To think that kids from broken homes can be fine and happy and lead normal lives?

[westielover]

Wondering if I can get some accounts from others on whether I'm mad to expect this to be possible. I have a DD with my ex but he and I split up when she was two so she knows no difference and is 9 now. She's totally cool with having two homes and is very close to her dad and I and our respective new spouses.

My dsd is nearly 16 and has been my step daughter since she was 9 (parents split at 7) She is still incredibly angry about it and feels like her life is completely ruined and she will never be happy. She feels it destroyed her life and any hope she could have of being "normal". She is very angry at my dh and tells him often.

There was nothing dodgy about the break up. He left her, no affairs or anything, maintenance always paid. 50/50 contact for the first three years until her apparently complete and utter hatred of him and what he did when he "tore her family apart" finally got the better of them having a relationship. They now see each other once a week or sometimes less, for about an hour and he struggles to get anywhere with her without trawling through the ins and outs of how he has destroyed her life.

I don't want to drip feed so I'll say now that there is a lot of animosity from mum who also has never accepted what happened. But rather than go in to all of that I'd like to hear if anyone has experience of children of divorce kind of grieving the lost of their family unit, then moving on to become happy and stable people... dsd seems to believe dh and I are mental for even suggesting that she could move past it and be content with "her lot". He has suggested counselling/ family therapy/ talking to older relatives etc. to help her move on but she thinks it's pointless because "all children of divorce are broken people". Divorce is so common now, I can't believe such a huge proportion of the population are walking around seething with rage about their parent's divorce. Maybe she still needs more time.

I get that it's how she feels and I can't minimize that - what works for one won't work for another, but maybe someone could shed some light on how to get her to see her life doesn't need to be like this.

I'm very firmly of the belief that families can be mended by separation/divorce, and it's keeping a dysfunctional relationship together "for the sake of the children" that "breaks" them.

I wish, wish, wish my mum had left my violent dad. I didn't expect my own divorce, but now I am in a much better relationship with ex than I ever was when we were together, and our DS benefits from this.

Agree with flatly too as far as I can tell what driving you to find a solution isn't her wellbeing but yours and her Dads

Edderkoppen, that's a huge part of it, isn't it? Just the acknowledgement.

No ifs, no buts, no "I'm sorry you feel that way..."

You can't make an omelette for yourself without breaking eggs. You have to acknowledge that.

yupp, and it's not confined to marriage breakup. I notice that with my parents (still married, still happy) My mum never, ever says sorry. It's a part of her personality. On Christmas day I said sorry to my son. I had forgotten to do something that I had told him I would do. I wasn't flagellating myself over it! I wasn't encouraging him to sulk! but I did say "sorry" to him. Just sorry for the specific thing that I had promised him I would do and then forgot. He said it was ok.

My mum observed this and told me off for apologising to a boy. Well, he's a 'boy' but we all rely on him to change the timer on the central heating and a milliiion other thigns! I thought it was interesting and a testimony to the style of her parenting of me. Never ever acknowledge fault. Never ever say sorrry. Not sure that I get it right all the time as a single parent mind you. It's hard but so far, saying sorry when I feel it hasn't done us too much harm

sorry, that was a ramble

Why are you so defeatist about her and saying her life is ruined? So she doesn't want therapy right now, most teenagers wouldn't -- it doesn't mean she's the 'kind of person who won't help themselves' I am really shocked frankly that you are thinking of her in this way.

She had NO choice in her entire life being uprooted, having to move, losing her friends, shuttling back and forth between parents, new partners on the scene within a year. That was all imposed on her. She's still angry because on the one hand her mum is still angry, and on the other her dad and his partner just want her to get over it already.

Hopefully when she's older she WILL go to therapy and her life will improve dramatically. Your job in the meantime is to help make sure she reaches adulthood, if she is ODing and running around then she needs proper help. That is far more important than how much guilt your DH should feel.

It doesn't matter whether the problem was in the split itself or the way it was handled afterwards, either way the adults in her life made some pretty bad choices and now they are paying the costs. That's how it works.

Not a ramble! Spot on.

I would recommend that you have a look at the British Second Wives Club where you will find useful help and support as well as posting on the stepparent forum on this site.

Sadly, your DSD has made the choice to blame her father for ending the marriage whereas it often takes two people to be unhappy in a relationship, especially if there were no affairs. Why isn't she angry with her mother too? You sound like a caring and nice person but unfortunately you can't change your SD's behaviour or attitude until she decides she wants to be happy.

I don't agree with the suggestion that counselling is for your DHs happiness. Talking to someone would make SD take some responsibility for her feelings and would deal with them instead of allowing them to destroy her. It's time for everyone to move on after all these years. Nobody's life was 'destroyed' - her parents got divorced. They both love her, care about her, provide for her and she needs to start believing it even though they aren't married any more. Surely she can't be the only person in her class/school year who has divorced parents!

'No such thing as a broken home. It's a poisonous, heteronormative, misguided concept. Please don't ever use it again'

who made you head prefect? Telling people what they can and can't say

My parents didn't divorce and I am not divorced myself, but like other posters I think that (a) she has lost something that she can see other people of her age still have, (b) she needs that to be acknowledged, (c) perhaps you and your DH should frame your answers around learning to accept and live with her loss rather than getting over it, and (d) she's still a child in lots of ways and perhaps even learning to come to terms with it is a bit ambitious at the moment, especially whilst she still lives with her obviously bitter mum.

I posted earlier but there is a lot more info since then.

I might be barking up the wrong tree but it sounds like you need to involve her more in your thought processes and trust her to be part of decisions and how they are arrived at.

I am in a different position, I am still with dh but I have a progessive disability, it's not just something that is part of my life, it is part of the lives of all my family and as a parent it is my job to accept that my children suffer for it and their upset and pain is as valid as my own.

We have big situations such as holidays and regular ones such as housework that we need to adjust to and negotiate and now the children are older we can chat as a family and weigh up a range of options and in doing so I make a point of telling them that I do feel bad that their lives are not like those of their peers and that I do appreciate the adaptations they have to make. They are entitled to feel like they have been dealt a bad hand but we can work together to mitigate as much as we can.

Has your DH ever acknowledged to her, properly, that he left his marriage (and, in her eyes, left her) because it was the best thing for him? And that the effect on her life is that she was, essentially, less important than him? Because I'd bet next month's salary that, from your DSD's point of view, she feels as though her grief and loss are seen by him as acceptable collateral damage for getting what he wanted.

Yes, the children of divorced/widowed/single/whatever parents can grow up to be happy adults. All that's needed is for their parents to put the child's interests first. There are myriad examples, both on MN and in real life, of adults who have been damaged by the actions of their parents, whether or not those parents remained together, and examples of adults who are happy and have a good relationship with their parents. The common factor in each seems to be how those parents parented, not whether they stayed together. It seems to be that your DSD's parents have been somewhat deficient; both of them, not just her mother. Sorry, I appreciate that's hard to hear, but your DH hasn't been doing his job properly. You can't blame a child.

Firstly Your DSD's situation is totally different to your own DD's and you are wrong to make any sort of comparison.
Secondly your DSD is entitled to her own feelings.It is not up to you or your DP to say whether or not she should be over it.She isn't.She can never get back those childhood years of hurt and sadness.How she feels is how she feels , she doesn't have to justify it to anyone! The truth is your DP does not want to face up to the enormity of the hurt he has caused his DD , it makes him uncomfortable.
My parents are happily married but i would have been absolutely devastated if my beloved dad had left when I was seven.I remember at school having a story about a child whose parents were divorcing and it made me cry for weeks after.

"Why isn't she angry with her mother too? "

What makes you think she isn't?

And is it somehow better if she's angry with her mother too? Better for whom?

I don't feel angry or cheated that my parents split, I feel angry and cheated because I was cast aside by both parents in favour of their new partners. This seems to be a common theme when parents split and the parents don't acknowledge it.

Has your DH acknowledged that she is entitled to feel angry? Frankly DSD didn't ask to be born and certainly didn't ask for her family to split (and to be moved from the family home and all her friends) looking at it from her point of view, don't the people who did this to her deserve to feel guilty? I'm not suggesting that your DH should have stayed with his ex, just that he had 2 shitty options and as an adult needs to acknowledge that his daughter was the only one to really suffer.

I didn't resent my parent's divorce. However, I suspect I would have resented it like crazy if new partners had been brought into the equation before I was mature enough to deal with it.

I was in a similar position as a child / teenager - my parents divorced due to them just not getting on any more.

Both my parents re-married and my mother had another child with her second husband - I lived with my mother and step father and younger half sister. I visited my father every Sunday with his new wife and her son - my step-brother.

To be honest I never felt like a full part of either family - my mum had her husband and their child and my dad lived with his "other family" and I was just a weekend visitor. It was very difficult growing up even though I was loved by both parents the circumstances were not ideal.

As an adult it was very difficult including both parents at Christmas etc and became even more difficult when I married my husband who's parents were also divorced!

It has made me less confident and slightly insecure as an adult as I always felt I had to try to "fit in" with both families and never quite belonged fully to either. I think this has stayed with me throughout my life. I have a happy marriage and we are determined to work at our marriage to avoid the same happening to our children.

I think you can go on to be a happy adult with healthy relationships but I think that it is naive to think that it doesn't affect people as adults.

Thanks again everyone. I'm pleased to hear a few voices who understand that I want this resolved for everyones sake. I place mine, my DH, dsd and my own daughters happiness with equal importance. In order for any of us to be happy, we all have to be. Just like any family surely?

He has said sorry many many times, he's listened... Often for hours and hours on end without speaking at all and for years and years now. He always said to her, me, her mum that he knew what he was doing when he left was selfish but that he hoped his dd learned that if she was as unhappy as he was one day, she'd have the strength to put her happiness first too. 50/50 contact doesnt replace 100% living with your children. But to avoid it no one would ever get divorced.

I'll just stay hopeful then that she'll deal with it one day. Even if not now. Maybe I'm being impatient.

"Why isn't she angry with her mother too? "
I guess because the mother didn't move out of the child's home

he hoped his dd learned that if she was as unhappy as he was one day, she'd have the strength to put her happiness first too.

I don't think that is a great thing to say tbh.
'I was so strong I put my happiness before yours'

You've miss read that. Or rather I wasn't clear.
He was putting his happiness above staying in the marriage and being unhappy. Even though he knew his ex would hate it and that it would be hard work for all of them. He didn't ever realise that his dd would be so upset and unhappy because he thought they could work through things and that she'd eventually understand that if you're in an unhappy marriage you should be strong enough to leave for the sake of your happiness. Funnily enough, recently her mum has left her new husband who she has a child with and dsd tells everyone that although it's sad for her brother, her mum had to put her own happiness first. Weird one that! But a whole other story!

She did move out, Hasty, they both did. And DSd divided her time between the two new houses

I think they can certainly be fine, happy and lead normal lives because most are highly resilient from the experience. That doesn't mean it wasn't an incredibly difficult thing to adjust to and doesn't cause long-term issues.
Having worked in a school I have seen the majority of children from 'broken homes' have a wobble at times and feel very lost. I know few who seamlessly adapt - I know many who to an outsider would appear to be getting on with it perfectly but in reality are hiding it from those around them, especially their parents.
My DC are 'kids from broken homes' now in their early twenties- they live full, happy lives and outwardly appear unaffected by their childhood. In reality DD spent 2 years in counselling aged 16 when it really 'hit her' and she had a real difficulty accepting what her father had done, the fact we hadn't been able to 'work though it' and the differences between her family and those where parents are together. Both my DC lost contact completely and now reject their father as he went missing and stopped contact without warning for a year just after the divorce. So I know our case is a particularly messy one.
But I know DD struggled with things which become reality for all children of broken homes - feeling 'different' from her friends, feeling lost/rejected, feeling angry that her parents actions had ripped apart her childhood/changed everything.

DD said she is scared the same will happen to her and she doesn't want that for her children.
DS keeps it inside but has made hints of being scared he will act in the way his father did and he struggles in his own relationships with girls.

As I said, outwardly they have very happy, busy lives and would appear completely unscathed. I know they have adapted, 'moved on' and got their own lives now but I also know it still impacts who they are.
Every situation is different but you cannot know from simply looking... even I am relatively unaware how it affects DC truly and despite having a close relationship I know it is hard for them to discuss it all with me.