To think that kids from broken homes can be fine and happy and lead normal lives?

[westielover]

Wondering if I can get some accounts from others on whether I'm mad to expect this to be possible. I have a DD with my ex but he and I split up when she was two so she knows no difference and is 9 now. She's totally cool with having two homes and is very close to her dad and I and our respective new spouses.

My dsd is nearly 16 and has been my step daughter since she was 9 (parents split at 7) She is still incredibly angry about it and feels like her life is completely ruined and she will never be happy. She feels it destroyed her life and any hope she could have of being "normal". She is very angry at my dh and tells him often.

There was nothing dodgy about the break up. He left her, no affairs or anything, maintenance always paid. 50/50 contact for the first three years until her apparently complete and utter hatred of him and what he did when he "tore her family apart" finally got the better of them having a relationship. They now see each other once a week or sometimes less, for about an hour and he struggles to get anywhere with her without trawling through the ins and outs of how he has destroyed her life.

I don't want to drip feed so I'll say now that there is a lot of animosity from mum who also has never accepted what happened. But rather than go in to all of that I'd like to hear if anyone has experience of children of divorce kind of grieving the lost of their family unit, then moving on to become happy and stable people... dsd seems to believe dh and I are mental for even suggesting that she could move past it and be content with "her lot". He has suggested counselling/ family therapy/ talking to older relatives etc. to help her move on but she thinks it's pointless because "all children of divorce are broken people". Divorce is so common now, I can't believe such a huge proportion of the population are walking around seething with rage about their parent's divorce. Maybe she still needs more time.

I get that it's how she feels and I can't minimize that - what works for one won't work for another, but maybe someone could shed some light on how to get her to see her life doesn't need to be like this.

It's understandable your dsd feels the way she does. Your dh selfishly picked his own happiness before that of his child's.
Disclaimer I don't think everyone who divorces is selfish.

Westielover, she might indeed need professional help... but yes, actually she does need you too. Even though she's not speaking to you at the moment, and even though she's so hostile to her dad. Your role as her dad's partner makes you very important in her life, and she needs your attention and affection, even though she repays you with anger.

There's lots of research about children's hostility towards the partner who left the marriage, even if the one who left wasn't the one who cheated/abused/fell out of love/whatever.

Some people characterise leaving as selfish, and sometimes it is; but often it's not at all, and frequently it takes both partners to break up their marriage. The point is that whatever the reason for the divorce, the partner who moves out of the family home is often the one who takes the brunt of the children's anger.

If your stepdaughter refuses therapy, all you can do is respect her decision and be prepared to demonstrate your love for her whenever you can. There is no easy answer and no easy solution to your situation, and there's no one who deserves the blame. It's just hard, and the only course of action is to offer her all the support you can.

I'm not sure sorcha. A counsellor who I saw suggested that maybe dsd felt that the love I showed her made her worse because it highlighted how I'm not the one she wants it from.

We've had a lot of advice about how to manage the no contact and how DH can establish this again. This thread was kind of a final straw to be honest. A "Come on, really? Does life have to be like this and must he go on being punished for leaving an unhappy marriage"?"

In this case I think we've established that although kids can go on to be happy and balanced, it's all down to the behaviour around the divorce and as it's been so fraught for dsd I actually don't think she'll ever get past it.

Needaholidaynow I'm so pleased to hear a happy story. Maybe some of us are built to deal with things, others a fortunate to have supportive friends that get you through. I've never been a dwelller or a woe is me and as others have said, it can be hard when someone won't take the help offered to them to help them deal with things. It's as though they enjoy the misery. I know that's not true but you know what I mean.

I grew up in a single parent family, Dad left when I was a baby. I had a stable, happy home.

It has affected my self-esteem - I thought as a child that my dad visiting depended on my behaviour (my mum never suggested this) - I guess from a young age I thought my dad's love was conditional. When he continued to let me down, it just made me think I wasn't good enough. I may have had low self-esteem anyway though.

I have a 'normal' life though - good education, good job, long-term relationship etc. I do have anxiety issues but I may have had them anyway.

I think children who grow up with two parents who have a dysfunctional, abusive relationship are much worse off.

I think one of the critical things that jumped out at me was losing her home as well as her parents splitting. My ds is passionately attached to our house and would be distraught if we moved even though it is a bit of a struggle on my own. If the ex has blamed the loss of the family home on dad that could be part of it. My ds would never forgive his df in that situation.

My parents split when I was 9, my mum remarried when I was 12.

I'm 26 now and can honestly say my life has been better for the fact they split. I sometime marvel at the fact they were ever married.

Yes some can if they have adults that put the child first and can conduct themselves properly in front of the children.

Sadly many play games over access, have new partners that the children don't like and if more children come along they feel out of place as very few can love and treat a step child the same as their own child.

She sounds like she needs decent professional help before she reaches adulthood.

My parents split up when I was 7, and I was well into adulthood before I was ok with it. It messed up my primary school years very badly (I went from being happy and self confident to feeling insecure and desperate for affection, which the other children picked up on and responded to with mildly bullying behaviour, as I think I became annoyingly clingy to the people who had been my friends up until that point).

I now have a very good relationship with my dad, but that is mostly because he worked bloody hard to keep it going even when I was less than appreciative. I didn't trust him not to abandon me, and I honestly think that it took about 15 years of him visiting, talking on the phone, sending thoughtful gifts etc before I trusted that he would stick around and be a part of my life.

Mustbetimeforacreamtea - yes that is definitely one of the things she is very angry about. And the loss of being able to play with her local friends.

Having read the last two pages now, I agree with other posters that maybe she's just not feeling heard. Maybe instead of rationalising it all her father should just keep saying 'i'm sorry, i'm sorry' but in response to what she has just told him, really having listened.

My parents are still together but I definitely had that not listened to thing with them, and still! it is what causes me to go over things. 'old ground' to them but they have just never, ever, ever acknowledged it and so I bring it up every now and then.

Luckily my children were very young when their parents split. So young they had no concept of what normal was.

"Come on, really? Does life have to be like this and must he go on being punished for leaving an unhappy marriage"?"

So even this far into the thread, this is still all about your DH, and how inconvenient her anger is for him?

I don't think I've given that impression. It's not all about him. It's a sad situation for everyone.
But yes believe it or not I am sad that my husband is living through this and wish he didn't have to. I don't see how that is shocking.
It isn't to the exclusion of pity for her.

Yes I don't think there's much listening even on this thread. I think the OP wants evidence that smart people can get over it and that if you can't then you don't have a good attitude.

OP having children is endlessly difficult and puzzling. Sometimes they don't react as you think they would or should. They are their own people. Raising your dsd is a lifelong endeavour and she will go through many different phases in her life and your job is to interpret, guide and support.

And btw he's not "being punished". He's being a parent. That means it's not always great. In fact it's often awful. But you take it on the chin because as a parent your job is to be stronger.

broken home - fuck off

I'm listening. I get it, she's still angry about lots of things and isn't in a place where she is able to or wants to seek help or try to make things any different.
But I can see that there are people who don't feel this anger. so clearly, it wasn't a forgone conclusion that Dh's actions in leaving the marriage would result in a child/teen with such dramatic issues. It's the subsequent events that have caused this. And if these were worked on then it could be different, couldn't it. As it is for other children of divorce.
That's what I wanted to know. Hes been starting to believe the constant assertion that all this had to happen the day he chose to end the marriage. But it didn't.

Sorry passmethechoc I had no idea that phrase was contentious, I thought that's what people called it. I apologised earlier for any offence.

You've given precisely that impression. Whether or not you meant to.

From DSD's point of view, her dad has his nice life now.

And broke her life to get it. Broke up her family. Took away her home. Took her away from her friends. Made her shuttle between houses. Created the situation where she was putting up with her mum's boyfriends (even if she blames her mum for that as well).

And now her dad has this lovely life, but the only thing wrong with it is that she is unhappy. He's trying to get her to give up the reality she experienced and play along, so that he who has everything can have even more, and she who has given up everything must give up her own reality so that he can be even happier.

And every time she tries to point this out, her dad tells her how much better life is since the split. How much better HIS life is, not hers...

If he'd acknowledged her hurt from the beginning, and that it was shit for her, you wouldn't be where you were now. Given you all are, I'm not sure mere acknowledgement will do it.

But I AM sure that her dad's wife weighing in that she should get over her pain because it's interfering with her dad's happiness is not exactly an incentive. She knows perfectly well that her dad's happiness is being put above hers AGAIN, and that the primary aim of this suggested counselling is to make her more compliant to her dad's wants, not her own needs.

I can see why you want her to stop being unhappy.

Can you see why she doesn't?

Perfectly put pausingflatly

OP of course there are lots of people who don't feel this anger or at least don't appear to. But they are not your dsd so stop comparing. Because that's saying to her, on top of all your unhappiness there are other people who do it better so be more like them.

I am very happy now but I had a devoted mother - dsd doesn't. I am also not 16 which helps. Other people are other people and you are totally barking up the wrong tree by trying to benchmark her against others.

I'm an adult and look at my x's nice comfortable life in the same house was hard for me after I left! (and I knew I'd done the right thing).

I know it's different because I'm an adult but I was thinking about something my parents refuse to acknowledge and how I keep bringing it up all the time, honestly if they just said to be 'you are right, she was a bitch to you, we shouldn't still be friends with her, we believe you, it is disloyal of us to continue to be friendly with this woman'. If they said it and meant it I wouldn't still be bringing it up.

So I recommend your husband tries to 'listen-bomb' her, and not just say sorry sorry sorry like the string is being pulled in his back. Say sorry for the way she feels, acknowledge those feelings.

REading this I'm so lucky I left sooner rather than later. dc1 was almost four.

I was very damaged by my parents staying together when they should have divorced. I've still gone on to have a happy life and a great marriage. I don't see my dad any more but that's more to do with his recent behaviour than the way he was when I was a kid

Good man so often equals good father and the other way around. They are so linked. I left my x because he wasn't a good man and part of that was that (fairly unsurprisingly) he's not a particularly good father. It's not the break up that caused him to be a not good man or a not good dad.

It's one of my big regrets that you can't sort out a good father for your children after they're born. Most of the time you live and learn and that's enough but it's the one lesson where living and learning doesn't quite make up for it.

The only thing I will say for my children and the generation they are in, in my daughter's class a fifth of the children's parents are no longer together (some never were) so my dd doesn't feel that she's particularly unusual.

But I AM sure that her dad's wife weighing in that she should get over her pain because it's interfering with her dad's happiness is not exactly an incentive. She knows perfectly well that her dad's happiness is being put above hers AGAIN, and that the primary aim of this suggested counselling is to make her more compliant to her dad's wants, not her own needs.

What pausing flatly said.