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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt by this or do i need to get a grip

198 replies

vintagecrap · 31/12/2014 20:15

We have a family new years day, have always done it and for the last 8 or so years i have hosted it.

My mother was hurt before xmas as my sister wasnt going to spend xmas day with her ( nor the rest of us) and yet again hadnt invited anyone over. Noone ever gets an invite as my sister ' doesnt do family, and if she does she has to have us all and she doesnt want that'

Anyway, mum was hurt over xmas and spent a good week complaining how nice it would be to be invited somewhere, I always contribute, i cook their ham and take 7-8 dishes and made mince pies to take too. Sister took nothing but still turned up and ate all of boxing day.

Mum said its not an issue for me as i have hosted xmas day before and im on my own and working crazy hours and i always do new years day.

She made a big song and dance over the fact that my sister was unfair to leave people out and she would never do that etc etc.

i find out that my sister has organsed a meal tonight, at hers, with my mum and me and DD were not invited.

I am very hurt, have said so and have been told im being discusting to even say im hurt and how dare i.

They said they wouldnt even think of asking me as i had been at work and they knew i would be organising things for the party tomorrow... which is for them!

Ive been in floods of tears.

OP posts:
grumpyoldgitagain · 01/01/2015 13:56

They probably know it's because of what they have done and are sulking about it being cancelled

Don't let there insensitivity get to you

Start thinking of you and your DD and doing things for yourselves first

Whatever you do you are in the wrong (and I know just how that feels) so fuck em all and please yourself

WoodliceCollection · 01/01/2015 13:58

OP, you're not hard work, they are being twats and owe you an apology. I know exactly how you feel- you have worked really hard to try and pull family together at the time of year, and like a lot of people (including me) you feel new years is a time you want to have company and be included, not left on your own at home with your daughter while everyone else is out seeing in the new year with friends and family. You have every right not to put yourself out for people who exclude you. The excuse that you work is utter shite, they could at least invite you and dd, or find some way to include you so you are not stuck home alone.

Lots of sympathy from me, and hope you have a better new year from now.

Nancy66 · 01/01/2015 14:00

I dint think I'm hard work.... but I do know if someone cancelled a party a few hours before it was due to start, and i thought it was likely because of something I had done.... I would call them. Or at least send some sort of reply

Vintage - those are the worlds of a hard work person!

YouTheCat · 01/01/2015 14:01

How? If I thought I'd upset someone I'd want to call them and apologise. I'd expect the same back.

That doesn't make vintage 'hard work'.

Nancy66 · 01/01/2015 14:03

it sounds like she cancelled a party to get a reaction - didn't get the reaction and is now unhappy that the expected drama didn't unfold.

I'm not saying her family aren't difficult or unpleasant but it does all sound like needless stress

grumpyoldgitagain · 01/01/2015 14:05

Sounds like she cancelled a party after being offended by family, excluded and upset.

Perfectly justified and a phone call or text from one of them to ask why or if she was ok wouldn't really be too much to expect

oneowlgirl · 01/01/2015 14:16

Hope you're ok Op. FWIW, I'd be hurt too - it's the deliberate exclusion & lying more than the actual event itself.

Glad you've cancelled today - the whole thing just sounds like such hard work. Life (especially with people who are meant to love & respect you) shouldn't be that hard & id be sorely tempted to just bin the lot of them.

BringMeTea · 01/01/2015 14:33

OP, I totally get that you would feel hurt by not knowing about the pre-NYD gathering and I think your sister has been a bit shitty. She deserves calling out on that. Your mum is another matter. I think after her 'Thriller' wedding debacle you clearly know she is high maintenance so not sure if you should be surprised by her attitude. Brave to call it off though and I hope you don't end up with extended 'fall out' from this.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2015 14:40

Even if op has a fallout, she can distance herself from them all, she is dammed if she does, dammed if she doesen't . Now next year, it will be a new start for op, that she does not have to do this anymore. It sounds as though she didn't really want to do it, but is scared of her mum and her dramatics. Please yourself op, sod the lot of em!

greenfolder · 01/01/2015 14:48

Just refuse to discuss your Mums "hurt" over your sisters behaviour. Been there done that. They are adults so leave them to it.

BauerTime · 01/01/2015 14:59

Families are, in the main, hard work. MIL had a strop the other day because DS had a massive tantrum on Xmas day when we were with her, but not on Boxing Day when we were with my parents. Apparently that's because he must 'like them more' (he is 16m). She then had a strop this morning because neither DH or I heard our phones at midnight and never replied to 'happy new year' texts immediately.

I cannot stand it when people see imaginary slights against them, it's so boring.

Just please yourself OP, you will never please them I guarantee it.

oneowlgirl · 01/01/2015 15:18

I don't think families are hard work - it's what you're willing to put up with & if you let people treat you like shit, then that's a personal choice but it doesn't have to be that way.

WorraLiberty · 01/01/2015 15:23

I disagree that families are hard work, mine certainly isn't and nor are my inlaws.

There is no forced fun, no 'must get together because it's Christmas', no emotional blackmail, no standing on ceremony and no martyrs.

Just a family who will get together if and when we feel like it.

This means we really enjoy ourselves when we do.

oneowlgirl · 01/01/2015 15:26

That's us too Worra (thankfully Grin)

WorraLiberty · 01/01/2015 15:28

They're lucky if I bother to get dressed when they visit Grin

ilovesooty · 01/01/2015 15:30

I wish my family had been like that (when I had one to spend occasions with)

They were bloody hard work, and the fact that they are now fragmented is a blessing from that point of view. I'd have loved to have experienced a happy relaxed family with no hang ups.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2015 15:34

Op has felt she has to do this for 8 years, does not feel appreciated. She has tried to get out of it but mum has kicked up a stink. Op what are you up to today, did they come. Next year, no more.

ilovesooty · 01/01/2015 15:36

I hope if they turned up the OP was out with her phone switched off.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 01/01/2015 15:49

They're lucky if I bother to get dressed when they visit Grin

Thanks for that image Worra Wink

Families can be hard work, we have very intense blocks of family hard work when we/they visit (due to distance) but mainly good fun.

alpacasosoftsnowgentlyfalling · 01/01/2015 15:49

Gosh it sounds like your mother is central in all this drama and is playing you off against each other and you are expected to pull all the stops out because your sister "doesn't do family"
So you are the scapegoat and being the nice person you are ,are overcompensating for your sisters selfish behaviour by ,being the one who keeps the family "glued" together - at your own expense.

Its really hard OP- I speak from experience, duck out of their games .

Original poster
vintagecrap · 01/01/2015 15:50

I was out. Am now home with dd, under a blanket, watching a film and will eat some of our feast later.

Got a text from my step dad sating how he is disappointed in me and he was ' fucking discusted at the way I spoke to my mother'

I did say that I didn't start the screaming or throwing insults around and had only called to say that I was hurt and what was going on.

He said that his mother is dead and he would give anything to spend the day with her.....

Which is obviously not nice for him but not relevant to any of this.

Of course what will now happen is it will turn all about mum and how hurt she is by what I did or that I dared to say anything in the first place. No one will tall to each other for a month. A sibling will call and beg me to say sorry as mum is so upset.and ill be told I have to do it to keep the peace.

And so it will continue.

I. Didn't cancel it for a reaction. I got up in the middle of the night to start cooking, I cancelled because it got to a few hours before the party and I had heard nothing from anyone. I'm not going to bust a gut getting it all ready for no one to then turn up.

I wish my family was not like this, but they are.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 01/01/2015 15:54

Vintage, don't apologise. Let them all stew forever.

ilovesooty · 01/01/2015 15:59

Your step father is a manipulative twat. Tell him to fuck off with his guilt trip.

ilovesooty · 01/01/2015 16:00

And I think you should let your mother rot before you apologise to her.

Original poster
vintagecrap · 01/01/2015 16:04

She won't ever say sorry for anything. Never has done, never will.

So, the longer I don't talk to her, the more upset she gets and then she is the injured party and I'm the terrible daughter inflicting pain on her.
It's happened a million times before.

OP posts:
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