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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to wait before family meet new baby

108 replies

Discopanda · 21/12/2014 01:27

DD2 is due soon after DD1's third birthday and I really want to wait a week or two before we have the rest of our family to visit so DD1 can bond with her little sister first and get used to having a baby around the house. She's a real mummy's girl and especially because of her age I'm wary about how she'll react but I know asking people not to visit straight away will put some noses out of joint. When we had DD1 we were living with PIL's and MIL was inviting people that I barely knew over from day 1 to meet the new baby and I'd really like to have more time to recover and help DD1 adjust this time round. AIBU to tell our families that we want a bit of time before they all visit? I'm very nervous about putting my foot down.

OP posts:
basgetti · 21/12/2014 12:17

I had my baby 2 days ago, my DS has been an only child for 6 years and having my parents and sister to hand has been brilliant as they have been able to help by take him off to the cafe when I was in hospital, give him lots of fuss and praise on becoming a big brother, and they have also been so thrilled and excited to meet and have snuggles with the new addition. I guess it depends on your relationship with the family members in question but I have loved seeing them all meet her and I couldn't imagine telling my parents to stay away.

magpieginglebells · 21/12/2014 12:17

People saying YABU don't seem to realise that families are different.

OP, your baby, your choice. Do what you feel best.

DamnBamboo · 21/12/2014 12:20

Also, be careful not to project your anxieties onto your daughter about adjusting.
As long as her routine isn't massively disrupted and baby mostly fits in with your exisiting life, rather than you changing it to fit it in with the baby's, most kids are fine.

DamnBamboo · 21/12/2014 12:21

Posted too soon, what would be be good is to have other people saying what a important role being a big sister is and that she'll do a fabulous job etc..

Original poster
Discopanda · 21/12/2014 14:00

OH agrees we need time together first, we didn't really get that first time round. My own mum is really helpful whenever she comes over but mil isn't in the slightest, I'm one of the many posters who has nightmare MIL syndrome

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/12/2014 14:05

OP how would you feel if your DD has a baby and refuses to allow you to.visit her or your new grandchild for two weeks?

oswellkettleblack · 21/12/2014 14:07

Don't wait on your PIL. Stop pandering to them. Banning grandparents is harsh. Tell her no, you get your own tea and food.

DamnBamboo · 21/12/2014 14:08

So are you just gong to ban your MIL?

pictish · 21/12/2014 14:09

Then you both ought to come back down to earth.

Just take control in an appropriate manner ffs - as in refusing to wait on them, and keeping the visit short....NOT being so extreme as to ban them outright for a fortnight.
Perspective - get some.

DamnBamboo · 21/12/2014 14:11

OH agrees we need time together first, we didn't really get that first time round

Why not? I know you were living in their house, but were they with you 24 hours a day.

angelikacpickles · 21/12/2014 14:15

If your mother is helpful, can't you just have them all visit on the one day. Your mother can make tea for your MIL, and you get it all over and done with at once.

toptable20 · 21/12/2014 14:15

absolutely your call. and try and remember you're lucky they even want to come. day w got home from hosp with first born we rang pil who lived 20 mins away to say come over, sorry no, they said we'e having dinner with sil. bring her, we said. sorry no, we've opened the wine. bring the wine, sorry no... etc. and so it went on.
but you know what, someone is going to get pissed off whatever you do. but yes, make sure your partner is your shield and stands up for you. good luck!

dreamingofsun · 21/12/2014 14:20

well i hope you lot who say 'its your baby your rules' don't complain when the grandparents say 'its my xyz, my rules'. And don't complain if grandparents aren't prepared to put themselves out and babysit etc. You sound incredibly selfish. A baby isn't just related to you.....it should have a good bond with grandparents and ideally some aunts/uncles as well.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/12/2014 14:22

Discopanda - one thing that really helped ds1 and then ds2 adjust when I had ds2 and then ds3, was that the baby always bought a present for his older brother/s - a toy car or similar.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to want some time for you all to get used to the new arrival.

pictish · 21/12/2014 14:26

I'm going to be honest and say that if one of my three wouldn't let me through the door for a fortnight after having a baby, even for an hour, I'd be extremely hurt.
Frankly think it's weird and right up one's own arse.

pictish · 21/12/2014 14:28

I have never come across it to hear or speak of anywhere but mumsnet though tbh. I think it's like a fable...an urban myth.

SantanaLopez · 21/12/2014 14:28

Don't shut them out. It'll give you a bigger problem in the long term. Make up a midwife appointment or something if you need to get them out after an hour.

My DD is younger than yours but was totally unfazed by her siblings. In fact she pretty much ignored them, although she has recently taken to announcing that she doesn't love them because they have no teeth.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/12/2014 14:31

Since when has giving birth become this big deal, as if you're only one to do it

It is not that long ago that having a baby meant 10 days in hospital with visiting hours limited to once a day for 2 hours and only dads allowed in for the first 2/3 days.

Now its chuck you out after 6 hours and call you precious if you fancy a rest before waiting on visitors

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/12/2014 14:37

2 weeks may be a bit to much a few days perhaps 3 after you get home from hospital is no big deal but 2 weeks does seam a bit harsh.

Nothing wrong with doing very short visits at first or giving people the choice so they understand if they choose to travel down they know its not for a few days and the visit will only be an hour or so

pictish · 21/12/2014 14:41

It's a moot point anyway really. OP and her dh will end up bored shitless sitting about looking at each other after a few days, and be desperate to have someone call round to coo over their new and wonderful baby.
And on that I'd bet my last tenner.

Katinkka · 21/12/2014 14:50

Lol. Get over yourselves.

Mammanat222 · 21/12/2014 14:51

DD due next month and although I'd like some time as a family (DS is 2) realistically I know immediate family will be popping in as soon as they can... at the hospital if we're in for a little while.

We both have big immediate families as well (I'm one of four and OH is one of six) I don't mind too much as everyone was very respectful with DS and they literally nipped in and no one outstayed their welcome.

if I didn't want visitors though I wouldn't have any hesitation in making my feelings known

SantanaLopez · 21/12/2014 14:54

It's a moot point anyway really. OP and her dh will end up bored shitless sitting about looking at each other after a few days, and be desperate to have someone call round to coo over their new and wonderful baby.
And on that I'd bet my last tenner.

Happened to me after I embarrassed myself and made the entire family upset by imposing a 2 week ban with my first. I read too much MN Blush I had to sheepishly phone everyone up and beg them to come and visit me. I am still absolutely mortified.

gotthemoononastick · 21/12/2014 15:01

Don't be so mean to OP! She is worried about sibling jealousy.Op,I took a new baby dolly with a little layette into hospital to bring out for older sisters.

We did have 10 days 'lie in' in hospital with babies in the nursery at night(a hundred years ago now!)

No children could visit at all (germs) and we would not have dreamed of taking a new babe out into a crowded place.

I would have run into the sea if I had to entertain anyone at home after six hours and do all the things young Mums have to cope with now!

Good luck with your lovely new baby ( and big sister,who may surprise you!)

Waltonswatcher · 21/12/2014 15:05

I had shit (but happy!) pregnancies . Every birth /baby had differences and I sure as hell believed that if I needed/wanted time out it was mine to have .
Individual needs vary . That's not precious ,it is a fact !

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