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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hurt by this or do i need to get a grip

198 replies

vintagecrap · 31/12/2014 20:15

We have a family new years day, have always done it and for the last 8 or so years i have hosted it.

My mother was hurt before xmas as my sister wasnt going to spend xmas day with her ( nor the rest of us) and yet again hadnt invited anyone over. Noone ever gets an invite as my sister ' doesnt do family, and if she does she has to have us all and she doesnt want that'

Anyway, mum was hurt over xmas and spent a good week complaining how nice it would be to be invited somewhere, I always contribute, i cook their ham and take 7-8 dishes and made mince pies to take too. Sister took nothing but still turned up and ate all of boxing day.

Mum said its not an issue for me as i have hosted xmas day before and im on my own and working crazy hours and i always do new years day.

She made a big song and dance over the fact that my sister was unfair to leave people out and she would never do that etc etc.

i find out that my sister has organsed a meal tonight, at hers, with my mum and me and DD were not invited.

I am very hurt, have said so and have been told im being discusting to even say im hurt and how dare i.

They said they wouldnt even think of asking me as i had been at work and they knew i would be organising things for the party tomorrow... which is for them!

Ive been in floods of tears.

OP posts:

Squeegle · 02/01/2015 12:16

It's quite hard to see that it's all fucked up when you're in it! That's why boards like this are so helpful. You sound like a lovely person who wants to have a kind supportive family, you're always papering over the cracks - but perhaps there's no point with these guys. Better to use your efforts elsewhere. Problem is that because she's your mum, your feelings are very complex we all have a bit of emotional people pleasing going I'm, even when it's not deserved or reciprocated! Time to escape those shackles of childhood!

Squeegle · 02/01/2015 12:19

PS. In answer to your original question YADNBU, and they need to get a grip not you!

newyearsresolutionsnotforme · 02/01/2015 13:40

What happened was the girlfriend was pressured to apologise for daring to speak to someone like that and be so disrespectful. Lots of ' who does she think she is, and how mum would have never spoken go her boyfriends mother like that. Brother pushed her to apologise though she said she knew she had nothing to say sorru for and is just finding it hard to bite her tongue.

That is pandering to her. She gets away with bad behaviour because no one wants to be caught in her 'fire'. Your DBro is lucky, if he was my DP he'd be an ex, making his partner apologise when his mother is in the wrong is just out of order!

You can't win, you'll never win. You'll be in favour, then out of it, then scapegoated, then in favour...same as everyone else. So either you have to accept that's how it's going to be and roll your eyes at her or distance yourself as much as you can. If you can't physically distance yourself then emotionally so it doesn't hurt so much.

PhaedraIsMyName · 02/01/2015 14:26

*Your whole family sounds a bit high maintenance - including you.

if you all don't really like each other then why put yourselves through all of this?*

I agree. None of you seem to like each other much and it all seems a bit of a drama.

So far as the New Year's Day big meal why did you pick a dish which was going to take hours to prepare ?. If I was entertaining on New Year's Day I'd have picked something easy like chilli or spag bol.

Re New Year's Eve don't you have any friends you could have spent it with?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 14:49

Op that is what they say, ask the girlfriend herself, I bet she will tell you otherwise, of course mothers partner is going to side with her.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 14:50

I agree it would be curry or spag bol for the masses and packet desserts.

Original poster

vintagecrap · 02/01/2015 14:56

I did get several invites which I turned down because I was hosting new years day.

More fool me.

Pulled pork is not much effort. Just needed to get it in the slow cooker hours before. ...not being hours of me slaving over a stove.

Chips. Corn on the cob. Home made coleslaw. Not difficult. .

Those were the words from the brothers girlfriend. She said she was ill and got sick of being harassed about saying sorry, so just did it..

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 15:04

Oh right, sorry I got confused, no but I bet girlfriend does think that it is very mad. Next year go out with those friends, and sod them, they can please themselves. Don't apologise, you are all enabling this behaviour and allowing it to continue. She never apologises to you.

Original poster

vintagecrap · 02/01/2015 15:06

She had a strop boxing day...

Dd had just come back from her dad's so she had a few presents to open. She cleared up the paper but left a tiny bit and mum started shouting ' oh for gods sake' at her... which of course I defended.

Then it was a present which needed batteries so dd went to get the screw drivers....One of those flaps with a screw... amd mum started shouting ' outside. Outside outside' I said no. We were just doing the batteries but as soon as I opened my mouth she just shouted ' out side ' over the top of me.

Dd had tears in her eyes and then mum stropped off upstairs.

Dd went to say sorru but she wouldn't even talk to her.

We all went to play a game... Mum refused to join in and went and sat in a different room to everyone else. .. then after wasn't really talking to me..so I said I was tired and should go home..

Fucking sick of it to be honest.

OP posts:

Spadequeen · 02/01/2015 15:15

By apologising to your mother, you are teaching your dd that it is ok to be a doormat, that it is ok to be screamed at, that you are at fault, when she will clearly see that you are not. As she gets older, she will question herself, just as you do now.

Is it really that bad to have no one that you'd put up with all this crap?

If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your dd

YouTheCat · 02/01/2015 15:17

Just the fact that she'd behave like that towards you child, who had done nothing wrong, speaks volumes.

What do you think your dd gets from the relationship?

Spadequeen · 02/01/2015 15:17

Omfg, just seen your latest post. Stop letting this woman treat your dd so badly. Would you allow anyone else to talk to her like that? Just because She's your mum doesn't allow her to do that, she will only get worse

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 15:20

What is fucked up behaviour teaching your dd? She is even behaving like that to your dd, do not apologise and distance yourself for your dd sake! Do it for her, she is the most important person to you, not your fucked up mother. Tge moment it starts affecting your dd, is the moment you draw a line in the sand and say enough of this shit, I am done!

Original poster

vintagecrap · 02/01/2015 15:29

Which is why we left. And I did say something.

Dd and I vowed after a awful day out last summer. .. which we invited them along to amd she threw a strop on... that we wouldn't invite them again.

We used to holiday with them...which we now also don't do.

And now we won't be doing celebrating either.

OP posts:

newyearsresolutionsnotforme · 02/01/2015 15:41

Glad you are no longer celebrating with her OP, but she's still able to affect you just by being in your life. It sounds like she's slowly being cut out, which sounds like it's for the best.

It is very unfair on your DD to be treated this way. You are all adults and can chose to stand up to her or distance but your DD needs you all to protect her. Better for you and your DD to be without this toxicity in your life?

Better to be alone, then to be surrounded by shit.

Original poster

vintagecrap · 02/01/2015 15:48

She had a go at dd when she was eating her xmas dinner. Said her table manners are awful.
They aren't. She is 8. They are like an 8 year olds. She put ' too much in in one go'

Mum had a go then had a go at me. Dd got nervous and then spilled a bit. I told mum to stop it and not to ruin the dinner and dd was fine.

And then I spilled a bit down my dress. On purpose.

OP posts:

newyearsresolutionsnotforme · 02/01/2015 15:50

Ditch the bitch. Sorry to be so succinct.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 16:05

Well op you know what to do for your dd sake, she cannit defend herself, you have to protect her. She sounds very nasty and it's now coming onto your dd, a second generation. Has she apologised to your dd, for her disgusting behaviour. I think not! She wants everybody to apologise to her, even if they have done nothing wrong, but does not apologise to anybody. That is so fucked up.

slithytove · 02/01/2015 16:07

You say you don't want to go nc as you are a lone parent without much family.

But no family is better than what you are going through. And what dd is learning and suffering.

Go nc. Not a big formal thing, just take this chance to drop off the radar. You've done it before, how did you feel then?

Spend that effort in trying to meet other adults, potential friends, ones with kids. Get to know school parents. Meet and adopt a grandparent! It can be done even though it's hard.

It wouldn't be harder than putting yourselves through this crap.

PhaedraIsMyName · 02/01/2015 16:14

I agree with Slithy

It is madness to turn down offers to spend NYE with friends so that you can slave at cooking a big meal which from the sound of it no-one will enjoy.

grumpyoldgitagain · 02/01/2015 16:19

But vintage has already said that childcare every other Sunday is needed

I guess you work every Sunday and they are split between your mother and ex

Think the keeping quiet and only using her for childcare as needed is going to be easiest option and just always have other plans the rest of the time

Limit contact to that which is beneficial

SaucyMare · 02/01/2015 16:37

my concern is how is she treating your daughter when she is there for childcare every other sunday?

did you enjoy your childhood?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 16:40

exactly saucy, just what I was thinking, if she is horrible your dd in front of you, what is she like to dd when your not there.

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