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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh not to go to work Christmas party

367 replies

Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:28

Dh has his work party and I really, really don't want him to go.

I'm tired and could really do with the help with dcs in the evening,my Dgm passed away yesterday and I'm quite upset and I would really rather he stayed at home.

He seems to really want to go, was talking about getting the train in rather than driving as usual so he can drink. I feel guilty that I will be ruining his 'fun' but I need him at home.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 25/12/2014 00:46

I know I don't live you're life and you're the expert here, but it seems like every suggestion people give you (on here and previous threads) is automatically met with why you can't.
Why can't you wake her and do it and give her a snack? (does it have to be a full meal or a long wait?)
In which case, what about the other suggestion of doing it in the morning before the 2yo is up? When she can follow it with breakfast?
It might make for early starts for her, but sadly that might be necessary to make it manageable for you.

I don't get bribing. Either you can rely on the others to help (or help by keeping out the way) or not.
If you can't rely on them, bribes will make no difference.

wannabestressfree · 25/12/2014 07:45

You ignore everything that's an idea except making your husband do it all. Your children don't need to be trained they are getting older and if their conditions are life long should be given the tools to manage them independently. I have a feeling that won't happen though- it will be more hand ringing, wailing and 'only I could do it without your useless father'. I don't blame him for wanting to go out.
Please use some time to reflect what the children need.

GraysAnalogy · 25/12/2014 09:59

Merry christmas Hedgehog, hope you're having a nice day.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 25/12/2014 10:01

You have no idea. You are not me. You don't live my life day in day out.

There is no reason on earth why dh shouldn't be doing his fair share. Dcs are both of ours.
And as for all this 'you never listen to/take advice given on here'. I DO. Time and time again I have explained how I have in relation to things like finances, also with ss I had asked for repeated assessments, just because they have not yet been successful doesn't mean I didn't take advice and try.also I got a huge amount of advice, took it and acted on it in relation to getting dd2 1:1 support at school. I have had some driving lessons too. But, you know, ignore all that so you can keep telling me I'm acting like a martyr, making excuses and keeping my 'poor' dh locked in a tower. Do you know what? I can guarantee if I'd started a thread about how I do everything so that dh can go out and have time away from dcs and that I was getting in help via ss I'd be had a go at as to why should we have funded help and that dh should be doing his fair share and I was a doormat. I can't win.

Sometimes the suggestions on here are good, other times not. The getting up early for example to do cannula, wouldn't work and for very good reasons not just because I don't want to. I don't have to justify it.

It might be hard to understand why I post on here so much but with little rl support and family who admit they are scared of my dcs who else could I have turned to to vent and seek advice.
I'm going now. Its Christmas Day and I have a lot to do with dcs. My gift to you all will be my de registration.

Merry Christmas

OP posts:
crumblebumblebee · 25/12/2014 10:20

Please don't leave, Hedgehog. Please don't isolate yourself further. Like I said up thread, it's easy to sit here and make judgments and suggestions when it's not us living your life.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas with the DC and that they can enjoy today like children should.

wannabestressfree · 25/12/2014 10:31

If that's how you feel? Not very mature response though. People give their time to post responses that you ignore or dismiss. Once again what you are doing isn't working so perhaps it's better to try other things.
Merry Christmas.

Awadebumbo · 25/12/2014 10:55

I think that you are having a hard time in general but you need to sit down and think about how it is effecting your family life. There is never an excuse for violence not matter what and the fact that you have physically attacked your husband sets alarm bells ringing for me I'm afraid. I think that your husband should leave as I do to think he is safe around you if I'm honest. You need to have a full and frank discussion with your GP about how the lack of help is effecting you including full disclosure about incidents if abuse that have occurred.

ilovesooty · 25/12/2014 10:59

Several people have suggested a visit to the GP but have been studiously ignored.

Dropdeadfred2 · 25/12/2014 11:38

maybe if you explain why the early morning canula can't be done..we could think of alternatives?

YouTheCat · 25/12/2014 13:33

Wannabe, how about you walk a mile in hedgehog's shoes?

If you've got nothing sensible to say, toddle off back to your perfect world.

Awadebumbo · 25/12/2014 14:48

Sorry YouTheCat but the Wannabe has a point if you take into account some of the things revealed in the previous accounts of the OP's abuse of her spouse I find her subsequent posts as trying minimise her behaviour and give reasons why it is justified. There is never an excuse for violence towards your spouse none. This is the issue the OP needs to realise and deal with. Once she gets to the route of her reasons for abuse she can move on from there but this issue needs to be dealt with first.

YouTheCat · 25/12/2014 15:20

She hasn't tried to excuse the violence at all if you read back.

The route of her reasons is an unsupportive husband and 4 children with additional needs and being totally exhausted and in need of support.

Support she isn't getting from family of social services.

She is totally focussed on her kids well being whilst her h seems to be focussed on his own.

When do you suggest she finds the time to deal with these issues? In between cannula changes or after she has pulled another of her children off the floor after a fainting fit? Maybe she could fit it in around all the appointments?

SageSeymour · 25/12/2014 15:26

Every single one of your threads had a theme. They're all miserable.

wannabestressfree · 25/12/2014 16:03

Yourthecat if you think my world is perfect you know very little- in fact I have spoken about it many times.
I have children with severe sen and two illnesses- one life limiting. I am a single parent. I work full time. More importantly than that I am a positive person not a doom and gloom merchant moaning about my terrible life and my children that can't possibly do a thing or husband that won't.
Quite frankly suck it up. Deal with it or alter the dynamic. It's boring. Sorry but how many times are we going to hear the same old bollocks.
There walk a mile in my my shoes....

ilovechristmas1 · 25/12/2014 16:31

there wont be de- registration

seen the threat so many times by others about leaving it never happens

just another poor me im being ganged up on tactic

Awadebumbo · 25/12/2014 16:39

So what you're saying is then YouTheCat is sometimes there is a justifiable reason for physically attacking your spouse which is what the OP has done. Abusers minimise their actions and try to shift blame on to the victim and give a myriad of excuse as to why they are just under pressure and if the victim would just do what they want everything would be ok. This is what the OP sounds like to me she doesn't want practical advice she wants us all to agree that she is the victim in this and her actions are justified. They are not and she needs to get help.

YouTheCat · 25/12/2014 16:47

No. Where exactly have I said that? The OP has actually said that she knows that hitting her husband is wrong and I agree with that, having been on the receiving end of domestic abuse myself.

I just think a load of people piling in when someone is clearly very down and exhausted is bloody mean. Why not just ignore the thread and not post?

SageSeymour · 25/12/2014 16:51

We'd be ignoring a new thread every five minutes in that case then.

I inky have to see a thread title to know that it'll be the OP wanging on about 'something'

YouTheCat · 25/12/2014 17:01

And a merry Christmas to you. Good to see the spirit is going strong.

I have kids with additional needs too. My circumstances are different from Hedgehog's but I can still show a bit of empathy.

wannabestressfree · 25/12/2014 18:22

The first post I did I said I understood and I do but she goes about it all the wrong way. Lots of people give her excellent advice and it's ignored or dismissed straight away. 13 and 7 year olds are more than capable of doing things and and I have said numerous times if these are conditions they need to cope with throughout their lives then they need to start managing.
It just all smacks of martyr and 'only I am good enough' and for a site renowned for female bias I am glad we can actually call posters on not doing the the right thing. Undoubtedly her husband has made mistakes but I would wager she is a nightmare to live with. He is obviously there a lot but both of them deserve a life away from home and a break.

Awadebumbo · 26/12/2014 12:37

I think the OP is on here to wind herself up, no matter what the suggestions there is a negative response. Some on here are not really acknowledging the abuse and telling the OP that she is justified to feel the way she does and that her husband is a useless arse. This is a woman that has been violent towards her husband in the past and some on this thread have excused her behaviour because she's stressed. Is that the advice given to Abusers now.
I think it puts a spot light on the bias on these boards and how sometimes our critical thinking skills can be compromised by it. Think about what this thread would look like if the OP was a man and treated his wife the way the OP treats her husband. There would be uproar.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2014 13:05

We have no idea what's going on here so there's little point speculating. I haven't read the other threads, there are apparently quite a few and these detail abuse from both sides.

It's a horrible and sad situation and I'm not going to post again to the OP. If the situation is as posted then it's going to reach 'crunch' point soon enough and the agencies will move in and take action. That may be the very best thing for all of them, but particularly the children.

mytartanscarf · 26/12/2014 13:08

There is nothing worse than people flinging suggestions at you and then getting stroppy when you don't act on it when you feel desperate. I think some people need to back off a bit.

crumblebumblebee · 26/12/2014 13:26

mytartan I agree but that said, the OP has been posting for about the same topics for several years. She has not made any effort to try to change or even to seek support with changing. Those of us who have spent a lot of time in the past, trying to offer empathy and advice are just getting a bit confused. The OP gives very mixed messages.

gobbynorthernbird · 26/12/2014 13:48

OP is obviously having a difficult time but seems to be veering into professional martyrdom. I feel for her, but feel more for her children and DH who are having it drummed into them that they're useless.