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Original poster

to be hurt by this or do i need to get a grip

198 replies

vintagecrap · 31/12/2014 20:15

We have a family new years day, have always done it and for the last 8 or so years i have hosted it.

My mother was hurt before xmas as my sister wasnt going to spend xmas day with her ( nor the rest of us) and yet again hadnt invited anyone over. Noone ever gets an invite as my sister ' doesnt do family, and if she does she has to have us all and she doesnt want that'

Anyway, mum was hurt over xmas and spent a good week complaining how nice it would be to be invited somewhere, I always contribute, i cook their ham and take 7-8 dishes and made mince pies to take too. Sister took nothing but still turned up and ate all of boxing day.

Mum said its not an issue for me as i have hosted xmas day before and im on my own and working crazy hours and i always do new years day.

She made a big song and dance over the fact that my sister was unfair to leave people out and she would never do that etc etc.

i find out that my sister has organsed a meal tonight, at hers, with my mum and me and DD were not invited.

I am very hurt, have said so and have been told im being discusting to even say im hurt and how dare i.

They said they wouldnt even think of asking me as i had been at work and they knew i would be organising things for the party tomorrow... which is for them!

Ive been in floods of tears.

OP posts:
dwarfrabbit · 01/01/2015 16:12

But you always give in. This time, don't. Have a lovely time with your dd and reinforce for her what happy families should look like...Your ds and dm have acted like boorish and greedy cows. Step away and get on with living a normal life with normal rules.

alpacasosoftsnowgentlyfalling · 01/01/2015 16:14

Your Mother is abusive OP.

Really hard to hear but they are playing you.

You are not a terrible daughter - you sound really lovely.
Stop dancing to their tune, stop being the scapegoat .

Original poster
vintagecrap · 01/01/2015 16:15

I don't. ....We once didn't talk for 8 ish years.
I got married, moved away, moved abroad and had a baby all without her.

She would do well to remember this to be honest.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 01/01/2015 16:15

Don't give in. The longer it goes on the more used to it your family will get. And you'll get the relief of not having to deal with her. And if she never apologises and you never talk to her again so what?

grumpyoldgitagain · 01/01/2015 16:16

Your step father sounds like a twat

It may have happened a million times before but make this an end to it so it doesn't become a million and one

And if you are at a loose end next new year you are welcome here if you are anywhere near to make it possible

alpacasosoftsnowgentlyfalling · 01/01/2015 16:19

Sounds like NC is the way forward- what are you and your DD getting out of the relationship?
Nothing.

KatoPotato · 01/01/2015 16:35

Wait, what. A thriller routine?!

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2015 16:41

Vintage tgey sound mighty toxic, you are best distancing yourself from the lot of them. They don't give a stuff about you, they just showed that. Don't apologise, please yourself next year.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2015 16:43

You can do it again, no more, why did you get back in contact. They are playing a game with you, don't play!

Original poster
vintagecrap · 01/01/2015 16:53

Oh. It's too much of a story why she got back in contact.... basically I came back to the UK after separating with my husband. I had a 20 weel old baby and my dog. I was homeless and living out of a room at my dad's and my stuff was in storage while I looked for a house and a job.

She tells everyone I got in contact as I needed her. Not true. My sister begged me to see her and I did.

Every argument usually occurs when I assert myself out of the box she likes to keep me in or when I don't line up with where she wants me... which is needy and in a worse position than her.

Thing is, I'm not needy. Or on a bad position. Which is why we clash quite frequently.

OP posts:
flippinada · 01/01/2015 17:07

I really sympathise vintage. I'm glad you cancelled and hope you enjoy the rest of your day. Ignore your stepdad, he is stirring.

One of my friends has a family like yours; constant dramas and falling out over imagined slights.. and at the centre of it all is a toxic horror of a parent (and spineless enabling partner), gleefully stirring the pot.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2015 17:09

Go NC with her op, she sounds really toxic. She sounds like she is constantly hurt, wants everybody to do as she bids or she starts putting her weight about. What are you going to do?

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2015 17:10

I certainly know what I would do with a mother like yours.

slithytove · 01/01/2015 17:11

mother is dead and he would give anything to spend the day with her.....

Therefore nye would have a been perfect time to be together :) but clearly they disagree.

Just ask him that. "Then why didn't anyone want me there for nye"

Really don't back down, you've done nothing wrong.

flippinada · 01/01/2015 17:11

Btw part no mind to the folk telling you "like the drama". They're speaking from a position of blissful ignorance.

slithytove · 01/01/2015 17:11

Do you and your dad get on?

flippinada · 01/01/2015 17:14

Oh for an edit function. Hopefully you get the gist!

Aeroflot and sooty seem to have a handle on it all :)

Original poster
vintagecrap · 01/01/2015 17:17

Nope.

He dumped all his family for his new wife and his family.

None of us have been to his house since my dd was about 18 months. ...Dd is 9 this month.

I don't think he is ' allowed' to see his children. .He only phones when his wife isn't about. I'm the only one who sees him.... The others refuse to have anything to do with him. .but I only see him for maybe 30 mins a month. . And that's only for dd ' s sake.

OP posts:
Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 01/01/2015 17:26

I'm so glad you cancelled, and completely understand your hurt feelings. Bunch of ungrateful, self-centred bastards. Let them all stew - and so what if your mother is "hurt" - the only person who has caused that hurt is herself really, so fuck her.

I see you've done that before, so shouldn't be so hard to do again! And your DD is better off not getting involved in all this narc stuff, tbh, it's a shockingly bad example to give her (your mum and sister).

Hope you have a lovely New Year without your mad family (although is your brother ok? Maybe stay in touch with him and his GF if so...) and that things only get better for you. xx

Branleuse · 01/01/2015 19:15

you're not a bad daughter. Youre hurt. I would be too.
You dont have to put up with crap from people.

newyearsresolutionsnotforme · 01/01/2015 21:00

Your stepfather sounds like a prize prick with his manipulating, I wouldn't bother with him either. To be honest, sounds like like everyone panders to much to your mother and your sister is the favourite child. If you step back from all of them, let them come to you and refuse to accept to be used then you will be far happier. It will be hard at first but being free from them, from their drama, will be a great pay off in the end.

Don't let people manipulate you into making contact or amends, if your mother was decent then no one would need to use manipulations - truth would speak for itself.

outtahell · 02/01/2015 07:23

You know why I think your stepfather wants you to go crawling to your mother? It's because he's having to deal with her tantruming about "what you've done to her", same with your sister wanting you to resume contact in the first place - when you're around they don't have to deal with as much of her shit. It's always been the way with my toxic family which revolves around my abusive mother "just say sorry to her to keep the peace" is my dad's catchphrase.

It's pathetic, don't fall for it.

Original poster
vintagecrap · 02/01/2015 07:32

Thanks and you are right, that is probably part of it.

It's just all a bit exhausting and I really could do without it.

I know in the end I will have to say sorry. Though I will be saying sorry for being Hurt by them which makes no sense at all.

But ill leave it a few weeks and then stay distant for a while. It's just a reminder for me not to get to close I think. I'll just do things with dd and I and stop asking others if they want to come along too.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2015 09:03

Vintage you don't have to say sorry to,them at all, sorry for what. Op where's your backbone! Go NC with them and distance not blooming say sorry to them. Really if you do you are making your own bed and lie in it! This will continue every year and you will be a slave to them. stand up for yourself woman! I went nc with my toxic sister 15 years ago, absolutely wonderful.

Bananayellow · 02/01/2015 09:13

Ok it would be better not to say sorry at all as there is nothing to be sorry about, but if you can't face the repercussions then yes, sorry it came to this but please understand I felt very hurt and unwanted. How would you have felt?

If you know you are going to do this, what is the point of leaving it a few weeks? Can't you have a heart to heart with your sister? Don't accuse just say - this is how it made me feel.