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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to wait before family meet new baby

108 replies

Discopanda · 21/12/2014 01:27

DD2 is due soon after DD1's third birthday and I really want to wait a week or two before we have the rest of our family to visit so DD1 can bond with her little sister first and get used to having a baby around the house. She's a real mummy's girl and especially because of her age I'm wary about how she'll react but I know asking people not to visit straight away will put some noses out of joint. When we had DD1 we were living with PIL's and MIL was inviting people that I barely knew over from day 1 to meet the new baby and I'd really like to have more time to recover and help DD1 adjust this time round. AIBU to tell our families that we want a bit of time before they all visit? I'm very nervous about putting my foot down.

OP posts:
HappyAsASandboy · 21/12/2014 08:42

I've just had a baby and thought I'd feel like you do, however visitors were the best thing ever :)

I stayed in hospital for three days (post c section), which was a lovy snugly time for me and baby, without that snuggling being in the face of my four year old twins. When I came home, I tried to give the twins as much time as possible, but the simple fact is that babies like to be held and fed, predominantly by their mothers.

When grandparents came, there were suddenly more adults to give attention and love. The day they visited I sat on the sofa and held/fed the baby, handing baby to DH or MIL when I wanted to; DH hosted by making tea/sandwiches/cake and got up to date with the washing while he was at it; and the twins had Granny and Grandad to build train tracks/Lego towers/play hide and seek/read with. It was an easy day, because there were two extra adults to share the load, taking child entertainment off DH and I for a few welcome hours.

I am the type of person happy to greet visitors in leggings and a t shirt and expect my visitors and DH to sort everything out themselves. If you would want to be the one tidying up/making tea etc then the visit would be very different and maybe should be avoided unless you can resist your hostess urges!

I guess what in trying to say is that although you have lovely plans of bonding as a family, a few hours when your older DC is distracted by others may be a welcome respite from trying to give the baby 100% of your attention whilst making older DC feel like he has at least 50% of it! It is a pretty hard thing to do!

woodwaj · 21/12/2014 08:48

I'm due in about 7 weeks and (with the exclusion of grandparents) I have decided to copy a friend and have an "open house" on a day i decide i will provide food and drink and people can pop in anytime during the day for cuddles and a brew! I am dropping it in conversation now that it is my plan so people just get used to it , seems to be going down ok so far!

AriaBanjo · 21/12/2014 09:02

I quite liked people coming to visit and me our new babies! I would have felt very sad if we had no visitors! When dc 3 arrived late the night before dc 2's 3rd birthday (home birth) we had a little birthday party the next day with a few close friends and family. The dcs had no problems bonding.

Andrewofgg · 21/12/2014 09:27

woodwaj You are lovely and I will be there in spirit!

Lucyccfc · 21/12/2014 09:35

I think not allowing Grandparents and very close family/friends to see the new baby for the first 2 weeks is unreasonable.

My brother did this with their first DD and he really pissed the family off. It was OTT. She was the first grandchild/Neice and to effectively be barred was so unfair. All the family wanted was a quick cuddle and to take a present.

When their DS was born, none of us bothered really, as we knew we would be kept at arms length. After about 10 days by brother phoned and asked why none of us had been to see him and more or less demanded we show up. I told him to sod off and that I would go when I was ready.

It was all very sad.

Please allow at least the Grandparents to come and visit briefly in the first couple of days.

When I had my DS, I was in hospital for 4 days after a section. It was lovely to have family there on the first day. They all got to cuddle DS and ran round after me. When I got home, friends and family came round and it was great. They brought food, helped washing pots, made drinks, put the hoover round and my Mum got stuck into my ironing too. I just let people get on with it.

Grandparents and my DS are very close, unfortunately we can't say the same for the relationship with my brothers children. Him and SIL were precious from the start and that never really changed.

tobysmum77 · 21/12/2014 09:44

yabu

It would not be unreasonable to make visits short/ on your terms/ close family only however.

DustyCropHopper · 21/12/2014 09:44

Are you really planning on not leaving your house for up to 2 weeks? My children would have gone crazy being stuck in all that time and probably resent the new baby! No harm limiting visitors, keeping it to immediate family but I think not allowing anyone to visit could make your life harder rather than easier. As others have said, more adults means more attention for dd1, but obviously it is up to you!

Fairenuff · 21/12/2014 09:52

You may find that your dd is not that interested in the baby. I would let the grandparents visit and meet the new baby but also ask them to give dd the same amount of fuss and attention as they normally would.

SunnaClausIsComingToTown · 21/12/2014 10:00

Please let the grandparents visit for a short time, they need to bond as well.

Original poster
Discopanda · 21/12/2014 10:36

My PIL expect to be waited on and my parents live so far away that it wouldn't be a quick visit, they'd want to come down for a whole day

OP posts:
zoemaguire · 21/12/2014 10:54

I do see the issue. When my first DC was born, my parents and mil came, cooed over the baby and made themselves v useful. My fil turned up on day 4, when the others had left, and his 'help' consisted of holding the baby while dh and I did everything else! But when he did once venture to ask if he could help, dh said 'yes, you could go to sainsburys'Grin Fil thought he was joking, but dh said 'no, really, you could go to sainsburys'! To his credit, though, that is what he did. It hadn't really occurred to him that we might need that kind of help. Would your pils react badly to being told outright that if they come early on, they would need to muck in? As for your parents needing to come for a whole day, I still wouldn't leave it two weeks. Your dd might well love somebody to focus on her and take her to the park etc. You may not feel like leaving the house for a while and yr dd will go stir crazy stuck at home.

DaisyFlowerChain · 21/12/2014 10:59

If I was banned from seeing a child for two weeks I'd not be rushing after the deadline was up to visit.

Older sliblings do have to adjust and it takes many far longer than two weeks to get used to having to share time, effort, money etc so I don't see the point.

But precious and screams I'm too important to see guests.

tobysmum77 · 21/12/2014 10:59

ah but you see the length of time they come for is their choice. if they will only come for a whole day then yanbu telling them they will have to wait till you are ready.

my in laws live 90 miles away and they came for a short time to meet both dds.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 21/12/2014 11:14

As long as when your DC grow up and have children of their own, you don't mind waiting two weeks to meet your grandchildren, go ahead!

FrogIsATwatInASantaHat · 21/12/2014 11:25

Yes you are being precious and deluded. My guess is that you will be begging for visitors. Its not going to be the cosy bonding experience you seem to think it is. Good luck with that.

pictish · 21/12/2014 11:31

Yabu really. This idea mn have of it being totally cool to ban the nearest and dearest from meeting the new addition for weeks, is frankly fucking bizarre.

Just make it clear the visit will have to be brief, that's all.

DamnBamboo · 21/12/2014 11:45

People are so precious on here about having babies.
Seriously, thousands of women do it all the time and they have to get on with their lives, take care of other children, family members etc.. and that's called life!
I think YABVVVU to ban your family members from coming over to see the baby in the early days, assuming you have a good relationship with them.
Since when has giving birth become this big deal, as if you're only one to do it.

Why would you not go out for two weeks? What are you doing to do, just sit there?

Meerka · 21/12/2014 11:49

halo you're right, it was the MIL's home. I didn';t read properly. Sorry! Makes a big difference.

In that case it sounds reasonable that they come for a visit by invitation but not to ask everyone else along!

pictish · 21/12/2014 11:52

This idea of needing a fortnight for your children to bond alone is just so overwrought imo.
The less of a big deal you make of it, the better fgs. Their relationship will come of its own accord, and keeping the grandparents at arms length will make sod all difference, other than to hurt their feelings.

Come back down to earth OP. And I do mean that kindly.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 21/12/2014 11:52

Visitors can be very useful. You can ask them to bring sandwiches and fruit then all have lunch together (most people are happy to do this). The one thing you can insist on is that anybody with a cold stays away and nobody stays too long.

Could you ask grandparents to bring small gifts for your older DD if they are bringing presents for the new arrival? I found it helps to avoid jealousy. Is your new baby 'giving' a present to her older sibling? My eldest DC was very curious how I fitted a train set in my tummy along with the baby!

AmysTiara · 21/12/2014 11:59

I just cant imagine telling family they cannot see the baby for a couple of weeks. It sounds so cold and mean. Never known any friends or family do this either.

getthefeckouttahere · 21/12/2014 12:03

Oh yes you are being unreasonable.

And i don't buy this tosh about bonding siblings etc i suspect its about you having a chance to show who's boss?.

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 21/12/2014 12:07

YANBU - your baby your rules.

Have PP read that the PILS expect to be waited on?

Maybe it is an opportunity for OP to put her foot down with bossy relatives, in which case I say "go for it"

SunnaClausIsComingToTown · 21/12/2014 12:09

What does your DP think? It's his baby too.

DamnBamboo · 21/12/2014 12:09

Have PP read that the PILS expect to be waited on?

So just don't do it then! 'Tea anyone?' 'Oh yes MIL, I'd love one. Thanks for offering, am still a bit sore!'

DONE