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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hurt by this or do i need to get a grip

198 replies

vintagecrap · 31/12/2014 20:15

We have a family new years day, have always done it and for the last 8 or so years i have hosted it.

My mother was hurt before xmas as my sister wasnt going to spend xmas day with her ( nor the rest of us) and yet again hadnt invited anyone over. Noone ever gets an invite as my sister ' doesnt do family, and if she does she has to have us all and she doesnt want that'

Anyway, mum was hurt over xmas and spent a good week complaining how nice it would be to be invited somewhere, I always contribute, i cook their ham and take 7-8 dishes and made mince pies to take too. Sister took nothing but still turned up and ate all of boxing day.

Mum said its not an issue for me as i have hosted xmas day before and im on my own and working crazy hours and i always do new years day.

She made a big song and dance over the fact that my sister was unfair to leave people out and she would never do that etc etc.

i find out that my sister has organsed a meal tonight, at hers, with my mum and me and DD were not invited.

I am very hurt, have said so and have been told im being discusting to even say im hurt and how dare i.

They said they wouldnt even think of asking me as i had been at work and they knew i would be organising things for the party tomorrow... which is for them!

Ive been in floods of tears.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 09:23

Your sister has the right idea, of not hosting big family get togethers, she is clued up, now you don't host them either! Your away next year, and the next and the next.

Original poster

vintagecrap · 02/01/2015 09:35

I don't want to go no contact.
I've not got much family and I'm a lone parent.

No heart to heart with my sister will change anything. We have had many over the years. We all know the score.
Mum had a massive go at her boxing day over nothing. .. so I think my sister was probably just revelling being in favor for a short while.

I'll leave it for a few weeks because it's nice not to have to deal with it for a while.

I'm just not going to invite anyone to anything. ..amd just say I don't know what my plans are, which is what my sister says.

OP posts:

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 02/01/2015 09:40

Your mum is a pain in the arse.

Sounds like your sister is taking the best approach by buying into her drama as little as possible.

Your mum will only act this way while she has an audience. Stop giving it to her.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 09:46

Ok then distance yourself. Just be busy over Christmas and new year. Your sister has it in the bag, follow her lead.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 09:47

Exactly youllike be like your sister, or you will get trampled on. Break the cycle, if your mum wants the big family thing, let her host.

Original poster

vintagecrap · 02/01/2015 09:53

I'm not pandering to her though, which is why we are in this situation.

It's not just her, it's those around her too...

For example in the summer we were all playing a game. Mum was loosing and started creating, them saying she want going to play any more and it wasn't fair...amd she went on and on. Brothers girlfriend who normally doesn't say boo too a goose, got cross and told her it was just the game. Mum argued back amd started screeching. The girlfriend said she was out of order. She wouldn't accept that from any one else or even my daughter who is a child and that she needed to grow up.

Mum stormed off.

What happened was the girlfriend was pressured to apologise for daring to speak to someone like that and be so disrespectful. Lots of ' who does she think she is, and how mum would have never spoken go her boyfriends mother like that. Brother pushed her to apologise though she said she knew she had nothing to say sorru for and is just finding it hard to bite her tongue.

Brother and step dad fall for the ' how could they do this to me, I'm so hurt' bit...amd forget to look at the actions that got them to that point..

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 10:00

Bloody hell this woman has you all by tge short and curlies doesent she! She is nothing but a purtulent child. Omg re the game, how old is she 8! I woukdent put up with tgat behaviour from my 7 year old dd. Your brothers partner should nit apologise, she was spot on. Stop indulging this woman!

Whocansay · 02/01/2015 10:02

So don't play the game. All this tiptoeing round your mum hasn't improved anything for anyone. Ever time she does something, call her on it.

I appreciate you don't want to go no contact, but it's what I've done with one of my sisters. I got sick of taking the knife out of my back. She was never going o change and I suddenly realised that I didn't have to put up with her behaviour.

And back to your OP, YANBU. I would have been hurt too. It was a deliberate snub.

Squeegle · 02/01/2015 10:13

vintage, I do feel for you. It sounds as though your mum is SO unreasonable. I understand a bit of where you're coming from, my dad is similar, we all dance around him. My mother puts the onus on me to deal with it- so I feel guilty if I don't. Like you. My brother avoids the whole thing. Sounds like your sister is doing similar.

I know you don't want to go NC, but the problem is they'll never be the family you want them to be. I too am a lone parent, so for me I would love my family to be stronger, but I guess now I've realised it ain't going to happen, no matter how much I put in. Is there a way you can start to compensate for their lack? Join gingerbread for e,g.? Start to build a surrogate type of family? Only ideas , I do hope 2015 will be better. (Your step dad sounds a nightmare - how dare he???)

Original poster

vintagecrap · 02/01/2015 10:13

If you call her on it. ..then you end up with a situation like this..

I do this pretty frequently. Or if we are on the phone I will say she is being rude and I will speak to her another time.

But while other people are pandering to her, then nothing will change. .because she has the back up of them.

Like with my step dad.... telling me I am wrong to be hurt and I'm 'fucking discusting' for the way I spoke to my mother.

OP posts:

Squeegle · 02/01/2015 10:17

Question for you: what positive things do you get out of the relationship with your mum?

SaucyMare · 02/01/2015 10:27

you say you don't want to go NC(with your mum)

can you list what positives you get out of being in contact with her?

p.s. i fully get why your sister won't do family things i think she is quite sensible.

Bananayellow · 02/01/2015 10:28

They sound dreadful. It doesn't sound like they are going to change so the only thing you can do is change your own attitude to them. Try to let it wash over you. It's not personal, it's not you, so refuse to be hurt by their behaviour. Easier said than done but that's the only thing you can do. Accept they are crap and take them for what they are.

Bils girlfriend sounds lovely. Use each other to silently eye roll and support each other.

Original poster

vintagecrap · 02/01/2015 10:57

Exactly. It's just a reminder for me. Just in case I forgot.

I get support. . But if it's I'm towing the line or then it's thrown back at me if I step out if line.

So.. We went to hers xmas day. I get told in this argument that no matter how much I help it all falls down to the persons who's house it is In and it's a lor of work. I say nor to worry then we won't come next year if it's too much hard work... and she then goes mental at me over how dare I say that and I have a discusting attitude. Also she was put out because although I supplied the pigs in blankets, I didn't get 50 like usual ( because there were less people going to be there) and I didn't pre cook them ( because I couldn't get to the butchers to collect them in the run up so brought them early and put them in her massive chest freezer as ive no space in mine)

Can't win.

OP posts:

SaucyMare · 02/01/2015 11:00

support is a very vauge term (sorry to be useless)

do you mean babysitting, childminding whilst you work, or hugs when things go crap?

Original poster

vintagecrap · 02/01/2015 11:09

She has dd every other Sunday for Me.

Maybe one other babysitting every 6 months. I don't ask for more as it usually causes a drama.

She doesn't do tea and sympathy. Haha. She has always had it worse or wants to talk about her thing..but she will help practically, like she did cut my grass a few times some years ago. Or she will sometimes invite me along to days out.

She isn't all bad. Now I feel like a cow.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 11:13

Op it doesent sound like you get anything out of this relationship with her. Support and love with her is conditional, that you stay in your box and do as she says. I woukd rather some great friends I have chosen, than a toxic mother. Op food for thought for 2015!

Original poster

vintagecrap · 02/01/2015 11:17

Great friends are very hard to find as you get older. Even more hard when you are trying to balance working and being a lone parent. There isn't much time left over to cultivate anything much.

I moved here only knowing family. I have 'friends' for the odd night out. But not close friendships where we could spent times like xmas or even a Sunday roast together.

Mind you. I work every Sunday, but you know what I mean.

OP posts:

notauniquename · 02/01/2015 11:33

So basically you Christmas has consisted of. buying loads of food and being told it's not good enough because you didn't cook it.
cooking loads of food and being told it's not good enough because you didn't host it (and that means it's all stressful for your mum).
Having your sister turn up, having provided nothing, and eating all day.
your new years consisted of, not being invited to a family party, and finding out that your family basically decided that they'd like an evening without you. and lied to you and changed the subject when asked about their plans...
When you found out they said that they didn't invite you to do something nice with them, because they thought that you'd be too busy doing something nice for them.
And then being told that you were unreasonable to be annoyed about it.

I think that your pretty righteous in your annoyance at your mum!

I'd have cooked the food and invited friends for a last minute lunch!

It's a little unreasonable to be annoyed at your sister for not bringing stuff, I mean, I went to see family over Christmas, I didn't take anything, but still ate lunch...
It's unreasonable to have expected an invitation. -but not unreasonable to feel bad that you're excluded.

Original poster

vintagecrap · 02/01/2015 11:36

I'm not fussed she didn't bring food. Not my house. Not my problem :)

But you have summed it all up right there.

OP posts:

SaucyMare · 02/01/2015 11:38

could you afford proffesional childcare for every other sunday, as that seems to be all you get out of this relationship.

Original poster

vintagecrap · 02/01/2015 11:42

No where is open.

Her dad is now closer so could have her though. So that might now be an option

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 11:49

Exactly notaunique, they don't sound like they like op very much. Op I am sorry, I am failing to see how your mum supports and helps you, she causes more trouble for you than its worth tbh. The people around her are enabling such toxic behaviour. Please think long and hard, you can distance without going nc, and stand up to her, the first things first, don't apologise. If I were your brothers partner, I would never have apologised. You be assertive with her, I bet others will follow eventually.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 11:50

Your mothers partner is an idiot, how dare he speak to you like that! You are an adult, you don't have to take this crap.

Original poster

vintagecrap · 02/01/2015 12:06

She was pressured to apologise as it was causing mum stress.

I said to the gf does the brother see its all so fucked up and she says she doesn't think that he does.

Mums husband doesn't either.

OP posts:

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