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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that after 6 years together 'not knowing' what he wants doesn't bode well?

172 replies

MissPronounced · 13/12/2014 22:14

DP (of 6 years) and I are lucky enough to travel a lot together, and it's always a last-minute, relaxed sort of thing. A couple of months ago he made a huge deal about wanting to take me to Paris at Christmastime, in a way that he never usually does before we book a trip. I mentioned this to my best friends (and mother) and the three of them started getting excited and querying whether DP was going to propose marriage. I stupidly let myself wonder...

Before we went away last weekend I promised myself I'd enjoy the trip for what it was, and not spoil it for either of us by hoping for something more. Paris was wonderful, but he didn't propose.

Despite trying so hard not to be disappointed, I am. I can't and won't say this aloud to my friends or family but I really am saddened that after 6 years together he hasn't asked me to marry him. To put it in context: we have talked many, many times over the years about marriage, and usually at his instigation. He has always said that he very much wants to marry again, and often used to talk about the sort of wedding he imagined us having. He knows that it is something I want too. He is a fair bit older than I am, and was married (and separated) long before he met me.

Anyway, a couple of days ago I decided to open up to him. I reminded him that marriage is important to me, and asked how he felt about it all; whether he'd changed his mind. After quite a while trying to evade the question he told me he just doesn't know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

We have a mortgage together, I've moved a couple of hundred miles to be with him and build my career in a city far away from my family to be with him. I'd like to think I'm a pretty decent girlfriend. Am I wrong to just want to be married, and to be quite devastated at what DP said?

OP posts:

Tmrgl · 13/12/2014 22:18

Not at all. That would leave me quit devastated.

Frogme · 13/12/2014 22:22

How long ago did he last instigate the conversation and how has he been since then? Have you noticed a change in him lately?

I'd be gutted too.

LindyHemming · 13/12/2014 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theorientcalf · 13/12/2014 22:23

I couldn't marry someone who wasn't sure if they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. Marriage won't fix this.

Frogme · 13/12/2014 22:24

Is he stressed? Any life changing things happened lately? His job?

Original poster

MissPronounced · 13/12/2014 22:36

I really appreciate the replies so far, thanks.

Frogme - the last conversation I can vividly remember (and place, in terms of date) was a year ago, almost exactly. We were at the wedding of friend of his, and he said he could imagine us getting married at the same (extremely beautiful) venue.

There haven't been any big changes this year. We've been living in this house for 2.5 years, his (fairly high-flying) career is stable and my career has been going from strength-to-strength.

I can't understand it and have spent the last two days feeling utterly humiliated. I simply don't know what's gone wrong.

When we first met I was a student suffering from anorexia and severe depression. I was a wreck. He encouraged me to persevere with treatment, to complete my degree and pursue my dream career. Everything was great, but now I can almost literally feel my old demons creeping in and telling me he doesn't fancy me anymore because I'm 'fat'/healthy.

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 13/12/2014 22:36

I'd be absolutely gutted if I were you. What's changed? Why has he gone from talking about marriage to this? It would be different if he was saying he knew he wanted you to spend the rest of your lives together but wasn't sure about marriage, but that's not the case. Had you considered having children with him, or has that never been on the cards?

When does he think you might split up?

Jaffakake · 13/12/2014 22:37

After 6 years of being together I went on a trip to London with my then boyf, there was even a moment where I though, just for a minute or two he was going to ask. But he didn't.

7 months later he did ask. 6 years later we're very happily married with one kid and another on the way.

I've realised he just wasn't ready. He's a guy who needs to make up his own mind. There was a wedding we went to in the meantime where I think he realised how important marriage is and that he might like a piece if it with me.

He did also begin to realise that at 10 years together I was less likely to be there as by that point it was going to become a deal breaker.

During that 7 months I decided that I shouldn't keep hanging on waiting. I made a deal with myself that every offer of doing something exciting I got, if I could afford it, I'd do it. I had an ace time, learnt to ride horses and all sorts! I decided he didn't start out with a sad case & I shouldn't turn into one!

I suppose your dp has been burnt by marriage before, so it might take him time to get there, if he's actually going to. You need to take time to figure out what you want & what would be a deal breaker. It's so hard & also a bit lonely, but if you learn to ride a horse, take friends up on weekends away etc in the meantime it's not so bad!

simontowers2 · 13/12/2014 22:40

Not sure there is any coming back from that tbh. Move on.

MsVestibule · 13/12/2014 22:40

Sorry to be an armchair psychologist, but is it possible that he's a fixer? And now you're 'fixed', he doesn't feel you need him anymore, do the attraction has faded?

Please don't listen to those demons. You have come so far. Is it possible to see a counsellor to talk about this, and the effect it's having on you?

Fairenuff · 13/12/2014 22:42

I think that whilst it was some distant fantasy, he was happy to go along with the idea of marriage 'some day'. But when you really pushed him for his real feelings, he was honest with you and admitted that he doesn't see this as a 'forever' relationship.

I think that if it were me, I would end the relationship. That in itself might be enough for him to find out whether or not he actually did want the relationship. If he didn't fight hard enough to keep it, I would let him go.

TheNewWitchOfSWL · 13/12/2014 22:44

What is the age difference?
I wouldn't want to be with some one who doesn't see me in their life forever never mind share a mortgage with this person. It seems like he had a change of heart recently. Is it possible that he was going to propose in France and something made him change his mind? Are there any problems in the relationship?
Be glad he was honest and you don't have children. I think it is time to move on.

Original poster

MissPronounced · 13/12/2014 22:45

MsVestibule - thanks for your reply. If nothing else it helps to know that I'm not losing the plot to be upset by this.

After he said what he did the conversation concluded pretty quickly. I was upset and didn't feel like probing him further. He has still been telling me loves me, though.

He used to talk about wanting children together. He has a son from his first marriage, and has expressed a lot of regret about not being around much in his early years (though they are very close now), due to working away. I can't remember the last conversation we had about it, though.

My thoughts are a little disjointed at present, so I apologise if they're confusing to read. I tried to bury my head in the sand today and buy him extra Christmas presents as if that'll really change his thoughts about our future...

OP posts:

MoRaw · 13/12/2014 22:47

If he said he is not sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, then I suggest you not waste your life waiting for him to know. In your shoes, I would be looking to leave. He came into your life at the right time. He has helped you and that reason and season for that relationship are probably spent. Time to look to the future. Someone else is just around the corner and the reason and season (hopefully a blissfully long season) for that new relationship have arrived.

Fight your demons and don't let them win. If you can't do it on your own, seek help wherever available.

Santaslittleblowupdoll · 13/12/2014 22:47

I'd be gutted but I'd be pretty dam pissed off too. I'd be tempted to tell him to jog on and see what his response was.

The is one thing not wanting marriage as in 'contract' but not knowing if he wants to be with you long term after six years is taking the piss.

Do you think if someone 'better' came along he would be off?

Please don't listen to these demons ...it's your dp that has dented your self esteem. He sounds a bit if a prick tbh.

TimelyNameChangey · 13/12/2014 22:48

How old are you both OP?

avocadoadvantage · 13/12/2014 22:49

YANBU to be feeling hurt. He has been honest with you and it wasn't what you hoped to hear, sadly.

When I got a similar answer from my partner of 10years, my next question was 'why are we together?'. A couple of hours later, we'd split amicably! As a postscript to this- soon after, I met the man who would ask me to marry him 7 months later. You deserve someone who can't imagine spending the rest of his life without you.

Santaslittleblowupdoll · 13/12/2014 22:50

Don't buy him any more presents. It won't give you what your hoping for.

CruCru · 13/12/2014 22:51

How old are you? I only ask because, if you want to have children, you won't want to keep hanging indefinitely. If you are 24, you still have time. If you are 34 (or older), I would move on as soon as you can.

Santaslittleblowupdoll · 13/12/2014 22:51

Yes to advoca

revealall · 13/12/2014 22:51

Meh. Tell him that's fine but long term you want to be with someone who can see a future with you. Tell him you'll be off. And do it. Time is too short.

LizzieMint · 13/12/2014 22:52

I agree with Fairenuff. I was with someone for 6 years, we had talked about marriage and I assumed that was the way it was heading. I convinced myself he was going to propose on Valentine's day. He didnt and I was bitterly disappointed. When we talked about it, he was really shaken by how much it had upset me, he'd never thought about it as a concrete reality, just as a 'yeah, maybe one day' type thing. Two weeks later, we split up, neither of us could reconcile what we wanted right then with what the other one wanted.
Best bloody thing that happened to me. Shortly afterwards I met my now-DH. I'm actually eternally grateful that my ex had the guts to be honest about it at the time rather than stringing things out for any longer.
If your DP doesn't know after 6 years whether you are the right person for him, what's he waiting for? What will it take?

ChillySundays · 13/12/2014 22:55

MissPronounced - I am gutted for you. A huge great hug for you

Me and DH were together for 20 years before we got married (for financial reasons). We always imagined ourselves being together for ever during the whole time and still do

I would be having the same conversation that avocado had with her ex

Original poster

MissPronounced · 13/12/2014 22:55

I've thought about the idea of him being a 'fixer' before, but I've been well for almost 4 years now, so had dismissed it, perhaps foolishly.

I'm 27 and he's 43 (almost 44), for what it's worth. We met each other very organically and we both thought long and hard before embarking on a relationship.

OP posts:

Shedwood · 13/12/2014 22:57

He's told you what he thinks; that you guys aren't going to be together long term. Presumably that also means he isn't planning to have children with you, now it's time for you to decide what you want.

Personally I'd be looking at other options, going to new places without him, meeting new people etc and thinking about what's good for you as an individual, not you as a couple.

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