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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To do this... I feel terrible

114 replies

Emma0811x · 18/12/2014 20:22

Ok...
So my LO is almost 5 weeks old. I'm a first time mum struggling to do both day and night shifts while my partner goes off to work... Every other night I have asked him to do night shifts just so I can have an uninterrupted nights sleep so I have the energy and am more alert for the next day! Is it wrong of me to ask him to do this as he's also working? I feel soooo bad :(

OP posts:

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 18/12/2014 21:01

I agree it does depend on what he does.

I could never have asked my XH as he had to get up at 5am and had a 60 min motorway commute to work. It would have been really dangerous for him to be up half the night and then do that.

TeddyBee · 18/12/2014 21:02

How much is your baby waking at night? I BF so DH didn't do any nights until babies were a bit older, but they were generally doing a good midnight to six am stint of sleep by that point. If I had to get out of bed to feed the baby, I would probably feel differently, but I wouldn't ask DH to deal with her at night as a rule if he was working and I wasn't. I'd far rather have his help during the day to hold the baby while I had a shower or made dinner or something. Our co sleeper crib is the best thing I ever bought for the babies - means I just roll over to grab the baby to latch her on and then generally nod off again while she eats.

On reflection I think you might be being a tiny bit unreasonable. Your DH is probably thinking that you can nap during the day. Which with one child, you can a bit and I recommend you do it (if I nod off on the sofa I have two older DCs yelling at me to wake up). The split shift thing seems to work well for a lot of people too as suggested up thread - you go to bed at nine, DH has her until midnight and then you get up after that.

WhyTheFace · 18/12/2014 21:04

I used to do all day - sleeping when the baby did, then co-sleeping/baby in Moses basket next to me in the bed in the night.

I didn't get a full nights sleep at all for the first six weeks, but I absolutely napped my arse off.

I was breastfeeding though so DH couldn't help with the night shift anyway really.

It will get easier, the first 6 weeks are an exercise in sleep deprivation, designed to toughen you up for the teenage years.

Lovelydiscusfish · 18/12/2014 21:04

Does he feel happy with your request? I think that's the key. He knows the requirements of his work, how alert he needs to be etc. also, some people need more sleep than others.
If he's happy, then don't feel guilty. If he feels he won't be able to cope, then you may need to seek a compromise.

Cocolate · 18/12/2014 21:07

I never asked my dh as he was working and I wasn't and I was breastfeeding so felt it fell on me to do everything baby related. As a result I hated the baby stage with both children and if I have another will probably not bf so as dh can do his share.

RabidZombie · 18/12/2014 21:09

With DS we got into a routine for a few weeks of me feeding him until about 8 or 9 then I would go to sleep and DH would watch him while I got some sleep. Then when DS would wake for another feed at 11 or 12 he would come to bed and I would feed DS while DH went to sleep for the night. It helped to kick start my night. I was always more than happy to get DH to watch DS and DD before him while I napped during the weekend or for the odd night time feed, again at the weekend.

DaisyFlowerChain · 18/12/2014 21:11

DH did the Friday night but I did the rest as was on maternity leave so had my days free to nap when baby did and no demands of an employer to cope with. I wouldn't have asked for every other night unless he was on annual leave.

WeeFreeKings · 18/12/2014 21:17

Same as some of the other posters. Went to sleep after last evening feed then woken up by DH at midnight if DD was still awake or left to sleep with monitor next to me until she did wake.

Isn't it funny how new dads think that being at home with a baby isn't a full time job? So they do a full days 'work' out of the house and expect to have time off when they get home. I used to ask DH 'so when's my time off?' He had her on his own for a shortish day when she was 3 months old (I was BF so couldn't leave her for too long without my boobs exploding) and then he had a new found respect for how I spent my day.

We now do every other night on monitor duty as she wakes up so rarely. But I'd suggest you getting at least a 3 or 4 hour chunk of sleep in the evening to keep sane. Yes you'll miss spending time with your DH for a bit but it's a phase and it will pass!

arethereanyleftatall · 18/12/2014 21:18

I think one weekend night is fair. But, no, I'm afraid I don't think the wohp should be doing any night feeds with just one baby. Unless there's colic or something else. I second posters tho who say you can get a good 5 hours or so of sleep ib the evening before he goes to bed if required.
With my first, for some reason I used to actually get up with her at 5am or whichever ridiculous time it was, have a coffee, get dressed, ready for the day. With my second I realised it wasn't necessary - so the 5am feed was given in bed, I'd lie her next to me in bed, then fall back asleep. She'd play a bit then fall asleep, and we'd both 'properly' get up at 9.

Ledkr · 18/12/2014 21:22

Lots Men do get out of a lot of the night feeds but it always seems unfair.
First of all most women need sine time to recover from the birth and secondly a child will often still be waking when maternity leave is over so one parent has to get up and then work the next day.
My dh has always helped at night and our marriage and his relationship with the children have really benefited I think.

Siennasun · 18/12/2014 21:26

Can't you sleep when baby does during the day?

My DH used to say this when I was on maternity leave. Every time he said it I wanted to stick a fork in his face. It still gives me rage when I hear that phrase.

Maybe some people with tiny babies are able to sleep during the day. I certainly wasn't, for various reasons. Even if you can, a nap is not the same as a proper nights sleep.

My DH thought the same as you OP about looking after a baby being easy - until he did it himself! He also refused to do any nights until I was at the point of kicking him out, when DS was around 3 months. After that he did Fridays and Saturdays and things got a bit better.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 18/12/2014 21:26

I agree that it's not fair for your DH to do night shifts, AND work.
Nap during the day. He can't, but you can!
And definitely go to bed early so you can get a big block of sleep before midnight.
You'll feel so much better when you get some sleep. Are you napping during the day? NAP! Don't sorbs those previous hours washing and doing MN (like I did).

crazykat · 18/12/2014 21:28

It depends on what job your dh does as to whether yabu or yanbu. If he has a long commute, works in construction, doctor or similar then yabu, if it's office based and being sleep deprived won't mean he makes huge mistakes which could.put his job at risk then yanbu asking him to do some night shifts but even then every other night is too much. Yes he made the baby/decision to have a baby too but it's not fair to expect him to do half the night waking then go to work all day. He can't take a nap at work, at home you can nap when the baby does.

My dh works in construction and would be a danger to himself and others if he went to work sleep deprived. He used to do Saturday nights when our dcs were very little, I did the rest. It was tough, especially with more than one dc, but I was home all day while dh was working up to 12 hours mon-fri to support us. House standards slipped but we were all clean, fed and kids got to school on time and with everything they needed.

The first few months are really hard but it does get better around 3-4 months.

LokiBear · 18/12/2014 21:29

My DD only slept one during the day so napping when she did was impossible. Plus she only slept for 45 mins at a time. I agree with the posters who suggest you go to bed earlier. It was all I could do in the early days. DH then did Friday nights and Sunday mornings. Good luck x

Mummify · 18/12/2014 21:35

I agree with bikerunski et al re shifts. Also remember whatever kind of birth you had your body is still recovering from labour and pregnancy - you need sleep to aid this recovery too.
Wishing you at least a few hours of uninterupted sleep per night! x

Scotinoz · 18/12/2014 21:35

I think it's a bit unfair to be honest.

The way I see it, the person going out to a full time paid role deserves to go on a decent chunk of sleep. Essentially, to help them do their job, remain professional, not f*ck it up etc.

Yes, staying at home is really hard work but you also have the luxury of being able to park on the sofa and switch of while the baby feeds, sleeps etc. You don't get that in a paid job.

Shifts is a good compromise. My husband will still get up with our 1 year old before midnight or after 6 - that way he at least gets to go to work on six hours sleep.

Five weeks is early days - you're meant to be knackered. It gets easier

TeddyBee · 18/12/2014 21:37

Try not to get into competitive tiredness either. I can pretty much guarantee that you are more tired and everyone but your DH will acknowledge that. But it causes such bad feeling between couples it's just not worth it. It will pass.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2014 21:40

I can tell you what worked for us when ours were that age

I would go to bed at about 9pm. DH would stay up snooze on the sofa to do the 11pm/midnight feed then go to bed. I would do the 2/3/4am wake ups and he would do any around 6/7am before going to work leaving me to sleep until 8/9am

At weekends he would take turns with me on the overnights/alternate lie ins

It worked for us

Scotinoz · 18/12/2014 21:40

Oh, and someone mentioned office based work not being so risky...

Errr, miss a couple of zeros on a £200m contract? That's office work, a massive f*ck up and will put your job on the line

Imi22sleeping · 18/12/2014 21:47

To be honest I did every night shift as he was working day and night but he did th r evening shift Wed have tea together and I'd head to bed from 7-11 and at weekends hed get up with her and I'd like it I was feeding so he couldn't do the night and the one time he tried and I went in the spare room and he had a bottle ready she screamed and screamed until I got up poor husband was crying in frustration! I still haven't had a uninterrupted nights sleep in the 16months she's been here it's so hard but you need to find what suits you good luck

Mammanat222 · 18/12/2014 21:52

It depends is my honest answer.

With DS I was able to sleep with him during the day so I felt it fair that I did majority of night shifts. OH has a very manual job.

That said OH always had little one from 9ish until Midnight (or 1am) so I could get a few hours. But I never expected him to do the whole night. ... not even in weekends.

19lottie82 · 18/12/2014 21:52

Surely you should be doing a night on/off each anyway? For people that say the SAHP should do the night shifts...... Why? They have to look after the baby all day, it's not like they're at home doing nothing!

Backtobedlam · 18/12/2014 21:52

If he wants to and is happy with this arrangement then great, make the most of it! Newborns are exhausting but being at home, drinking coffee on the sofa is not the same as being at work. It's a lot to expect anyone to be up all night and then be on time, presentable, and do a full days work the next day on a regular basis.

Theorientcalf · 18/12/2014 21:53

DH did weekends, can he not do this? Or whatever days off he has.

Mammanat222 · 18/12/2014 21:54

When I was at home with DS I could (and would) nap with him during the day. I could also plan my day based on how tired I was. The working parent cannot do this?

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