To ask dh not to go to work Christmas party

[Edenviolet]

Dh has his work party and I really, really don't want him to go.

I'm tired and could really do with the help with dcs in the evening,my Dgm passed away yesterday and I'm quite upset and I would really rather he stayed at home.

He seems to really want to go, was talking about getting the train in rather than driving as usual so he can drink. I feel guilty that I will be ruining his 'fun' but I need him at home.

AIBU ?

I wasn't going to post on here again, I was going to just de register BUT

I decided to sit down with dh, I told him how I feel, I showed him this thread and I asked him what he felt and what he thought would be the best way forward.
Initially he said he thought things were 'fine' .that we have sorted out our finances and iam having driving lessons so that will help in the long term. He knows I've been having counselling (infrequently if I'm honest as sometimes appts get cancelled due to dcs or similar) but he said we need to make that a regular thing.

He admitted I can be a nightmare to live with sometimes and puts it down to pmt but said if I make a gp appt next week he will look after all the dcs (somewhat of a rarity) so that I can go.
Dh also admitted that he is 'deliberately lazy' and sometimes says he is working when in fact, he is not and that he sees on those days I'm running round like a headless chicken and although he feels bad he needs his space. He told me he often pretends he is sorting something out with dd or that she's not yet asleep but sits in the bedroom watching tv while I do the housework or look after ds2. He promised that will change.

He has asked me that will I stop if I can from getting so uptight and panicky,that we can change things and it will be ok. He did not realise how I felt and admits he should have listened more.
He apologised for the years where he refused to move in with me when I had dd1 and ds1 and that he left me to cope alone.

One bit of advice we will be taking from here together is asking ss AGAIN for help with dcs, three of them are on higher rate care for dla and that alone we think should qualify them for help from the cwd team so we will be pursuing that when everywhere is open next week.

Hedgehog, I am very pleased that you have had what seems to be a worthwhile discussion with your DH and I hope that you can move forward together. It is none of my business I know, but I am concerned about how your children would be looked after if you were ill, there seems to be no contingency plan in place,maybe this is something to talk to as about in due course?

Yes, I agree. I did mention to dh (in quite a harsh way to make him take it seriously) and asked him "if there's an accident and we both die who will look after dcs?(dd2specifically as she would need somebody immediately who could attend to her needs)"

He said he really didn't know as nobody in either of our families can/will. My only suggestion was dd2s 1:1 at school as an emergency contact (she is a lovely lady and wouldn't mind and can look after dd but does not know how to change her pump cannula or sensor) we could teach her if she was willing to otherwise in an emergency dd would have to be taken to her hospital as an emergency and a family member taught there and then.

Dh also mentioned about his bank account and card, he said he prefers to not be in control of it as he is "rubbish with money" and knows our finances are so much better now. I have had control for well over a year now and dh said he was used to not having his card etc. two options are either dh having an amount of his wages in cash each week and seeing how things go (sounds horrible as if I'm giving a grown man pocket money but he really did get us in serious debt and the work to clear that debt was immense) or alternatively a joint account which I feel is the better option. I would be keeping a close eye on it though as really don't want mil borrowing again.

I'm really pleased you're finding a way forward.

That sounds like great progress Hedgehog!

I hope you don't mind me asking but how does the pectus excavatum affect your kids? My DS has it and I've never met another parent with a child who has it before.

Happy 2015. Having children with additional needs is not something everyone can understand. I've recently moved very close to my parents and DSis. We've just had a slightly boozy night together, the DC have all played together, but also they've (the adults) admitted they hadn't realised just how much life was restricted by our particular set of needs and they don't think they'd cope. I wouldn't want anyone else to have to, but it means so much that they acknowledge some of the challenges involved.

I'm slightly worse for wear, a rare occurrence, that no doubt I'll regret at 4 am and again at 5am when various DC related crisis occur. But I hope that 2015 is an empowered year for you Hedgehog. The year where you gain control, ensure that your DC are getting the support from social services you all need and that you and your DH get the odd moment to rekindle that spark that resulted in 4 DC .

Family information services where another sorce of support for getting the council to listen to us for support. Don't give up. Pause when you need too, but don't give up.

P.S. I think of mumsnet a little like family. They don't half piss you off, but yet they're always there when you need them. Don't get fed up with it. It can really help get you through. Happy 2015.

Dh, dd1 and ds2 have pectus.

Dh's is severe, affects breathing badly. He had it 'repaired' (?ravitch procedure) when he was a teenager but it didnot work well.
Dd1 has it very unevenly with l side very depressed, reduced lung capacity and she has a heart murmur but not sure if this is directly linked to the pectus.
Ds2 has it, slightly reduced lung capacity but otherwise (fingers crossed) no other issues from it at present.

Nuss procedure was offered to dd1 but she declined.

DS has quite a deep (up to the first knuckle of my index finger) depression but we're 'lucky' in that it is very central and equal. A Nuss procedure was mentioned by the Doctor but I feel that is DS decision when he's a bit older (he's 8). He had a chest x-ray when he was 3 and our GP seemed unconcerned and said he didn't imagine it would affect DS too much other than minor difference in lung capacity.

I've been considering taking him back to GP just to have it checked again now he's grown a fair bit. Kids at school comment on it but thankfully he's confident enough to deal with their questions.

Sorry to derail your thread, I've never met anyone else who even knows what it is.

Dd1 has regular x rays but she also has scoliosis which makes her pectus more pronounced. She was very very against surgery for her pectus and given that its likely she will need it for her scoliosis we let her decide about the Nuss procedure.

We saw prof elliott at GOSH and he was lovely. Ds2 does not need tobe seen as yet and may not have to be unless his gets worse as he grows.
We were told that dd1 and ds2 have pectus due to also having EDS. I have EDS as well as do ds1 and dd2 but the three of us don't have the pectus so they obviously inherited it from dh (dh, dd1 and ds2 all look the most alike too funnily enough)

I have to admit to being surprised that our GP didn't want DS to be monitored as he grew. I thought given proximity to heart/lungs it would be a given but there was no mention of further checks or referral to the Children's Hospital. Might just make that appointment for ease of mind!

It was so obvious when he was born but it took days for me to get someone tell me why his chest had a huge dent in it and even then they hardly batted an eyelid! When he was a newborn it also had what looked like a splinter sticking up but that disappeared quite quickly. There's no family history on either side (that we know of) so it came as a bit of a shock.

We don't have EDS to deal with or scoliosis so have far less to worry about with DS than you do with your children. I also have 4 but mine are all boys :).

Dd1 was first seen age 2 and then followed up every year until this year when she declined surgery. She had a ct scan of her chest done as well as x rays.

GOSH said if she changes her mind they will do the op but I don't think she will.

My GP gave me a gross description of the procedure. No tact that man! We'll see how DS feels further down the line, it just seems so much a part of who he is at the moment. Of course if it became a medical need I wouldn't hesitate to go ahead but for now we'll wait and see.

Thanks for 'listening' :)

Huge surprise. See you soon.

I'm not sure what you mean wannabe?

Hedgehog, I have read various threads by you over the years and it really does boil down to your DH needing to step up. I hope he comes through for you.

Mere Christmas.

Hedgehog, I just wanted to add some support. I have read a lot of your posts, and always wish there was something I could think of to help. Many people really have no idea how lucky their lives are. I wish I was magic and could give you a 10 day holiday somewhere.

IMHO - for what it is worth - you have a husband that deliberately avoids sharing the workload, and you would be better off without him so just call it a day and use the additional funds to hire in some help.

Plus he will get some access leaving you time alone once a week.

Hang on, there were two DC before you even lived together? He certainly started as he meant to go on.

Yes, I moved in with dh when I was 18, all was ok and I got pregnant. I had HG and he could not cope with it (he had two family members pg at same time who were fine so he thought I was making a fuss), he asked me to go home and we split up. Two years in and out of court followed regarding contact etc.
In the end we got back together, I moved back in and all was ok till I was pg with ds1 and same happened again, I had to go home and dh went skiing for a couple of weeks to 'think things over'.

He did, in the end realise I wasn't making a fuss as saw me in hospital very ill. With dd2 and ds2 we were living together as he was ok then but he has said how bad he feels for the first few years that he didn't live with us and left me to do everything alone. Its in the past now. I just want to move on and try and change things. I need to change too and I openly admit I do get very jealous at the amount of time he gets 'off' and that was a big factor in why I didn't want him going to the Xmas party.
I think one of my main goals is driving lessons, if I can drive I can be more independent so we are looking at me doing more than one lesson a week.

did your older two always have medical issues? even when you were struggling on your own?

It's not very positive to kick someone when they are down.

It's possible to be constructive and kind at same time

Yes, dd1 had health problems but was formally diagnosed at three. Ds1 was a very difficult baby too (reflux, crying all the time and other issues) so it was a struggle.

To be absolutely honest though, I could have had a break as dh wanted contact and I refused. He wanted dd1 at his mothers house for days and days whilst she was still ebf as a baby. Rather than express I refused so at times was my own worst enemy. Some of it was out of stubbornness, some out of anxiety due to losing my first baby in difficult circumstances only a year before I had dd1.

Smacks of "how dare OP not take my wonderful advice"

OP I don't have much advice just now as busy with DD but I know how it is to have too much on plate and struggle