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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to wait before family meet new baby

108 replies

Discopanda · 21/12/2014 01:27

DD2 is due soon after DD1's third birthday and I really want to wait a week or two before we have the rest of our family to visit so DD1 can bond with her little sister first and get used to having a baby around the house. She's a real mummy's girl and especially because of her age I'm wary about how she'll react but I know asking people not to visit straight away will put some noses out of joint. When we had DD1 we were living with PIL's and MIL was inviting people that I barely knew over from day 1 to meet the new baby and I'd really like to have more time to recover and help DD1 adjust this time round. AIBU to tell our families that we want a bit of time before they all visit? I'm very nervous about putting my foot down.

OP posts:

SorchaN · 21/12/2014 01:33

Your baby, your rules. Lots of women want time to themselves with their new baby - it's not at all unreasonable. And it's usually easier to get feeding and sleeping properly established without dozens of visitors. Get your partner to explain to the families - I think it's part of a dad's job to stand up for the mother of his children when she's feeling vulnerable!

LittleMissRayofHope · 21/12/2014 01:33

It's your baby, your choice.

Why does anyone else in the world apart from You, Your DH and your DD come into opinion position.
Who cares if their noses are out of joint.
Totally up to you.

Although I might be inclined to let immediate family visit after a day or 2, grandparents maybe.
But others can wait if that's what you want!

Congratulations

Chocolateteabag · 21/12/2014 01:34

No you are being entirely reasonable, your house, your baby, your rules

dS1 was 3.1 when DS2 arrived and we found a baby doll of his own and being the chief present opener for his brother helped a lot. Especially when people arrived to see the baby.

I'd maybe tell everyone you need "a few days" and then see how it goes. You can then delay people by saying DD1 needs a bit more time to adjust.
However other people may be a good way to make her feel important as she will be the big sister and as such have "key tasks" to do (make up as needed - outfit choice etc)

NormaStits · 21/12/2014 01:37

You're not being unreasonable at all. I was wary of too many visitors after the birth of my daughter and my partner told me it was anti social. I just didn't want to be crowded.

I think you're entitled to do what you want and would suggest telling the ward staff you don't want visitors, that should deal with the first day or so. At home, keep doors locked if you have family who are likely to walk in without knocking, and get dh onside to deflect people who turn up anyway.

Hope you get the support you need from him.

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2014 01:41

What do you mean by 'family'? Random great aunts or your parents and siblings?

I can only speak as I find, but I never found any problem with my DCs or DGC 'bonding'. They were just delighted to have a sibling.

If, however, you will be expected to supply drinks and foods to a stream of visitors straight after coming home, then YAN quite so U.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 21/12/2014 02:27

I was very clear about it second time round and said we wanted definitely 24 hours or preferably 48 hours no visitors. Believe me with our family even 48 hours was classed as extreme!!
I'm very glad I did though, gave us all some special quiet time together. Then on day 2-5 it was just grandparents and our siblings then gradually everyone else.
I had to make very clear to some family members that they were not allowed to barge past DS and ignore him whist trying to get at DD . On the other hand some family went out of their way to include him with little gifts and special cards and badges etc. He also enjoyed the special job of opening all the cards and presents for DD.
A friend had an idea to have a stash of non expensive toys and books (charity shop/pound shop) which she wrapped and gave older DC when people came round

Zaccheryquack · 21/12/2014 03:12

YANBU - have a baby due myself when did will be about 3. Last time we had a rule no overnight guests for 3 months. May relax slightly this time (although dh says not!). Remember calling my mum when we got home from hospital to ask her to give us a couple of days and she was already driving down so may warn in advance this time! Will watch this thread for tips. I think for some families the visitors are a god send and for others it can be a bit stressful!

zoemaguire · 21/12/2014 03:34

Not having a stream of random visitors straight after the birth: perfectly reasonable. Not letting grandparents see new grandchild for two weeks: a bit harsh!

HaloItsMeFell · 21/12/2014 04:33

What about your own parents? Where are they in all this?

YANBU to not want any old Tom, Dick and Harry traipsing through the house and prodding your baby in the first few days, but as you do not live at PILs anymore this will presumably not happen. But it was their house after all and they were entitled to invite in whomever they liked, although it was insensitive of them if they truly were treating you and the baby as an exhibit from Day 1 and I can totally see why this would have been irritating for you.

However, thinking that allowing your own immediate family to visit in the first few days will stop your DD bonding with the baby is just nonsense.

If you absolutely insist on having a couple of weeks visitor free then that is your prerogative, but I do hope you adhere to it fairly and don't make any exceptions for your own parents or friends. If your reasons for doing it are genuine then it should be applied equally/fairly across everybody, regardless of who they are.

StockingFullOfCoal · 21/12/2014 05:28

Eldest DD was 2.5 when youngest DD was born. Every family member who came to visit made a big fuss of her and gave her a small gift (my sisters gave her a cbeebies magazine and chocolate buttons) before coming to fuss new baby. It went down extremely well. I limited visits to 2 sets of visitors per day to save my sanity and allow me sometime to sleep/slob about etc. Although my family are the type to turn up with home made meals, make tea/coffee/snacks for themselves/me/kids and leave with a bag of laundry that comes back the next day all clean and fresh and ironed.

Meerka · 21/12/2014 05:40

When we had DD1 we were living with PIL's and MIL was inviting people that I barely knew over from day 1 to meet the new baby and I'd really like to have more time to recover and help DD1 adjust this time round.

You've seen how they behave.

your daughter needs time to adjust.

It is hard on the grandparents but (given how they were last time) you are absolutely in the right. Your daughter and your nuclear family need time and if that wasn't tactfully handles last time, you have to set limits. YADNBU.

ladymariner · 21/12/2014 05:48

Not having a stream of random visitors straight after the birth: perfectly reasonable. Not letting grandparents see new grandchild for two weeks: a bit harsh!

^ This.....

HaloItsMeFell · 21/12/2014 05:53

You've seen how they behave.

your daughter needs time to adjust.

but Meerka that was their home. This time it is completely different. There is a huge difference between wanting to keep virtual strangers away and keeping the baby's grandparents away!

I still want to know what will be happening with the OP's parents, but I suspect I won't get an entirely honest answer.

AggressiveBunting · 21/12/2014 06:10

I think there's a risk that you have quite a rosy view of week 1 with two, and that actually a few strategic visitors may be extremely helpful in giving DD1 some attention/ fun little trips, so you don't end up sitting on the sofa, trying to bf a screaming baby, with a tantrumming toddler trying to prise the baby off you and acting out constantly once they realise that the baby is here to stay. My dsis was a godsend when DD was born as was DM- came round and entertained DS, took him to the park, out for a hot chocolate etc. Meant I could grab a few hours daytime sleep here and there. All I'd say is don't bite the hand that feeds you.

HaloItsMeFell · 21/12/2014 06:16

Exactly Aggressive. I often wonder whether people who make OPs like this are the same ones three years later, complaining that the GPs' (and especially the PILs) don't fall over themselves enough to baby sit or take the children off their hands for a break. Be careful what you wish for!

TychosNose · 21/12/2014 06:39

Yanbu

You need to put yourself and your babies first.

Dd was 3.5 when ds arrived. She was also very mummy's girl and quite nervous of ds to begin with. We had pils over only because dd knows them very well and I knew they would be sensitive to her feelings. My dm was not invited for over a week, I don't trust her (I was right, the first thing she did was push dd out the way and say "I've come to see your brother" . Bitch.)

So, who you have over in the early weeks is totally up to you. This is a time to ignore their feelings and worry about your own and you dd's. If that means, as pp have suggested, that they won't babysit in a few years, then they don't actually care much about you and dc anyway and it's probably a good idea to keep them away.

Disclaimer - I have a very dysfunctional family (dm, df and dbros. Not dh, he's lovely).

DeckTheHallsWithBartimaeus · 21/12/2014 06:54

Useful visitors are, by definition, useful.

My parents would come over, coo at the baby then my mum would take DS1 to the park for a much needed run around and my dad would do the washing up/ironing/whatever.

My mum would come back, they'd make us all lunch which we ate together then they'd leave us to it. Or, if I was very tired, they'd take both boys out so I could sleep for an hour.

However, SIL just had friends who came to sit on her sofa for hours, letting their kids run rampage and not lifting a finger.

Only OP knows how her guests are likely to behave and ajust her request accordingly.

Andanotherthing123 · 21/12/2014 07:03

If you limit the visits to short stays (an hour or two) and keep it to very close family, your daughter may well enjoy the excitement of being showing her new sibling off and 'being a big sister'. IME children seem to take to a new sibling based largely on their personality. My nephew was very put out over the arrival of his sister while ds1 loved ds2 from the off, badgered for dc3 and is now lobbying for dc4. Dsis and I did nothing different in how we prepared our DC for a new sibling. BTW my nephew loves his sister now!

I wished i'd said no to friends visits for the first 2 weeks though for ds3-l found myself dreading each visit and just wanted to be alone with my family.

Booboostoo · 21/12/2014 08:06

DD was 3,3yo when DS was born and took to him very well from the start. Her role was to welcome visitors, present DS, tell them his name, open his presents and show them to DS. We did ask everyone to make a point of interacting with DD and also DM spent a lot of time with DD while DH was in hospital with me, so on the whole we used the visitors to our advantage.

Your baby your rules though.

Bowlersarm · 21/12/2014 08:26

I think its very precious of you, and people will obviously want to meet the new baby and be disappointed not to.

However I agree that it's your baby and you get to say what happens.

It has to be a blanket ban on everyone though; you can't allow some close family members but not others. Without causing a lot of resentment.

Waltonswatcher · 21/12/2014 08:30

I think all people should bugger off for two weeks . Babies don't need exposure to so many bugs that little. Take time to recover and bond . It won't ever come back to you .

PrimalLass · 21/12/2014 08:35

I cannot imagine banning GPs for 2 weeks after the birth. Precious IMO.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/12/2014 08:36

Tbh you may well find that people are less inclined to visit. Number two babies, whilst loved, arent always visited immediatley

Andrewofgg · 21/12/2014 08:40

YANBU - and when they visit, make sure they help and don't just admire the baby. My BILs, then one single and one not yet a father, learned to change a nappy when DW was born!

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 21/12/2014 08:41

Halo in my case it didnt work. I had my MIL stay and it was a total disaster.

She stayed while I was in hospital for a week having had a CS and she stayed when I came home with baby. The whole situation was a nightmare and to this day my eldest still hates his sibling. :(

I know everyone is different but a new baby can be difficult for a previously only child to accept. OP I strongly recommend some family time and do not add anything into the mix until you are happy and confident that you have all bonded. Congratulations. You will never get that time back again.

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