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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt by this or do i need to get a grip

198 replies

vintagecrap · 31/12/2014 20:15

We have a family new years day, have always done it and for the last 8 or so years i have hosted it.

My mother was hurt before xmas as my sister wasnt going to spend xmas day with her ( nor the rest of us) and yet again hadnt invited anyone over. Noone ever gets an invite as my sister ' doesnt do family, and if she does she has to have us all and she doesnt want that'

Anyway, mum was hurt over xmas and spent a good week complaining how nice it would be to be invited somewhere, I always contribute, i cook their ham and take 7-8 dishes and made mince pies to take too. Sister took nothing but still turned up and ate all of boxing day.

Mum said its not an issue for me as i have hosted xmas day before and im on my own and working crazy hours and i always do new years day.

She made a big song and dance over the fact that my sister was unfair to leave people out and she would never do that etc etc.

i find out that my sister has organsed a meal tonight, at hers, with my mum and me and DD were not invited.

I am very hurt, have said so and have been told im being discusting to even say im hurt and how dare i.

They said they wouldnt even think of asking me as i had been at work and they knew i would be organising things for the party tomorrow... which is for them!

Ive been in floods of tears.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2014 22:25

Yiu do what you want op, Sod the lot em. Book a holiday next Christmas.

Original poster
vintagecrap · 01/01/2015 06:51

Finally heard from brother's girlfriend who said It would be best if I just did it as if I didnt I would never hear the end of it. So I set my alarm and got up at 1am to put the slow cooker on.

Didn't get even a happy new years text from any of them. So am hurt a bit further

certainly will not be doing this again next year.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 01/01/2015 07:09

If you're going to do it despite their behaviour that's your choice although why you'd respond to what your brother's girl friend said is beyond me. After all you'll presumably "never hear the end if it" next year either.

If you allow them to treat you like this this lack of respect is what you'll get unfortunately.

Original poster
vintagecrap · 01/01/2015 08:21

Brothers girlfriend knows the score. She's been with him 5 years and has plenty of run ins with my mother herself.

Next year I will just opt out of all of it.

To be honest though, since I still haven't heard a word I'm guessing it's staying cancelled.

OP posts:
DustInTheWind · 01/01/2015 08:26

'Noone ever gets an invite as my sister ' doesnt do family, and if she does she has to have us all and she doesnt want that'

I think I'm with your sister here. Get through today and then you've got a year to plan how not to do family next year. Your mother sounds dreadful.

Jodie1982 · 01/01/2015 08:33

I still wouldn't do it, bollocks to it.

Original poster
vintagecrap · 01/01/2015 08:56

I really don't want to.
They are due round in 4 hours..... still not heard a thing and damn if I'm going to call them.

House is an actual bomb site and I'm still on bed.

OP posts:
Jodie1982 · 01/01/2015 09:06

Well your a grown woman, do what YOU want to do. Tell them your going out with DD instead.
Why do stuff to keep others happy when they don't do the same for you? You've been terribly upset but have they bothered calling to see if your okay? I really wouldn't bother today, show them how upset it's made you. Go out with your Girl instead.

Original poster
vintagecrap · 01/01/2015 09:11

Isn't always thst easy though, is it.

I've made a stand numerous times. Doesn't end up making any kind of difference.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 01/01/2015 09:14

I think that your mum has sent a clear message that it is ok to leave people out. If you want to do this next year then just invite people you want there.

For now you need to decide about today. Did you leave it with them thinking you had cancelled? Think about how everything was worded because you run the risk of preparing everything while they think it's cancelled.

insancerre · 01/01/2015 09:17

This is why we live over 200 miles away from both our families
Now we just have to please ourselves
Its so nice to be able to just do what we want without being pulled in every direction

CinnabarRed · 01/01/2015 09:18

If you are going to cancel - and I would in your place - then you need to cancel it now. Send them all a round robin text confirming that you've cancelled, then turn your phone off (and take DD out later, if you feel up to it).

Happy New Year.

Original poster
vintagecrap · 01/01/2015 09:18

I said it was cancelled to my sister.

I said it was to my step dad and that I would speak to them today.

OP posts:
MyNameIsFled · 01/01/2015 09:19

I would go out with your dd so if they turn up it's an empty house. Family doesn't mean you can be rude to someone. Leave the mess (it will still be there later) and have a nice day

Original poster
vintagecrap · 01/01/2015 09:19

Literally just had a text from my sister saying happy new year.

That's it.

OP posts:
Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 01/01/2015 09:25

text them all to say dinner is off and have a nice day with your dd

Bananayellow · 01/01/2015 09:26

But your brother and girlfriend weren't invited either were they? I wouldn't take it personally. She didn't want to invite your mum either but was guilted into it. It's no reflection on you.

If I've got it wrong and they were invited, then I'd be massively hurt and would tell them where to go.

Tinkerball · 01/01/2015 09:26

I don't blame you for being hurt and don't think you are being over dramatic at all but it sounds like there are some odd family dynamics going on. Why should you go to all this trouble and who cares if your Mum kicks off or you don't hear gnd end of it?? You need to start doing what makes you happy.

lunar1 · 01/01/2015 09:26

You need to decide what you want to do then. They probably don't know if they should ring you or not. If it is still cancelled text them all to confirm then you can relax and enjoy your day. If you want to go ahead as you've started the food then call the person you are most comfortable with and arrange it. Don't let it spoil your whole day.

demoska1 · 01/01/2015 09:35

Happy new year!
Start this year the way you plan to be.....assertive and thinking of yourself and dc.
Not what everyone else wants you to do or what you "should" do to keep the peace amongst your family.
My sister is the same and it's taken me many years of heartache and bowing down to family demands to realise I was the fool. Not any more!!!!
Plan a nice NY day for you and dc.

riveravon23 · 01/01/2015 09:37

I do not have any extended family, so for the past 30+ years have not have had to deal with any invitations to Christmas or New Year. Therefore maybe I am projecting my own feelings onto this thread, but I can't help but think everyone is being a bit dramatic.

OP, I hope you had a nice day whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
vintagecrap · 01/01/2015 09:38

my brother wasnt invited but they knew he had plans with his girlfriend.

My mum and step dad were invited. it wasnt a big party, it was just my sister, her boyfriend, my mum and step dad... so, just 4 of them. It wasnt something mum gategrashed or guilted my sister into.

It is slightlyodd family dynamics, mum is a bit of a narcisist. She can be very difficult at times. She will throw a strop at the slightest of things and not talk to someone for months and then refuse to say sorry when it was her fault.

There is no point arguing with her, everyone has tried over the years, there is no winning, you just have to bite your tongue and get on with it.

OP posts:
urbinosparrot · 01/01/2015 09:42

I wouldn't be in "floods of tears" because I wasn't' invited for a takeaway on NYE with two people who sound as though they are very hard work.

But then this isn't about the actual evening, it's about all the background tensions in your family, caused largely by having a controlling drama queen mother.

In future, OP, save yourself hassle and concentrate on doing something fun with your Dd, never mind hosting for a family who sound ungrateful and odd.

Bananayellow · 01/01/2015 09:48

That was mean then. Why do t you ring sister up, say you felt hurt, see what she says and make decision based on that.

There is no point stewing over this. Talk about it to them. They sound very hard work.

diddlediddledumpling · 01/01/2015 09:53

while you say your sister wasn't guilted into it, it sounds like your mum is hard going and perhaps your sister thought this would pacify her. And your sister finds it stressful to have the whole family over, so just having your mum and stepdad was as much as she felt she could manage.
now I agree they all should have been honest about it, they've been quite childish really. But the event itself doesn't seem spiteful to me, just a solution to some pretty uncomfortable family dynamics.
your sister just said happy new year because she has no idea what else to say, she knows there's a problem but she's not grown up enough to address it. She could have said nothing at all....
so you could...

  1. still do dinner, mention that you were upset and felt left out last night, wait for someone to be a grownup and acknowledge that they were a bit rotten (this might not come, not your problem).
  2. stick with the cancellation, stay frosty with them for a while (you know better than me how long this will last.) do something with your daughter today.
fwiw, I'd do 1, and next year let them sort themselves out. you've looked after them on ny day for enough years now, look after yourself. families can be dicks, sometimes Smile