AIBU to want to wait before family meet new baby

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DD2 is due soon after DD1's third birthday and I really want to wait a week or two before we have the rest of our family to visit so DD1 can bond with her little sister first and get used to having a baby around the house. She's a real mummy's girl and especially because of her age I'm wary about how she'll react but I know asking people not to visit straight away will put some noses out of joint. When we had DD1 we were living with PIL's and MIL was inviting people that I barely knew over from day 1 to meet the new baby and I'd really like to have more time to recover and help DD1 adjust this time round. AIBU to tell our families that we want a bit of time before they all visit? I'm very nervous about putting my foot down.

Brave of you to admit that Santana - much respect xx

Get your mum to visit on the same day as your MIL - I find my DM is excellent for keeping MIL in line!

I think you would actually find that visitors help with the adjusting. The visitors will be an extra person to listen to dd1, take her to the park, make her breakfast; or cuddle dc2 while you do the things with dd1.

I didn't find the adjustment issue was at the beginning when they were new, tiny and interesting. The issues come when dc2 starts moving and demanding things that dd1 wants/has. That's when I found the older one needed that bit of extra space.

It's not an all or nothing situation though!
It's not waiting on pils hand and foot six hours after labour versus a two week ban.

Middle ground - it's there if you want it.

YABU. Sorry

I've just had Dc2 and Dd has loved seeing her grandparents, cousin, aunts etc. All of whom have bought her little presents.

She's been a sweetheart with her new sibling so far. I'm not sure a fortnight to adjust will make a difference to bonding.

Cheers Pictish!

My twins are nearly a month old and I do think visitors help with DD. A mum at her nursery with 7(!) kids told me to hand the new baby over and cuddle DD then. She's not really a cuddly sort but it's been a great tip. The babies just like a cuddle, they're not particularly bothered who it's from. But DD needs mummy!

I did not anticipate just how much I would love my grandson. It's the greatest love I have ever known, my husband and his other grandparents agree

Sorry to pick up on what was probably just a turn of phrase - but really..."the greatest love" you've ever known? More than for your own children?

I'm a mother of four and grandmother of three and I adore my grandchildren. But it isn't by any means the greatest love - how could I say that when I have children of my own?

OP, it all depends on the relationship. As a PP has said, those of us who had our babies in the 70s had to fight to get out of hospital and visiting was strictly limited, so the baby was usually at least a week old before anyone visited at home. If grandparents were allowed to visit in hospital, it was for a brief time.

I also think you'll be bored witless if you do stay at home for two weeks (though I note you say "one or two") - as will your DD1 - I was always desperate to get out and about after the birth. Don't anticipate too many problems with your older child - keep things calm and keep her occupied and she'll be fine. There's not much bonding she can do with a new baby - just involve her if she's interested and don't worry too much if she isn't!

I'd say the thing to avoid - when possible - is sitting with the baby on you, hour after hour - let someone else hold her, or put her in a crib/sling so you have your hands free to do things with your elder daughter. If you're breastfeeding, you can easily read to your older child while you're sitting, or involve yourself in her games. She'll be fine.

So many rules these days.

www.stfuparentsblog.com/post/68193751461/newborn-baby-visitation-rules-and-the-descent-into

YANBU, it's wants and needs, and it's totally individual, there can't be centrally held standards. You're starting from a position of 'I may NEED time to get my breath, recover from the birth, get the hang of the new baby and managing two children, so I'll let you know when we're ready to have visitors to manage too'. They're coming from 'but we WANT to cuddle the baby!'

So valid, tiny babies are adorable and exciting, but needs get met before wants. If you're feeling great and you're bored within 24 hours, great, invite them earlier or go out to see them. If not, the baby is still going to be there in a week or two, no harm done other than people who are sulking because they feel that your needs and feelings should come second to their wants of you.

People that love you will want you to do what's best for you. People stuck on 'but I want to do what I want or I'll pout and not come anyway'..... they can definitely wait a few weeks.

For centuries women had lying in periods of peace and calm to do this stuff, most animals go off alone and take a few days in seclusion before the rest of the herd get a look in at the new arrival. And apes and elephants frequently battle with female relatives desperate to get a hold of a new baby and not give it back! It's a mammal thing.

That's hilarious Sprink! What wonderful brass neck.

I was pretty certain what day DD2 would arrive so we organised a large party for a week later, inviting all the usual suspects. Meant we had a week on our own, then everyone came at once and if I hadn't felt up to it, I could have bogged off upstairs and they could all talk to each other. As it happened, I was still hopped up on adrenaline from a very speedy delivery so had a great time. We also invited some of DD1's friends and their parents so DD1 and DS had a great time running riot. Was my best idea ever but not for everyone. It did keep people out of my hair though!

And they brought booze with them. That was nice.

I think telling close family members that you don't want visitors for a full fortnight after the birth sounds utterly diva-ish.

I think it depends on how long. 2 days, fine, 2 weeks is U IMO.

Visitors are good IME, ours all brought presents for our older one and made a huge fuss of her. From a 3yo point of view, having visitors moves the focus away from the baby if anything because the adults are talking, she is seeing her relatives and the day doesn't revolve around the baby's sleep, feeding and nappy changes.

I am not sure how long you are planning to keep family away, but if it is weeks, I do wonder if it's a decision you'll feel bad about if/when your own grandchildren are born.

Brilliant sprink!

Oops not

YANBU in my opinion, although I'm sure you could come to a compromise if you wasn't to. I live over 100 miles from my family, who usually stay when they visit.

So I will be imposing rules when mine is born, not hosting etc so visitors will need to sort out a hotel. I dread visitors appearing before I've even set foot back home, me and DH need some time to figure out what we are doing but how long is a personal choice.

I've never heard such nonsense in all my life. Banning visitors for two weeks. It's a total selfish nerve.

OP, who is looking after DD1 when you are in labour? Presumably one of the people you are going to ban from seeing the newborn for two weeks?

Can you answer the question about how you'd feel if your DC banned you from seeing your grandchildren for two weeks? I don't mean it in snarky way, it's a genuine question as to how it would make you feel.

I'd say it's totally up to you.
However you also have the opportunity to ask your parents when they visit to take dd out to someplace. Pick up some shopping etc.

Just tell PIL you are free at X time for a few hours. Make sure it's a time between meals etc.

Another here who found visitors useful. In fact the best one I had was a newish neighbour who was an ex midwife. She heard DS screaming one day for a few hours turned up with a magazine, out the kettle on, ran me a bath and ordered me in it whilst she took DS out for a walk. God I loved that woman.

OP, it all depends on the relationship. As a PP has said, those of us who had our babies in the 70s had to fight to get out of hospital and visiting was strictly limited, so the baby was usually at least a week old before anyone visited at home. If grandparents were allowed to visit in hospital, it was for a brief time

Hahaha not just the 70's I'm talking about the 90's!!!

All of mine born before 1994 were 9 or 10 days old before we got home and everybody who was not the mum or dad only got to wave through a nursery window

not where mine were born needsasock. there were hoards of visitors right from the start....though only for me for the 3rd as he was an emergency cesarian so MIL came down to look after other kids and visited me.

if OP is worried about her daughter i would have thought having GPs spoiling her and making a fuss of her is the best thing. otherwise she is going to get bored out of her brain and blame it on the new arrival

sarie I had that with my second youngest. A set of grandparents great grandparents a random neighbour of the ggp's and the ex GF of the dad all waiting on the doorstep when I got back 9 hours after delivery (unexpected) they all stayed for the entire day and expected waitress service.

I hadn't had any sleep all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep for an hour or two