To expect people to use my actual surname when sending us Xmas cards

[CantStopEatingCheese]

First AIBU post so be gentle!

Every year this gets to me. I am married but never changed my surname to DH's surname. Every year Christmas cards arrive with "Mr + Mrs DHSurname" on the envelope. I am not Mrs DHSurname, I am Mrs CantStopEatingCheese. I would expect cards addressed to "Mr DHSurname and Mrs CantStopEatingCheese". Is that too much to ask?

I can uderstand it coming from elderly relatives (for whom the concept might be alien). I can understand it from people who maybe don't know us very well (or only know DH and might not be aware of my surname). I can even understand cards addressed to "DHSurname Family" (both DCs have his surname so there are more of them than me). But from my own parents? Close friends of mine who've known me since before I got married? Is this not a bit weird?

Can I add that I come from a country where women don't change their name when getting married (there is no official way for achieving this) and that when this law was passed back in the 80's my mum changed her name back to her maiden name (my parents are still married).

I've been ground down - I barely notice anymore.
But when I notice that I am Mrs. MehsDad, complete with DH's initials, I do grind my teeth a little.

Oh this thread moved fast while I was replying to the second post! I think my response covers a few of the following posts. It doesn't annoy me so much as to have a go at them or stop sending cards. It has become a bit of a joke between my DH and me. (As the only Mr and Mrs DHSurname I know are my parents-in-law so I always joke that another cards for his parents has arrived at our address.)

Ok then it's just me and DidoTheDodo. And yes I do usually use Ms if I have to choose on a form. So I guess that's what I should have written. (I thought the choice between Mrs and Miss indicates whether you are married or not and that Ms indicates that it's not important or you don't want to disclose your status. As I'm married I would assume that I have a choice between Mrs and Ms. But if that's not the case I stand corrected. I'd rather be a Ms but wouldn't expect people to know that when addressing cards.)

So seems like I should be off worrying about more important issues in my life!

YANBU, but I can't be bothered to explain why to all out there who don't get it, it's pretty obvious why it's U.

You are married therefore you are Mrs husband's name you just choose not to use it.

Mystified as to why though...unless he has a really awful surname?

Why do you use mrs though?

No no you are I am not Mrs Hisname and not choosing not to use it. I am just not! (I actually chose my own surname and am sticking firmly to it). Changing your name on marriage is not a legal or other requirement.

I send stuff to my bil and his husband addresses to Mr and Mrs husband

Sorry x-post. Yes of course you can choose your title, using mrs seems a bit weird, but then I don't know your reasons for not changing your name.

YANBU, I think it's just courtesy to get someone's name right...even my very traditional grandmother addressed my cards with my name when I asked her (and was secretly glad as it's a nice surname). Oddly my BIL's wife uses her maiden name for work as she's a doctor but insists on writing cards for all occasions to me as Mrs DHsurname. I have told her that person is dragon MIL or herself, but it's definitely not my name.

To answer a PP you can't usually change your surname in Spain, there have been court cases where people become a man or woman and then have ridiculous red tape to use another name. The concept that we can just change our name by deed poll is alien.

I'm afraid you are. Using it is not a legal requirement but that is still your correct title. They pronounce you husband and wife, not husband and someone who won't take her husband's surname for some invented reason

"You are married therefore you are Mrs husband's name you just choose not to use it."

what a load of crap - your name doesn't change automatically on marriage, that would be a choice you'd need to make.

i feel your pain OP, it's about the lack of care - and if folk aren't sure then they could just address it to your first names, pretty sure the posties don't enforce adherence to Debrett's approved form of address.

I receive cards to Mr and Mrs Morelli, and we aren't even married.

I would prefer that to what I get from people who don't know my surname.

Mr Smith (him) and Mabel (me).
It makes me sound like a conjuror's assistant.

I don't remember whether half of my friends have officially changed names or not, some have done it later than the wedding, some not at all and so on.

As for remembering which surname or made-up name their children then have, nope, don't know that either.

I think the days of sending cards are past anyway, and perhaps this is one of the reasons why, people are looking for offense where none exists, I would be delighted to get a card for a friend and while I might notice if they called me by the wrong name (which is very likely as I didn't go around sending out official notifications after the wedding and I have a different title as well plus foreign name) I wouldn't be upset, I'd just be happy to get a card.

I see your point, but it's not something I'd get worked up about. Me and my DP aren't married (yet) and I get post addressed to Mr & Mrs DPsurname. They know we aren't married. Is it a big deal? Well, not really.

Perhaps at weddings instead of toasting the bride and groom a formal announcement of names could be made? I have lots of friends that I wouldn't necessarily know had changed name on marriage or not. I usually opt for 'first name and first name' if in doubt.

My brother and his wife have just had a baby - they received a congratulations card where someone had made up an alternative to the (very unusual) name because they couldn't remember it. And they wrote 'I think it's something like that anyway'. It was hilarious.

The 'Mr & Mrs DH initial and surname' is what people of a certain age and older were taught at school as the correct way to address a letter; there's no malice in it unless you have pointed it out to them that you don't like it (I'm mid 40s and was taught this way but do try to do both initials now to move with the times).

I would suggest that if you have received every single Christmas card with DH's surname on it, it suggests to me that you haven't communicated as clearly as needed how you want to addressed to your family and friends; surely every single person in your social circle wouldn't have done this deliberately if they had known your preference. You will have to tell each of them next time you speak to them to make sure it is right next time.

At least the card inside will have the right name.

YANBU at all, and if you want to use Mrs. Yoursurname I don't see why not. (personally I'd like to get rid of Mrs, and in fact all titles, but you can call yourself whatever you like as long as you're not defrauding anyone).

It's slow work, but I've found that return address labels help over time. I got really fed up with being the person who bothered sending cards, and getting ones back addressed to DH + chattel. My return address labels just have my details on (X.Y.Mysurname) - if DH wants his on there, he can print some and write half the cards. We now get a wide mixture of formats, but as long as it's about a 50:50 split of ones that use either just his or just my surname, I can live with it. I've never understood the obsession with surnames on cards and postcards though, what is wrong with first names?

When we married we put a line at the bottom of the information bit saying neither of us would be changing our names. Just so it was clear.

And just to reiterate, it is NOT a legal requirement for a woman to change her name to that of her husband on marriage. We are still husband and wife with everything that legally entails.

Good work. Wish all my friends had thought to do that!

I do find this a minefield and try so hard to get it right…. My friend recently changed her name back to her maiden after a messy divorce but her son kept his surname and her partner and two more children have a different name. I have just posted a card addressed to the 'Smith-Jones-Bloggs Household' please someone tell me this is acceptable!

I think if you have let people know then YANBU to expect correctly addressed cards.

My problem is that we have a few unmarried couples that have had children this year- I have no idea what their child's surname id and feel daft asking so envelopes are increasingly just first names to save offending anyone.

why do you even send cards to millions of people, with whom you are not even close enough to know their names? Kind of pointless.

x-post Vacant, wasn't addressed to you but earlier posters, who said they send too many cards to care.

Annoys me too. I didn't change my name either. DNS family send me cheques on my birthday too in dds surname. We have told them a few times but it's embarrassing and feels a bit rude so we don't bother now, I just say thank but don't cash them,
It's not a huge deal but an overhang from a patriarchal society IMHO.
I sent dh a birthday card this year to Mr L A Ledkr. He said he could see why that would be annoying.