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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that kids from broken homes can be fine and happy and lead normal lives?

207 replies

westielover · 26/12/2014 22:28

Wondering if I can get some accounts from others on whether I'm mad to expect this to be possible. I have a DD with my ex but he and I split up when she was two so she knows no difference and is 9 now. She's totally cool with having two homes and is very close to her dad and I and our respective new spouses.

My dsd is nearly 16 and has been my step daughter since she was 9 (parents split at 7) She is still incredibly angry about it and feels like her life is completely ruined and she will never be happy. She feels it destroyed her life and any hope she could have of being "normal". She is very angry at my dh and tells him often.

There was nothing dodgy about the break up. He left her, no affairs or anything, maintenance always paid. 50/50 contact for the first three years until her apparently complete and utter hatred of him and what he did when he "tore her family apart" finally got the better of them having a relationship. They now see each other once a week or sometimes less, for about an hour and he struggles to get anywhere with her without trawling through the ins and outs of how he has destroyed her life.

I don't want to drip feed so I'll say now that there is a lot of animosity from mum who also has never accepted what happened. But rather than go in to all of that I'd like to hear if anyone has experience of children of divorce kind of grieving the lost of their family unit, then moving on to become happy and stable people... dsd seems to believe dh and I are mental for even suggesting that she could move past it and be content with "her lot". He has suggested counselling/ family therapy/ talking to older relatives etc. to help her move on but she thinks it's pointless because "all children of divorce are broken people". Divorce is so common now, I can't believe such a huge proportion of the population are walking around seething with rage about their parent's divorce. Maybe she still needs more time.

I get that it's how she feels and I can't minimize that - what works for one won't work for another, but maybe someone could shed some light on how to get her to see her life doesn't need to be like this.

OP posts:
Quangle · 27/12/2014 00:15

Yup Spero. That's why the OP wants examples of people who did the right thing by getting a grip and getting on with life so we can all agree this child is wasting her own life. Sad.

velvetspoon · 27/12/2014 00:17

I think it depends on the children involved, and what they think they have lost.

My DC were never that close to their dad when we were together, and we did nothing as a family. They never really saw us getting on well, they heard a lot of arguing and were aware we were both pretty unhappy. And that once we split, we were happier and better parents to be around. They are teens now, and whilst they can be little sods at times, I think they'd be no different in a 2 parent family.

Conversely those children I know who thought their parents were happy, had lots of great family time til one day out of the blue the parents started living in separate houses....those children had a much harder time, and railed against the family they lost. Some have found it easier when both parents re established family units with a new partner. For others that new family stuff just made them sadder about the loss of their original family.

A lot can also depend on their peers. In my DC primary year, there wasn't one other separated family, indeed in DS1s year even before I split with their dad we stood out as the only unmarried couple!

Spero · 27/12/2014 00:18

Especially as she won't have therapy.

So it really is all her fault is it? I hope to god no one has said this to her.

People can survive any number of damaging horrible experiences - provided they have at least one person they know and trust to love them and put them first.

This poor child doesn't seem to have ever had that. And no adult in her world seems to understand. No wonder she is furious.

Quangle · 27/12/2014 00:19

Your job as the adults involved is to listen. Even if you have to listen for another eight years. Or sixteen years. Or whatever. Listen and try to understand and be supportive and recognise her vulnerability and take responsibility where're appropriate and stay engaged and not write her off just because you've been listening for eight years. This is what parenting looks like

Original poster
westielover · 27/12/2014 00:22

Quangos these no need to talk about me as if I weren't here. She is wasting her life being so angry all of the time. I've not suggested that it's her fault. Not at all. It's just a sad situation that I'd much rather she wasn't in. I care about her a lot. I've watched her grow up and had her living here for half the time for years.
I've sat with her in hospital after she's overdosed and driven the streets at night time to bring her home when she's gone off.
I'd like to know that it's not all my husbands fault simply because he decided to divorce her mother and I suppose the only way to know that is to know that for others, divorce doesn't spell the end.

OP posts:
Spero · 27/12/2014 00:24

Sadly Quangle, I don' t think anyone has been listening for 8 years. I suspect its been 7 years of gritting teeth and making it clear to her that she really ought to be over it by now.

there is always hope. But it requires authentic engagement with her pain, which is real to her. That doesn't mean you have to agree with her or pussy foot around her at all times. But the starting point must be that it is real to her and that you understand that.

Spero · 27/12/2014 00:26

Op, I really think the problem is that you are approaching this as trying to find a way to absolve your husband of guilt. And I bet she can see this.

I don't think anything is ever 100% one single person's fault. But trying to apportion/dodge blame is rarely helpful.

Quangle · 27/12/2014 00:27

You need to stop trying to prove your point. That's why she's shouting. No one is listening.

Yes of course she can go on to be fine but she needs to process this first and actually it sounds pretty tough because it sounds like she isn't anyone's top priority (I was top priority for my mum and that is 99pc of the reason why I'm together and happy now). It's good that you care about her but everyone needs to stop trying to deny her reality right now - and that is what you are doing on this thread. Maybe with the best of intentions but that's what's happening.

Original poster
westielover · 27/12/2014 00:29

In fact, Spero, you may have stubbed upon something there for me. See she is listened to by her mum who wholeheartedly agrees with the notion that when they got divorced their lives were destroyed along with any hope of ever being happy. Maybe that's why dsd is so angry with her dad. Because although he listens and listens and he understands it was hard, he also suggests that there is a lot to be happy about and thankful for and that her life isn't over.

I can't get my head around that really though. I mean when my dd worries or is sad, I hear her and understand her but I also encourage her to " put things in a box" you can't carry misery and anger around for ever surely. Even grief counsellors take the view that there's a time to move on...

OP posts:
Original poster
westielover · 27/12/2014 00:32

I guess you'll say it's too soon though.

Maybe.

Okay, thanks for all the advice. There's nothing I can do any way. She won't even speak to me these days and even if she did, she needs professional help. Not me.

OP posts:
velvetspoon · 27/12/2014 00:33

So within a year of the out of the blue separation of her parents, she was introduced to their various new partners - and then a year later you and her father were married? And you don't think that was too quick/ see why she struggled with it?

What's done is done. But I think you rushed it. And her father reducing contact wasn't a good idea,must seem to reinforce that she wasn't that important to him Sad

Original poster
westielover · 27/12/2014 00:33

He didn't reduce contact. She did. But thanks for replying

OP posts:
Quangle · 27/12/2014 00:35

Ok well you can't control what her mum is or isn't saying to her. But actually children aren't idiots. In the end they will form their own view. If your DH is steadfastly there for her, resilient, truthful and loving, she will see the fact of that when the teenage storms have passed. He needs to have some faith in his input as a parent - if he really does put in the time, the commitment and the love needed. And that might mean helping her through this, painful as it is for him. But there's no shortcut and certainly the least of your worries should be whether he gets a fair apportionment of blame. If she's as troubled as you say, he's got bigger problems to deal with than that.

Original poster
westielover · 27/12/2014 00:39

Thanks. It's natural that he'll blame himself. And I think natural as a person who cares about him that I want to elevate the guilt for him.

He's keeping to the weekly meeting (when she shows up) so hopefully she'll see from that that he wants to see it through and be there for her. But it always descends in to "it's all your fault my life is ruined" so there aren't really any positive steps of any note as far as he/ we can see.

OP posts:
Spero · 27/12/2014 00:41

I hope she can find peace and happiness at some point.

I disagree with you when you say she is 'listened to' by her mum. I bet she isn't at all. Sounds like her mum is just using her as a receptacle for her own bitterness.

I do understand the frustration engendered by someone determined to wallow in their own misery. There are some people like that. Maybe she is one of them.

Or maybe she is still on some level a very unhappy and frightened 7 year old who has learned a very sad lesson about where she comes in other people's priorities.

Original poster
westielover · 27/12/2014 00:43

I hope she can too

OP posts:
MerryInthechelseahotel · 27/12/2014 00:45

Her mum had several relationships quite soon after

She'd already met two new partners on her mums side by then though

I can see why two new partners with mum very quickly

Maybe the relationships her mum had so fast impacted more than if realised.

Fgs stop obsessing about the ex wife

Quangle · 27/12/2014 00:47

Has he had any advice from a professional about how to shift the dynamic?

I get that you want to alleviate the pressure but I really think that makes things worse. Now it's important for him and you that she's wrong and misguided. She sounds like a madam ATM but I think the best thing you could do is support him in his efforts to remain connected, keep plugging away. And start a thread on what advice might be available for him to help him continue to keep the dialogue open.

ProcrastinaRemNunc · 27/12/2014 00:54

In short, yes, this could destroy her entire life.

It sounds as though she really does need help with this. Thinking that so many years on, she should be 'over it' is quite naive and with respect, ignorant. It is ignorant to the clear fact that she has been damaged, by what was an enormously significant trauma in her life.

Of course not everyone will be affected in this way but there is no denying that she is and there is no magic solution. If this continues, she's quite likely to remain hurt, bitter and confused.

I understand the idea of counselling has been floated. To many teens, this sounds like torture. A mortifying event during which she will have to divulge all to a stranger - worse still, an adult! The very group which she has come to mistrust.

I'd approach a local YMCA, to find out what support they might be able to suggest. They are usually best placed to help teens and to advise the most 'teen friendly' means of support.

ProcrastinaRemNunc · 27/12/2014 00:54

In short, yes, this could destroy her entire life.

It sounds as though she really does need help with this. Thinking that so many years on, she should be 'over it' is quite naive and with respect, ignorant. It is ignorant to the clear fact that she has been damaged, by what was an enormously significant trauma in her life.

Of course not everyone will be affected in this way but there is no denying that she is and there is no magic solution. If this continues, she's quite likely to remain hurt, bitter and confused.

I understand the idea of counselling has been floated. To many teens, this sounds like torture. A mortifying event during which she will have to divulge all to a stranger - worse still, an adult! The very group which she has come to mistrust.

I'd approach a local YMCA, to find out what support they might be able to suggest. They are usually best placed to help teens and to advise the most 'teen friendly' means of support.

ProcrastinaRemNunc · 27/12/2014 00:54

In short, yes, this could destroy her entire life.

It sounds as though she really does need help with this. Thinking that so many years on, she should be 'over it' is quite naive and with respect, ignorant. It is ignorant to the clear fact that she has been damaged, by what was an enormously significant trauma in her life.

Of course not everyone will be affected in this way but there is no denying that she is and there is no magic solution. If this continues, she's quite likely to remain hurt, bitter and confused.

I understand the idea of counselling has been floated. To many teens, this sounds like torture. A mortifying event during which she will have to divulge all to a stranger - worse still, an adult! The very group which she has come to mistrust.

I'd approach a local YMCA, to find out what support they might be able to suggest. They are usually best placed to help teens and to advise the most 'teen friendly' means of support.

ProcrastinaRemNunc · 27/12/2014 00:55

I'm sorry. My phone keeps +++++posting!

ProcrastinaRemNunc · 27/12/2014 00:56

I'm sorry. My phone keeps +++++posting!

ProcrastinaRemNunc · 27/12/2014 00:56

I'm sorry. My phone keeps +++++posting!

adiposegirl · 27/12/2014 01:01

8 years has passed and the child is still so very angry?... Could she have been the victim of sexual abuse by one of her mothers ex partners? Could explain why she is so hostile towards her father- she blames him for it?