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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect people to use my actual surname when sending us Xmas cards

280 replies

CantStopEatingCheese · 16/12/2014 13:32

First AIBU post so be gentle!

Every year this gets to me. I am married but never changed my surname to DH's surname. Every year Christmas cards arrive with "Mr + Mrs DHSurname" on the envelope. I am not Mrs DHSurname, I am Mrs CantStopEatingCheese. I would expect cards addressed to "Mr DHSurname and Mrs CantStopEatingCheese". Is that too much to ask?

I can uderstand it coming from elderly relatives (for whom the concept might be alien). I can understand it from people who maybe don't know us very well (or only know DH and might not be aware of my surname). I can even understand cards addressed to "DHSurname Family" (both DCs have his surname so there are more of them than me). But from my own parents? Close friends of mine who've known me since before I got married? Is this not a bit weird?

Can I add that I come from a country where women don't change their name when getting married (there is no official way for achieving this) and that when this law was passed back in the 80's my mum changed her name back to her maiden name (my parents are still married).

OP posts:
Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 17/12/2014 07:06

Another thing - people spell and pronounce my name wrong several times a day. I think I may have been desensitised. I make a huge effort to get everyone's name right because it's a nice thing to do.

Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 17/12/2014 07:07

That would piss me right off.

YonicSleighdriver · 17/12/2014 07:09

Yy bring. When I told dm I was keeping my name she wondered how she was gonna remember.

Just use the form you have for the last 25 years, mother!

BringMeTea · 17/12/2014 07:13

Yes, in her case it is definitely passive aggressive. I have done something she thinks is 'incorrect' so she will just ignore it. It is made more hurtful because a big part of keeping my name is because my dear dad died quite recently and I am the only living person apart from my mother to carry on the name. Absolute end of the line stuff.

notinagreatplace · 17/12/2014 08:43

This has always annoyed me but I must say that, before reading this thread, I hadn't realised that a) there are people who have explicitly thought about it and decided that calling me the right name doesn't matter because I'm a woman and so it just isn't important and b) that there are people who have thought about it and decided that I am somehow 'uppity' and self-important for not having seen the point in a whole raft of paperwork for 'tradition'.

Really, if you can't be bothered to find out your friends' names or think they are self-important and ridiculous for their choices, do them a favour and just don't send them a card.

Funny thing, that I don't feel particularly grateful for people like this sending me cards.

HazleNutt · 17/12/2014 08:49

notinagreatplace, and don't forget that according to some people, as you didn't change your name, you're not even properly married.

Chunderella · 17/12/2014 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 17/12/2014 09:26

And then there are the people who address cards to The Smith's.

Paloma12 · 17/12/2014 09:37

So what do you do in the Booth/Blair scenario? Take offence either way?

Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 17/12/2014 09:49

Chezza and Tone worked last year.

ChubbyKitty · 17/12/2014 09:49

I like to double check I'm writing cards to real people.

It comes from everyone ever spelling my first name wrong. Particularly embarrassing when you're at an event and everyone has read it and assumed you're a bloke.

I'm definitely not a bloke. I like to think I'd know.

rainyevening · 17/12/2014 09:51

I must confess I do find the whole 'Jack Smith and Jane Jones' combo quite wearing to do lots and lots of times when addressing Christmas cards, and feminist that I am, have found myself wishing that my friends changed their surnames. Blush

My time-saving compromise is to address the envelope to 'The Smith Joneses', which covers everyone, including combos of kids who might have different surnames.

5madthings · 17/12/2014 09:58

People tend to address cards to the 'madthingfamily' mysurname-dpssurname. The madthings are double barreled, so this is fine.

We are getting married next May after 17 yrs!! I won't be changing my name but I do get post and emails addressed to Mrs dps surname already. The emails are infuriating as my email addy is MY name and I sign of miss mysurnane and yer some people still reply to mrs dps surname!!

It's just bloody rude I always take a moment to make sure I address people correctly in email or letter etc, it's not difficult.

loveareadingthanks · 17/12/2014 10:20

I think it's really offensive when it's friends and close family.

People who can't really be expected to know or remember your name, not so much. I live with DP and we are not married. One of his distant cousins sent us a Christmas card addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisname. Did it bother me? No. They have no idea if we are married or not, I've only met them once briefly, I think they did well to remember my first name!

But people who actually know me .. don't fuck with my name, thanks. I have zero tolerance of this.

I did not change my name when I married ex husband and the only people who 'couldn't remember' or just plain refused to accept it were MIL (silly cow) and an older male friend who seemed to find it offensive in some way. Oh, and the complete strangers (man at the council offices who reduced me to tears accusing me of having a fake arranged marriage, twat).

The excuses people are making on here are ludicrous. I'm sure you have people to write to who are not married and so you accept they have different names so put them both on. It's not too much effort/not enough space/too hard to remember two names in that case, is it. Two people, two names, exactly the same situation. How lazy are people that can't 'be bothered' to write for another couple of seconds. If it's that much of an ordeal, try cutting down on the number of cards you send.

daisychain01 · 17/12/2014 10:21

My friend went through a very acrimonious split but I continue to address her by her married name until she tells me otherwise. I don't want to ask her at the moment as it's all still too recent. I am hoping she will bring the subject up if she wants me to change her birthday and Christmas cards.

Unlike a couple of people who unilaterally decided to revert me to my maiden name on my cards after my DH died.

That really made me Angry Angry Angry

Names are very personal and symbolic to us. If you were my RL friend OP I would have checked around the time you got married how you wanted to be addressed in future and respect that.

daisychain01 · 17/12/2014 10:37

It seems like the 'received wisdom' on this is that the onus is initially on the person who is going g through a 'life event' where their name might / might not be changed to let people know (once) and from then on for people to respect their wishes? Otherwise people could be left guessing and end up making a wrong assumption.

In my case I haven't wanted to check with my friend 'has your decree Absolute come through yet? Are you changing your name back? Because it seems a bit tactless. But maybe I should just come out and ask. Knowing her she is someone who values the status of Mrs. So it feels painful to ask.

BringMeTea · 17/12/2014 10:43

OMG daisychain that is shocking! Cunts. Did you ever mention it? What shitty behaviour.

The divorced issue is interesting. MIL divorced 30 years ago. She left him as he was a feckless alcoholic. She kept her married name. She just says people knew her as that name. I don't get it but I accept her right to be addressed however she chooses. It is good manners.

notinagreatplace · 17/12/2014 10:46

I feel like you should use the name that you have always used for that person, until they ask you to use a different one.

So, if someone gets married, unless they tell you that they've changed their name, you use their birth name. If someone gets divorced, you use the name that you've been using for them until they tell you otherwise.

Of course, by "tell you", I don't necessarily literally mean that they send you a card in the post with their name change on it, I mean through usual social dialogue - if one of my friends gets married and changes their name on Facebook or e-mails from them suddenly pop up with a different surname, I assume that they have changed their name.

In my case, I have never ever in any context whatsoever used my DH's name. Nevertheless, people still think I've taken it. These are people who regularly get e-mails from me, see me on Facebook, etc. I don't know what more I can do. Except stop being friends with them because they obviously don't respect my choices.

Madamecastafiore · 17/12/2014 10:48

I've started addressing cards to Mr Soandso and then just putting their wife/partners name inside because I really am unaware of whether people have kept their name or not and I can't be doing with having to think or not abut whether I am offending people.

Just be fucking grateful that during this really busy time I have taken the time sit down and write a card wishing you good tidings and then got my arse (read DHs arse) to the post office to post them.

notinagreatplace · 17/12/2014 10:51

Madame - sorry, I'm not grateful to people who can't be arsed to know what my name is. I'd rather you didn't bother with a card. I bet you somehow find the energy to find out mens' names.

loveareadingthanks · 17/12/2014 11:00

Madame - so somehow you manage to know all the men's names but not the women's? I could understand that if you knew the men first and the women were their partners you met later, but that would be a huge coincidence. You don't have any female relatives or friends who have partners?

AnnieLobeseder · 17/12/2014 11:20

Madame, if I got a card from you addressed only to DH and you knew both of us, not only would the card go straight in the bin, I think any contact between us would be cut. I would not be "fucking grateful" for such blatant misogyny and you're frankly unhinged if you think people should be grateful just because you put effort into insulting them.

daisychain01 · 17/12/2014 11:42

Bringmetea thank you for your empathy because it was one of those things that at the time I was incensed by their crassness but a bit wibbly about whether I was BU.

I did mention it to one person but honestly I don't think it really sank in how awful it felt. The other person is a non - problem as they are no longer in my life for a multitude of reasons!

I am pleased that the consensus is the wait until you are told approach. I'm paranoid about offence Blush

BringMeTea · 17/12/2014 11:42

Another aside. I was handed a Christmas card last week by a good friend. We were having our Christmas meet up as won't be in the same country over the season. The card was labelled: DH name and my name. Now, she has probably met my DH under a dozen times (we met and married within 2 years) so they definitely do not have a long established relationship. Being me I immediately looked quizzical and asked why she had put DH name first. She said oh I knew you'd mention that. But look inside, your name is first. She has also bought him a beautifully wrapped present. I was a bit Xmas Confused

BringMeTea · 17/12/2014 11:45

daisy i think it's good you broached it. Not sure about disingenous lack of understanding but glad the other is gone from your life.