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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh not to go to work Christmas party

367 replies

Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:28

Dh has his work party and I really, really don't want him to go.

I'm tired and could really do with the help with dcs in the evening,my Dgm passed away yesterday and I'm quite upset and I would really rather he stayed at home.

He seems to really want to go, was talking about getting the train in rather than driving as usual so he can drink. I feel guilty that I will be ruining his 'fun' but I need him at home.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
AmazonGrace · 24/12/2014 13:44

YANBU.

I think your DH should be home supporting you.

KatieKaye · 24/12/2014 13:45

OH Hedgehog, I'm so sorry to hear things are in this state.

I know from your previous threads that your DH really doesn't do anything constructive to help with his DC, that he used the DLA on a car for himself so that you couldn't get the DC to hospital for appointments and you couldn't get taxis because he'd lent his family money. And then when you finally managed to get all the finances sorted out and had a bit left over he wanted to put that towards funding private care for his DP, should they ever require to go into a home!! (I suggested at the time that you might want to save up for a family holiday, as I knew that only DP got to go away on holiday)

TBH, he is not much use as either a husband or a father, as he always puts himself first and I can totally understand why you feel so frustrated and despondent.

I wish I had some advice to give you. You seem to recognise that your relationship is in crisis and so it is up to you both whether you want to see if there is anything left that is worth saving, or if you should part. things are not fine, no matter what your DH might think. He has said some awful things to you has he apologised? Has he ever suggested that you go away for a holiday instead of him?

One thing - all the stuff about cannula changes. Of course a GP would be able to do - given the necessary information. What if DP was away and you sprained your wrist? There has to be a backup plan in place for her safety.

Best wishes.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/12/2014 15:32

One thing I vaguely remember from a previous thread is that your DH uses arguments between you as an excuse to go to his family rather than help with the DC. Where is he now?

Dipankrispaneven · 24/12/2014 18:31

OP, it doesn't matter what excuses SS think up, the plain fact is that they gave a duty to assess and provide for your children' social care. Please don't allow yourself to be fobbed off by excuses about them not fitting individual departments' criteria - that isn't a valid excuse in law.

crumblebumblebee · 24/12/2014 20:01

Hedgehog. Sad I feel for you as you are in a very, very challenging situation. However, you need to make some proactive changes. I'm not saying that it will magically make your problems disappear but it might make you happier.

I understand it's easy for strangers on the internet to say LTB but seriously, how many posts will you write about the same thing until you take action? This is making you both miserable and it can't be good for your children. You deserve better than this marriage. Your children deserve better than living in a home like this.

SuggestmeaUsername · 24/12/2014 21:19

Am sorry about your loss. However I think YABU. I expect your dh has been looking forward to this night out in a long time and you shouldnt make him feel guilty about going. tell him to go out and enjoy himself as he probably deserves it. I expect you could do with a night out too with friends so get him to look after the kids one day or night soon so you get a break. and sort out babysitters soon so you and dh can have some quality time together. but let him have his night out as it will do him good and he will be in a better place to be supportive of you after. If you stop him from going, he may be quietly resentful and frustrated

wannabestressfree · 24/12/2014 21:26

I don't really know what to say as there are so many issues to cover. I do think you resent him having any sort of life outside your home but part of me does understand when you have so much to deal with at home.
I do think you have you have martyr syndrome though. You aren't the only one who can deal with their needs you are just engulfed though and find it hard to relinquish control. There HAS to be a plan with you aren't able to do things. You cannot stop your husband from having a life away from you or control to tw extent you are. You need a back up plan. I have a serious illness and two children who are poorly but you get on. I don't know why but your posts just get my back up..... You reject any concrete help and vent at your husband. It's a recipe for disaster.
You need to push with ss. I had too. Direct your dla where it's truly needed. If you are £800 a month worse off you should be getting significant tax credits. Are you getting electricity and gas benefits? Water?
I do agree with what others have said though. Misery is not attractive and you need to resolve your issues as well as his.
I am sure we will be seeing you again though.

wannabestressfree · 24/12/2014 21:28

By 'their' I mean your children's. I am on my phone.
They need help other than yours. It's not heathy and is guaranteed to make you ill.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 21:42

I would very gladly allow somebody other than dh or me to help with dcs care needs, the fact is, everybody we asked refused, all of our families except for my dsis and even then she cannot look after ds alone or do cannula changes.

The only other person who does anything is dd2s 1:1 at school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 21:45

Dla is directed where its needed: medical equipment not funded by nhs, taxi fares to medical appts, day to day things (specialfoodfor dcs,nappiesetc) and ds2 two mornings a week at nursery

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 24/12/2014 21:55

So you're still saying there's nothing else you can do and no other help you can ask for?

I don't think you're looking for any other interventions other than those that confine your husband to the house with you as much as possible.

Nerf · 24/12/2014 21:57

Hedgehog, I can't remember so apologies and don't feel you have to answer.

Are all the dcs seriously unwell and will continue to be, or is it a case that some of their conditions are currently poorly managed (I don't mean by you, I just mean that appropriate treatment /strategies need to be worked out) and might resolve and become easier? I guess I'm asking if this is forever or for now?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 22:13

All the dcs conditions (except possibly ds1 allergies) are lifelong. With the EDS its variable day to day and probably always willbe. Currently dd2s diabetes is very hard to manage but that may change one day I just don't know.
Things like dd1spots and scoliosis I can't predict either.

I definitely don't want to confine dh to the house with me but with no family willingness to help and currently no other help what can I do? I can't do it all alone that is a fact not a choice I'm making to control dh

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 22:14

Pots not spots !

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 24/12/2014 22:20

So what are you going to do? You really can't continue like this - the dynamic in your house has become truly toxic by the sound of it.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 22:24

The truth is I don't know

There is so much going on that dh and me could manage if we both gave 100% but that doesn't happen. Obviously we need to try something else but what exactly I honestly don't know.
I did think the ss involvement might help but after all the meetings, forms, assessments etc we got nowhere which was a huge let down. Could try again but its a lot of time and effort that takes me away from dcs needs, exhausts me further and makes things worse at home as a consequence.

In an ideal world dh and I would talk and both do our fair share.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 22:25

I also wish our families were supportive and not scared/unwilling to look after dcs

OP posts:
Nerf · 24/12/2014 22:29

It's hard really to know what to suggest. Do the children actively need medical attention all the time or is mainly a case of some regular care and being in a position to react if something happens? I do think you could address the cannula issue via the school nurse or by insisting the others respect dd's need for your time and ban them from the room for ten minutes (or however long).

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 22:36

It is quite intense with all of them but especially so with dd2. The school nurse hasn't even seen an insulin pump like dds before and wouldn't have a clue how to use it, same with gp its just not something healthcare professionals routinely do, only diabetes specialist nurses. As parents we had to have two full days training and a trial with saline before dd could use it properly.

Currently they just can't be left and one of us do cannula change, anything can and does happen (dd1 faints a lot ATM and ds2 as he's only two doesn't really understand) as they get older I'm sure that will improve but for now we both need to be there when its done, currently the pump cannula is changed every two days and the sensor cannula every 3-4 (used to be 7 but dd reacts so badly to them we can't keep them in long)

Last night possibly wouldn't have been an issue. For example mil lives a few mins walk up the road from us. When dh wasn't back last night I text her, she wouldn't come to help. When he arrived clearly in no state to help with cannula I asked her again please to come to watch ds while I did it and even though its her granddaughter that needed help she would not come. If she had it could have avoided the whole situation blowing up the way it did.

OP posts:
Dipankrispaneven · 24/12/2014 22:52

Your dc would probably qualify for Education Health and Care Plans. I heard something about being able to do so for children with diabetes - I think it was a firm of solicitors called Maxwell Gillott who dealt with a successful case.

GraysAnalogy · 24/12/2014 22:53

Hedgehog I know it's really hard for you but sometimes you make it sound like its a death sentence. There's never any positivity in your posts and from the sounds of things your children aren't as needy as you make out. That doesn't mean it's any less hard - but please just stop making this lifestyle for yourself where it's all so hard and you're a martyr.

Could you detail what health problems you're children have exactly and we might be able to offer help in the right direction

Why did you need your MIL?

GraysAnalogy · 24/12/2014 22:54

Your

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 22:54

Senco wants to apply for one for dd2. I know maxwell Gillott they dealt with the judicial review for dd1s school place in 2006 !Did a superb job for us

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 24/12/2014 22:55

Hedgehog - there has to be some backup plan for the cannula changes. Are they so significantly different from any other type of line? While it took you 2 days of training, this should not be the same for a medical professional. What would happen if you and DH were both injured? You need to have a back up plan in place.

It seems that you need two people there because DD2 is still new to this and is frightened and because DS2 is still young. how long does the procedure take and at what time of day does it take place? You need to think about how you can adjust your routines to work around this, e.g. so that all the children except DD2 are having a snack, with DD1 keeping an eye on the younger 2 while you are in a separate room doing the cannula change with DD2. Yes, it might not be ideal, but you do what you need to do in order to get by. And DD1 isn't a little girl any more - while she has her health issues she might be able to keep her younger brothers amused for a short period of time to allow you to tend to DD2

Is the DLA still being used to fund DH's car, whih he uses primarily to get to work and is therefore not available to run the DC to medical appointments? If it is, then you need to consider if this is appropriate use of DLA, as it is more for DHs benefit than anything else. If you were to separate, you would be able to direct DLA so that it directly benefited your DC.

Is there a carer's group you could get in touch with? For support and information?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 23:04

It is very hard with the dcs what do you want a fucking daily diary of minute by minute so you can judge how 'needy' you think they are???

They all have complex health needs and its a nightmare. I'm not a martyr. I don't want this. But anyway here you go
Dd1: eds, pots, pectus excavatum and scoliosis. In pain every day, dislocations, severe fatigue. Dizzy and/or faints if she gets up too quick, has a hot drink or soup or a warm bath or if she stands for too long .
Ds1: eds, very frequent dislocations, fatigue and pain. Migraines which he needs daily medication for, severe allergies. Has also fainted but no formal pots diagnosis. Emotional and anxiety problems and nervous tics
Dd2: eds, pain fatigue dislocations. Severe bowel issues, has had surgery, frequent bowel pain and on daily laxatives . Type 1 diabetes.
Ds2 eds (same symptoms as above) pectus excavatum

And, I asked mil to come round to watch dcs so I could do the pump cannula myself but she wouldn't

OP posts: