To expect people to use my actual surname when sending us Xmas cards

[CantStopEatingCheese]

First AIBU post so be gentle!

Every year this gets to me. I am married but never changed my surname to DH's surname. Every year Christmas cards arrive with "Mr + Mrs DHSurname" on the envelope. I am not Mrs DHSurname, I am Mrs CantStopEatingCheese. I would expect cards addressed to "Mr DHSurname and Mrs CantStopEatingCheese". Is that too much to ask?

I can uderstand it coming from elderly relatives (for whom the concept might be alien). I can understand it from people who maybe don't know us very well (or only know DH and might not be aware of my surname). I can even understand cards addressed to "DHSurname Family" (both DCs have his surname so there are more of them than me). But from my own parents? Close friends of mine who've known me since before I got married? Is this not a bit weird?

Can I add that I come from a country where women don't change their name when getting married (there is no official way for achieving this) and that when this law was passed back in the 80's my mum changed her name back to her maiden name (my parents are still married).

I always address things to Mr and mrs Hisname. Can't be bothered to observe every possible combination. Plus, if you are secure in your identity and oh-so-important, why would you remotely worry what someone writes on a Christmas card envelope??

"Oh-so-important"? When would that ever be said to a man?
Ffs

I can just about see that those who knew the man first might never know the woman's surname. But my side of the family are the worst offenders!

Paloma, if your colleagues or friends suddenly addressed you as Cecily, you wouldn't have to be insecure in your identity to say "oi, call me Paloma, please"!

Iggi - I'd say the same to a man who was moaning about the "wrong" name in a Christmas card. In fact, it always amuses me when friends insist on continuing to use my maiden name - like I care!

'I don't understand why people want to keep their dad's name.'

I don't think a week passes where I don't read this idiotic remark.

So if someone is secure and important, you address them by a made-up name?
What?
Just...what?!

If they are continuing to use it when you have changed your name, that's impolite too.

Quite, squoosh. So apparently women don't actually get a name of their own. First they have their "Dad's Name" and then then have their "Husband's Name".

I have invented my own first name. I have double-barrelled my surname so it reflects my past, my present and my future. I have earned my title. I love my name - every part of it. I am Dr Annie Hakol-Beseder. Each part of my name is precious to me and has evolved with me as I have become the person I am.

If you call me Mrs DH Lobeseder, you are not addressing me. That is not my name. You might as well write Lord Eddard Stark, for all that it means to me. A Christmas card with that name on is for someone else and is meaningless.

Why would anyone who cares enough to send me a card and does actually know my name deliberately or carelessly erase everything of who I am and replace me with some imaginary person who doesn't exist, created entirely from the spurious fact that I happen to be married to DH? And why should I find that anything less than deeply hurtful?

It would be helpful to give people a clue/ reminder if you are out of the ordinary. Just put your address and preferred name combo on the back of the envelope or something. Else they probalby can't remember.

For instance my uncle and aunt got divorced (I think) years ago. Now they are back together. I can't remotely remember her maiden name. So I get a card from them "from Roy and Janet" as it were - not "From Roy Smith and Janet Jones". I just fudge by writing "to Janet and Roy Smith" on the envelope and hope they interpret it as "to Janet, and Roy Smith" if they prefer it.

If you are friends with someone, you address them by their name, whether that name is new, old or made up from a bunch of spilled scrabble letters when they were pissed.
If you are not friends (and if you can't even be arsed finding out their name I'd assume you aren't) don't send them a card.
Sending cards deliberately addressed incorrectly is really passive aggressive and designed to cause ill-feeling, which is NOT very Christmassy, is it now?

Raiding, address it to "Janet and Roy"? Or to "Roy Smith"? Or ask?

We stated our unchanged names at our wedding.

Most of the Mr and Mrs offenders were at our wedding. We can but try.

I know, I know. Most of our Christmas cards are sent to people we haven't seen or contacted in any other way for 10 or 15 years, is the thing.

But then why send them a card if you never speak to them?
I don't send any, so I appreciate I may not be 'getting' this.

I think that's a whole other discussion PP

Addressing a woman by her husband's surname on a Christmas card envelope is hardly using a made-up name. Besides, many of my friends have a Cherie Blair/Booth arrangement, so it's a minefield. But presumably these kind card senders are actually your friends, so the good outweighs the minor irritation??

I use both names but I use Miss with my maiden name - as I remember reading somewhere that it's Miss Elizabeth Taylor and if anyone was married, she was!

paloma personally I find it much worse when it does come from friends. I wouldn't expect my MIL's second cousin to know anything about my life, or care enough about me to find out what my surname is. But my friends? They're supposed to care. My feelings should matter to them. Besides, they like all my Facebook posts. They see my name written down every day. Not actually using it is rude, thoughtless, and makes me question our relationship.

Nobody thinks it's acceptable to get someone's first name wrong. I have several relatives who have decided to use their middle name instead of their first name. As soon as they announced the change, everyone made a special effort to use the new name, regardless of their own thoughts on the matter. To do otherwise would be rude and disrespectful. Why should surnames be different?

Addressing a woman by her husband's surname on a Christmas card envelope is hardly using a made-up name.

Of course it is, if it has never been her name.

I would agree that it is passive aggressive & intended to irritate

I choose to do it occasionally , makes me smile to think of them prickle. Same ones are judgy cows.
I wouldn't do it to someone I liked.

Well gosh, don't you have a lovely life, sending Christmas cards to people you don't like?

Do you give men you don't like different names as well, or do you have other methods for them?

Squoosh - I really didn't get it. Now I do. Not idiotic just hadn't spent any length of time thinking about it. I quite liked the reinvention aspect of changing my surname. I didn't particularly like the person I was. And for the record, I would've been totally supportive of DH changing his surname to mine.

This is my first Christmas as a married woman. I have not changed my name and am in fact the only member of the family alive with my surname apart from my mother. Cue her Christmas card arriving addressed to Mr and Mrs DH first name DH last name. I have ceased to exist apparently. She has form though so not actually surprised.

The problem is making an assumption that can no longer be made.