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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To do this... I feel terrible

114 replies

Emma0811x · 18/12/2014 20:22

Ok...
So my LO is almost 5 weeks old. I'm a first time mum struggling to do both day and night shifts while my partner goes off to work... Every other night I have asked him to do night shifts just so I can have an uninterrupted nights sleep so I have the energy and am more alert for the next day! Is it wrong of me to ask him to do this as he's also working? I feel soooo bad :(

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/12/2014 21:56

He thinks looking after a 5 week old is easy work

That's nice, he won't mind doing this at the weekends then will he?

Siennasun · 18/12/2014 21:56

Scotinoz

Anything can be risky if you're sleep deprived, including looking after a new baby. It's hard work, physically and emotionally.

If I had the choice of having a massive fuck up at work or when looking after my baby, I know which I'd choose.

WhyTheFace · 18/12/2014 22:18

God, the fucking self righteousness round here gets wearing.

The reality is that generations of women, even up to the latest generation of women get tired in the first six weeks (and beyond) of motherhood. It's bloody NORMAL. if you're home all day then you sleep when the baby sleeps unless you're not tired enough then What's The Beef? Or that you feel that you should be cleaning, and in which case, get your DH to do that when he gets home from work (ideally he should recognise that you need him to do that - you know, in a normal partnership type of way)

Looking after a baby while sleep deprived is an actual thing that happens every single day to millions of women, comparing that with driving a ten ton truck or a school bus or a ferry or operating on someone or administering drugs is a total joke.

GraysAnalogy · 18/12/2014 22:22

I think YABU

I know you're tired. I know it's bloody soul destroying, but you don't need to have your A-game whilst you're at home. You can sit on the sofa with your baby, you can try and have a rest.

Depending on your partners job, but in the majority of jobs you need to be focused and alert. I know I couldn't do my job if I had to get up with my baby all night too.

Bulbasaur · 18/12/2014 22:25

Grandmas love to do this. Its our biological and evolutionary role to support younger mums, the reason why we didn't die off as soon as our children reached adulthood.

Grandmas are also genetically predisposition to loading the kids up on sweets and spoiling them. True fact.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2014 22:29

WhyTheFace why the face ?

mistlethrush · 18/12/2014 22:30

DS had awful colic - so he screamed from 7pm until 5am at this sort of age. I went to bed at 9pm and left him to DH. DH woke me at 1am and I took over for the rest of the night.

WorraLiberty · 18/12/2014 22:30

It really does depend on his job.

Ask yourself this OP

Could you cope with an 8 or 10 hour shift including travel tomorrow morning, without running the risk of losing your job, or becoming so worn out burning the candle at both ends that you might make yourself ill?

I'm honestly not sure that I could and yet I do understand the awfulness of sleep deprivation, because I was a SAHM to all 3 of my kids.

I caught up with sleep whenever I could and my DH did the weekend night shifts.

It does get easier although you might not think that now

MrsKoala · 18/12/2014 22:32

Exactly the same as AF's routine. With ds1 i did the feed at 9pm then went to bed. DH did midnight and brought baby up. i did 2/3am. it meant we both got at least 5hrs each. DH slightly more, but i was also able to nap. i did no housework and slept everytime ds did. I also co-slept and bfed, which meant i never really woke up/had to get out of bed during night feeds.

Its worse but easier (if that makes sense) with the second. i can't nap in the day and do all feeds bar the 6am one. But for some reason i am used to it. i remember that crippling feeling of exhaustion the first time round and it's fucking awful. you have my sympathy.

littlejohnnydory · 18/12/2014 22:32

I wouldn't ask him to do every other night if he has to go to work. Maybe give you a lie in at the weekend?

If you've got no other children at home then you can sleep when baby sleeps or at least rest, which he won't be able to do.

If you're not breastfeeding then you could ask him to do one night a week? Mine have been breastfed so I've always done all day and night shifts when they're very tiny and it does take quite a few months for things to feel normal again, it might be a matter of adjusting your expectations - you will feel tired, and you won't get much done apart from looking after baby - but these first months are such a short time. Try to enjoy it, stay in bed with baby in the mornings, just cuddle baby and rest. Then definitely rest when baby sleeps during the day! It's very early days, you've only just given birth and you have a newborn - don't expect too much of yourself.

Not sure why you feel bad though, what does do think about doing some of the nights?

MrsKoala · 18/12/2014 22:33

oh and at weekends we both got a lie in on one day and had an afternoon nap on the other. (both 3hrs min)

Siennasun · 18/12/2014 22:36

Whytheface

Is that aimed at my last post? I was responding to pp saying that it's "risky" to be sleep deprived in an office job in case you fuck up a big deal. Obviously if you're doing certain jobs - surgeon, lorry driver, etc it's more important to not be sleep deprived. If DP does a job like that they would be justified in refusing to do any nights. If they work in an office, less so.

The reality is that generations of women have done lots of things that aren't right or fair. That doesn't mean that they should be NORMAL and yours is the most selfrighteous post on this whole thread

whois · 18/12/2014 22:38

I don't think you can ask him to do every other night. You can nap at home when your baby sleeps and DP can't at work.

It would be totally fine for him to do one night at the weekend and for you to have one massive lie in at the weekend. It would also be good if her could do the evening shift and allow you to go to bed mega early.

VashtaNerada · 18/12/2014 22:44

Every family and every baby is different OP - I certainly couldn't 'sleep when the baby sleeps'.
I had a relatively short maternity leave and returning to work was WONDERFUL, so much easier than the constant demands of a newborn. But as I say we're all different and you just have to do what works for your family.

Siennasun · 18/12/2014 22:50

Also, I have a very challenging job with a lot of responsibility. On top of that, I'm often driving more than 2 hours in a day. DS still doesn't sleep well and I have often done this on little to no sleep. It's certainly not easy but honestly, I don't think it's any harder than those first few weeks at home with a new born baby.
and I wish people would stop saying sleep when the baby does because it's making me

Purplepoodle · 18/12/2014 22:51

Dh looked after dc until he went to bed at 11pm (I dived into bed at 8pm when he came in) then he used to do the morning feed before work so I could get another hour - he slept in spare room during the night while I did night feeds. But he took after nightfeed on fri and sat.

Purplepoodle · 18/12/2014 22:52

I could never do the sleep when baby sleeps during the day

Bartlebee · 18/12/2014 22:54

I didn't do this.

I wasn't working, he was. I was able to nap during the day with the baby.

He had a long commute - there's no way he could be up half the night with a baby too.

I did bugger all else apart from baby care, so he was more than doing his share. Also, ours were ebf, so dh was slightly redundant in the feeding department.

Like others, I used to go to bed earlyish and dh would bring the baby up with him when he went to bed.

Spadequeen · 18/12/2014 22:57

Yabu.

I agree, looking after a new baby is tough, it's hard demanding work, no lunch hour, no time off. What did you think it was going to be like? However you will get the chance to nap during the daytime, I doubt your dp does. Friday and/or Saturday nights he can do, you can take turns for lie ins at the weekend but to expect him to do night feeds and work the next day is unreasonable.

I promise you though, it will get better, you will get to have a full nights sleep again, these early days are very tough.

What about you getting to bed early and him doing the 11pm feed (or whenever the late night feed is) then you do the early mornings so your both getting some sleep, just not at the same time.

And congratulations!

Ledkr · 18/12/2014 22:59

My 3 yr old has been waking up in the night this week due to a cough and cold, dh and I take turns to frog march her back to bed. Sometimes four times.
We still go to work the next day tho.
You dint have to have an interrupted 8 hrs to go to work!

perplexedpirate · 18/12/2014 23:00

My HV told me that 'hubby needs his sleep' and that I shouldn't disturb his valuable rest. He should have a comfortable bed and me and 'baby' should sleep on the sofa if need be.
My HV was a total, batshit loon.
I was in her last group before she retired, it was only that that stopped me making a formal complaint.
You need sleep. You are 'working' as much as he is.

Kittymum03 · 18/12/2014 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

realme · 18/12/2014 23:02

OP ,you can spend your day on the sofa feeding the baby,you can nap when the baby does,its not like you have to run around after a toddler,or be up early for the school run.I always did night feeds,went tyo bed early if tired(babies tend to sleep longer the first part of the night),andnco slept.simples.your OH can help in other ways,cook dinner,housework etc.

perplexedpirate · 18/12/2014 23:02

And at 'sleep when the baby sleeps'!
Who does this?!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2014 23:03

I did

I used to literally take myself to bed for 2-3 hours when the baby was asleep

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