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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To do this... I feel terrible

114 replies

Emma0811x · 18/12/2014 20:22

Ok...
So my LO is almost 5 weeks old. I'm a first time mum struggling to do both day and night shifts while my partner goes off to work... Every other night I have asked him to do night shifts just so I can have an uninterrupted nights sleep so I have the energy and am more alert for the next day! Is it wrong of me to ask him to do this as he's also working? I feel soooo bad :(

OP posts:

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 18/12/2014 23:04

If your bf, the other person can't feed anyway. I can see this as an advantage of bottle-feeding! If you are bf, you may as well resign yourself for long nights.

First time around, I was bf but used to wake my husband up when baby cried, got him to change nappies. We both became delirious with sleep exhaustion and it put a strain on our marriage. Second time around we agreed he needed his sleep to work and I would muddle through the week, so he slept on the sofa/another room and I bf with baby in a big bed for six months. Much better, he was rested enough to work, I wasn't disturbing him and enjoyed being in bed with dd2 (in a moses basket on the bed).

In return, he took the children out for a few hours Sat or Sun during which time I slept. I was lucky enough to sleep when the babies slept and even got them napping at the same time for 2 hours a day (Gina Ford style) so I could also have an hours nap.

You have to make it work for you and your family and people do differ in how much they can tolerate little sleep- plus anyone driving to work should not be up all night as they are positively dangerous (crashed car prompted me to sleep train).

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2014 23:05

mainlywith the first baby of course

but then I had the gumption to not have my 2nd until the 1st was in school full time

arethereanyleftatall · 18/12/2014 23:05

'You are working as much as he is'.
Nonsense. In the day with my newborn I read books, watched movies, went for walks, went for lunch/coffee with friends, slept etc. my husband saw a patient every eight minutes for eight hours.
It would have been outrageous for me to ask him to do night wakings.

littlepeas · 18/12/2014 23:05

I ebf, so it did fall largely to me, but my dh always let me sleep in in the mornings - weekends too - and quite often he would get up and bring the dc to me to feed in bed during the night. Little things like this made a big difference for us. It is much harder with the first baby than it is with subsequent dc - the adjustment is very hard for both parents, I remember the competitive tiredness and plotting to leave dh as he snored next to me during the night…….you know what to expect with subsequent dc. I don't think you are unreasonable, it is important for you to be rested and safe as well - you are in charge of a small, vulnerable person. Find a system that works for you - there are lots of suggestions on this thread.

perplexedpirate · 18/12/2014 23:07

How?!
I'm jealous.
There was always something that needed doing. Although saying that I did have OCD and related shit.
I could no more have napped than flown to the moon.

Kittymum03 · 18/12/2014 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ledkr · 18/12/2014 23:08

I can't sleep in the day, even when I worked nights I couldn't do it, not everyone can and certain things still need doing while the baby sleeps., showering, making food, washing, preparing bottles. My babies never really slept that much anyway so not a solution for everyone.

StrawberryMouse · 18/12/2014 23:10

Those of you going to bed at 6pm every night - did your relationships suffer as a result of doing this?

I always found when I had young babies that my evenings in front of the tv with dh are what saved my sanity. Being in sole charge of your baby all day is draining, no matter what anyone says. A bit of adult time is always nice.

perplexedpirate · 18/12/2014 23:12

Oh arethere, that sounds idyllic.
I realise I had a very different early days experience from others.

I can honestly say I worked harder on maternity leave than I do now, in a full time, professional position plus part-time self employed.
What a fool. Oh, to have that time again!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2014 23:14

if there was something "needed to be done" it had to wait until I had my kip

RattieBagTheOldHag · 18/12/2014 23:15

My DH never did night shifts as I was BF so it would have been a bit daft for both of us to have interrupted sleep. I was knackered but I could slob about at home in my jammies if need be. DH helped when he got home though.

I would go to bed early and if the baby fell asleep in the morning I'd nap too. It was trickier with the 2nd 3rd and 4th baby but I got better at coping.

My DH has a demanding job and me being tired at home was a better alternative than him being tired at work.

5 weeks is very little. Hopefully it will get better soon.

dreamingbohemian · 18/12/2014 23:16

If his argument is that you can do the nights because you're not working, then it's only logical that he can do nights on the weekend when he's off work.

Kittymum03 · 18/12/2014 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2014 23:17

Why would a "relationship suffer" ? We were both dying of tiredness and mega-loved up with baby on the same side.

Not much "grown up time" for the first year or so, but it never damaged our marriage. We made a babee together

Kittymum03 · 18/12/2014 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NancyJones · 18/12/2014 23:35

I could never sleep when they did.
We also did shifts and as I produced masses of milk, I would express 2 bottles worth for a fri night. I'd go to bed at 8 and get a good few hours as DH did the first 2 wakes. He'd bring baby to me the next couple of times. Him getting up and bringing them to me made a massive difference to me as it meant I didn't need to get out if bed. He'd also stay awake chatting or rubbing my back then put baby back down. For some reason this enabled me to fall back asleep immediately which really helped.
He worked f/t but I'd still occasionally ask for moral support midweek esp in the first few months.
And askmeanother, aren't you making a massive leapt to assume that the OPs mum doesn't, herself have a full time career? Mine was very professionally career driven working 60hours a week. She certainly wouldn't have been able to help even if she'd lived next door.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 18/12/2014 23:37

DD was ebf and I worked 12-15 hours a day, 11 day out of 14. I'd take DD and cook tea while DW cried herself to sleep. She'd get an hour, we'd eat and I'd go to bed for 6 hours, get up, take her for 30 minutes if she wasn't feeding, then go to work.

We had no life for a year apart from a weekend a month at my DPs. Three out of the 11 partnerships in the same NCT class didn't survive.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2014 23:40

Why did your DW cry herself to sleep, DTTYC ?

NancyJones · 18/12/2014 23:44

Kittymum, that sounds lovely! I don't have any lovely memories of early days. They were hideous each time and with no2 onwards, I spent a lot of the pregnancy dreading them. But then I don't like babies really. If I could have them all at 18mths+ then I'd have double the brood I have now.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 18/12/2014 23:46

Because she was exhausted and suffering PND. DD did not sleep for more than 2 hours until she was nearly 8 months. She wasn't a whiny or clingy baby, she just hated missing stuff. "I'm awake! Play time!".

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2014 23:47

Aww, that's a shame, Nancy. I guess we can look back with rose tinted spectacles. Mind you if there wasn't some selective amnesia going on, I am sure the human race would have dies out by now

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2014 23:47

*died

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2014 23:48

Christ, that sounds like sheer torture, DTTYC.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2014 23:50

My first didn't sleep more than 2-3 hour stretches at night then had 2 long sleeps in the day. Hence my losing consciousness retiring to my bed when she slept even if it was to read a book or just lie and look at the ceiling for a bit.

GraysAnalogy · 18/12/2014 23:56

My friend was the envy of everyone with her baby. I never believed her when she said baby slept straight through from day one until I babysat her. Absolute. Dream. And she very rarely cried. Like eerily cheerful - if that can even be a thing.

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