To expect people to use my actual surname when sending us Xmas cards

[CantStopEatingCheese]

First AIBU post so be gentle!

Every year this gets to me. I am married but never changed my surname to DH's surname. Every year Christmas cards arrive with "Mr + Mrs DHSurname" on the envelope. I am not Mrs DHSurname, I am Mrs CantStopEatingCheese. I would expect cards addressed to "Mr DHSurname and Mrs CantStopEatingCheese". Is that too much to ask?

I can uderstand it coming from elderly relatives (for whom the concept might be alien). I can understand it from people who maybe don't know us very well (or only know DH and might not be aware of my surname). I can even understand cards addressed to "DHSurname Family" (both DCs have his surname so there are more of them than me). But from my own parents? Close friends of mine who've known me since before I got married? Is this not a bit weird?

Can I add that I come from a country where women don't change their name when getting married (there is no official way for achieving this) and that when this law was passed back in the 80's my mum changed her name back to her maiden name (my parents are still married).

Malice - do you purposely address married women by their husband's surname even though they haven't changed their name? If so, that makes you incredibly rude. Why would you do that to a friend? If they have changed their name, then you're just addressing them by their name so there's no need to feel weird about it. You're being something of an arse by not adding the woman's initial, though. That old-fashioned form is no longer the accepted "way it's done".

is lesbian supposed to be an insult?

Oh i see Malice, you are one of those 'i'm mad me' humourless berks who thinks it's funny to 'wind people up' rather than think of something genuinely funny. A bit like a sad uncle everyone tolerates out of pity.

Exactly like that. I'm taking the pee a bit more on here than I would in real life. The correct response is usually to ignore.

I dare say things will change, but it'll take a while. The improtant thing is that people have (and retain) choice.

*HazleNutt> I was trying (unscuessfully) to be ironic. I'm geneuinely not trying to cause offence. As I say, I'm a wind-up merchant. That was a step too far. Sorry.

So you are now writing posts that you recommend people ignore? How constructive.

I know, but this topic has been done to death. THe actual, propoer and constructive answer is as follows:

OP You're not being unreasonable to expect people to use your actual surname. Most people (I exclude myself) would have done it in error. Mention it when it next comes up, but otherwise, get on with your life.

Excuse typos. Fat fingers.

It comes up every year because it pisses people off every year and guess what? There are hundreds and thousands of registered MNers, not all of them read last year's threads - did you?

Why not take your own advice and ignore the topic if it bores you.

Oh, and calling feminists lesbians has been done to death far more than this topic, don't you think?

I send about 20-30 cards (my husband sends his own to his friends and his half of the family) and do like to get names right. Most of my female friends like me kept their own surname so I often address them to Mr Smith and Ms/Dr Bloggs or the Smith/Bloggs family or just put 1 name on the envelope and all first names on card inside. I think if you care enough about someone to send them a card you should try and get their name right or just put the name you know on the envelope.
The occasional friend of my parents send me a card and call me Mrs husbands name but that doesn't bother me, if it's people I see regularly I tell them I've always kept my name.

Why do so many male posters seem to claim 'fat fingers'? Do fat fingered men tend to post on MN more? (side issue)

yse we cretailny do.

Another one in from another DH's aunt addessed to me as Mrs DH

Another thing I noticed is all his aunts sign the husbands name first and theirs second - it's them writing the card so got me wondering is that unusual? If i'm signing something from us all I sign with my name first

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights

Oh do you Annie? Well, each to their own. I find it very pretentious

Sour grapes is an unattractive trait. It sounds as if you don't know what it takes to achieve a hard-won Doctorate and why it isn't 'pretentious' after slogging away for at least 3 years of your life, to enjoy that title written down (especially not on a congratulations Dr. Annie card! )

If you haven't already, maybe try a PhD sometime and you'll see what I mean, it isn't for the faint-hearted!

It's not pretentious, because it's not pretending to anything. You get given the title for making a significant contribution to understanding in your area, as decided by people eminent in the field. It's not a pretence. Any more than it's a pretence to use your title to make sure everyone knows you got yourself a man, when you did.

Interestingly, I've noticed over the last few years that it's usually DH's friends who get my name wrong. My fired ends, my family and at least half of DH's family manage to get it right, more or less because they have manners. My 88 year old grandmother I suspect thinks we're mad to have 3 family members with 3 different surnames, but she's pomite enough not to have mentioned it, and to get the names right. Which is curious because she's antagonistic and ride as hell in many other contexts.

So, given it's my husband's friends who mainly do this, it reads as very much 'Husband and Husband's Appendage'. Which, y'know, I don't count as having given terribly much thought, and so in quite happy to say it irks me and DH makes jokes about delivering them to the secret wife who lives in the attic.

Being a Dr is pretentious!
Brilliant!
Oh wait, you weren't joking?

Nope. Being a Dr isn't pretentious, wanting family Christmas Cards and your power bill to reflect it, and having a strop when they don't, is.

Nit, you might want to look up the meaning of the word.

Anyway, these threads are always the same. People chucking their toys out of the cot over what's written on the envelope, rather than what's in the card.

It's petty and pathetic IMO, so I'll leave you all to it.

Again, so it's pretentious if you don't want to be called Mrs John Smith, when your actual name is Dr Jane Jones?

Meh, I had a card to DH, our DD and his ex wifes name.They haven't been married for 20 year and she unfortunately died a couple of year ago.I popped it in the bin.

YANBU OP. It's rude to get people's names wrong, and it's no more trouble to address a card correctly than incorrectly.

In addition, when the incorrect address carries with it outdated patriarchal assumptions about the role of women, it is naturally more annoying than (for instance) a simple spelling mistake would be.

When we live in a society where just as many men take their wife's surname as women take their husband's, then I will stop thinking that this matters.

Poor chipping. Now who's doing a strop and spitting their dummy out

My Boden catalogue is addressed to Princess HowsTheSerenity
I felt like an upgrade.