To think that kids from broken homes can be fine and happy and lead normal lives?

[westielover]

Wondering if I can get some accounts from others on whether I'm mad to expect this to be possible. I have a DD with my ex but he and I split up when she was two so she knows no difference and is 9 now. She's totally cool with having two homes and is very close to her dad and I and our respective new spouses.

My dsd is nearly 16 and has been my step daughter since she was 9 (parents split at 7) She is still incredibly angry about it and feels like her life is completely ruined and she will never be happy. She feels it destroyed her life and any hope she could have of being "normal". She is very angry at my dh and tells him often.

There was nothing dodgy about the break up. He left her, no affairs or anything, maintenance always paid. 50/50 contact for the first three years until her apparently complete and utter hatred of him and what he did when he "tore her family apart" finally got the better of them having a relationship. They now see each other once a week or sometimes less, for about an hour and he struggles to get anywhere with her without trawling through the ins and outs of how he has destroyed her life.

I don't want to drip feed so I'll say now that there is a lot of animosity from mum who also has never accepted what happened. But rather than go in to all of that I'd like to hear if anyone has experience of children of divorce kind of grieving the lost of their family unit, then moving on to become happy and stable people... dsd seems to believe dh and I are mental for even suggesting that she could move past it and be content with "her lot". He has suggested counselling/ family therapy/ talking to older relatives etc. to help her move on but she thinks it's pointless because "all children of divorce are broken people". Divorce is so common now, I can't believe such a huge proportion of the population are walking around seething with rage about their parent's divorce. Maybe she still needs more time.

I get that it's how she feels and I can't minimize that - what works for one won't work for another, but maybe someone could shed some light on how to get her to see her life doesn't need to be like this.

OP trying to resolve it for everyone's sake is failing to accept what she went through when she was 7. I have friends who went through this in their 20's and were hurt. She was only 7! Her pain needs to acknowledged. Nobody is listening to her. She is saying she is devastated and she is told that other people get over it.

At 16 she is probably going through one of the most complicated stages that she will ever go through. Teenagers in loving families who haven't gone through the trauma she has can go completely off the rails.

I find it hard to understand that the adults involved don't recognise the pain that a 7 year old would feel watching her parents split up, find new partners so quickly and move on. She was 7, of course she would feel abandoned.

Her father has repeatedly apologised but if he sees the situation the way you do his apologies are meaningless. He should accept that he screwed up by rushing into a relationship so soon and not prioritising her needs. He should have been put her needs first which I daresay got lost with the excitement of a new relationship followed by a new family.

You calling her pissed off is very telling. She is not pissed off she is a young girl who was hurt very badly and nobody is acknowledging what happened to her. She was on this planet for 7 years when it happened and the adults involved think there is something wrong with her because she didn't just get over it. I recommend that father speaks to her honestly and that everyone else looks closely at the role they played in overlooking her needs.

I actually think most of this could have been avoided if she'd have been told the standard patter "mummy and daddy are getting a divorce because we are arguing a lot and will be happier apart but we both still love you just the same" but it's waaaaay too late for that and easy for me to say nearly a decade later.

I think the difference between the two DC you describe is, as you say, your DD knows no different. Your DSD was brought up in one safe unit/environment and then at a really key point this was ripped apart and she was old enough to understand but not old enough to process it all. That leaves really long-lasting trauma.
16 is an age where things really bother teenagers - it is emotionally a very tricky age anyway. From my DDs experience I would say ride through it, support her and let her figure it all out and she will eventually reach a point where she realises the way to be happy is to build up her own life rather than dwelling. You seem a little frustrated perhaps? I think you have to see it from her point - her family has been 'broken' and that can't be undone. The place and people she loved and felt safe with are not that unit anymore and she hasn't felt safe or comfortable since. She has a lot going on inside her and she has probably hit the age she understands even more and feels even more anger that grown adults could let that happen (even if it was through no fault/no affairs). She has a lot to get her head around still - plus all the other troubles of being 16 (friends, boy troubles, looks, studies, popularity, identity). I think for my DD it was once she reached sixth form and other things (boys, uni applications, future plans, a more stable friendship group) came into her life giving her more stability. It took her mind off it and showed her life can be fun and good.
She will get there - please just try to not take the 'she needs to calm down and move on' attitude as she is just a hurting 16 year old trying to find her way in life... Lots of it is probably frustrations from other areas of life that she is playing out by blaming it all on the divorce. It is normal and not her fault. Be there for her, be nice and be patient!!

If you believe that a traumatised 7 year should have been dealt with using the 'standard patter' you are about as far away from understanding your DSD as you possibly could be.

You gotta love how things are twisted on these threads. I clearly don't mean that do I. I mean that had it been explained that way rather than "your dad is leaving us and it's the end of the world" them dsd could have escaped a lot of trauma. I don't think it's in the child's best interests to know that either parent has "left", unless they physically have and it's unavoidable.
But like I say, it's easy to say as an outsider from far away.

Ah yes t.he "I'm entitled to be happy" line trotted out by every self centred person justifying walking out to themselves. Given the ongoing impact this had on everyone involved telling his dd that it was all about making him happy is just going to reinforce her opinions.

So are we against divorce then? I don't really understand the direction this thread keeps trying to go in. Should he have stayed?

I know a fair few children whose parents divorced/separated. Only one doesn't have much of a relationship with her dad and that's because he was never that arsed about seeing her after her mum left him.

I grew up in a 2 parent family, no divorce and I consider myself fairly emotionally unstable, have made many life mistakes etc..

I have friends who grew up in shockingly dysfunctional families who are the soundest, happiest people ever.

Lots of children in the world cope daily with bereavement, divorce, illness, war, poverty...

At what point does a 16 year girl stop blaming her entire life on a single event. I mean, no one died. Her entire family wasn't killed by a bomb. She doesn't live in a refugee camp in fear of her life.

I might be harsh but I think she needs to be told as nicely as possible to get over it. Onwards and upwards....

Westie, you might get more sense in the stepparents section of Mumsnet than AIBU.

Have you considered that DSD is suffering from parental alienation syndrome (PAS)? Has DSD's mother become more angry and bitter as time has worn on? Does DSD tend to repeat everything that her mother tells her (being manipulated into hating her father?) I'd recommend a book called 'divorce poison' which explains about PAS as it's very difficult to deal with.

The main thing that you and your DH need to do is keep in contact with DSD as much as possible. Don't accept any abuse or rudeness but do keep talking to her and make it clear that you both love her and want to see her because you care about her.

My parents split when I was 3 my mum remarried when i was 5 my dad remarried when I was 8.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect me. Still dies, I think I had have major trust issues and build walls to protect me from becoming close to people

Your comprehension skills are not great are they? Nothing has got twisted as far as I can see. You asked for opinions and you got opinions. A lot of posters disagreed with you and maybe that is what is confusing you.

We are undoubtedly outsiders but from the replies it seems that most people on this thread have been through relationship breakdowns and have seen the impact it has had on their DC. A lot of posters just don't agree with you.

It's not the disagreeing that I have the issue with. It's the posts that keep cropping up saying he was selfish (read: wrong?) to have asked for the divorce and a kind of "well what did he expect when he did such a selfish thing?" Responses. Which don't seem relevant to me as I don't believe anyone should stay in an unhappy marriage. I thought it was pretty much accepted that divorce was in essence "okay". But I must have been wrong.

Ketchup - yes all of that rings true. I have been in the step parents board but sometimes it's better to get a broad range of opinions as step parents will probably see it my way and it seems anyone who isn't a step parent but who is on that board are there with an axe to grind.

Most posters think that he did not treat his DD sensitively when he left and that subsequently the adults involved have failed to recognise the impact that has had on a young child. This is not a debate about divorce.

I think your post points out where things go wrong. Amicable split without cheating, lying, money withholding, mind games etc and the child is usually well adjusted.

Bitterness and poisoning the child against one or other parent and you get an unhappy child.

I just wish all divorcing parents would both think about how their actions impact the child's future life.

I didn't think it was either but it seemed to turn that way a fee times. I don't really know what was so insensitive, other than meeting me a year later. I think he assumed because dsd was cool with mum having new partners that a year later was "safe". Insensitive maybe, yes.

I guess the rules were different for him. Had he known what the rules were maybe it would have been different. Although I'm not sure that many people would think a year is too fast. Hindsight is great isn't it

What's wrong with getting advice from people who've been through similar? Here everything will be seen by people who don't know what it's like being seen as wrong no matter how hard you try. Some ex wives struggle to get past their anger and hurt so much that they drag their children down with them too. while some animosity is normal in the first 2-3 years after separation, your situation is not normal. Please try the stepparents section on Mumsnet and also look at British Second Wives Club for far more realistic advice. I honestly believe you need help from stepparents who have been through the misery of PAS to really understand it.

I haven't seen my stepchildren for many years because of similar issues. I wasn't the OW but most abuse was directed against me by my DHs ex and children, so I gave up trying to have a relationship with them very quickly. My DH sees them on his own away from our home. You are a much better person than me by wanting to keep trying!

Thanks ketchup. I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything was wrong with it at all. I've had lots of help from the step parent board over the years. The question I had yesterday wasn't really specific to step parents and I thought I may be able to canvas opinions from all over on whether or not it was mad to think that divorce doesn't have to spell "the end" for any hope of a child's happiness. But of course, it always becomes something else doesn't it.
Lots of anger all round I think. Tragic really.

I would say just keep on being supportive and keep telling DH to be kind and considerate, OP.

How many people have the perfect stable family life we hope for? Very few ime.

I think you are getting a lot of criticism which you may or may not deserve. We each do what we think is best, depending on our own experiences, if what we do is wrong it is not necessarily due to selfishness or being uncaring.

At 16 your DSD might just be going through difficult teens and magically transform into a capable 18 year old in a couple of years. Try to get her to look at the future with her, uni, career etc. Hopefully your angst might be unwarranted and she might turn the corner herself.

Yes, it is tragic how damaging divorce can be and the extent to which people wish to minimise this in order to justify their behaviour.

Children can go on to lead happy lives, but there are always scars and it never goes away. The difficulty at graduation, the awkwardness at the top table for your wedding, the christening of your first child, your father's funeral. All made difficult and painful by your parents divorce.

If you haven't been the child of an acrimonious divorce, you have no idea.

I had a pretty shallow relationship with my father, who left when I was 10. I got over it and don't exactly "blame" him for my unhappy childhood and teens, but I lived with a depressed woman (my mother) and a fractured family where all sorts of little things had changed. Moving to a new house, for example, older relatives who took sides, not to mention the arrival of 3 half siblings when I was in my teens.

He was in an unhappy marriage and it was his right to leave, but yes, he definitely left me too and our relationship never recovered.

I think adults must take this on board and not simply expect their children to feel the same way about them afterwards.

Gordon Bennett OP. Nobody is saying divorce is wrong. But it causes damage and that's a fact. You want to leave a marriage - fine. Do it. But the children will be hurt by it and may be traumatised for a long time. What is selfish is to try to have your cake and eat it. To get divorced ( whoever's fault it was) and then to be aghast when there's pain for everyone afterwards. These things have a cost.

And you keep insisting that a new relationship after a year is fine. After all it was fine for her mum. Well no, none of it was fine. But you are insisting she should be fine because a year is long enough. Well ok. Good luck with that. I'm sure she'll come round to your way of thinking if you tell her often enough. You've had over a hundred posts showing you a different way of thinking about it and you're still saying "oh but it was a year later - she should be fine".

Mine was a different situation to your DSD's - it sounds like both her parents could have handled things better.

My mother finally divorced my alcoholic father when I was about 10, to my great relief. I had realised that he was an alcoholic since I was about 6, which is when I felt he left me - I had been a real daddy's girl and I found it all very traumatic. I never wanted to see him again - I couldn't cope with the fact that he loved his drink more than me.

But it wasn't until I was about 30 that I realised how deep and long-lasting an effect it had had on me. I was drawn to heavy drinkers and my ex was very like my father in lots of ways.

But I had a light-bulb moment nearly 20 years ago and met DH and I am generally fine and happy and have a boringly normal life now