To think that kids from broken homes can be fine and happy and lead normal lives?

[westielover]

Wondering if I can get some accounts from others on whether I'm mad to expect this to be possible. I have a DD with my ex but he and I split up when she was two so she knows no difference and is 9 now. She's totally cool with having two homes and is very close to her dad and I and our respective new spouses.

My dsd is nearly 16 and has been my step daughter since she was 9 (parents split at 7) She is still incredibly angry about it and feels like her life is completely ruined and she will never be happy. She feels it destroyed her life and any hope she could have of being "normal". She is very angry at my dh and tells him often.

There was nothing dodgy about the break up. He left her, no affairs or anything, maintenance always paid. 50/50 contact for the first three years until her apparently complete and utter hatred of him and what he did when he "tore her family apart" finally got the better of them having a relationship. They now see each other once a week or sometimes less, for about an hour and he struggles to get anywhere with her without trawling through the ins and outs of how he has destroyed her life.

I don't want to drip feed so I'll say now that there is a lot of animosity from mum who also has never accepted what happened. But rather than go in to all of that I'd like to hear if anyone has experience of children of divorce kind of grieving the lost of their family unit, then moving on to become happy and stable people... dsd seems to believe dh and I are mental for even suggesting that she could move past it and be content with "her lot". He has suggested counselling/ family therapy/ talking to older relatives etc. to help her move on but she thinks it's pointless because "all children of divorce are broken people". Divorce is so common now, I can't believe such a huge proportion of the population are walking around seething with rage about their parent's divorce. Maybe she still needs more time.

I get that it's how she feels and I can't minimize that - what works for one won't work for another, but maybe someone could shed some light on how to get her to see her life doesn't need to be like this.

Actually, i think it needs to be said. This step daughter of yours would very probably have been OK had things been handled differently. Yes it is you and your DH's and her mothers responsibility that she is not. You canchose to take that responsibility and help her now by telling her that and asking her how you can help, or you can turn away and blame her as you seem to have for quite a while.
If i sound harsh its because i was in your dsd's shoes. My parents royally fucked it all up, It wasnt til they acknowledged that and really understood and accepted that they had emotinally overburdened me that I could see that, realise it wasnt all MY fault, and move on.
Someone needs to be the grown up here. I'd really encourage you to be that person, it may make all the difference.
(I now have a MUCH better relatinship with my parents, and with myself!)

I think you need to read the thread and focus on the replies that don't support what you already think.

As a child of a 'broken home' I can tell you that it can really and truly fuck up a person. Your DSD's feelings are entirely valid. Be wary of packing her off to counselling so she can learn not to have all these feelings which are so unfair on and inconvenient for you and your DH.

It doesn't matter how many people come along and tell you it will be okay because they know someone who wasn't fucked up by their parents' divorce. You will still be in your situation.

You have had some really excellent advice on this thread. Why not try to take it.

Sorry, i keep coming back to this and thinking about it again.
I thnk a lot of it is outting yourself in her shoes.
Take the 50/50 arrangement. Its sensible from an adult perspective...both parents get time with dd and she gets to see both of them every week, so every one wins. Except from a 7/8/9/10 etc year olds perspective its not oike that. Not at all.
You MISS the parent you are not with, you worry they will be lonely, youfeel guilty if youhave a good time without them, when you call them you try to subdue your excitement so they wont feel bad. You have to say godbye to your mum or dad every time you go back to the other house, and it hurts, because you know there will be a point during your time apart when you will need them and they are not there. You probably cry in secret most of the times you swap over.
Later, when they get a new man or woman and stepchildren into the mix it gets worse, because then not only do you have less of their time when you ARE with them, you are also the part time oerson in everyones full time lives. Your stepsibling gets to live with the parent you miss like mad, and that makes you sad, and jealous.
If you were an adult you would struggle to cope with that, as a child whose parents dont get it, , it mangles you.
Seriously, i could go on and on and on detailing why this chld is still hurt and needs you to understand why. That seven year old girl was still grieving for her old life a year into her parents split. She'd lost everythng she knew, and if she had a mother who didnt deal with it well then she needed your DH even more...still does.

It isn't the divorce/breakup itself but the appalling way a child's parents treat one another on breaking up. If parents were scrupulously respectful, children would take the necessary emotional adjustments in their stride.

Sadly I've seen previously lovely people become totally deranged and their children are the collateral damage.

We need to educate ourselves about how to break up kindly. Even when it's not what you want.

An amazing description from the DC's perspective TheWindowDonkey you should write a blog.

I/we suddenly moved house and schools at age 11 (from my childhood home) - it was horrible, though survived, how much more awful if your DPs split too. You flag up all the 'little' things TheWindowDonkey but so important to a child.

TheWindowDonkey That is all so true.
Many expect children to get on with it, it is inconvenient if they don't. It is easier to claim they are awkward or dwelling on it rather than acknowledging that everything they feel and the way they are acting those feelings out is down to the adults involved. Acknowledging that makes them feel guilt so they blame the child.
I feel wary of comparing divorce to bereavement but I do believe it is a type of bereavement. They are going through a period of change where they have lost the secure unit they had before and the relationship they had with both parents. Before divorce child-parent relationships are often effortless and natural, after divorce they are frequently forced and awkward when the child visits the parent they no longer live with.
You would not expect a child who was bereaved to 'stop dwelling on it' and move on. You wouldn't condemn them or judge them for being angry or saying that life will never be the same again.
You really need to change your attitude that subtly comes out in all your posts. Her feelings are inconvenient to you and her dad. You need to re-frame her as that bereaved child, a bereaved child who for years has had her feelings ignored, crept around trying to keep peace and expected to get on with it. Stop comparing her to your DD who probably inside has similar feelings which may come out when she is 16 and trying to form her identity and understand it all just like your DSD is trying to.

Thanks again everyone. I've taken lots of advice. Which bits have I ignored? I know all about how hard it was/ is. I get it. I totally do. I've said I believe that everyone in my family deserves to be happy.
We can't be (including her!) until we all find ways of dealing with what has happened. Or, maybe, she (and therefore we too) are condemned to lives of misery. Which answers the original question of my post really doesn't it. Maybe there's no hope for this child "getting over" her anger.

My husband will never ever stop listening to her and being there when she wants him there. He takes all the shouting and anger and will always do that. I'm really thankful to the posters who have given me some brilliant ideas to suggest to him for their next meeting which may empower both of them to get past that first conversation which has been repeated approx 567 times in the past 8 years. That alone would be a result.
I'm unable to do anything that's been suggested in the way of "being the adult" or helping her directly as she refuses to see me. I can't make her see me. If I message her or call it is harassment I am told.