive some raised eyebrows from other women in the ladies.

Again, I ask those who think 10 is too young, AT WHAT AGE will you you be letting them go alone or telling them the ladies is no longer suitable??

Nasty things happen......occasionally. We all want our children to be are, but we are unable to totally protect them from every single risk. We need to teach them to be alert to danger, to know what to do if it happens, and also not to be obsessed with fear about danger, but to enjoy growing independence. And as parents we need to learn to manage our own fears too and not wrap our children in cotton wool.

Here's my rough list of suitable ages for starting to do things on their own. Most things of course are best done in pairs or small groups to begin with.

• Going in public toilet - 7
• Going into a corner shop alone to pay for sweets with adult outside - 7/8
• walking to corner shop alone/with friend - 9
• walking to school (less than 10 mins, no big roads) -10
• short bus ride -10/11
• trip into town with friends - 11
• being at home alone for 10 mins - from 9
• being at home alone for 30 mins -10

-being at home alone for up to 2 hours - 12

In my mind, by secondary school age, children need to have had some experience of independence, so it doesn't all come in one big scary go. So in those last couple of years of primary, a bit of increasing, managed independence is needed.

Timetoask When will you let him?

My son (NT) went alone from about 7, whoever was with him.

It depends on where the loo is... My ds is 7, almost 8. If the toilet is near to us, e.g. in a restaurant and I can see the door then I'm happy for ds to go on his own. In a shopping centre for example, I would always go with him, and invariably he comes into the ladies with me and baby dd.
It's tricky trying to find the balance between protecting them and encouraging their independence. However, at 10 years old I think I would be less wary of allowing ds to go to the loo by himself, especially in a pub. I would let ds do that now.

Of course it's fine for ten year old to go to the toilet on their own.

Depending where we are I send ds4(6) on his own, ie library or pizza express, somewhere he knows and I am happy with he will go on his own. Other busier places like cinema he will go in with ds3(10).

My elder three boys are 10, 12 and 15 and I can't remember the last time any of them went to the ladies toilets and in a short few years ds4 won't be using the ladies at all, even now at 6 he goes on his own or with a sibling depending, it's only if he is out with me somewhere.busy/unknown and I don't have one of the older madthings with me that I would take him in the ladies.

i don't want a nt 10 year boy in the ladies.
my dd would be mortified and I think girls have a right to have a female only space......for their safety.

People are more worried about seeing a 10 year old boychild in the ladies than they are about sending DCs off to an Adults public toilet?