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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To do this... I feel terrible

114 replies

Emma0811x · 18/12/2014 20:22

Ok...
So my LO is almost 5 weeks old. I'm a first time mum struggling to do both day and night shifts while my partner goes off to work... Every other night I have asked him to do night shifts just so I can have an uninterrupted nights sleep so I have the energy and am more alert for the next day! Is it wrong of me to ask him to do this as he's also working? I feel soooo bad :(

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 18/12/2014 20:23

No it's not. The first few months are the hardest. If you can manage the baby and cope during the day fine, if you can't he should be offering support.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 18/12/2014 20:24

While you find your feet no Yanbu, and there no reason he can't help at weekends anyway.

IloveOreossx · 18/12/2014 20:24

Nope. He made her too. He's as responsible as you are for her needs day and night

Wolfiefan · 18/12/2014 20:26

When my DD was tiny I got one night off a week. (No more just as DH had to be awake enough to drive safely to work!)

MumsyFoxy · 18/12/2014 20:26

No. While he's at work you"re working even harder looking after LO, only fair to share the night shifts.

AskMeAnother · 18/12/2014 20:26

By all means ask him but are there no other family members who could take some of the strain? Grandmas love to do this. Its our biological and evolutionary role to support younger mums, the reason why we didn't die off as soon as our children reached adulthood. Aunties can do it too. Think of elephants. Auntie elephants babysit.

Mmolly2013 · 18/12/2014 20:26

5 weeks is still so early. You will eventually get into a rhythm and get used to it. My baby is 4 months and for the past month I've felt somewhat normal during the day

RachelWatts · 18/12/2014 20:27

Depends what his job is.

Is he going to be operating heavy machinery or doing surgery? If so, probably best that he's well rested. Sorry.

Otherwise, he needs to do his share. Can he take a shift until maybe 2am, so you get a few hours uninterrupted sleep?

Original poster

Emma0811x · 18/12/2014 20:28

Thank you so much for answering :) I'm feeling a bit better now all my family live 40 odd miles away so it's difficult for support my mum has offered to have LO once a month to give us both a night off, which I'm incredibly greatful for!

OP posts:

bishboschone · 18/12/2014 20:29

I know lots of women ask their dh to do night shifts . I never did as I felt he was working and needed to be well rested . I did however get him to do the 11pm feed and I went to bed at 6 pm so I could have a good block of uninterrupted sleep . Could this work ?

BikeRunSki · 18/12/2014 20:30

At this stage with our first baby, I used to go to bed around 7.30pm and dh would deal with DS until midnight. I'd do after midnight. That way we both got some slept, but dh was ok-ish for work in the morning.

With the second baby it wasn't quite that easy!

HSMMaCM · 18/12/2014 20:30

DH did Friday and Saturday night when DD was little. He worked mon-fri

sunshinemeg · 18/12/2014 20:32

I do the daytime, DH does bedtime and the night. He works, but says I'm working all day with her so it's fair.

WhyTheFace · 18/12/2014 20:34

Are you still on maternity leave?

Original poster

Emma0811x · 18/12/2014 20:35

sunshinemeg wish my OH was like that! He thinks looking after a 5 week old is easy work

OP posts:

VashtaNerada · 18/12/2014 20:36

We did shifts too. I slept 9pm-12pm, then he slept 12-6 and I got another hour 6-7. The first few months are incredibly hard for both of you though, so just try to survive for now. It gets sooooo much easier!

bbcessex · 18/12/2014 20:39

Emma0811x most people, let alone DHs, think looking after babies and children is easy work until they've done it!

As long as your DH is not a pilot / driver / brain surgeon / tower block builder / tightrope walker (ie - in a job where alertness is key!) then having a newborn is going to be knackering anyway, so sharing the feeds in whatever way possible seems fair to me.

CassieBearRawr · 18/12/2014 20:39

Time for him to learn Emma!

LuannDelaney · 18/12/2014 20:40

For these early days I'd agree with the pp who go to bed as early as possible, have dh with the baby until midnight and then you take over again. Then you could both get a semi decent run of sleep. Then on dh days off make sure you spend some time all together.

Storytown · 18/12/2014 20:43

I did what bishbosh did. Fed baby c. 7/8pm and went to bed leaving Dh to do feed at about 11pm before he went to bed, then I got up in the night.

It's all very well saying he has equal responsibility but that fact is that ATM, all the responsibility for providing for the family is falling to him and that must be hard too, especially on little sleep.

If it helps, I found that life got much easier at 6 weeks and was much closer to "normal" by 3 months. Hang on in there

CarpeJugulum · 18/12/2014 20:44

Agree to the shifts. DH came in at 6 and we ate, I went to sleep at 6.30-7.00, slept until midnight or so (DS slept 10-then) then did the shifts until 4am when DS usually dropped off for another few hours so I got another couple of hours.

youareallbonkers · 18/12/2014 20:45

Can't you sleep when baby does during the day? Your husband can't nap at work. I think the sahp should do the nights

AskMeAnother · 18/12/2014 20:51

my mum has offered to have LO once a month to give us both a night off, which I'm incredibly greatful for
that's great, but can she come round to your house once a week to give you sleep time? that would be lovely.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 18/12/2014 20:55

We did the same as bikerun I went to bed at 7pm and dh had her till 11.30pm
Then I took over till the morning. We did this till she was almost 3 months old.
it didn't work with the second born either

WooWooOwl · 18/12/2014 20:58

I think every other night is unfair tbh, I agree that a SAHM, even in the early days should be doing the vast majority of the nights. A Friday or a Saturday would be better, or maybe you could get a couple of hours sleep when he gets in from work in the evening, or get him to have the baby before 11/midnight so that you can get some sleep if you go to bed early.

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