To expect people to use my actual surname when sending us Xmas cards

[CantStopEatingCheese]

First AIBU post so be gentle!

Every year this gets to me. I am married but never changed my surname to DH's surname. Every year Christmas cards arrive with "Mr + Mrs DHSurname" on the envelope. I am not Mrs DHSurname, I am Mrs CantStopEatingCheese. I would expect cards addressed to "Mr DHSurname and Mrs CantStopEatingCheese". Is that too much to ask?

I can uderstand it coming from elderly relatives (for whom the concept might be alien). I can understand it from people who maybe don't know us very well (or only know DH and might not be aware of my surname). I can even understand cards addressed to "DHSurname Family" (both DCs have his surname so there are more of them than me). But from my own parents? Close friends of mine who've known me since before I got married? Is this not a bit weird?

Can I add that I come from a country where women don't change their name when getting married (there is no official way for achieving this) and that when this law was passed back in the 80's my mum changed her name back to her maiden name (my parents are still married).

If it's ok for families to "upgrade" your title from Miss to Mrs when you marry, why on earth shouldn't they call you "Dr" once you become entitled to that, a real achievement?

LOL @ Chunderella.

Chipping - I don't expect my family to start calling me Dr as in "Hi Dr Annie"

But I do expect them to use my correct title or Dr instead of Mrs (which I didn't use anyway) if they choose to use a title for me when addressing a card.

I don't expect anybody to use any titles when addressing me. But if they decide they want to, why not the correct one?

Throwing my tuppenceworth in on a couple of points raised above - I do tend to be writing cards in a terrible rush, so if the surname of my friend's (OF EITHER GENDER BEFORE ANYONE JUMPS ON ME) partner momentarily escapes me whilst I'm addressing the envelope, I just put my friend's name down. As I hope the caps make clear, that applies whether my friend is male or female.

So where the woman in the partnership is the partner I know best, I would obviously know how they've chosen to be addressed, surname-wise, and would address them accordingly. But often I won't know or remember the surname of the bloke and therefore will just address to the woman but put both names inside. If I know the bloke best and don't know the woman's surname or how she prefers to be addressed, the opposite will apply. I also know a few gay couples and if I don't know the partner's surname or how he/she prefers to be addressed, will just address to my friend and again write both names inside.

I am very a bit disorganised and don't have an address book - I try to write things down in my email contacts over the course of the year when people change their addresses, but don't always manage. There are always a few I have to email to ask at Christmas time. I don't ask for their partners' surnames at the same time as I think that looks a bit odd. For me, it's more important to send the card with a nice message than to get both names on the front of the envelope (which in most cases will just be chucked in the bin in any case).

I am Ms Welshwabbit at work, but Mrs husband'ssurname for other purposes (including facebook). I took my husband's surname because I never really liked mine much and retaining the name was much more important to him than it was to me - and I wanted the whole family to have the same surname. Entirely understand why other people make different choices, and it is entirely up to them. I know my way of doing it is complicated and I really don't mind whether our cards are addressed to Ms Welshwabbit, Mrs husband'ssurname, Mr husband'ssurname, both of us or even Mr & Mrs Husband'sInitial Husband'sSurname. Well, only my elderly relatives do that - I would be a bit if my friends did, but only for about 2 seconds then I'd forget about it!

Er, sorry, that ended up going on a bit.

Oh do you Annie? Well, each to their own. I find it very pretentious.

Why? It's my title. If I got married and started using Mrs, would you find that pretentious? If I were a member of the clergy and asked to be Rev? That you find it pretentious says more about you than me, I think. It's sad that people seem comfortable with any title, no matter how it is "earned", but as usual, we're supposed to be embarrassed by education. More race to the bottom stuff.

Sorry, should have been "with any other title..."

Chunderella Really, if you insist on calling someone by something other than their name/s, then you live and die by the sword

What?

I'm sure I have seen this exact thread before but it was about Bank Letters and not Christmas cards ......

Annie. Yes. I find anyone wishing to be referred to as Dr who isn't a medical Dr to be very pretentious. I also find it pretentious for actual Doctors to be referred to as Dr in non working situations. Nothing to do with a race to the bottom, I just don't feel the need for my education (or martial status as it happens) to be part of my name. I am ME, not my education or marital status.

number it comes up all the time!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights

I'll find another AIBU to entertain myself.

I find it amazing that women on mn are so judgemental of other women's choices. Who cares if someone changes their name or doesn't change their name when they get married??? It's their name - their choice.

I didn't change my name but am not offended when receiving cards addressed to Mr and Mrs Dhname. I love sending and receiving Christmas cards and am just grateful to get some.

In conclusion; OP I think you are being a wee bit unreasonable. It's just a name on an envelope.

'I am ME, not my education or marital status.' - so using Mrs is also pretentious?

Chipping - How odd that you make the distinction between medical and academic doctors. We're all equally qualified and entitled to the title, you realise? In fact, IIRC, it's an courtesy title for MDs.

I agree that the ideal is to remove all titles. But no matter which title you do use, if you use one, it defines you. Ms or Mr defines you by your sex. Miss or Mrs defines you by your marital status. Rev defines you by your career. Dr or Prof defines you by your education. You are defined by any title. Since my sex was a gift from nature and my marital status hardly a great achievement, I prefer to be defined by the title that actually involved some effort on my part. How is that pretentious? I think it's the most honest of my options when it comes to titles.

Arguing that 'Dr' is pretentious but 'Mrs' isn't is just part of making distinction by gender/marital status seem like a natural and normal way for humans to organise things, but making women who prioritise other distinctions seem weird and deliberately obstructive.

Someone who's written a PhD is entirely reasonable in choosing to use the title that confers upon then (and well done, Annie!), and it makes, if anything, more sense than insisting that the whole world constantly acknowledges and refers to the fact that you said 'I do' to a man.

And my aunt also knows full well that I have a phd, but addresses cards to Mr and Mrs DP first name DP surname - we're not even bloody married!

To the extent I send cards, I always address them to "Mr. and Mrs " The envelopes for invites I address to "Mrs the invites themselves I address as per the cards (above).

I don't know why, it's just the way my mother insisted on doing it -and she tends to know about these sorts of things.

I must admit, I take a sort of guilty pleasure in purposely addressing married women by their surname. My firend's wife blushes when I call her "Mrs. Cookson" As for us blokes, we tend to drop the title altogether and just use the surname. It's been like that since I was at school. In fact, even my wife has taken to dispensing with the title usually when she's barking orders at me!

Malice, I believe that formerly was the formal method.

Now the advice is to use the titles and names that people prefer. Presumably you send cards to people you like - why do you want to upset people you like?

Well done Annie. When DH finally gets his phd i will be so proud i will be calling him Dr Koala at every opportunity. It's sad that he said the other day he wouldn't tell anyone or Dr, as he'd be embarrassed people would think him a pretentious tosser. :( After all that work and sacrifices we have both made i want to shout it from the roof tops. Anyway sorry for tangent OP. :)

I really hate the part on Mr and Mrs addresses. For some reason this bothers me more than the wrong surname.